[Closed] Dealing with passive aggressive

Could it be that his wife/partner is suffering from post natal depression to some level and he's badibasic showing the signs of compassion fatigue/mental strain from dealing with it? Just a thought, especially if it's got so much worse since the baby was born.

Kid is now a few years old.

But again, he's always had these issues, it's just that they've got much worse.

Thanks for the thoughts though.

I think they're home schooling being large part of it.

Also my compassion has gone because it's always about his issues.

I know you say it’s tricky, but I’d personally be looking for an out. These sorts of things build up over time and are hard to reverse. Based only on what you’ve said a split would be best for both of you. You’d lose the dead weight and they’d have the shock to the system they need.

Is 'passive aggressive' the right term? Sounds more like depressive behaviour to me.

Either way, if there is no prospect of improvement as the kids get older, then maneouvring yourself to dissolve the partnership as amicably as possible might be the right option. Tricky for you to navigate that if he's short of cash, though.

I don't know. He acknowledged his parents as passive aggressive once. And yes he has had various personality issues.

I'm not trying to clinically diagnose him - it's just how I see it.

I've supported him a lot but he's never ever asked how any of my situations are (gf's folks both had cancer last year, I lost a grand parent etc). Normal stuff but he doesn't care.

He's all is partner. She doesn't have a car or job so is not independent too in that respect.

There's definitely some issues from his childhood.

I think I'm done which is shame as we have good work on and the company brand split to figure out etc.

Will see accountant first.

Without knowing more sounds like his partner is perhaps more the core of the current problem and he is more afraid of her than you.

Without trying to sound unkind perhaps the issue is he is pretty weak minded and goes with whatever gives him less short term trouble.

Yep. Some good points.

I like to try and understand what's going on. To see if I can fix it. Clearly I can't.

There has always been a pattern with his partners too. He's always gone with their choices.

He idolises them. He even tried to being her into our business which failed over time.  That was the only time he was enthusiastic.

Anyone split a company before with outstanding directors Loans and assets? 🙂

I don’t think it sounds passive aggressive.  It could be a sign of depression but it could just be he’s lost the will for the Business and wants out, but feels some sort of loyalty (or trapped) and can’t see how to do that without shafting you.

Do you want to stay doing the same thing?  Your options seem to be: 1. Buy out his shares; 2. Sell the whole business.  Either way you’ll need a realistic valuation.  For the first you’ll need (or need to be able to raise) the cash which might be tricky.  If the business is essentially just the two of you it will be difficult to sell for much money, if you’ve got staff, premises, a known brand/reputation, and make profit there are people around who will buy that sort of thing - talk to your accountant, beware of the “we’ll sell your business for you cold calling firms”.

if he is struggling with cash and could sell for an attractive enough number he might jump at it.  If he’s doing sweet fa of value and you are managing to make enough money to pay him then you can probably structure a buy out in such a way that you agree to pay him x per month for y months and he doesn’t have to come to work but still has an income - you need proper advice on that though.

The only other option would depend on your articles/shareholder agreement - basically you’d need to fire him (or more likely get him to resign) but leave him as a shareholder (and possibly a non-exec director but be very cautious about that).

A generalisation, but some of the most creative people I’ve worked with have similar issues.

Is it worth sitting down and talking to him? Especially given that you are thinking of splitting the business; perhaps if he realized what you were thinking it might make him open up to you a bit about his own thoughts.

"Is it worth sitting down and talking to him?"

1000000% this ^

I run a business with a mate who has a lot of family pressure. I get frustrated having to work long hours to make up for it and often feeling I'm carrying the whole show. It came to a head and I sat down and asked him how things were and what he felt about the business. Turns out he's gutted about the home situation but rightly has to prioritise that over the business. Made me feel a lot better personally TBH as instead of resentment to him I now feel I'm helping a mate out. I keep an eye on the long term as I can't carry him forever, but a good old sit down always sorts stuff out a lot better than some independent brooding.

Is it worth sitting down and talking to him? Especially given that you are thinking of splitting the business; perhaps if he realized what you were thinking it might make him open up to you a bit about his own thoughts.

Very much this.

After 25 years you at least owe him a frank conversation before you pull the plug on the business.

Maybe you need to formalise your roles and responsibilities within the business and make it crystal clear what your expectations of each other are.

It's perfectly possible to work with a person and keep your relationship on a purely professional basis. I'm pretty sure that most people are forced to work with arseholes that they can't  stand but still manage to  get the job done.

You don't need to get sucked in to his personal dramas. Just keep it about work.

FWIW I used to have two business partners. One of them developed "issues" and wasn't pulling his weight.  I and my other partner began to analyse and record how much income each of us was bringing to the business,  which highlighted the disparity between us and him. We had an honest discussion and our under-performing partner acknowledged his situation and undertook to turn things around. We monitored things together over a few months but things didn't improve and in the end we amicably agreed that our partner would leave the firm. Not great, but going through that process gave us understanding of the issue and allowed us to part, and remain, friends.

No, I think talking is pointless in this case.

Things have been discussed plenty before.

People are what they do not what they say.  And I fear a discussion will just turn into a short term positive then retract to the 'norm.'

@squirrel.

I've been supporting a 'a mate' for years though.

Where does it end.

I do like your words though they make sense in my head . But esperience tells me I've had enough of going around in circles.

You say he's not pulling his weight, but that you like collaboration.  These two things seem at odds.  Are you (subconsciously even) making excuses / covering for him?

Things have been discussed plenty before.

Discussed in an informal "just passing" way, or an actual formal sit-down meeting?

You say he’s not pulling his weight, but that you like collaboration.  These two things seem at odds.  Are you (subconsciously even) making excuses / covering for him?

Maybe.

What I mean is I've no burning desire to do the work I do on my own. I like working alongside a creative who has discipline.

Not a formal meeting - he probably wouldn't turn up.