Forum menu
Theres a great book on just tis subject. Well worth a read...
[img] 
[/img]
it asks the question whether you actually 'like' your mates, or whether you still knock about together through habit. Its very funny.
I was in quite a tight but large sixth form mates group, boys and girls. Still 'friends' with all of them, but that friendship ranges from "vaguely aware of what they're up to via FaceBook" to "speak regularly-ish, get together every six months or so".
All of them though, even though I've not seen some of them for 10+ years, I'm pretty sure I could spend a weekend with and have a really good time. Some of them I don't see as much as I'd like to, the fault being mainly geography/apathy.
My two bezzies from the age of about 14/15 are still pretty much my two bezzies now, and they hang round on here occasionally...
Explain the gif.
Wasn't me, so I'm massively presuming, but I had a similar reaction to your post so I'll tell you why I might have, if gifs were my thing, which they aren't:
Many people who are gay aren't massively keen on being defined by it - they might be a man who's gay, a father who's gay, a gay mountain biking particle physicist or a gay prisoner of conscience, being gay is one of many things that might describe a person, they aren't the whole description or definition of who they are.
Perhaps your ex-friend simply doesn't want to be mates with people who only think of him as "a gay"?
BTW: It's "Coming Out Day" today (no, really)
[url= http://www.youngstonewall.org.uk/get-support/coming-out-lgbt ]http://www.youngstonewall.org.uk/get-support/coming-out-lgbt[/url]
Seriously? You couldn't see it as a very short-hand way of describing his behaviour, that frankly is bizarre, and seems to be somebody looking to find offence. I'm not going to go into details of his life but he's certainly not an ex-friend.
Nope - not one and quite happy keeping it that way.
There isn't a single person from school, home town, etc that I have the slightest desire to even know if they're alive let alone be in contact with.
My circle of friends has come about from serving, climbing, biking, etc and many are closer than family.
In fact I'd turn to some of them before family.
There's a reason I moved away and I'm keeping it that way.
Dunno, then, why don't you ask him how he feels about gay people being described as "gays" and find out?
Offence isn't about whether you intended it, it's about how it's received.
If you think it's contrived, ask yourself whether you'd describe people of African-Caribbean origin as "blacks"?
I see one of my school friends in a business capacity, but we aren't friends and don't socialise. The rest... I can't remember most of them - it was 30+ years ago!
On a slightly different tack - has anyone just dropped out of their current group of friends?
We just seem to be bored or frustrated now when we get together. We've known most of them 15+ years and it used to be a right laugh, up till 2 in the morning chatting and drinking. But the dynamic has changed and it feels very dull now, but we still go along to socials because it's what we do!
We're thinking of becoming hermits! 😀
Yeah, I'm 41 and I still consider my friends from primary school, secondary school, uni, and graduate job to be my "best friends", even though these days we are all spread out a fair bit and only meet up a few times a year.
Interesting. I am still in touch with several mates from school and college, one or two going back near enough 40 years! Not so much the ones from uni though, although we still communicate via Facebook. Various others from different jobs, work situations, etc. I could probably go out every night of the week with different people, as so many of them don't live too far away. So I consider myself very fortunate indeed, to have continued positive relationships with such a relatively large number of people. Many aren't so lucky, and many people are actually very lonely. Which is why it's important to maintain friendships.
Old girlfriends; I was thinking just recently, that there's really only one or two that I would actually like to see again, the others, I'm just not bothered about at all. Which is a little strange considering the depth of those relationships. One, I feel I could easily just be mates with (if I wasn't with my wife, she'd be the only other one I'd really want to spend my life with I think), and another, she was really lovely, and I truly wish her every happiness in life. But I think some relationships, you need to just cut ties and move on in separate directions.
Most of what I'd call my closest friends I've been friends with since playschool/infant/junior school so 34 years or so.
Of course many friends from school also grew up to be arseholes.
On a slightly different tack - has anyone just dropped out of their current group of friends?We just seem to be bored or frustrated now when we get together. We've known most of them 15+ years and it used to be a right laugh, up till 2 in the morning chatting and drinking. But the dynamic has changed and it feels very dull now, but we still go along to socials because it's what we do!
We're thinking of becoming hermits!
Is that just being middle aged?
I'm lucky. Still have several friends from 10 years of age and more from 12. We fell together and luckily have remained compatible but very different! Have a lot of varied friends from my early 20's onwards and onwards too. Only 1 person I've stayed in contact with from uni though and that has become intermittent.
