I got in touch with my inner self today.
That's the last time I buy Tesco Value toilet roll.
My wife is scandinavian - she has a face like a norse
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.
So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your cleaning your carpets?".
I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness".
A crocodile walked into a pub. Barman said "why the long face?"
My next door neighbour knocked last night at 2.30am. Can you believe it, 2.30am !!!! Luckily for him, I was still up playing the drums
Apparently Vanish is the no 1 stain remover. I hope there is a no 2, my underpants are really bad
Got sacked from my job on the waltzers yesterday. I'm suing them for funfair dismissal
I met a Dutch girl last week with inflatable shoes. I phoned her up for a date, but she'd popped her clogs
Put a bet on 3 horses today - Sunshine, Moonlight and Good Times. Not one winner. I blame it on the bookie
I met an owl the other day. He told me he was getting married.
I said "You twit, to who?"
An Eskimo chap was driving his skiddoo across the frozen wasteland and it broke down. He rang the Polar AA, who arrived swiftly.
The Polar AA man lifted the bonnet and looked underneath, after a little while, he said, "Tell you what mate, it looks like you've blown a seal".
The Eskimo replied, "No. It's just frost on my moustache"
To that man on crutches who stole my camouflage jacket - You can hide but you can't run
Three punch lines, can't be bothered to do the whole thing but you can make the rest up.
1. 'We're dragging a bong on the chest of a slave and the sun is in the sky'.
2. Pardon me boss, is that the cat that chewed your new shoes'
3. A hod is as good as a sink to a blind norse.
Sorry
My next door neighbour knocked last night at 2.30am. Can you believe it, 2.30am !!!! Luckily for him, I was still up playing the drums
that cracked me up!:)
There's a Polish bloke next door. Every night he stands at the top of our street singing 'I want to know what love is'.
Bloody Foreigner.
I love going down to the playground to watch the children running around and shrieking.
They don't know I'm using blanks.
Why don't owls go on the pull in the rain? Its too wet to woo.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Oh you've heard it already.
Kids here are running round in the sun with big water pistols at the moment.
One challenged me to a water fight this morning. I quickly won though, with my kettle.
Rough times at the moment though.
Kid round here got his eye poked out with a pencil the other day.
Teach him to look through my bloody letterbox.
what do you call a deer that's blind and has no legs ?
Anything you like, whats he going to do about it?
My dog has no nose
How does he smell?
He can't be he's able to compensate with a heightened sense of taste.
I can't take credit for this, as my son told me....
-Knock knock
-Who's there?
-Twitter.
-Twitter who?
-I didn't know you were an owl.
Dont get me wrong, I'm all for the women's movement....
...I hate it when they just lie there
A computer beat me at chess. It was no good at kick boxing though.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Doorbell repairman
I bought some powdered water - I don't know what to add.
I've just installed a skylight - the people in the flat upstairs are really angry about it.
(Both by Steven Wright I think)
Wife says having a small knob should not affect our sex life...
i thought ok, but id still prefer it if she didnt have one at all...
Bloke goes into a bar and asks...
Vodka and orange please..
barman says...still orange..
bloke ...yes i havnt changed my mind....
why shouldn't you **** a retarded dwarf ?
because it's not big and it's not clever.
What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs, and bleeding to death?
Still no bloody idea.
What did Kermit the Frog say when Jim Henson died?
Nothing.
Times New Roman walks into a bar
Barman: We don't serve your type in here
A woman walked into a cocktail bar, and ordered the Double Entendre.
So the barman gave her one.
His roadie mate followed him in, and gave her one too.
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Hold its face to the fire until its bill withers
Whats got two legs and bleeds?...........Half a dog.
How do you make a dog drink?............Put it in a blender.
What do you call a man wi no arms and no legs swimming lengths?...........Clever Dick.
Did you hear the one about the constipated mathematician? He sat down and worked it out with a pencil.
3 parrots for sale at £170, £150 and £10, woman asks "why is that parrot so cheap", shopkeeper replies "it used to live in a brothel", the woman finds it funny and buys it, she gets home and the parrot says "**** me a new brothel" the woman laughs, her two daughters come home and the parrot says "**** me, 2 new girls" and they laugh, when her husband walks in the parrot says "**** me, Dave, long time no see".
I've been banned from B&Q. I asked one of their staff for ideas for my garden and he said I needed decking.
so I punched him.
what have george michael and a pair of wellies got in common?
they both get sucked off in a bog
why are there so many tree lined avenues in france?
the wehrmacht prefer to march in the shade
Did you hear about the two gay ghosts?
They put the willies up each other.
Why did the monkey get lost?
Jungle is massive.
My wife had a go at me last night. She said 'You'll drive me to my grave'.
I had the car out in thirty seconds.
From a Christmas cracker:
What's white and fluffy and swings through the jungle? A meringue.
To be honest it's probably better than the punch line was supposed to be.
Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.
Put a bet on 3 horses today - Sunshine, Moonlight and Good Times. Not one winner. I blame it on the bookie
That is inspired....
Why do mice have small balls?
Because not many can dance.
Why don't you see many elephants hiding in trees?
Because they're really good at it
Doctor, Doctor I think I'm sick
Why what's wrong?
I'm f#####g my sister
(Another mildly homophobic one, I apologise...)
Did you hear about the gay wizard?
He vanished with a puff.
