[Closed] funny jokes, gags, one liners etc!

Cougar, get your arse onto this thread now please.

[img] [/img]

😆

Cougar, get your arse onto this thread now please.

I had an albino fruit salad earlier. It didn't have any melon in.

Went to the hospital today to have mole removed from my penis.

The RSPCA let me off with a caution.

I once thought I was living on an island surrounded by orange flavoured fizzy pop.
then I realised it was just a Fanta sea.

What kind of bees can we get milk from?

Boo-bees.

I heard a popular ska band had changed their name to "Mental Disorder."

It's Madness gone politically correct!

I asked the wife why she never told me when she'd had an orgasm.
She said " I don't like ringing you when you're at work"...

[img] [/img]

I always liked-

Qu: Whats brown and does somersaults?

A: Clevershite

What did the hat say to the bra? You give these two a lift while I go on ahead.

Why did the chicken cross the road, roll about in mud and then cross the road again?

It was a dirty double-crossing chicken.

I’m good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet… I don’t know why.

I was raised as an only child. My sister was really pissed!

I'm training my dog to bring me a glass of red wine. He's a Bordeaux Collie.

why did the baker have smelly hands?
because he kneaded a poo....

I went into a Chinese restaurant and asked if they did take away, Yeah 2 from five is 3

I went to a barbers and he asked if I wanted my hair cut round the back? Why is the shop full

Try the shrimp platter

Black Beauty, he's a dark horse.

There was this seal,he walked in to a club.

My wife's an internet pr0n star.

She's going to be furious when she finds out.

Went into Dominoes pizza the other night and asked "Do you deliver"
The chap said "Don't get asked for that very often so we don't tend to keep it in stock but if you don't mind waiting you can have any topping you like sir"

hahaa! keep em' coming!:D

"You know who really gives kids a bad name? Posh and Becks."

Won best joke at the Fringe this year

"I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting!"

What do you call a fish with no eyes?

A fsh

A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a wheelchair.

What do you call a deer that's blind

No idea.

Bloke walked into a bar

"Ouch" he said,

It was an iron bar

what do you call a deer that's blind and has no legs ?

Edward Woodward

what do you call a deer with no eyes? ..... no-eye-deer!

what do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs? still no-eye-deer!

what do you call a gay dinosaur? .... megasorass!

have you ever been on tv?

i have... i went on embarrassing bodies once! took a lot of balls though. 3 to be precise! haha

what do you call a short sighted dinosaur?.....

......Doyathinkhesaurus

I saw a magic tractor earlier, it turned into a field.

what do you call a deer that's blind and has no legs ?

Edward Woodward

think you got your jokes mixed up there buddy!:)

Two fat blokes at the bar. One says to the other "your round", the other replies "sod off, you're fatter than I am".

I went to buy some camouflage trousers. Couldn't see any anywhere.

I tried to buy some combat trousers instead but just got into a fight.

Looking in a shop window with a mate, I pointed out an item and said, "that's the one I'd get."

Then a cyclops ran out of the shop and punched me.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way.

So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

I love that joke Cougar!

Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier
in London .

Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.

90% of women don't like men in pink shirts.
Ironically, 90% of men in pink shirts don't like women.

I took my wife to the pictures today,

And pointed out the layer of dust on each one.

My daughter came home crying from school today.

I asked her "what's wrong"

She replied "I'm so fat"

I said "yeah, but at least have the decency to be jolly".

I got in touch with my inner self today.

That's the last time I buy Tesco Value toilet roll.

My wife is scandinavian - she has a face like a norse

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your cleaning your carpets?".

I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness".

A crocodile walked into a pub. Barman said "why the long face?"

My next door neighbour knocked last night at 2.30am. Can you believe it, 2.30am !!!! Luckily for him, I was still up playing the drums

Apparently Vanish is the no 1 stain remover. I hope there is a no 2, my underpants are really bad

Got sacked from my job on the waltzers yesterday. I'm suing them for funfair dismissal

I met a Dutch girl last week with inflatable shoes. I phoned her up for a date, but she'd popped her clogs

Put a bet on 3 horses today - Sunshine, Moonlight and Good Times. Not one winner. I blame it on the bookie

I met an owl the other day. He told me he was getting married.

I said "You twit, to who?"

An Eskimo chap was driving his skiddoo across the frozen wasteland and it broke down. He rang the Polar AA, who arrived swiftly.

The Polar AA man lifted the bonnet and looked underneath, after a little while, he said, "Tell you what mate, it looks like you've blown a seal".

The Eskimo replied, "No. It's just frost on my moustache"

To that man on crutches who stole my camouflage jacket - You can hide but you can't run

Three punch lines, can't be bothered to do the whole thing but you can make the rest up.

1. 'We're dragging a bong on the chest of a slave and the sun is in the sky'.

2. Pardon me boss, is that the cat that chewed your new shoes'

3. A hod is as good as a sink to a blind norse.

Sorry

My next door neighbour knocked last night at 2.30am. Can you believe it, 2.30am !!!! Luckily for him, I was still up playing the drums

that cracked me up!:)

There's a Polish bloke next door. Every night he stands at the top of our street singing 'I want to know what love is'.

Bloody Foreigner.

I love going down to the playground to watch the children running around and shrieking.

They don't know I'm using blanks.

Why don't owls go on the pull in the rain? Its too wet to woo.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Oh you've heard it already.

Kids here are running round in the sun with big water pistols at the moment.

One challenged me to a water fight this morning. I quickly won though, with my kettle.

Rough times at the moment though.

Kid round here got his eye poked out with a pencil the other day.

Teach him to look through my bloody letterbox.

what do you call a deer that's blind and has no legs ?

Anything you like, whats he going to do about it?

My dog has no nose

How does he smell?

He can't be he's able to compensate with a heightened sense of taste.

I can't take credit for this, as my son told me....

-Knock knock
-Who's there?
-Twitter.
-Twitter who?
-I didn't know you were an owl.

Dont get me wrong, I'm all for the women's movement....

...I hate it when they just lie there

A computer beat me at chess. It was no good at kick boxing though.

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Doorbell repairman

I bought some powdered water - I don't know what to add.

I've just installed a skylight - the people in the flat upstairs are really angry about it.

(Both by Steven Wright I think)

Wife says having a small knob should not affect our sex life...
i thought ok, but id still prefer it if she didnt have one at all...

Bloke goes into a bar and asks...

Vodka and orange please..
barman says...still orange..
bloke ...yes i havnt changed my mind....

why shouldn't you **** a retarded dwarf ?

because it's not big and it's not clever.

What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs, and bleeding to death?

Still no bloody idea.

What did Kermit the Frog say when Jim Henson died?

Nothing.

Times New Roman walks into a bar

Barman: We don't serve your type in here

A woman walked into a cocktail bar, and ordered the Double Entendre.

So the barman gave her one.

His roadie mate followed him in, and gave her one too.

How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?

Hold its face to the fire until its bill withers

Whats got two legs and bleeds?...........Half a dog.

How do you make a dog drink?............Put it in a blender.

What do you call a man wi no arms and no legs swimming lengths?...........Clever Dick.

Did you hear the one about the constipated mathematician? He sat down and worked it out with a pencil.

3 parrots for sale at £170, £150 and £10, woman asks "why is that parrot so cheap", shopkeeper replies "it used to live in a brothel", the woman finds it funny and buys it, she gets home and the parrot says "**** me a new brothel" the woman laughs, her two daughters come home and the parrot says "**** me, 2 new girls" and they laugh, when her husband walks in the parrot says "**** me, Dave, long time no see".