Not in contact with anyone from my school or 6th form days.
My earliest current friends are from Uni days. Meet up with a couple of the guys a few times a year, walking trips and such usually. Also in contact with a few others and occasionally meet up with some or just facebook with others.
My best mate I met through work in my early 20's. Known him about 20 years now. Don't get together as often as we'd like since we both moved away, life and kids just seem to get in the way. When we do meet up it's that immediate connection as if we've only just seen each other yesterday.
I have moved around the country a bit since school which doesn't help with maintaining friendships, but to be honest I am just crap at keeping in touch with people. Something I'm trying to remedy and make the effort to contact friends I've not spoken to in a while.
In fact this thread has prompted me to go contact a couple friends now.
School friends - no-one. I was the one everyone bullied so I have no interest in contacting anyone from that time, despite loads of them bizarrely 'friend requesting' me on facebook all the time.
Pretty much the same story here, for reasons regular readers will probably be able to work out. I had three mates at school; one disappeared off the face of the earth when we went to college, one I fell out with in the 90s (he swung a punch at my girlfriend then did one and I've not seen him since), one I'm still best mates with.
Most of my friends these days are from college / uni days. I don't see most of them as often as I'd like, but I can go six months or more without seeing them and when we do get together it's like we've never been apart. These are true friends.
it asks the question whether you actually 'like' your mates, or whether you still knock about together through habit.
I think when you're young your friends are broadly out of circumstance, kinda like family. Kids who live near you or share classes with you, and in my case, kids who will actually talk to you and spend time with you. As you get older, you choose to spend time with people you actually like. It was a revelation the day I realised that life's too short to spend it in the company of toxic assholes.
Is that just being middle aged?
Probably!
Old girlfriends; I was thinking just recently, that there's really only one or two that I would actually like to see again, the others, I'm just not bothered about at all. Which is a little strange considering the depth of those relationships. One, I feel I could easily just be mates with (if I wasn't with my wife, she'd be the only other one I'd really want to spend my life with I think), and another, she was really lovely, and I truly wish her every happiness in life. But I think some relationships, you need to just cut ties and move on in separate directions.
It's always amazed me how people can go from being in love to hating each other (I'm thinking of really nasty break-ups and divorces here). Of my exes, there's only one that I really wouldn't want to see again, the rest I either still consider good friends or am no longer in touch with but there's no ill feelings.
Maybe it's down to quality control in choosing partners in the first place? (-:
On a slightly different tack - has anyone just dropped out of their current group of friends?
Yep, the ones who became all kid-focussed after breeding. No longer have anything in common with them so we don't socialise anymore, not even popping round for a chat. Got fed up of trying to arrange something like an afternoon visit with them to only get told that they were too busy looking after the kids only to find pictures of them with other friends (with and without their kids) in a cafe or park. No hard feelings or anything but I've just moved on and if they want to get in contact they will.
It's always amazed me how people can go from being in love to hating each other (I'm thinking of really nasty break-ups and divorces here). Of my exes, there's only one that I really wouldn't want to see again, the rest I either still consider good friends or am no longer in touch with but there's no ill feelings.
This. When the previous MrsIHN and I split up, we'd seen other splits that had turned really pettily nasty, and were determined that that wouldn't happen. It was all completely amicable (if still pretty awful).
We aren't really in touch any more though, other than texts on birthdays/Christmas. Weirdly though, for proper significant life events (like subsequent marriage on my part and pregnancies on hers), we made sure that they were one of the first to know, just felt that they shouldn't hear it on the grapevine.
Still meet up with my school friends every couple of months, 15 years on. I'm closer to a couple now than I was at school, and more distant with a couple, but there's 5 or 6 of us who still get on famously. I like all of them. I don't see a single person I was at uni with, mind.
milky1980 - Member
Yep, the ones who became all kid-focussed after breeding. No longer have anything in common with them so we don't socialise anymore, not even popping round for a chat. Got fed up of trying to arrange something like an afternoon visit
That is the one thing we're desperate to avoid when become parents. So many people seem to go insane about putting kids first. dont think its healthy for the child anyway. Again the southern europeans seem to be beter at just carrying on but with an extra mini-person.
Still count school friends as 'friends,' in so much as I have no reason not to, but havent seen them for years and if facebook didnt exist wouldnt know anything about them.
