[Closed] dumped

40 years old.

With another 40+ to go.

It won't be easy but better things will come.

9 years together.

in all the shock and confusion - 9 years is a pretty sizable measure of your worth. If you were worthless you wouldn't be able to measure anything in years.

i just lost the best friend i ever had, and i don't have the slightest idea why. i've done everything for her; supported her through years and years of serious depression. i had absolutely no idea she was going to drop this on me.

What can i say - sorry is a start i suppose.
Main thing (from bitter experience) is that while you may have done everything for her its unlikely what you did was what she needed as she probably had/still has no idea 'what' she wants. I had a mad ex, 10 years together, out the blue same thing. She had met someone else and that i was a waste of time and never gave her what she wanted etc etc. It was the darkest time of my life by quite some margin. I felt like the poo on the fly on the poo on the sole of a tramps shoe - no joke. However i gave myself 1 week to consider why i was actually a reasonable individual. I felt like a useless cock but i knew that in the end nothing I could do would make her happy and actually I needed to be happy with myself. I know this is not what you wnt to hear. 24mths down the line I'm getting married to the most fantastic person ever in 2mths time - i feel like i can live again and its awesome. So, please, look after yourself.

Don't know what to say really but things will get better

I am really sorry to hear that mate. Keep your chin up. Was it perhaps a drunken spur of the moment thing or has she been planning this for awhile? Perhaps once the dust has settled, sit down and find out where you stand in your relationship. If it is not salvageable, move on as quickly as poss. Throw yourself into a activity that will occupy your mind(cycling, reading, masterbation, whatever) and just keep busy. Hope it all works out for you.

Get some fresh air this weekend, and although it's tough - if it is over try to let go as quick as you can. Remember - if someone else is involved there is generally no going back, if it just a set of smaller problems things can often be worked out.

My advice (which aint worth s**t) is look forward to the future.

as Curtis. Is this really happening or has her night out and the catty gossipping women do formed an idea that she wouldn't have followed though on sober.

That's not to say such an idea would crystallize from nowhere in an instant, maybe all in the garden isn't as rosy as you may think, but maybe today is the first chance to rebuild and regrow what you clearly had going (9 years is a lot) rather than the end of it all.

Good luck.

one thing i would say is never go back. i did this and spent the next year or 2 in an on off relationship, because "she needed some space", "needed time to get her head round everything". in the end the cycle of 3 months on 1 month off started to piss me off as just as i was getting used to being on my own she would lure me back in (i'm a sucker for an offer of make up sex).
so when she left again. i told her not to ever contact me again as i'd had enough of her emotional shit.
take time to get over her and never let her hurt you twice, 3 time, 4 times. because women like this just don't know what they want and who they want it with.
i moved on and i'm really happy with my beautiful wife and kids, who i'd never have met if i'd have carried on with "i just need some time".

theotherjonv speaks sense. You need to understand what poison her friends have been dripping. And also be honest with how the relationship has been from her side for a few months/years.
A 9 year relationship does not end in an instant without months of problems, or drunken cajouling!

Chin up mate!

no drink involved. she doesnt drink at all. i don't know if it involves anyone else. she says not, but i don't know.
but i don't think there's anything salvageable though. she's going to her mum's house today for a few days.
not sure i can afford this place on just my income. sure it's just rented, but i love living here and i don't really want to move.
agh. what a ****ing mess my life has suddenly become.

Yep it will sure seem like that and you will be in a sort of state of mourning but you have to look after yourself. She probably can't articulate what it is right now but she has obviusly made a decision and is sticking to it. Can i ask a question - were you truly happy ? I mean - was this relationship everything you wanted ? And be honest with yourself.

Remember that when anyone gives you advice, they don't have to live with it, you do.

That said there ought to be rules that no serious relationship decision is either made or communicated at 0130 after a night's drinking.

I think some sensible things have been said. Nine years is a long time; find out where you stand, if it was really meant or if it was booze / depression / a bad day talking. Once you know be as decisive as you can. Fight for it if its worth it; get as clean a break as possible if it isn't.

Best of luck; it will get better. And remember the bit I started with - I and I suspect everyone else on here is giving advice which they are not qualified to give. Doesn't make us wrong (as I said I suspect most of what has been said is sensible) but you have to weight everything yourself. Now more than ever you have to really understand what it is that you want in life.

