[Closed] funny jokes, gags, one liners etc!

Cougar, get your arse onto this thread now please.

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Cougar, get your arse onto this thread now please.

I had an albino fruit salad earlier. It didn't have any melon in.

Went to the hospital today to have mole removed from my penis.

The RSPCA let me off with a caution.

I once thought I was living on an island surrounded by orange flavoured fizzy pop.
then I realised it was just a Fanta sea.

What kind of bees can we get milk from?

Boo-bees.

I heard a popular ska band had changed their name to "Mental Disorder."

It's Madness gone politically correct!

I asked the wife why she never told me when she'd had an orgasm.
She said " I don't like ringing you when you're at work"...

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I always liked-

Qu: Whats brown and does somersaults?

A: Clevershite

What did the hat say to the bra? You give these two a lift while I go on ahead.

Why did the chicken cross the road, roll about in mud and then cross the road again?

It was a dirty double-crossing chicken.

I’m good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet… I don’t know why.

I was raised as an only child. My sister was really pissed!

I'm training my dog to bring me a glass of red wine. He's a Bordeaux Collie.

why did the baker have smelly hands?
because he kneaded a poo....

I went into a Chinese restaurant and asked if they did take away, Yeah 2 from five is 3

I went to a barbers and he asked if I wanted my hair cut round the back? Why is the shop full

Try the shrimp platter

Black Beauty, he's a dark horse.

There was this seal,he walked in to a club.

My wife's an internet pr0n star.

She's going to be furious when she finds out.

Went into Dominoes pizza the other night and asked "Do you deliver"
The chap said "Don't get asked for that very often so we don't tend to keep it in stock but if you don't mind waiting you can have any topping you like sir"

hahaa! keep em' coming!:D

"You know who really gives kids a bad name? Posh and Becks."

Won best joke at the Fringe this year

"I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting!"

What do you call a fish with no eyes?

A fsh

A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a wheelchair.

What do you call a deer that's blind

No idea.

Bloke walked into a bar

"Ouch" he said,

It was an iron bar

what do you call a deer that's blind and has no legs ?

Edward Woodward

what do you call a deer with no eyes? ..... no-eye-deer!

what do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs? still no-eye-deer!

what do you call a gay dinosaur? .... megasorass!

have you ever been on tv?

i have... i went on embarrassing bodies once! took a lot of balls though. 3 to be precise! haha

what do you call a short sighted dinosaur?.....

......Doyathinkhesaurus

I saw a magic tractor earlier, it turned into a field.

what do you call a deer that's blind and has no legs ?

Edward Woodward

think you got your jokes mixed up there buddy!:)

Two fat blokes at the bar. One says to the other "your round", the other replies "sod off, you're fatter than I am".

I went to buy some camouflage trousers. Couldn't see any anywhere.

I tried to buy some combat trousers instead but just got into a fight.

Looking in a shop window with a mate, I pointed out an item and said, "that's the one I'd get."

Then a cyclops ran out of the shop and punched me.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way.

So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

I love that joke Cougar!

Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier
in London .

Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.

90% of women don't like men in pink shirts.
Ironically, 90% of men in pink shirts don't like women.

I took my wife to the pictures today,

And pointed out the layer of dust on each one.

My daughter came home crying from school today.

I asked her "what's wrong"

She replied "I'm so fat"

I said "yeah, but at least have the decency to be jolly".