MegaSack DRAW - This year's winner is user - rgwb
We will be in touch
I'm sure we've all been there, going through a painful relationship breakdown and losing friends into the bargain as well.
My fiancee left over two yrs ago and i was mulling things over last night and thinking about the friends i no longer see. I suspect i didn't behave too well towards some people, pushing them away and breaking off contact because i (in my wisdom) percieved them to be 'friends of hers, not friends of mine'. I know for a fact i hurt one lady rather badly because of this attitude but at the time i needed to push them away because i couldn't bear to be in contact with people i knew were still seeing the ex.
I kinda miss these people now but i suspect i've behaved so poorly they won't want me to initiate contact again and i can't say i blame them.
Am i the only fool who manages to hurt himself and others in some strange masochistic frenzy? 🙄
If they are true friends, they will understand, give them a call and see what happens.
Are you the only fool? Hell no!
What have you got to lose?
Get amongst it.
Ask them. They can only say no.
Explain how hurt you were, and what you felt at the time, if they're really friends then they'll forgive, yes?
What ^^^ they said, we're all a bit crap under relationship stress i reckon.
Its that bad that i actually gave up an entire hobby/social scene that cost me £££££ because it was something we did together and the friends we made there are now the ones i don't see.
Thing is, i deleted all phone numbers/e-mail addresses etc. so can't easily get in touch....
face book surely
A friend of mine did something similar when he came out but couldn't admit being gay to his friends despite none of us being bothered either way (besides it was hardly a suprise to any of us). He diid some really bad stuff including stealing from people he worked for trying to pay for a lifestyle he couldn't afford. We got back in touch a couple of years after, he was genuinely sorry and had paid for the things he'd done. That's it as far as I'm concerned and we're fine now. Suspect the same would be true for you.
If it's a social scene, then go along? Better face to face perhaps anyway.
Well if i do (and i've had enough offers) then at least i'll be prepared for trouble in full armour and carrying an 8ft axe.... 😉
Actually, one of my problems is that the ex had a minor fling with one of the blokes in the group (who i thought was a friend) and my worry is that - as there are LOTS of weapons around - i'll end up stabbing/clubbing him, not really a good idea.
What sort of social scene is that!!! LOL.
Be the better man, Muddydwarf.
Emsz - i was a member of a medieval re-enactment group so large, heavy close-quarter weaponry was kinda derigeur!!
In retrospect, the above bloke is just a minor irritant, proved himself not to be worth my friendship so no loss there. It's the others who had to walk that horrible line when friends split up, trying to be friends with both only to catch it in the neck from one or both of the people in the failed relationship.
It didn't help that she publically told me she didn't want to get married anymore at a restaraunt table when we were all out for a meal with the group members.
Kinda makes me cringe in embarrassment still...
Just be honest, hold your hands up and admit to being a tit. Tell them what you've told us that their friendship means a lot to you and the reasons why you'd pushed them away and the reasons you'd like to see them again. You have nothing to lose, except face and that is worthless in the real world.
Just tell them. I upset quite a few people when I was down and out after I broke my hip, I wasn't functioning at all... Not everyone understood but most did, I almost didn't have the nerve to say to people "Sorry I was a cock" but it was 100% worth it.
Looks like MTFU is the required option then! 😳
No, sod it and sod them. You can find other mates and other interests. If they were really good mates they would still be mates.
One way of looking at it i suppose, but i've let too many friendships slide over the yrs for some bloody silly reasons.
Not a philosophy that works for everyone, trimix.
Do it. Some won't be pleased to hear from you, but others will and they're the ones who are worth the effort.
When I came out in late 2009, I had an "interesting" time, watching quite a few of who I thought were my friends finding it all really difficult and not really inviting me to things any more. Not exactly what I needed and, to be honest, I was really annoyed at the time after all the support I have given to other way on occasion.
Having said all that; I learned who my real friends were and some relationships became much stronger and I think, although I now have a smaller group of friends, I know them so much better and know they will support me through anything.
Now I have left it for a while for them to get used to the idea, I do meet some of them again now and then - we do get on a bit better than before. I think what I'm saying is two things - it's never too late to re-acquaint yourself with old friends but also remember contact can be made in either direction - it's just as easy for them as it is for you.
Rachel
Good point Rachel, it does work both ways. I forget that sometimes.
Oh - and is "LARP" something to do with re-enactments? I know someone into that...
Rachel
Er, not quite...
It's kinda like the embarrassing 'special' brother in the attic!
Re-enactors are bad enough, but at least they strive to be as historically authentic as possible only using the correct fabrics etc.
LARP'ers think they are magical elves..... 😛
yeah - that makes sense... 🙂
Rachel, I was outed in 2006. I was 15 at the time, by a close friend who I'd confided in. (end of year 9 I told her, start of year 10 EVERYONE knew, including teachers!!) but had a similar experience to you, I've close friends who I owe a debt I can barely repay, one girl has a broken nose because of it. I found out who my real friends were, and some of them were not who I expected.