Keep pedaling.

Iain

xherbivorex mate, I'm really sorry to here that, my (bitter) advice would be:

Remember time is a long thing, don't make any rash decisions about anything.

During any discussions remember to breathe and keep calm, keep the moral high ground.

Don't roll over and let her have what ever she wants, I did that and that's something I regret, If I could go back I'd have kept all the stuff I'd worked hard for, rather than give up and walk away.

If she's 100% sure she's leaving you then tell her to go her own way, she's lost all your support. You HAVE to look after number one. There's no prizes for "being a good sport". You are priority number one. its harsh but you've got to move on if its over.

Remember that all things are possible, who's to say that you couldn't get a lodger to keep the house on, you may even end up better off financially? (but I've no idea of your situation).

If she's prepared to throw away nine years of companionship, love and decency with not so much as a reasonable explanation then she is not worthy of you.

Take care mate, there's some turbulent weather on the horizon but its how you handle the storm that will make you a better man and the sun will be warmer when (not if, but when) it shines again.

keep your chin up mate, good luck.

hey xherbivorex, that's rough.

I went through similar about a year ago - together for 7 years, then she decides it's not working. Nothing I could say. As you, I'd lost my best friend. And I felt exactly the same as you. (this was all about the time i joined STW - hence the name! although I am also incapable of escaping tractor tracks)

All I can say is I'm sure things will get better for you. It took me a while, and sometimes just when you think you're over it, you get whacked with bout of misery again. But it really does get better.

I'm still really none the wiser about the true reasons. We're still on speaking terms, but actually the more I get to know her as a friend, the more I realise we've grown so far apart, it probably was for the best.

The thing I found tough was actually re-discovering who I was and what I liked doing as me - we'd done everything together for so long. Now I'm actually enjoying the single life, although there's still times I miss what we had.

As others have said, try to keep r chin up, I know it looks crap now but things will get better!

'If she's prepared to throw away nine years of companionship, love and decency with not so much as a reasonable explanation then she is not worthy of you.'

x2

i know this sounds flippant, but she's faulty. find another one.

at least there's no kids involved and you're not tied together by a jointly owned home or anything.

find a mate, get lashed ( if that's what works for you ), ride your bike. take care.

Is she getting the rag? Maybe she's just temporarily insane due to raging hormonal imbalance and everything will right itself in a few days?

At least she didn't try to murder you for putting a spoon in the fork partition of the cutlery divider.

It's probably hard to do right now, but think of it as a new begining, and a chance to make all the changes in your life you've always wanted to, but have been too settled to actually do. Take some time off work, and travel. Buy that new bike you were scared she'd go apesh!t over.

On a more practical note, if you have joint finances, go to the bank and split them now. Do some proper budgeting, and work out if you really can afford to stay there, and whether you would need to cut back on certain areas if you did. Prioritise things, and do what's most important for you first.

Before any of that though, talk to her, calmly, and find out why she's decided to leave you. Chances are you're not going to be able to change her mind, so just treat it as some sort of closure. If you don't find out why, it'll always nag at you.

If you want something to help you see the positive side, a mate of mine was divorced by his wife of 5 years, 2 years ago. He was devastated, and to be honest, we were all worried that he was going to top himself, he was that low. She did her best to completely shaft him in the divorce, and to be honest, she's still trying to do it now, despite the fact she's shacked up with the rich doctor she left him for. Doesn't sound like a happy story does it? Well, he's now happier than he's evere been. He does what he likes, goes out when he likes, sleeps with whoever he likes, goes on holiday when he likes, and nobody tells him not to. All his friends have been very supportive, and he's come back from being as low as I've ever seen anyone get, to being one of the most content people you'll ever meet.

All it takes is a bit of time.

Just wanted to add best wishes to those above
You may have read my "relationship advice" post before Christmas where an out of the blue dumping happened to me. In that case it was only after a short time, albeit with someone I had made a real connection with, so you must be feeling pretty awful. What I would say is that after a few months, things are getting easier for me. With the length of your relationship it will take longer but if she's sure it's over, and you are as well, then move on. Throw yourself into activities you enjoy - such as MTBing - but also make sure you do things that involve other people rather than solitary activities. If you do feel yourself lapsing into serious depression, then seek professional help, don't let it take over your life. Good luck I know that you're feeling s**t at the moment, but this will pass with time, and a new and better direction in your life may be revealed as a result.

