[Closed] Emotional support for miscarriage

So sorry to hear that fella. Give these guys a ring, they are a really good organisation, and at 23 weeks may be the most appropriate first contact.

https://www.uk-sands.org/

There is a pack aimed specifically at dads on there, too, if you just want to read something.

I'm sure you'll get a lot of support off here, even if it's just a place to sound off.

I've tried to join their forum but think it needs to be approved by their mods.
Every time I try to speak about it at the moment I just break down again in tears.
Going to bed every night crying and waking up crying every morning

That's totally understandable. Is your partner back home or are you on your own? Try their helpline if you get the chance.

As I said, there will be people on here who have been through this, and certainly plenty who can empathise with what you're going through.

I'm really sorry to hear that, such shitty news. We suffered a mischarriage during our first pregnancy and I struggled as well. I took a week off work due to the stress and spent it with my wife, supporting each other. I don't know of any particular support groups, I just made sure I talked to my wife and friends and close family.
One thing that came out of this is that it is actually really common and lots of people have been through it but no body talks about it. It doesn't help with your loss but it can help with the feelings of "why us". Its for that reason that I'm actually fairly vocal about the subject and don't mind sharing my experiences despite me being a great one for bottling things up most of the time.

It will get better, it'll take time, just make sure you talk to each other and your family.

Dan

Really sorry mate. I'm not much good at knowing what to say at times like this. Haven't been through this myself thankfully but feel for you and your wife. I'm sure in time things will get better but until then be strong and let it all out.

Friends and family worked for us. Try not to shut them out and deal with it yourself.

We suffered three miscarriages, and even when we finally got our daughter that wasn't simple (a problem pregnancy, born prematurely and 4 operations before she was 1).

She'll be 14 in 3 weeks time, and all that seems a distant memory now as we argue over a messy bedroom!

You won't get over it quickly, you'll never forget, but it will get easier.

Very sorry to hear that mate, we had a few months last year where my daughter was diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes in the March then my wife suffered a miscarriage the month after triggering 3-4 months off work for her and depression.

Only advice i can give is that it is hard for you both, pull on friends and family as much as you need, don't be scared to tell people if you are not coping and just remember to be there for your wife, as it is difficult for you, it is probably 10x harder for her.

One thing that came out of this is that it is actually really common and lots of people have been through it but no body talks about it. It doesn't help with your loss but it can help with the feelings of "why us". Its for that reason that I'm actually fairly vocal about the subject and don't mind sharing my experiences despite me being a great one for bottling things up most of the time.

This is spot on, but twins at 23wks will be especially hard.

We have had more than miscarriages than I want to count (well into double figures) but, between them, three wonderful healthy kids. It will be hard to move on but you will find ways to see some light and things will get better.

Forums and stuff are great and have their place, but sometimes a human voice is what you need. Ask the maternity ward who can help and/or phone SANDS direct, 020 7436 5881.

Terrible time for both of you. My condolences.
Just make sure you are both talking to each other, setbacks like this can be devastating for some relationships.
If either of you are struggling to cope then do speak to professionals sooner rather than later.

Happened to me and the Mrs, you don't get over it, just learn to cope.

Sad times, I feel for you both.

You're not on your own with the crying. All I can say is that it will pass in time. Be there for each other.

If either of you are struggling to cope then do speak to professionals sooner rather than later.

+1

We suffered a couple of miscarriages along the way, including one after a car crash that was really sh*t.

I would suggest speaking to your GP - they should be able to sort out some counselling etc.
Definitely do something though - I didn't and still wish I'd managed it better.

Take care - it really is a sh*t thing to happen, and it will get better in time, but there is no shame in asking for a bit of help to cope.

Such sad news.
Might the Mumsnet [url= http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/miscarriage ]Miscarriage forum[/url] be helpful? (they welcome dads, too)

Horrible news, I felt sick reading your post. Wife had miscarriage and she must've cried everyday for a month afterwards. No advice I can give that hasn't been already said above except give each other plenty of hugs whilst lying on the sofa watching crap tv.

My wife volunteers on the Child Death Helpline and has done since the death of our eldest daughter. All the people answering the phones are not only trained but are also bereaved parents themselves. Whilst every loss is different, they will understand where you are. The number is 0800 282986.