Pretty much only goes back to Uni for me. Moved away from where I went to school but wasn't really in touch well before that- went to a different 6th form than most of my friends from school and then went travelling before University and that was pretty much the end of that. I suppose I could have made more effort but Wasn't sufficiently bothered at the time, and I can't say I regret it now-the odd person I bump into on trips home only goes to show how you're different people when you're at school!
Again the southern europeans seem to be beter at just carrying on but with an extra mini-person.
Possibly because southern europeans are better at having a massive extended family around to help out?
Personally we have no relatives within 150 miles of our house so palming the kids off to granny for an afternoon is a lot more difficult.
Was more thinking of the just bring the child along mentality, anyway will find out next year!
Report back in two years.
If you have time 😉
no idea. haven't seen any of them in about 25yrs.
I'm still mates with one guy from secondary school so known him 30ish years, sort of in touch with a couple of others through him but they aren't local so don't really see them except every few years. I still see a friend from Primary school now and then (he lives locally) but we've not really cultivated a relationship - we'll say hello but I've not had a drink with him for a lot of years. Most of the people I was at school with I thought were total arses and they thought similarly of me (we were probably all correct) so not something I'm particularly sad about.
I've not stayed in touch with any Uni mates, which is a shame, but there are a couple of ex girlfriends who stayed friends with "the group" and I'm not really encouraged to be in touch with ex girlfriends (fair enough) so that kinda ruled out the "gang" really. One of them (an ex) connected with me, on LinkedIn of all things, a few years ago, but I politely explained that it wasn't going to be an appropriate link, so that was that.
Since marriage and kids, I've found that my social life revolves around activities and then stops when that does - I used to have occasional drinkies with other dads at my son's football, but that stopped when he moved clubs. I follow one of them on twitter if that counts!
A few people I ride mountain bikes with now and then that I seem to have known for a while, but not from childhood by any means, I kinda consider to be friends, but instagram was full of pix of a night out this last weekend for one of their birthdays that I knew nothing about, so I'm probably stretching things to describe it as friendship tbh. Friendly acquaintances I suppose might be more accurate.
On reviewing that lot, I realise that the summary seems to be that I'm an antisocial sod with one friend!
None from my school days, they weren't the happiest days of my life.
A couple from Uni, we still see each other quite a few times a year, although no one from my actual course!
Most of my friends now have come from my interests after Uni, we regularly have lunch / meet up with some triathlon friends despite not having done a tri for about 9 years!
Being quite shy does limit things though, I enjoy time with other people when I am out with them, but the thought of arranging it, and going, makes me incredibly nervous!
Was more thinking of the just bring the child along mentality, anyway will find out next year!
I think it depends on what your shared interests were "pre-kids" - if you're the types that meet up to visit National Trust places and admire the gardens and ruins, great, take the pushchair. If you're all more into going to clubs and gigs and getting off your faces, less successful with young kids...
Theres a great book on just tis subject. Well worth a read...it asks the question whether you actually 'like' your mates, or whether you still knock about together through habit. Its very funny.
Coming from that neck of the woods, its entirely possible that "safety in numbers" was the reason you still knocked about together. 😆
Candodavid - Member
Moved away from where I grew up, couldn't really say I had many friends at school, regularly suffered bullying, I couldn't give a toss if I never heard from anyone at school, worst days of my life in hindsight
This.
I still see a couple of school friends several times a year and I've been to their weddings. They still live near where we grew up so catching up with them is generally part of my trips to see my parents. There's a couple of other ones I'm happy to see but don't see so often. Another one or two dropped off the radar, I didn't make much effort to keep in touch but I wouldn't mind catching up if the opportunity presented itself.
There's only one who at one point I definitely decided I wasn't going to associate with anymore. I ended up seeing them at one of the aforementioned weddings earlier this year. They seemed fine really, but I didn't really feel any inkling to rekindle the friendship beyond chatting at the reception.
Many of the friends I see regularly I met while at university, about 20 years ago.
I'm great at making friends, but poor at keeping them - even the really close ones.
It does annoy me, but I'm 40 now, so haven't seen most school friends for half my life. I have a little-used Facebook account, but regard that as more the graveyard of people I used to know.
In my case, it's mainly been lack of effort, combined with going to university a long way from where we went to school (a boarding school, so no one was local anyway), meeting Mrs North young and becoming a lawyer (I spent 10 years working 60-100 hours a week).
I do occasionally feel nostalgic for what might have been, but then it passes.