Sorry to hear that
options are talk to her and then accept and move on sadly
The only thing I found you can escape with is your self respect that is all you control now. It will make you miserable to try and hold on to something that is lost you need to accept the new reality (however hard) and embrace it for the opportunites (you cant see yet) it will afford you.It will be tough but it will get better.
I am a bit far away (Chorley) but if you need a day away give me a shout and I wil treat you to a bike ride and a Vegan feast
Good luck & best wishes

Please tell me you made her kip on the couch.

Sorry to hear that

Not (yet) happened to me but close friend of mine was divorced, right out of the blue, when he was 40. 2 kids, 15 or so years married. As someone else said, was worried for a bit that he might go RIGHT off on one - he was coming out with some very weird stuff; she really hurt him.

5 years on, he's happier than I can remember him being. Not because he's rid of his ex (though she was ****g horrible to him when it happened) but I think he's worked out a better idea of what really matters in his life. Took a while though.

All the best

(and stay off the booze, I'd suggest)

Spend time with your mates and go riding as often as you can with them.

I find going for a ride and having a good chat with my mates always help put things in perspective. [b]Especially[/b] when problems with the opposite sex are involved!

Shame, No advice from me really, never been in a LTR so can't help.

Keep doing things you enjoy , and move on. Maybe with the recession the drop in house prices might mean something can be purchaced.

If you get really stuck , and I mean really stuck for somewhere , My bro lives in Gatley. He might be able to put you up if I ask him nicely.
There is a garage, already with 4 bikes in it ( 2 with engines) parking, some storage space. I take it you are house trained and wont walk muddy boots in , wash bikes in the bath etc. He has rented out 2 rooms before, but they are both empty atm.

Being single does have its advantages, you can ride where and when you want . Summer is nearly here , its a few weeks away, maybe thats Her thinking , New Year , New begining etc, just unfortunate you are on the receiving end.

Good Luck

hmmm, i did 20 years, 8 of them married (i was 38 at the time) before she decided out of the blue she didn't want to be with me, nice. anyway was devastated at first but it's a cliche that you will hear load,s 'time heals etc etc' and at the time if i'd been told that i'd have punched the speaker, but the thing is..it's bang on, 3 years later i've had 36 months of fun, enjoying myself and the future looks rosey so the only thing i can say is hang in there, get through the dark days, use your friends (you'll find out who they really are pretty quickly) and all will be well, trust me 40yo is fine to take a new direction

I feel for you xherbivorex.
Similar thing happened to me 6 or so years ago. Sometimes these things happen for the better. At 1st you can't look forward or see any end in sight of your misery, but as all have said, time is the great healer, things will get better.
My best advice is talk to people, surround yourself with your friends, family and those closest to you.
For me, even though I wouldn't have thought it, my break up was one of the best things to happen to me in years, as afterwards when the all the dust had settled, my life changed dramatically and for the better. New job, lots of riding, lots of time to do my things, switched jobs, then switched to a different country!
Chin up and think forwards rather than dwelling on what could have been.
All the best.

some great words of advice there- particularly from rocketdog and davy

I can't add any more other than hang in there - it will get easier...

xherbivorex. I can begin to relate to how you are feeling... my girlfriend of about 4yrs or so and I split up just before xmas. I knew she wasn't happy for a while before then, but, if I'm being completely honest, neither was I. It has still been a horrible month and some days I'm not sure which way to turn... but things have got much, much better. And I am now feeling really positive about the forthcoming year. I've made lots and lots of plans and looking forward to doing a few new things.

