Sorry for the macabre post, its my Gran's funeral tomorrow, can anyone tell me about funeral etiquette. Neither me nor the wife have ever been to one before. Is there anything I should take for anyone? Anything I need to do or say? All I have is a time and a place to go. Obviously I'm going to put on a dark suit and black tie, but I literally know nothing else other than that. Its a CoE church if thats any use...
My uncles funeral was this week. My advice is take a handkerchief, be open and honest, cry if you feel like it, act with dignity and be nice to everyone.
I had to read the eulogy, which was the least fun thing ive ever done
Unless you have been asked to do anything at the funeral then it is just a time to go along and pay your respects and remember your Gran with your family and her friends.
If it's your Gran, then a handkerchief is a good idea as crikey said.
organising one for my grandad atm. not fun.
as above +
take some cash as there may well be donations for a nominated charity - we are doing it for RNLI.
also need some for the bar at the wake.
my nan died 5 years ago. i cried like a school boy, dont be afraid to let it out mate, its part of the coming to terms process and moving on (eventuly), a somber day yes , but remeber the good times you must of had.steal your self a smile , of a good time.
I have my second of the year on Friday. Dad's was in January, this time it's my mum.
My advice?
Wear what you feel comfortable in. You actions will say more about your feelings than any dress code.
Don't feel you have to be "a man". Show what you feel. At least one of your parents will be completely cut up by it all. If you're the sort or person that never normally shows their emotions, now is the time.
The grieving doesn't end after the funeral. Be prepared to put your self out to help others. It'll help you too.
If you feel you really have something personal to say, let folk know now.
Could take a wreath or flowers with a condolence card.
On a side note for wearing a suit, when my dad died last year I said to my mum about having to buy some trousers and shirt for the funeral as I don't own any. She hit the roof and told me not to waste my money on something i'll never wear again. So I brought some black craghoppers and a brother lent me a dark blue shirt. Even my Auntie laughed at the funeral and said she wouldn't have been surprised to see me turn up in shorts and a t-shirt.
Hopefully the undertaker will lead you through the service, take a hankie, an umberella, a waterproof coat, some change for the collection.
Some may cry some may not,me i cried for my mum and dad, you feel a prat, then look round and others are doing the same.
Enjoy the food and tea afterwards.
only experience I've had in my girlfriend's when I was 23 - all I cared about was that people were there, so don't worry about taking/doing/saying anything. Do remember to turn off your phone though
also don't worry about not crying!
No need to take anything other than a couple of quid for a collection plate, there usually is one. CofE, usually a couple of readings by family and some standard prayers you will have heard on TV progs. Maybe a few hymns. If you do a sympathy card, that would normally go straight to the family house. Most churches aren't burying folk themselves any more, so usually after the church everyone hops in the cars and heads off to the cemetery or crematorium for a five/ten minute ceremony there.
Much as others have said. Be prepared to be supportive of your parents / siblings if they are there
Good luck
Sit right at the back, No one will see you crying then.
Dont be in a rush to go out straight afterwards , take a moment or 2.
If you are going to a burial, they are double hard. Sometimes they are very private if at a different church. Cremation also hard but not in the same way, take some change , lots of tissues, big umbrella , maybe some really pretty flowers .
Hopefully the mood will lighten a touch soon after, thats when it becomes a bit more of the awful cliche 'celebration of life part'.
Take some sunnies to hide behind if its at all bright.
Some people say no flowers and suggest a donation to a specific charity.
We took dads flowers home as they were beautiful.
damn . dust in my eyes now
Tissues and plenty of. I've been to a fair few funerals and only held back the tears at one. As far as what you wear that's a personal choice but for the elder generation it's generally a black affair and for the younger generations a coloured tie or even your normal clothes!. As long as youre there with your wife that's the important thing. You're there to say your goodbyes and I'm sure she wouldn't want you to feel awkward in anyway. Best of luck
Do what you need to do. That is all. Don't feel obliged to do anything. Funerals are deeply personal, everyone deals differently. This is fine, and expected.
If you get asked if you want to view the body, say no. This is acceptable, and a Really Good Idea.
Also, shit, sorry about your loss. Hope you're ok.
As project says, let the undertakers usher people and follow their lead ....... they are always really professional
And my condolences druidh
Hi PP, Sorry for your loss. I don't mean to be morbid, but is it a burial?, as you may be asked to hold a cord, for lowering the coffin. I used to be a gravedigger and as part of the job, attended quite a lot of funerals.
Penrod - some good advice given. It won't be an easy day.
druid - so sorry to read your post, my condolences. I remember your moving write-up on the ride you dedicated to your father. Be strong.
Thanks all, useful info thanks. Its a cremation ivnickkate
Druidh - condolences, and thanks for sharing.
It was my Grandads just a few weeks ago, i was a mess, carrying the coffin just really got to me. I just made sure i held my Nan as she was so upset too.
Be there for your family members who need your support, hold their hand, put your arm around them, what ever they need.
My condolences to all on this thread who've been through/to go through this tough time
And don't forget to remember the happy times and celebrate her life. I am not religious so at prayers I find myself thinking happy thoughts and having my own little messages for them. Lost too many in my life and it's never easy - all grandparents, two aunts, an uncle and then lost my dad last January 🙁
plenty of hankies - one for tears, one for nose then a spare one or two... and I don't usually show much emotion
I didn't go to a funeral for the first 25 years of my life, then I got 5 in quick succession (Great Aunt, Grandma, Grandpa, wife's Gran, then friend from school).
The worst? Definitely the school friend. All the other ones had happy memories to focus on, plenty to talk about. School friend committed suicide on his first night inside, a few weeks after I last saw him, he hadn't said a thing. I held a cord at his burial, crying like a baby. Still gets me 6 months on.
My advice from this - remember the good times. Also, remember everyone will be feeling terrible to a greater or lesser degree, and they will know how you feel, so there's no need to hide it. And a hug goes a long way.
the funerals i have been to have been varied, the most "odd" was the GFs grans. She had chosen Monty Python always look on the bright side for the cremation bit, she had done most of the planning of how she wanted her funeral to be conducted. It did lighten the mood a lot. So although a sad occasion people weren't sad in the same way.
Just see how you go,