If you need to chat, my email's in the profile.

Really sorry to hear this, like you have been down this route more than once and you have my utmost sympathy. Lots of good advice on here but best wishes to you and your wife.

Back home now. I think the shock of it all hit the wife when she woke up and it was still real.
Not really eating or sleeping and no motivation to do anything.
We have booked a few days away in York to try and have a break for a while.

Feel like my hearts been ripped out at the moment. It seems we were so close as all the doctors were saying at 24 weeks you have a chance but 23 they didn't even try.
I went to see them because I didn't want them to have never been kissed or told they were loved, wrapped them in my t shirt together. Had to walk out the maternity unit past rooms of newborns and all we had was a box with 2 pairs of tiny hand prints.
Thanks for everyone's words I'm just finding it hard to see a light at the end of the tunnel.

So sorry Big Yim. So heartbreaking.

The Miscarriage Association has email and phone helplines: -
- miscarriageassociation.org.uk
- 01924200799
- info@miscarriageassociation.org.uk

Cruse Bereavement Care: -
- cruse.org.uk
- 08088081677

NCT can also help I believe.
- nct.org.uk
- 03003300700

If you want just someone to talk to - my email in profile.

Hey big yim,

I feel for you, and for what its worth, huge amounts of love for you and your missus from us here.

From friends and family that have been through similar, know that it is absolutely right to feel how you do, and that the twins will never be forgotten by you and those close to you.

In time, when you are ready, the pain will subside, the sun will come out again, and hope will return.

The recommendation of SANDS or Child Death Helpline are excellent - talking will help.

All our love to you both

Oh mate, I'm broken hearted for you. Happened to us twice; as others have said you'll never forget but it will get easier.

Be close, love your wife, together you will come through this stronger than before.

There is a light, it might just be a pinprick right now, but there is a light, and every day it will get bigger, and one day it will be an all consuming brighter than the sun light that stomps around and refuses to pick up her washing.

To steal someone else's comment from another thread a few days back.... that's not dust, these are tears.

^^ Definitely,

Feel for you big yim. We've been there, more than once. There was support through our hospital in Sheffield but we didn't use it, just too caught up in ourselves I guess. What really helped was talking to, and crying with, friends, family and colleagues; it turns out most of them (>75%!) had been through it too but not talked about it. Somehow, knowing that we weren't the only ones helped put some perspective, if not meaning, to it all. Our excellent GP (who's been through it too) said that in the majority of miscarriages there is no clear medical explanation that we can fathom, but perhaps the body just knows when one of the innumerable variables aren't quite right.

There's great advice above and more to come I'm sure. As others have said, let it out here, you're amongst friends.

despite me being a great one for bottling things up most of the time.

That's me; but I wholeheartedly agree that being vocal has helped me find out that, yes, we are far from the only ones. Lots of good advice already and doubtless more will come. You will find lots of people who have their tales. We lost a child at 4 months, and our daughter at nine months. The excitement and joy of going to the hospital to give birth crumbled when they couldn't find the hearbeat. The autopsy showed that she had died in the previous 48h. Every story is different, but I had never, ever felt anything so soul destroying.

Like you, we held her, and like you we felt there was nothing but tunnel, and no light. I had some dark thoughts. The only thing I would really say, at this stage, is be there for each other, and take the time you need and speak to people. Sometimes I found it strangely easier to talk to people I was less close to, possibly because those I was very close to I knew were suffering too. Perhaps not as much, and perhaps they were only suffering because they saw me hurt, but I felt conscious of that, so some of the discussions were easier with people had less attachment too.

We now are blessed with two sons (3 and 1) who are an [b]absolute [/b]joy. It took us time to get to the point where even the idea of my wife being pregnant again was something we could consider, and it was complicated, and immensely stressful until the very second where he cried his first cry, and at that point the wave of emotion was easily the most powerful thing I have ever felt, including the loss of our daughter.

Lots of advice already on who to talk to, happy also to talk if that would be useful.

I went to see them because I didn't want them to have never been kissed or told they were loved, wrapped them in my t shirt together. Had to walk out the maternity unit past rooms of newborns and all we had was a box with 2 pairs of tiny hand prints.

**** me I have heard of some brave things and have read stuff on here over the years that humbles me but this exceeds them all. Have no advice other than take care and take it slow.