R.e. your flat. I was in a similar position, and called my landlady. She was v sympathetic and was keen to keep me on as a tennant, particularly in the current climate. So, she actually offered me a pretty sizeable rent reduction to stay on for at least 6 months. It feels a bit strange living in "our" house, but I'm enjoying having some extra space, and slowly turning it into "my house". You've got nothing to loose by asking the question...

been there before, cut ties and move on is the only advice I can give. It will get better. Then go out, get drunk and sleep with (lots of) other women

Some pretty good advice on here, has happened a couple of times, the last one came completely out of the blue after 5 years togeather.
My best advice is gather your mates round you- you'll need them, and try and keep off the drink!
Good luck mate

thanks for the replies.
keeping off the drink will be easy; i havent touched a drop in 20 years and i'm not about to start now.
i'll talk to my landlord about the rent. my dad said he'd help me if i was struggling, which i don't want or expect him to do, but before this bombshell i had been making plans to get some IT certification to make me more employable in my field, however with this now there's not much chance i'll be able to afford the courses/exams.
so i'll be stuck in a dull desktop support role in a company that can't/won't spend money upgrading the estate, meaning i get left further and further behind by the real world.
maybe i should consider a complete change, but to be honest i wouldn't know where to begin.
i'm just left here in a huge mess and it's the worst feeling i've ever known.

Deal with one thing at a time.
1) Practical stuff... you need somewhere to live
2) Take some time to get over the relationship - or least don't put pressure on yourself to solve everything in one go
3) Work isn't everything... make sure you take time out (weekends and evenings, not quit your job) and do some things for you. Go see the films that your girlfriend didn't like, go ride your bike more. Enter a race, commit to some serious training. Arrange to go for a ride up in Scotland in a couple of weeks time. Road trip with mates is a great way of taking your mind off things. Or, if no one is around, I'm sure there are plenty of STWers around to show you a new area.
4) Once you begin feeling more like yourself again, refocus on the other things that are important. Job being one of them. Look into financial support and "professional development" loans once you have decided what route you want to take.

...

or say "f@@k it", sell everything you own and travel to your preferred destination in the world. See what happens...

xherbivorex

If you are looking to get away and you're travelling to Wales give me a shout - I'm closest to Nant-y - Arian and Brechfa

you will get over this, its natural to feel the way you do but (without being patronising) you will get over it, in time

all the best

re training courses, lots of Gov. bodies give grants/loans for that sort of thing, might be worth looking into?

About a decade ago I lost my whole parental family, an event happened led by one of them and as a consequence none of us are really in contact with any of the others - which was all totally unexpected and a huge shock. A while after I moved in with boyfriend/partner, after a couple of years I found out he was more committed to his ex than to me. He told me I would never matter as much as her. I found someone else (the love of my life), he ran into harrowing personal problems and our lives were hell for 2 years as I helped see him through it. As soon as things got better for him, he too left me but only after having told me he had never loved me at all, ever. I stopped dating after that and have no one now. All pretty bad, and I came near to a breakdown and other bad stuff to the point of the doc offering to sign me off work. Point is, that I look back on all this awful awful stuff and now feel glad a lot of it happened. My family relationships were very undermining and if I am honest I feel better now I am no longer trashed by them. I still bump into the love of my life as he lives near by and realise that if we had stayed togeather he would have made my life hell long term. I cant describe how bad I felt in the last decade, or how low my self esteem got or how rubbish I felt other people saw me as. But the point is, I am still glad most of it happened now as if it had not, things would have been way worse for me long term and I feel better about who I am now than when I was surrounded by people who only pretended to care. You will do ok, however low you feel now. It will get better. After a while you will be able to look back and maybe see positive stuff that you cannot see right now, or cannot yet believe is acutally there. You too might be able to feel glad (I never thought I would!)things changed even if it feels utterly awful at the time of change. And dont give up on women, some of us are faithful and loyal and feel just as let down by people as you do. All darkeness has light in the distance, its just managing to stick it out till you arrive there. Have faith in yourself, you will do OK.

To be frank, you have talked to Frank right? I bet there are a lot of people wishing the same had happened to them, it's better to find out now, assuming no kids are involved, then to be in the situation when you have fewer choices.

Make the most of it, live a little & ask Midnighthour out for a date, get it on, & if you have regrets in the morning then blame the lack of drink for the previous nights exploits.

Chin chin.

Best of luck to you.
Can't believe there have been so many open and honest replies from people with similar experiences.
It's a bit worrying that nobody has suggested anything to do with shoes or shagging her sister/mum/gran, this place is going to the dogs...

Bike, up Rivvi (close to Manchester so no excuse not to), stop, sit down, smoke, look at the view, bike, wheeeeeeeeeee...... home, sorted!