Mixed since leaving school (which was shit for a year or so if I'm honest) one or two have approached me and apologised, the flipside, I got called "Lezza Bitch" a week or so ago by another girl I knew from back then. Hey ho... 🙄
Oh - and is "LARP" something to do with re-enactments?
You get 'em turning up with a cloak and some weird ideas, they think because they can wang a rubber 'sword' around they can use the real thing - soon get disabused with that idea!
"I'm a 7th level mage and i cast fear on you!"
"oh yeah, this is an axe......"
Bloody 64-bit browser, can never see anything!
hmmm... I could have written that. Wife left couple of weeks back, and I lost 2 good mates about 4 years ago when one of them went through a split.
As chance would have it, they have both contacted me and We are going out on Friday night for a bit of a reunion.
Why do we do that? Is it some sort of defence mechanism we use to prevent hurt buy removing the threat?
OMG - That video is brilliant!! And to think my brother thinks I'M weird!! lol (the LARP guy is his friend)
Sorry to hear that, emsz - I've been really lucky and never once actually had anyone saying anything like that, more just either ignoring me or not wanting to be seen in public with me. Completely ridiculous really. My parents, even now, still haven't got round to telling the rest of the family - goodness knows what will happen if there's a funeral or something...
Still, my good friends and everyone at work have been AMAZING!!
Rachel
goodness knows what will happen if there's a funeral or something...
Fake your own death and find out? 8)
presumably, that's one funeral I wouldn't expect to be invited to (at least not as a guest...)
A friend of mine from way back transitioned a few yrs ago. She disappeared down to London by all accounts, worked hard to earn the money and went down the full route.
She appeared back in town one night and it was like nothing had changed, was still the same personality of course, just found it a little odd when she demanded i felt how 'real' her breasts were....*
*Strangely enough, i don't go around feeling the breasts of my female friends!
She's now very happy in a lesbian relationship in the countryside 🙂
Just watched that vid, Cheered me up no end... "Lightning bolt, lightning bolt"...LOL
Oh gods, just seen that video!
Yeah, just like that! I know re-enactors are a bit 'special' anyway but they make us seem almost normal! rubber swords, rubber armour and spells? FFS why did i spend ££££ on 6 stone of steel armour???
Can I point out now I won't be coming on any rides insisting on people feeling my breasts???
I have pushed away quite a few people in my life and although I regret it I have learnt that I am more susceptible to doing it. I however, cannot bring myself to get back into contact with them. It's weird, kind of like a personal doubt that is always there. Like a nagging voice. I used to go to church and built up strong friendships with a few people, however after loosing the faith I've ''backslided'' my way back to my old ways and just ride my bike on Sundays. They all think i'm a selfish loser probably as I don't want to know anymore.
😆 A certain SFB has just pouted...
you are not alone MD in trying to find a connection. it's just natural. mates can be all over the place, we have the modern facilities to connect. I just worry if my mates like me....
Robytson - do you feel like you are 'punishing' them in some weird sort of way, even though it's really you who is being hurt by these actions?
In a weird sort of way yeh I think I am. However I do think I need to stop 'over-thinking' and putting thought processes onto everything. I mean I am getting better but I do cut contact and then think 'they'll suffer more than I will' thinking i'm a gift to be around, when in reality i'm not.
Oh boy do i understand that mentality! 😳
Don't beat yourself up over it. I just remind myself that we all have our flaws and it is good that we are trying to right them.
well said Robtyson!!
It's weird but yeah, when i split with the ex i went a bit mental, to the point of tying an old bit of ratty sisal to the garage roof, tying it around my neck and jumping off the step ladder.
Of course, it snapped like i really knew it would. I felt 'betrayed' by those friends for some reason, maybe because they weren't the ones who rallied around me because they were trying to be even handed or maybe because they simply didn't know what to say to me. I pushed them away even though i valued their friendship, now i'm not sure if i ever had it...
Thanks allthegear. In a way though our hopes and desires of what we want from life radically fall short of the reality of our lives. It is good that you are talking about these things and that you want to make ammends but people are extremely hard to read sometimes and there have been times where I have gone to the extremes of cutting all contact and wanting to go on a McCandles 'Into the Wild' adventure with just my bike and the wilderness but we need people at the end of the day.
Hmmmm, I can understand this. At the end of the day, it takes two people to maintain a friendship and friendships do take some work. But perhaps you are being rather sensitive?
I think that when it comes to break-ups, many friends/people are terribly uncertain of protocol. Let's face it, nobody wants to listen to someone whining about their ex in too much detail. So possibly some folk keep their distance?
Have found it quite tricky myself, coming out of a marriage and starting another life. In fact one friend, whom I have known for a very long time, actually told me that she thought I was shutting myself away from the world.
Give it a go, you've nothing to lose but a lot to gain. 🙂