As others have said big yim I'm broken hearted for you. We went through a couple of miscarriages but at a much earlier stage and it just blindsides you as you start making plans for the future. The world may seem a very dark place now but hopefully with the love you both have for each other and through family and friends light can return very soon for you both.

I feel your pain, went through something similar with my wife a few years ago. Only thing I can say is don't be afraid to ask friends or family for support. My email is in profile if you need to talk...

Thanks for everyone's words I'm just finding it hard to see a light at the end of the tunnel.

That's totally normal in these circumstances, perfectly natural raw grief you're experiencing. The light is there, and it will come, eventually, but just keep talking to people, professionals if you feel it will help, and to most importantly to each other.

been there, a couple of times at least. feel for you both.
Bot sure what support groups there are these days, I think we simply bottled it up and felt awful for weeks 🙁

But it is pretty common. Give your best mates bring, get out for a spin solo or in company.. And keep supporting your wife, obviously...

Horrible news, I'm so sorry for you both. Like others here we've been through this a number of times and there's no two ways about it, it's just a terrible thing to go through. You'll be feeling pretty helpless as you see the pain your wife is in but you're helping her more than you know by just being there. That said, don't play the rock at the expense of your own feelings, give yourself some time (and space if you need it) to grieve and it's OK to be angry at the unfairness of it all.

There is plenty of support available but my wife and I actually retreated into ourselves (as a couple) and helped each other through it. Might not work for everyone but in a weird way it made us stronger in the long term.

Finally, the worst will pass. When it does, it isn't a betrayal to start thinking about the future again. You won't forget your twins, they'll always be a part of you now, but that doesn't have to be the end of your story.

Like so many, we've been through this as well. Twice. My brother and his missus have just had it happen to them, as has another close friend and my brother in law and his wife.

Happened to us the first time about 8 years ago. Hurt us both deeply and despite it happening early on, we saw the scans, we saw that little person etc. Still think about it.

As others have said, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Try again and it'll happen. We had miscarriage #1, then had Noel who is now 7, then had another miscarriage after him but then had Oz who is coming up to 4. Doesn't make it any easier right now so I suggest you both just take time out, be there for each other, eat a shit load of chocolate cake and drink tea and whilst you'll never forget, as soon as you can try again.

Its worth it.

**** me I have heard of some brave things and have read stuff on here over the years that humbles me but this exceeds them all. Have no advice other than take care and take it slow.

I cannot agree more. Very humbling, tremendously moving and courageous. Was sat in the office and moved to tears.

Thanks for everyones kind words. It's horrible to think people have been through the pain I'm going through but comforting that there is some hope.
It's been said before but sometimes stw is a special place with some genuinely lovely people

I helped out at our church when a bloke and his wife I knew (but not close to) lost their child, it was just before she was due so she had to give birth to her dead son/daughter (can't remember which). I say this as one memory from this which will stick with me forever was the dad carrying the tiny coffin down the aisle. I wept and I still have to fight back tears every time I think of it.

The joyous thing is that they went on to have 2 lovely kids later on.

I'm pretty solid emotionally but I'm not sure I could cope with your situation. But you will do, just stick together and don't be afraid to cry, to grieve, it has to happen and it'll be worse if you fight against it.

Here's hoping and praying for a new thread from you one day titled "Mini Big Yim born today - woohoo!"

big yim - I am sitting here crying my eyes out for your loss.
Maybe a post mortem can help.
I hope you named your babies and continue to talk about them as much as possible.
Cry as much as you like. Maybe climb a hill and shout into the wind.
You'll never forget but time will heal.
Huge hugs from Bunnyhop.

I have been through this before and our coping mechanism was to realise just how common this is and treat it as just one of those things that you just cant be helped. My wifes body essentially rejected the baby at 15 weeks so we said it just wasnt meant to be and carried on. This might not be your cup of tea in terms of dealing with it but just remeber it was not you or your wifes fault and it was just nature. Speak to the organisations mentioned above they really do know there stuff,its a little raw right now but it will get better.

Been there too - two wonderful kids from 4 pregnancies makes it easier to deal with in hindsight, but it was so raw for so long.

Struggled to find much help as the father. It was all about being strong for my wife and trying to carry on as normal for the little one we had at the time.