Good luck to you.

I agree with MARKENDURO...........sister definitely, mum maybe, but keep away from gran tho.

And remember that there's nothing better than the touch of a new woman to make you forget ohhhhhhhhhhhh so easily!!

Get out there and enjoy while you can

break ups suck very very badly and you have my heartfelt sympathy. ride drink shag sleep ride drink shag sleep . repeat until symptoms desist. good luck mate.

Best of luck mr cross herbivor

Was in a similar situation 6 years ago. Was very down as i blamed myself and apart from work, pretty much cut myself off from the world.

It will get better, and take time. The only advice i could offer is to keep in touch with all your friends and if you get offerd out then go, even if you don't want to!

Oh, and if it is final then as has previously been said, look out for number one as you really dont get points for being nice.

It's a bit worrying that nobody has suggested anything to do with shoes or shagging her sister/mum/gran, this place is going to the dogs...

Time and a place my man, time and a place.....

Some great advice and really helpful posts.

The only thing I would suggest is to try and set some medium term goals for stuff that you have always wanted to do but for some reason never gotten around to it. Something like doing a 24 hour ride, leaning to scuba dive. As others have said things will get easier over time. I found that having a goal - (mine was to do a marathon) helped me keep things in perspective and gave me something to focus on rather than always dwelling on the past.

heres my shallow response

you are now single
you can do all the things she never wanted you to do
you can go and chat up any girl you like
you can go biking when you like
you will find someone else have all the fun of flirting, dating, with girls who will try really hard, give you lots of blow jobs, not fart in your presence and eventualy setlle down with someone better coz u r that much wiser

Sorry to here your news.
Bet all the advice about going out drinking and cavorting are REALLY helpful. Had a similar thing 7 or 8 years ago, messed me up for a bit, but new family now.
Some pretty decent advice on here (except boozing obviously).
If you're in the south at all, let me know 'cause there's plenty of good riding down here, i need updating on the music scene (guessing by the user name) and my missus can knock up some decent veggie grub.

thanks.
one problem is that my household income has noe been halved, meaning that i pretty much can't afford to go out ever. i think i can barely afford to cover rent and bills. i'm pretty much screwed.

I think you need to seperate these problems.
1. you've split up with your gilfriend. It may be right to try and get back together, it may not be.
2. You need to sort out your financial situation. Have a look round on the net at rental prices. Rents are falling so you ma be able to afford more than you think.

in any case, getting back together with your girlfriend purely so you can afford the rent clearly isn't an option. Remember they'll be lots of people earning less than you and living happy lives etc.

Xherb
Keep your sh*t together mate; y'know how it works with depression.
Spend as much time as possible with friendly faces. You are worthwhile: the reason why all these people have made the effort to reply supportively to your post.
It will work out.
Good luck

thanks mate.
my riding buddy came round last night and that was good, we chatted about stuff. he's gonna help me out with increasing my skillset workwise (IT stuff, he bluffed his way into an SQL DBA role having zero experience of it beforehand so i reckon i can pick it up pretty easily too) and we also talked semi-seriously about opening our own bike shop...

i just lost the best friend i ever had, and i don't have the slightest idea why. i've done everything for her; supported her through years and years of serious depression. i had absolutely no idea she was going to drop this on me.

Perhaps the answer lives in the above sentance, shit happens , all you can do is try not stepping into it.

Pretty much the same thing happened to me in October (been on and off for over 20 years, together for >12 this last tome ). I feel pretty much the same. Like I've just wasted my life.

The only way I've been able to keep going is by being active.

I mostly walk. Miles and miles, it doesn't matter where.

Ride my bike.

Good luck mate.

nothings a waste of time except doing nothing.

You've not spent the last few years dig nohing, so they've not been wasted, now make the most of the coming months and dont waste them either!

Like I've just wasted my life.

I find that an odd statement - do you predicate the whole of your life on some future time ? I think each day counts for itself, how it feels at the time. You may find out something later that changes your attitude in retrospect, but that doesn't actually change how it had been.

