MegaSack DRAW - This year's winner is user - rgwb
We will be in touch
Sought to take my daughter away for a couple of nights during her half-term weekend over 13th-15th Feb.
I asked the question two weeks ago.
The location is four hours drive away, in the north east Highlands.
Was told tonight that she decided against me taking her, for two reasons:
1) eight hours in a car (two-way trip) is too long a journey for daughter to cope with over a three day window - she's five and a half!
2) the weather.....it might be bad
I mean c'mon...the weather??? It's over a week and a half away. How could she possibly worry about the weather now? Fair enough if nearer the proposed departure date the forecast is very bad - then I'd call off. But now?
As for the journey time....would anyone else think two four-hour journeys (each of which could be broken with activity stops with no bother) in the space of three days is too much for a normal, healthy five year old?
Oh, and she threw in a 'sleepover at a friend's house' for the night of the proposed return date, which she never mentioned at the time when the question was asked, and I reckon was arranged subsequently.
The woman's got control issues.
Would I be justified in controlling the maintenance money I give, which is well over CMO suggestions?
Aaargh.
Sorry for landing it on you, guys, but I need to get some advice, and going to the pub is NOT a wise option.
Cheers
You know you should be sorting this out with her, not us, right?
Sounds crap
What does the kid want?
And dont fiddle with the cash on the spur of the moment
Only deal with that through a lawyer
Good luck
The journey clearly isn't unreasonable.
That's about all anyone here can give you I'm afraid.
tell her I said she was being unreasonable
she's an ex, unreasonable is her role in life
tell her you're going somewhere closer and go anyway?
doesn't sound reasonable; does sound typical 😐
On the money point maintenance and contact are two separate issues no matter how provoked do not play games with the cash.
On the car trip, I was used to eight hour trips when I was that age . I cant see that 4 hours is an issue it is only an excuse.
You have about 6 or 7 more years of this to come always play Mr reasonable and always walk away from a row . When ever you have an agreed plan tell your daughter straight away and make sure you are never the one to let her down . The end result will be that your Ex will either have to grow up and let you do your part and allow you your time or have to face a disappointed complaining daughter.
Tell her that my brother and his wife have just taken a 4year old and a 2 month old to South Africa on holiday, involving a 7hr flight, on 8hr layover and another 9hr flight just to get there. Then see what she thinks about a 4hr car journey...
Yes, thanks Nick, but I was just wondering if other folk thought her reasoning was, well, a little weak, that was all.
play the game - just agree to not go. ask for a trip at easter instead. more notice less chance to weasel out of it?
4 hours doesn't seem like a long trip. especially as you say if you stop/ eat/ plan it so your daughters aslepp/ whatever on the way.
4 hours in a car is alot for a 5year old. That said, its easy enough to stop and break it up.
4 hours in a car is alot for a 5year old.
? It really isn't that bad. I was doing 6-7 hour car journeys 4-6 times a year from the age of 2 as that's how we went on family holidays. Naturally there was a stop for half an hour in the middle, for a loo break and nibbles but I'm sure Mike is aware of the need to stop lol. They were the best holidays ever.
Her answers are just a mild version of "No". Any other options you propose will meet with the same answer.
kids fall asleep in cars and can be easily entertained, as well as breaking up the journey. Bad weather? There might be an earthquake, volcano, firestorm. I feel for you, have a friend going through exactly the same.
Yes her reasoning is weak - she's an ex
(if she's like my ex if you do get away she will then phone halfway thru' the hol demand to speak to the kids offer them some incentive and then create about how they're unhappy, need to come home etc....)
but you can't mess with the money! Just keep a log of all the unreasonableness so you have proof if it has to go to court.
It is an akward one as you want to play fair but it doesn;t really balance out when she doesn't does it?
I would plan a trip at Easter as mentioned and tell her you'll taken her for 4 or 5 days if she thinks its too much travelling for 3 days.
Tell her you'll have her on the planned days anyway and just do something locally with her and that you'll drop her off / collect her from her sleep over. This way you still get your time with your Daughter, which is the most important thing afterall
I have taken my kids on a journey of that length on about 8 occasions or so still only 3 & 4 now. Get a dvd for the car and let them watch films stop after one film. Play food etc - really is easy. They can now do 2-3 hours without DVD playing I spy and spotting different coloured cars.
Ex being unreasonable and possibly has control issues.
Not sure re maintenance but it is unlikely to make her more reasonable. I would try negotiating with her over what she thought was acceptable and say you agreed it was too much over a short period and at Easter you were going for a week.
Your ex cant get mor ethan csa rates via court anyway IIRC - 15% for one , 20% for two - she gets only £20 per week if on benefits[you still pay the whole amount] so you may ahve some serious financial leverage if you choose to use /abuse this
i discuss and agree holiday time with mum in advance.
what you do with the child in that time slot is, in theory, none of the partners business (to a point).
but we try to keep it amicable so i might have it easy.
if mum wants to control you take this one on the chin (but defo have the nipper for the previously agreed time slot - dont back down as its YOUR kid too - this is presuming mum had already agreed to it) and change tactics for future breaks.
if its a recent break up it will get easier with time as you both get used to the situation. and try to bite your tounge. its very hard and i wouldnt like to go through it again.
I suppose it depends what the kid is like.
But 4 hours does seem like quite a long time to me.
Especially if your driving and their is no one in the back with the kid.
I do remember being one of them kids who'd always ask are we nearly there yet and found it quite difficult to sit still.
However as people say them portable DVD player now exist.
She's just exerting control, 'cos she can. She'll do this less over time as you all get used to the new situation (though new partners on either side can often lead to more difficulties, for example there'll be some spurious reason why you can't go on holiday to some place when the real reason is because your new partner will be there).
Hey,
Thank you all so much for your words.
Original post was made whilst still in a minor rage, but with the benefit of time and the responses.....they have helped me step back and take a deep breath and think that it will be better to accept her decision (albeit begrudgingly); inquire of her an acceptable long journey layover; put in a request for Easter (when, I have a feeling, she'll have no issues in taking the wee one down to Stockport to visit her side of the family - a three hour trip at least), and hope for the best!
The split happened in July/August, so could be considered by some as fairly recent.
As for new partners, there are none on either side as yet, or, at least, none who would be introduced to our child as a new 'friend'.
This info is supplied on a contextual basis.
Thanks again
Normal woman + Dvorce + kids = mad cow disease.