Even now, with my adult friends, I'm still pretty poor.
@OMITT - same here
1 friend from school, not seen him for 3 years - he has cxld on me the last twice so I've given up. I just didn't relate to other people at school and the one gang I had ended up quite splintered due to someone who turned out to be a total Fanny®
No friends from college as such - just didn't work very hard at keeping in touch.
Did have very close group of work friends at one time, bunch of young people all working together in a rural location - but since I got divorced keeping in touch has been sporadic at best. I do try and have tried over the years but whilst the female contingent of the group are good at get togethers the male side are definitely not, so I gave up. I now have a regular bunch of riding buddies who are all cocks so at least we all know where we stand there. 😆
'Loving within 20miles'?
Your loving put them off bregante? 8)
I'm Facebook friends with alot of them. Had some great times but time can change people.
My bestmate from 20yrs ago is still my bestmate today.
None from primary school, a few from secondary. Email makes it easier to stay in touch, as does riding bikes, drinking beer and talking utter shit.
Having a child makes a divide.
People who are non breeders don't wanna hangout so much. I cant really take my 2 year old on a day session or leave my wife at home every Fri and sat night with the boy to go drinking. These people remain friends but it's easier socialising with those who can have kids and can be around temper tantrums and see the small pleasures in having 1 pint after going to the park for swings and slides.
Also none of my school friends bar one ride a bike.
I'm probably going to buck the trend here.
My two closet friends from Infant School are still my two closet friends. We'll turn 40 over the next 12 months. There's a couple more of us, less close - lives drifted apart - having a family, moving for work etc - but we still see each other every few months, it's never awkward, it's like we haven't seen each other for a couple of days, not 6 months.
Then we've got 'new' friends, really we're two circles of friends who merged when we went to college - we all went to the same school, but they're a year older than us - we've only been friends 20 odd years.
The thing that keeps us all together is the riding - not everyone makes every weekend, but most people are out a couple of times a month and we all get away down the Alps in the summer together.
Bar one, I don't see my childhood friends any more other than Facebook updates. They all remained or moved back to the small town we grew up in, to get married, have kids etc whereas I stayed in the city and didn't have kids. The only one I keep in touch with is in the same position. The rest are in the 'burbs having polite dinner parties and worrying about school catchment areas whereas
[img] 
[/img]
Met my Two best friends when I was eight (46 years ago) - Went out with them and their wives last weekend. One lives close by one 200 miles away but I could still call either of them at any time to get me out of jail*.
There have been times when I didn't see either of them for a year or more, but we were always close. Now we make the effort to get together somewhere nice at least three times a year - beer, bikes and a high old time.
(*this has only happened once).
Deleted
Gave up on my old school friends, college friends, old work buddies and now completely avoid having friends as I prefer my own company and cant be arsed with other people. I had 3 weeks off in the summer and didnt speak to anyone other than the dog - magic!
Of the friends i had at school(s) or Uni i'd count almost none of them as friends now or even acquaintances. I'm only in contact with two of them via a "spare" facebook page with my old name. I've actually made friends with 3 or 4 people who happened to go to the same secondary school/uni at the same time as me, but i was completely unaware of their existence at the time. Only found out we'd been at the same place later on. Much, much later on in some cases.
Probably doesn't help that i was at at least 5 different schools. Possibly 6.
Peering into most of the ex friends lives via facebook (and the occasional news story) tells me it was probably a good idea to move on when i did. And emigrate, twice. And (eventually) change my name (only once).
recently got back in touch with an old friend from secondary school when he popped up on facebook. Through chatting with him I found out that a chap who was my very best friend at school for many years had actaully died through alcohol and was found by his 12 year old daughter. Pains me that I didn't reach out to him a few years ago and might have been able to talk to him or been a friend if he was low. I have a few primary school friends on FB, one girl was my 'wife' at primary school and we once got married with a ring pull as a ring in her caravan by Karen Hutchinson as the vicar.
I've heard it argued that your best friends shouldn't just be your friends from school. However -- I had difficulty making good friends for a while, though my best friends are - on the whole - the ones I went to primary and secondary school with -- best man, ushers at wedding are still considered my best friends - plus a handful from starting work and biking in Edinburgh (hello @donald). Since moving up here -- good friends as well, through biking, probably not on the whole the ones I'd immediately turn to in a crisis -- isn't that the definition (among others).
Not that many from Uni, interestingly.