Wasn't until my mother in law came up a few days later, who told me to get out on my bike and clear my head, that I started to deal with it. Rode really hard that day, convinced myself it as the wind making my eyes water.

Hope you get some support for both of you.

jest re-read your post about the palm prints. just as well I work without others round about, had a good old sniff about that bit 🙁

big yin:

so sorry for your news, must admit im sitting here tearful at my desk.

we are in a different but similar situation - cant seem to have another child. i know its nothing like what youre going through but what i have found very important is that it has made our couple very very strong.

be there for one another, and cry together.

you will be able to 'get over this' you wont forget but you will move on.

courage et tout de bon.

Big Yin,

Really sorry to hear about your loss and I feel for both you and your wife. It's a terrible thing and I think I know how you feel as my ex-wife and I had the same thing happen to us all three times we managed to get pregnant by IVF.

The first time we lost a child, the hospital offered us counselling through 'Petals' [url= http://petalscharity.org/ ]http://petalscharity.org/[/url]. They tried to help, but my wife had a big resistance to talking to people so we only went a couple of times. When it happened the second time, I got offered counselling by the people that did the IVF and took that up. It helped.

Look, if you want to talk, my e-mail address is in my profile. Drop me a line and I'd be happy to lend you an ear. It gets easier. The pain never goes away, it just gets a little easier to deal with over time.

My partner and I suffered a miscarriage just over two years ago. It has almost destroyed us, we haven't dealt with it well at all.
She went to counseling, I didn't.
You should think about it. I wish you and your wife well.

We lost our first one at 24 weeks, he had rare genetic condition and couldn't survive. I remember holding him and giving him a kiss, my wife gave him a little bath and dressed him. We left the hospital a few hours later completely empty, drained and void of emotion, completely numb.

I can't say it gets easier with time, it hasn't, some days are ok others a harder. I liken it to carrying a pebble in my pocket, some days I don't notice it, others I can feel the pressure and some days it digs in.

Try to keep yourself well to look after your wife, try to talk about it, it really does help. Make time for yourself as well.

We were in a similar situation a few years ago when we lost our baby at 28 weeks.

It really is tough and I can't really add to the messages above. We contacted Sands who were a help.

It is something that does have a huge impact on you and you need to take time to process it. 6 years later, we are still affected by it but whilst we will never get over it, time does help you to come to terms with it. Grieving is an important process and you're obviously making the right steps by looking for help.

The one thing that surprised me was the number of other people who had been through similar things and the number of sympathetic ears available. Make use of each other, family and friends as well as charities etc. They know you better and you'll know the ones who will help you in your time of need.

Take care

John

Thank you all for your kind words. Just had a lovely bouquet of flowers from some friends

So very sorry to read this. I can't offer advice just my sympathy.

BY - very sorry to hear your loss. There have been some good suggestions made already but I would also add The Samaritans. They are v well trained and are excellent [b]listeners.[/b] They wont give advice per se, but that is probably not what you need immediately. Perfect is you want to talk/share your grief with a caring and non-judgmental person in confidence.

Very best wishes and condolences.

Have to agree that Samaritans can be good - they have helped me in the past.

BIg Yim. I am like everyone else sad to hear about the loss of your babies. I have never had to deal with such a loss after so many weeks, it's hard enough in the earlier weeks. I can only imagine how hard that must be for you and your wife. It is of course perfectly normal to feel the way you do. As suggested above I think it would be wise to name the babies. I know that has been helpful for others who have been in a similar position. Perhaps you can take some comfort to understand that this can be natures way to deciding the babies where not healthy enough to make it. Having children is a miracle when you think about it and there are many hurdles that have to be cleared and sadly many pregnancies don't make it to full term.

I'm so sorry to hear your news.
We suffered one and it was devastating, and really tough mentally - and it's a process of grieving and mourning that you go through.
All the advice above is spot on. Talk, take and look after each other. And all the best.

Feel for you having been there twice. Tried to be pragmatic each time, stats on likelihood blah blah but it's so deeply personal and vulnerable it's scary. Only recently realised how upset my wife was about it when we were watching a tv programme about it, she coped by looking to the future. I should add that 5 years on and we have 2 lovely kids now, but it still hurts.