[Closed] Girlfriend Problems

This thread is useless without pics.

You'd better not be peterfile because that would be a crime.

Either you are A) This guy

[img] [/img]

Or B) Too much the kind of person that asks this kind of question about giving his gf the boot on an internet forum.

I go with B.

I nearly married someone myself in a physically sexless relationship

Though you give the impression you were brainwashed - would you really be happy with such a situation again?

OP - I was in the same boat so I finished the relationship. The feeling of not being wanted slowly destroyed the love I had for her. Mind you I am still not getting any but I don't endure that situation you describe of being next to someone but feeling a million miles apart. The grass may not be greener over this side of the fence but it is a different shade of brown.

Are there really 4 pages of whining because someone isn't getting shagged?

Amazing, this place.

Amazing there aren't more people who've never had such an experience and have no empathy making stupid comments?

Solo - Member

Laying it on real thick now TJ

I don't actually think TJ is trolling, I think he is genuinly trying to see both sides of the situation.

Having been in a relationship where the other half wanted sex more than I did (by quite some way) there are massive feelings of being abnormal, and feelings of guilt from not meeting your partners needs. (which may, or may not apply to the OPs other half) It wasn't until we broke up that I realised that I fitted somewhere on the asexual spectrum, as I just don't want sex with [i][b]other people[/b][/i]

Amazing there aren't more people who've never had such an experience and have no empathy making stupid comments?

Or, conversely, think that airing this kind of personal issue to a load of internet strangers is somewhat odd. But don't let that stop you from throwing the stupid insults about.

I knew a girl who was very up tight sexually. I got her talking one night and it turns out when she was 13 her first boyfriend (17) tried to have sex with her in her bedroom and her older brother came home early.

It scarred her and made her really tense and uncomfortable in every relationship after this. Thing is she didn't make the connection (weird).

Anyway it really helped for her to talk about it and me to probe/etc.

If everything else is right why the **** would you ditch her? She has security issues, something within her past that she feels insecure about. Also she may have self-body issues where she views her body as 'ugly' but wont admit it. Its not a rational fear.

Get her talking. Talk to her. Don't do the sex-pressure shit. It'll just push her further into this mindset.

I really don't want to think about Hora and probes 😯

Oh look he's here...

TJ.

Just seems to me you were introducing elements that while being theoretically possible.
Hadn't been reported by the OP.
So therefore such Theorizing seemed misleading.

Dan.
Fair enough, but the original question is whether to split from someone who isn't meeting your needs.
And you seemed to have done this yourself.

I'm in the [i]end it and both move on[/i] camp.

They tried, it wasn't meant to be.

Get back out there, the one for you is waiting.

[i]She has security issues, something within her past that she feels insecure about. Also she may have self-body issues where she views her body as 'ugly' but wont admit it. Its not a rational fear.

Get her talking. Talk to her. Don't do the sex-pressure shit. It'll just push her further into this mindset.
[/i]

Original and truely vintage Hora.

For goodness sake Hora, read the OP.
He has been trying to talk to her about it, for some considerable time.
Also seems that the OP would prefer to work through it to a solution which sees them stay together.
BUT, it takes two, no ?.

You may not realize this, but to have a discussion, takes both parties to speak.
😉

if such people are so unhappy with the situation, how come they never make any move to change it?

* Fear of making things worse
* Unable to comprehend the depth of the problem
* Unable to comprehend a solution
* Hope that the problem will go away
* Acceptance that things don't have to be perfect (they rarely are)

I'm of the sentimental view that [i]love[/i] is about what you give, not what you get. Does the OP love his GF enough to tolerate a life without much intimacy? Does she love him enough to provide him some intimacy even when she doesn't want it?

Dissatisfaction with intimacy or any other [i]need[/i] causes frustration and ill-feeling. Whether there is enough ill-feeling to fracture a relationship is a calculation for both partners and depends on their relative priorities and tolerances. Only the OP can answer these questions for himself.

But I would say to the OP that if you at the point of splitting, then try to persuade her that some professional help should be attempted first. At least you then know you did all you could.

I like the way that the fact she's not interested in sex seems to be a problem that requires some form of treatment in most peoples eyes

It seems that that these days it's OK that you want to have sex with people of the opposite sex, or that you want to have sex with people who are the same sex, but there must be something wrong with you if you don't want to have sex with anyone.

If you don't want to have sex with someone and maintain a relationship with someone that desires a sex life then there is something wrong.

Moving forward she might think to at least talk about it a bit more. OP should try and remove as much pressure as possible. Then at least both parties have given an otherwise good relationship a decent shot at it.

OP - You sound like a great guy!* When you speak to her about this, do you start with the problem/negative? Whenever I broach difficult topics with my partner I start with telling her how much I love her and all the positive things we have got going for us (*see what I did there!). I try and avoid all words or implications that might make her think I blame her. I really try and keep my voice sounding reasonable at all times. This helps me to get her open up to me (not literally) and prevents a defensive response. Then end on more positives. You still are a great guy!