Looking back, I can see that I should have got out of my marriage several years before I did - but at the time love and being with the children seemed more important than anything else

Please try & look for some positives out of this, if you can't find any then it will always be a downward spiral, for a while at least. You haven't said where you live, but if you want to meet up in herts then I'll buy you a pint (of lemonade obviously), my shout.
If you want clean living, then I fear your in the grip of Mr Barnes, god help you.
Seriously, try & look for the upside, it could have been a lot worse, so be thankful of that & build from there.

Cheers.

i'm in manchester.
whilst nothing has changed, we've talked a bit today and i feel a bit better about it. we will still be friends; no point in being an arse just for the sake of it. it'll only make things more difficult and it won't make me any happier.
we're just gonna move forward and take things as they come. see how it all turns out. if anything, it's given me the impetus to actually take steps to further my career (get some IT certification, get more £££, get cytech stuff and seriously look into opening a bike shop)...

If you want clean living, then I fear your in the grip of Mr Barnes, god help you.

I can't work out what this means - but I suffered depression for decades, and now I'm a happy person :o)

Work it out Simon, your not exactly know for being a bag of laughs are you.

:shakes head:

I mostly walk. Miles and miles, it doesn't matter where.

xherb' pleased to see you seam to be a bit more positive today, but now Im worried about iseeadarkness.

😀 😀 😀 😀 devastated your hav'n a laugh **** party on
no more where you going,when you back,you cant leave that there, your one of the lucky ones

iseeadarkness
same to you also, if you're near Wales I can meet up for a ride or walk
I suffered a break up in November, and its always good to meet new people

Work it out Simon, your not exactly know for being a bag of laughs are you.

in which case the "known" is completely wrong :o)

does anyone understand what [b]roundwheels[/b] put ?

simon you must be single

simon you must be single

oh, I see! There were some missing quotation marks! Now it makes more sense 🙂 I've been married twice but never had [b]those[/b] things said to me...

Simon, I'm not surprised by your last post, but I don't think this thread is about you... 😉

xherbivorex, you know I'm in south Manchester and I'm always up for a mooch around Chorlton-way.

Sorry to hear that xherbivorex.

Re the rent etc, how about a lodger?

Probably not the best thing to say, but just one thing to remind you, that although you are obviously very attached to the house and would love to stay there, at the end of the day, it's just a house and it's not worth making life so hard for yourself to stay there. As soon as we get over attached to material things, we make life much harder for ourselves and our happiness suffers.

[i]mrsflash - Member

Sorry to hear that xherbivorex.

Re the rent etc, how about a lodger?[/i]

I read that as rent a todger. Sheesh, darn my soddin mind.

As Traildog says. I'd move out and rent a flat somewhere or better still houseshare. Get away from the place as I imagine it feels somehow empty at the moment. A fresh start.

xherbivorex this is all about being positive, you had the guts/honesty to share your pain on the forum so that shows all is not lost. The trick is to doing something that refocuses you. You really must banish the " I feel worthless" thinking its so destructive and ultimately self fulfilling.

Every single thing about your future is in your control, it really is and you must find your own way of understanding this,I'm not saying you should not feel pissed off, feeling pissed off and down is a natural reaction but that should only last for a relatively short period of time and then you should refocus and move on with a sense of purpose and energy.

The best way to be mental sharp is to maintain a healthy life style, thankfully every day the weather is improving and with the change of weather should come a change of fortune, just remember to be positive and remind yourself of all the good stuff that yet to come your way, take care and go for it.

thankfully every day the weather is improving

if you'll pardon me, even this is symptomatic of negative thinking. The weather [b]changes[/b]. Winter isn't worse, it's just different and colder - enjoy the diversity :o)

xherbivorex,

My girlfriend binned me last week. Whilst we were only together for 18months (so I'd never compare it to your 9 years), we had a ball. I took on her 2 sons, got them into mountain biking, took them camping (they'd never been).. The whole nine yards...

Thankfully, I'm a philosophical one and we're cool anyway, there's no agro or malice (and no 3rd person), but it still hurts... She now think I don't care, because I went out with mates for a few quiet ones last week...

Anyway, I digress. I feel for you, buddy... The STW collective will keep you going. If you're anywhere near the Wirral, drop a line, e-mail in profile.

Keep it together, it can only get better...

