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[i]Sounds OK to me[/i]
It's the way I tell it.... 😯
It was actually grim, the grimmest thing that's ever happened to me, and I still wake up at night sweating and thinking about it...
Serious question...
My life feels empty at the moment, my wife dislikes intimacy, she won't go anywhere that involves culture or mental effort, my teenage son is of course a joy to me but he doesn't want to do anything other than play on his laptop and text his pals. I have no hobbies or interests, work is stressing the hell out of me, I'm royally hacked off and can't see any way out of the rut.
Did you have a sense that your life might turn out like this?
I ended up running off with a younger woman, then ran off from her too. I ended up living in a single room with my clothes in bin bags, crying myself to sleep, and taking anti-depressants and alcohol in large quantities.
crikey!
crikey - do you feel at peace with yourself now? That was a pretty shocking post of yours and it took courage.
Er...
It changed the way I think about myself. I never thought I'd be the kind of person that would do that kind of thing, and when I did, the most difficult part of the whole thing was sitting back and looking at all the hurt and damage I caused and realising that it was all my fault.
It took a long time to come to terms with, and I'm not sure that I really have, or ever will.
To all intents and purposes, from the outside I appear to be ...over it..., but I'm still guilty, and always will be.
It's a little monkey on my shoulder, some days it's easy to ignore, somedays its not.
Hey ho... rich tapestry of life and all that.
One of the most interesting things with Laurent Fignon's biography is that even someone at the top of his profession, doing something he loved had the same problem about being unsatisfied. At one point he said:
I believe that I was ground down by everything, by the pace of a life lived at a hundred kilometres per hour and the humdrum routine that I had got into over the years. I did the same work. I rode for the same team. The same people looked after me. I came home to the same woman. It was a hard thing to admit but I needed change. I needed a revolution.
The revolution needs to start with yourself.
T.J. that did make me giggle.sometimes you just go out for a spin with some oddballs.
Looking around me I see all kinds of people with a least one major problem, or several little ones. We live in the western world where there are high expectations.
Have you thought about changing the way you live? Maybe cutting down on the work hours, spend more time in the garden, grow things, go out wildlife watching, just having a slower pace of life, do you really need the money you earn, is it a case of buying for things for your lad because he wants them etc.
Surprise the wife one night, take her out somewhere special or talk to her about organising a night/weekend away. If that fails, get counselling.
Good luck.
Thanks crikey.
TSY - if only one was born with a crystal ball! Dunno whether there's just much more general dissatisfaction around these days, perhaps the oldies aren't prepared to 'put up and shut up' as our parents did?
A question for you all - looking around your social circle, how many do you think are genuinely happy with their lot?
Go and see a therapist, it's probably the second best thing I ever did after learning to ride a bike 🙂
Really made a huge difference to my ability to see when I am being a miserable sod and more importantly why I am doing it. It's then much easier to get yourself out of the funk
I think it's to do with choices. In the olden days (!) I think peoples lives were more predictable and more insular. Given more choice, we begin to see how things could be different and we begin to yearn for different experiences and become dissatisfied with our own lives.
The interesting thing about my problems were the number of people who sidled up to me and opened up about their own lives, about their own mental health issues and about their own missed opportunities.
One of the blessings of age is that we can, if we allow it, become happier or more content with what we've got, and we can, if we allow it, realise that the grass is not always greener.
Another thing with people in the western world, they all think they are owed happiness, or should be happy all the time. It's just not possible.
Some of the happiest people I know are the ones who have a simple way of life. Maybe they are easily pleased.
Going out on a bike into the country is a simple activity, getting pleasure from the surroundings, the exercise, endorphins, company of fellow riders. Many people will never have these feelings, they buy happiness, more toys, more drugs etc. vicious circle really.
im only 31 so maybe you should ignore me but i have felt just like you describe, and for me it took the death of a very close friend to pull me out of my funk. lucy was the girl we all turned to when feeling down, she was beautiful, and full of life. and was dead 3 months after diagnosis. 3 months after riding w2 with me. she always put us boys to shame on a bike 🙂
my point is, you dont know what is just round the corner, so pull yourself together. life will not land fully formed on your lap. this life you are blessed to be living is not a rehearsal. you have to MAKE it a happy life. you did when you were young and you can again. you get one go at this thing called life, make it everything you can. there are new friends here ^^^ they really want to go for a ride and a pint with you.
get your own shit together before you make rash decisions about your marriage though, i know im not a very attractive person when im down, i bet your not either.
sorry, that seems a bit much
Wow, lots of wise words there! For a bunch of cyclists the STW massive would make pretty good therapists or psychologists!