Sorry if you're doing this all already but it helps me.

Dan.
Fair enough, but the original question is whether to split from someone who isn't meeting your needs.
And you seemed to have done this yourself.

It was me that got dumped, so she made the decision for me.
I think that whilst she was meeting most of my needs, I wasn't meeting many of hers, so she did what was best for her.

It would have been nice if she'd wanted to discuss it perhaps, and it might have been nice if I'd known then that actually I wasn't abnormal.

As cougar said, this could be about a range of issues. It's the refusal to communicate that makes things harder. Would you suggest joint therapy? That might help her understand that compromise is possibly an option. Maybe she thinks she's compromised enough already. Seems reasonable to want out if you're unhappy though...

Though you give the impression you were brainwashed - would you really be happy with such a situation again?

Interesting this.

Two people who sound as though they are NOT abnormal, just have different needs.

Perhaps they don't need therapy or treatment - just different partners?

Weird how many posters here jump to suggest:

1) Therapy or taking - when one person doesn't want to talk
2) That turning down sex means the other person must be dirty or a crap shag
3) That either sex is VERY Important, or NOT important at all.

Cheers all, some good advise there.

The issue is that I have tried to talk about it on several occasions and she just won't open up. Same in bed, she just won't open up and say what she likes, does not like etc. It's like trying to find a needle in a haystack without having any eyes or hands!

How can you possibly resolve a problem if she won't talk openly about it or if she doesn't even see that it's an issue despite me letting her know otherwise?

I realise that sex is always a compromise. I would be happily up to no good every night if I had the choice but for her it's once in a blue moon. Meeting somewhere in the middle would be great but at the moment it's only whenever she feels like it - which isn't very often! And even then it seems like sometimes she often just wants to get it over with as quickly as possible. It's always the same - never wants to try anything different.

Sex is a big part of any relationship for me. It's not just the physical act but how it makes you both feel and how it builds a bond.

I know it's not my performance that's to blame. There are too many women who can vouch for that in the past 😉

Think I've kind of made the decision that it's not going to work. There's only so much rejection a man can take and only so long I can remain faithful without feeling loved.

A real real shame because in most other ways she's great and I will miss her loads. I used to think she was a 'keeper' but at the end of the day though, despite loving her to bits then there's only so much you can keep on giving without getting anything in return.

[i]It was me that got dumped, so she made the decision for me.
I think that whilst she was meeting most of my needs, I wasn't meeting many of hers, so she did what was best for her.

It would have been nice if she'd wanted to discuss it perhaps, and it might have been nice if I'd known then that actually I wasn't abnormal.
[/i]

Obvoiusly, as with all relationships, there seems to be a lot to your story.
But my point was, you are now meeting your needs, and its not with that previous partner.
You have split from that person, so that both can meet their needs.
I would suggest that you should NOT feel you are to blame for just being you.
Nor should your ex be blamed for looking elsewhere to meet their needs through the process of splitting with you.

FWIW, I'm of the opinion that you do not change people to your will.
Either you are compatible or you aint.
If you aint, you have two choices imo.
You go elsewhere or [b]you[/b] change.
But if you change, it must be because [b]you want[/b] to [b]not[/b] because you've been forced to.

I've walked away from women and my mates have been jumping up an down asking how I can turn her whomever, down.
Simple, if I don't think that she is for me.
Then thats it.
I aint gonna [i]mould[/i] someone into what I think I want.
That really would be a terrible thing to try, even worse were you to succeed.
imo.

Just perhaps the lady may be lesbian, and suffering deep anxuieties about her sexuality, she doesnt want to tell her boyfreind as she enjoys his company and living with him, she just doesnt want sex with him.

Alot of peeps are forced to stay in dodgy relationships due to their sexuality,just so they appear to be part of what is classed as normal, eg man and woman, even though civil partnerships are now being seen as legaly correct and aceptable by some.

Sex isnt the big thing its made ouit to be, its the freindship and comapnionship, and waking up next to someone you love each day.

FWIW, I'm of the opinion that you do not change people to your will.
Either you are compatible or you aint.

Yeah but they might yet be compatible; it'd be a shame to miss out on a great relationship because of miscommunication, wouldn't it?

she just won't open up and say what she likes, does not like etc

Sounds like she's not comfortable then. Making people feel comfortable is a complex art.

There are too many women who can vouch for that in the past

It's not about how good of a performer you are. Think of it like being a stand up comedian. You can't measure how funny a comic is on some absolute scale - the jokes have to match the audience. I'm sure there are many successful comedians that you can't stand, but others love them.

at the moment it's only whenever she feels like it

4 pages till the "lesbian" card is played!