Rob.

well i've got my hands on an old laptop and i'm in the process of doing my first ubuntu install on it, with a view to learning how to use that.
also i discussed learning SQL with my boss so that i can diversify, and since my current job pretty much covers all the A+ certification requirements then i'm gonna sit the exams and get certified...
so that'll be a means of having an income secured (as much as anyone could claim that in the current economic climate i suppose), so i'll have my rent and bills covered.
spoke to her a couple of times over the last couple of days- she's viewing a couple of flats nearby later today as she doesn't want to move away from the area but she just wants to live on her own.
i'm taking things as they come, but i won't allow her to take advantage or anything. she wants to remain friends as she says she's not planning on entering into any other relationships at all, she just needs some alone time to figure out who she is. fair enough.
so, we'll see. it's not going to be easy though.

I would echo a lot of the above for staying positive, setting goals (not just work/income related). re-evaluating your situation etc etc. All good stuff.

Personally, I don't think staying friends with an ex is a good thing. I guess it depends on who you are, but by maintaining contact with them you can slow down the process of moving on, and you may find yourself getting hurt more often as you are reminded of the good times, or if she starts another relationship. I think a clean break is better and just move on. There's nothing to stop you from getting in touch in a year or more when the dust has settled. It might be tempting to still hang out with her, after all there's a mutual moral support and company, but you may end up just doing it in the hope that you'll get back together... But that's just my experience; only you know what you're comfortable with.

xhx - sorry to hear about this, my man.

Having had nearly the same happen to me at 10 years (we held on - seems to be working out 2.5 years on), I came to understand the value of speaking to one's partner, to understand what makes them feel so desparate to leave the relationship.

You have clearly been doing this, which in my view is good. But be careful that, if there really is no winning each other round, that you don't flog a dead horse (sorry, poor taste - you're vegan). You both need to understand where you stand, and you both need to maintain your sense of pride and self-worth.

then you need to step back. Just stop and think about what actually is (not what might have been) and say "OK, here I am. This is what I need to do for me, for my sense of self-worth". You've started that on the job front, but you also need to deal with it really practically on the housing and financial front.

A place you like living is important (one of the reason's why me and Mrs North nearly split up - we owned an expensive house we couldn't afford to decorate or make our own; it felt like living in a dormitory), but accepting that you need to think differently about your needs and priorities is something you now need to consider.

Don't try to think and deal with all of these things at once, no matter how satisfying the effect of taking your mind off the reason why you've ended up as you are. Think about each problem separately (work, housing, money) and consider (on as much of an arms' length basis that you can) how you might make small steps to change each in the right direction. Every time you achieve one of those small goals, you're a step closer to getting your self-worth back.

Good luck!

Tom

Well Xherb from one Vegan to another i'm sorry this situation has landed on you, I went through the same this time last year after 13 years together, I was really worried..at 40 that i would never find another Fitness mad Vegan...but as luck would have it I have...And its quite strange cos we live 50 yards away from the Ex and our son and everybody gets on great, we're all best of friends...a year ago i didn't think it would happen...but time will sort things out and remember you are the special person..and someone out there will find the way you live your life irresistible..you will be a good catch .....
Best of luck
Anthony

The STW collective will keep you going

whilst the collective group hug scenario is obviously well intentioned, I think it is at least partly misdirected, because it encourages dependency. What I learned in overcoming depression is that it's best to learn to rely on your own resources - no one has more time for you than you do yourself, and other people have their own lives to attend to. Sympathy is all very well, but 'help' in the form of attention is a distraction from sorting the depressive mindset

i've done everything for her; supported her through years and years of serious depression

I've not read all of this. I think, from my limited understanding of depression and its treatment that there must be a very big risk of a supportive partner being let go as soon as someone feels better. If someone has felt miserable for years they will probably have been in the mindset that they are unhappy because they deserve to be, they can't do any better etc etc. As soon as the depression lifts and you realise you ahve options and aren't trapped there must be a huge temptation to jettison the people associated with feeling bad.

Good luck anyhow.

Jon

As soon as the depression lifts and you realise you ahve options and aren't trapped there must be a huge temptation to jettison the people associated with feeling bad.

only if they're [b]partially[/b] cured and still clinging to dysfunctional thinking modes 🙁

Simon, would you mind PM'ing me if you've got a mo?

jonDOTrollasonAThotmailDOTcoDOTuk

Much obliged.