I'm OK for riding company thanks, I can join the mountain bike club or go road riding with a buddy or a local road club. I even join the Cycle Chat forum rides occasionally and they're a bunch of eccentrics!
It's a bigger issue concerning life generally and where it's leading. As others have advised I need to start something new or do something different. A few weeks ago there was a thing doing the rounds of the internet about people's top ten dying regrets and one was "I never did things I wanted to do" while the other was "I didn't assert myself enough" so maybe there's some food for thought there.
I think most people wake up to themselves at various points in their life..
I've been depressed a few times in the past and the clearest and simplest solution has always been change..
I've always preferred profound and drastic changes.. fundamental and far reaching, to really ensure that my perspective changes too..
be good to yourself.. treat yourself with kindness.. and make changes that will improve your life..
life is a gift and to squander it regretfully is the most callous and ungrateful rejection..
just embrace change and create something for yourself.. whether the change be as small as explaining to your wife that you demand a little more stimulation from life.. or as complex as having an affair with your neighbours Oxbridge nephew.. or as simple and robust as getting divorced and living in a tent in Greece..
Experiences are the forces that shape us.. will you stoically be eroded by the weather like the granite tor or will you expand your consciousness throughout the cosmos in a cocaine fuelled sweat soaked spunk stained lung burstingly hysterical alcoholic frenzy of joy and intellectual sexual exploration..?
Does life lead and you follow or are you choosing your own path?
Depression is just like a black hole - mostly avoidable with careful steerage of your space capsule. But sometimes space aliens attack and you get pulled in a spiral toward the dark singularity. You think you cant escape as you spiral in, but you can. You have to turn to face the stars and hit full thrusters.
[it's late and I'm spaced, sorry]
Or you could do some Cognitive Behaviour Therapy or lessons like I did which I have found very helpful in understanding what was happening in my head.
Importantly, don't be so hard on yourself. In fact, start being very kind to yourself. You are, after all, a sound bloke aren't you.
Some good stuff has been said above. I'd just re-iterate the work-related stress bit. We often consider that we work hard in order to buy the stuff that makes us/keeps us happy. If that work is making you unhappy, it's a bit self-defeating.
If you are bringing that stress, unhappiness and potentially tiredness home with you, it's no wonder your Mrs is a bit distant. Are you sure you're really a nice person to be with at the moment?
I'd be taking a good look at my job and what it's doing to me before stating down any other routes, but mibbe just take a few days away with your Mrs somewhere and chill with her, talk to her....
Does your son cycle? If so, then you already have a cycling buddy. My teenager is a delight (err), but he begs for bike rides. If not, why not introduce him to the joys of off-road?
Can you cycle commute? A daily ride to and from work is a great stress-reliever. Even in tomorrow's gusty wind and rain (honestly).
And this...
Go and see your GP, tell her/him how you feel.
As a first step, you do need to talk to your wife and be completely open with your feelings. Ask her if she's happy with her life? It might not just be you who's struggling.
At this stage you do not need to see your GP.
Get a dog, Mans Best friend
Go on Nick - post a pic of your GSD. 🙂
globalti - Member
Jesus, I feel better already
Here we go again...
Even big fields have a fence to cross eventually.
So why not hop the fence into a greener pasture, I'm sure there's a better life out there for the OP, just needs to take a brave blind leap towards something better. I did it about 5 years ago, I'll be due to do it again soon.
So why not hop the fence into a greener pasture
Without trying to fix? Running away is not always the right way to do things!
Your wife may well be on the menopause, this with hormone changes can cause the loss of libido. If this is the case it's also a time when woman feel they've reached their 'shelf life', feeling older and unattractive.
You need to talk.
What about a mistress?
Could be just the ticket.