Very restrained!

[i]A real real shame because in most other ways she's great and I will miss her loads. At the end of the day though then there's only so much I can take.[/i]

Wind it up nicely, might be good to remain friends.

There are plenty more pebbles on the beach.

[img] [/img]

But my point was, you are now meeting your needs, and its not with that previous partner.

Not entirely sure how being forced into being single when I want to be in a relationship with someone I love is meeting my needs, but I do sort of get your point 🙂

Look I'm highly sexed. You'll be lucky to find someone who you both get on with, love and really care for AND have the same sexdrive.

If I met someone as highly sexed as me I wouldn't have time to type, ride, think or drink.

I know it's not my performance that's to blame. There are too many women who can vouch for that in the past

YOU SHOULD TELL HER THIS, I THINK IT WILL HELP!

A real real shame because in most other ways she's great and I will miss her loads

Wow you really sound in love !

I hope my misses is describing me as "in some ways he's great" and "I do occasionally miss him" on some other forum.

[i]Yeah but they might yet be compatible; it'd be a shame to miss out on a great relationship because of miscommunication, wouldn't it?[/i]

No doubt about it Molgrips.
You're sharp.
🙂

Let me give you an example of my point of view.

One night, a woman behind the bar makes it very clear, I'm in the hunt, much to the subsequent rib diggin from my mates.
Later that evening I see that she smokes.
I do not smoke, don't want to or go with anyone who does.

Do I hook up with her then nag her to quit smoking ?.

No. Let her find someone else who'll have her as she is.
I'll go do the same.
😉

If I met someone as highly sexed as me I wouldn't have time to type, ride, think or drink.

8)

[i]Not entirely sure how being forced into being single when I want to be in a relationship with someone I love is meeting my needs, but I do sort of get your point[/i]

Ok, I don't know the details.
But did you need to keep someone chained to you, if that made them unhappy ?.
I don't think any decent person would do that to another, yet alone one they profess to love.

Its not my intention to Diss your past relationship.
If you're not happy at the moment, I hope you will be.
🙂

Do I hook up with her then nag her to quit smoking ?.

No, but you do hook up with her! 'swhats chewing gum is for! Blimey...

v8ninety.

Missing the point mate.

Be patient, know what is what.

And with a kind eye and a following wind.
You will meet someone who, just as they are, blows you away.

When that happens, you see some of the truest, deepest beauty the human condition can convey.
It transends sex, looks, it is its own thing, a tidal wave of euphoria.

Or as some might say.

[b]Love.[/b]
😉

TBF Solo I think you missed v*ninety's point 😉

There is at least one of those things that you rarely do now anyway.

I can think of a few of these that aren't a regular option anymore 😆

Never look a gift horse in the mouth*, I say. Still, that was a most lovely and touching post, solo...

*Even if it does stink of fags

V8

No offence intended.

I knew what you were getting at.

But taking every opportunity at goal, is no longer..... the goal.

😉

Right ladies....there's no such thing as "the one"....you'll meet dozens of girls in your life that match your personality well. If you aren't getting enough sex then dump her. I was going out with a girl where I'd get it barely once a month, she then dumped me and I found a nymphomaniac two weeks later who is better looking, more fun, more intelligent and kinder. Now I live with her.

Have fun, you'll find the perfect match when you aren't looking.

Before PTR Junior came along, we were at it like wabbits, ever since we met... since PTR Junior not so much, which in fairness I can understand, but doesn't make it any easier.. I'm now stuck in a sexless relationship (admittedly hopefully not forever), you have the option to get out before its too late and get someone who does like bedroom antics... Seeing as she has been like it since day one, I can't see anything to talk about.

The really annoying thing though is that once you are getting lots of sex....other women seem to notice you more. Life suddenly becomes like being a child in a candy store again.

But taking every opportunity at goal, is no longer..... the goal.

I never said it was, and for what it's worth, (and to stretch the analogy to breaking point) I scored the winning goal several years ago and am enjoying a happy retirement as a pundit.

What I am lightheartedly suggesting is that a little bit of heads and volleys in the park never hurt anyonea d probably increases your chances of putting the ball in the back of the net come the cup final!

TWANG! (sound of over stretched analogy snapping painfully)

No. Let her find someone else who'll have her as she is.

Maybe she needed an incentive to quit?

Here is an article written in The Times a few years ago by the journalist Minette Marin. I thought it was so good that I cut it out and kept it, electronically, on my computer. Sorry it's so long but I think it will give you an insight even though you are not married and don't have kids. Keep reading right to the bottom because it gets better and better.

[b]The good wife is an old fashioned realist[/b]

Minette Marrin

How to be a perfect wife is not, you might have thought, a very contemporary question. Decades of feminism have been much more concerned with how to be a perfect career woman, exotic lover, fully fledged fashionista, alpha female and, latterly, yummy mummy; being a wife has been somewhat incidental, even for those who get married or stay married.
Gloomy research appears from time to time, suggesting that when women who try to have it all find they can’t, the first thing they give up on is their husbands, not least on sex with their husbands. That may be partly why two marriages out of three end in divorce and most people don’t marry at all; marriage rates are at their lowest since records began.
So was rather quaint to read in The Times last week an article entitled “In search of the good wife”, complete with a questionnaire from 1958. “Do you renew your nail varnish as soon as it chips?” it demands. “Do you go through his clothes every month or so to check on minor repairs? And then do you make them? Would you stay on at a party when you knew he was tired and wanted to go home? Do you use table napkins? Do you know the cheapest cuts of meat? Do you clean your handbag as often as you clean your shoes? Do you resent it when he has a night out with the boys?”
A familiar picture soon emerges of a carefully groomed woman with primped hair and a wasp waist who calms down the children and touches up her lipstick when her husband comes home from work, listens charmingly to his day’s debriefing, and then offers him a well cooked but thrifty dinner.
There was a time not so long ago when that would have been simply ridiculous. This traditional vision of matrimonial labour was considered not just laughable but repressive: a woman’s abilities and ambitions were sacrificed to her husband’s, without any security other than his goodwill.
Now, though, it seems that this vision is being revisited, and not only by Stepford wives, or those alarming “surrendered wives” of the American religious right. Ordinary women are at last beginning to realise that feminists, in their passionate rejection of traditional marriage, may have thrown out the man with the bathwater, and that they rather wish they hadn’t. A man, like a woman, needs an incentive to get married and stay married; feminism forgot that, and forgot too that marriage is more in women’s interests than in men’s.
So the old fashioned question has become interesting again, at least for women who want to find and keep a husband and realise, increasingly, how difficult that is: what makes a good wife? I think women should start by facing some awkward facts.
It’s a mistake in any relationship to insist too much on egalitarian principles. Feminism, understandably, has concentrated too much on women's rights and, by extension, too much on husbands’ duties. Why, on top of working long hours and forsaking all others, would a man put out the garbage and change the nappies for a woman who is too busy with her own career and too tired by her own schedule to bother much about him? Or, to be blunt, to have sex with him?
It may be his duty to put up and shut up and keep on doing the late night feeds and the early morning commuting, but it’s hardly very appealing. Nor is insisting on these duties a very clever way of trying to hold on to a husband, if that is what a woman wants.
One hard fact a would-be wife has to face — and I was absolutely horrified to realise this myself — is that it’s not possible for a married couple to have two demanding jobs and children and a good relationship. Something has to give. If the relationship has to be neglected, then the marriage will fail, which will be very bad for the children. If the children are neglected, then the marriage is worthless anyway.
So something must give on the work front and this is probably, for many women, the price of being a good wife and having a good marriage. Unless a couple are extremely well paid, and have plenty of domestic help, her brilliant career will have to be less brilliant for a while; she will have to spend some time in the Mummy lane.
It could, of course, be the other way round. But another harsh truth is that alpha males won't stay at home in the Daddy lane and nor will plenty of other males of all descriptions; they refuse to be ersatz housewives. They would rather not get married, and as the figures show, increasingly they aren’t, and increasingly, if they are, they move out. So rule number one for a wife is to forget about equal rights and entitlements. Think instead about motivation.
When you want to please your child, or your lover, you think hard about what might make them happy and then do it. It’s not a chore, or even if it is that hardly matters; it’s an act of love or of loyalty. Yet strangely, in marriage this obvious motivational technique seems to wither away with the wedding flowers. Women are convinced it is their right not to have sex when they don’t feel like it, and it is a man’s duty to wash up, though he hates it — and so it is, of course. But that’s not the point. Granny was right; never say no, and never nag.
I think that my generation, and later ones even more so, have been led astray by romantic 1960s notions of sincerity and authenticity; it began to be believed that in the name of existential good faith and psychological well being individuals ought always to act and speak in accordance with their feelings — telling it like is and letting it all hang out. So sex without passionate desire — the boffe de politesse of a kindly marriage — is inauthentic.
Similarly, talking without expressing all one’s resentments and expectations and anxieties is a kind of insincerity, or dishonesty even. But this rather adolescent attitude is entirely at odds with the tolerance, discretion and generosity of body and spirit needed in a good marriage.
Husbands are mostly quite simple. Generally, what they want is unlimited, enthusiastic sex, constant reassurance, good food and plenty of freedom, of at least three of these four. Some can be trained to be very helpful domestically and some even enjoy it; but most are not bred for it. But they have many excellent and endearing qualities; the rewards of living with a well-motivated husband, if not quite above rubies, are very considerable, high though the price may be.

That Times article is satire, right?

yup that times article sounds about what id expect from the times

a load of bollox