[Closed] Dealing with a breakup.

how great she was

She wasn't that great, she's broken your heart hasn't she? In fact, I'd say that makes her a right b***h. I think you need to talk to someone Colin, can you get referred from your GP for some talking therapy?

I have a CBT session tomorrow morning. But talking about this isn't anything to do with CBT.

CBT should help you deal with the thoughts - good luck.

I'm with woody2000 - if she was *that* great you wouldn't feel like you do now.

Focus on the things she used to do that irritated you...

Strangely I have been trying to think of the negatives, but the positives take over.

I haven't exercised in a couple of days either, I know I should try and get out tonight.

I think if you've accepted that its over then you've made a big step.

You're bound to have good days and bad days but try to get out there and do things with other people.

distraction distraction distraction

but as said above you do get crap days

4.5 yrs on from splitting up with my wife I can sometimes spend hours idealising about her

not good - you just let the thoughts go round and round then they go

or she picks / drops our son off and reverts to type and I say "ah that's why"

no going back !

I guess you see what you have "lost" about her. But ask yourself if you ever really "have" another person?

The time, love and joy that people give is a gift and not a lifelong obligation. So what she gave you, you will always have. In time you will value that, without the regret and bitterness you feel now. I can't assure you that all the regret will pass, but what little is left will be bearable and not get in your way.

It's OK, healthy, to be sad and upset when there is cause, but not disproportionately. So try to distinguish between normal grieving activities, and the spiral-like thinking that characterises depression. Be busy and plan to be busy, to bypass the inactivity that allows negative-spiral thinking to emerge. Planning and doing what makes you happy, as often as practical, will make you happy. This is the essence of CBT.

And then you will find that happy people are attractive people.

Good luck

Thanks Buzz.

I do treasure the memories and I try to learn that I should do so. Yes, these feelings that make me anxious are not rational. Thoughts of her being with someone else for example. That is probably the worst of all.

I will try and discuss a plan at CBT in the morning. I have recently dipped my toe back into dating as a distraction which has helped in the very short term but it is just masking everything underneath.

Hi all.

Wasn't sure whether or not updating this would be of interest to anyone. It's now been 3 months for me and things have been good and bad. I still get bad days were I miss her terribly and I have days were everything is going well for me and I can let the thoughts pass by easily. I have been on the dating scene for over a month, however I found this to be a distraction for me initially and I actually felt worse. Nothing has really come of anything so far.

My depression has been difficult. I recently had a very bad spell where I was probably feeling strongest about suicide than I ever have been. My CBT has taken a back seat and my therapist is working on going back over my life to try and help me figure things out. It's been a very tough process.

The positives are that I have managed to stay relatively active, although I have lost touch with my regular riding buddies because I maybe haven't quite been feeling sociable at times.

I guess all in all I have survived and that's the main thing.

Thanks for listening.

one foot in front of the other, keep going!

st colin - Member

although I have lost touch with my regular riding buddies because I maybe haven't quite been feeling sociable at times.

I wouldn't worry too much, when you're ready just speak to them, explain the situation if neccessary, if they're good mates they'll understand, oh, then get them pi$$ed 🙂

It gets better, honest.

One of the guys in the group knows my situation, but I'm not sure that they maybe felt entirely comfortable about it. Hopefully as the weather improves i'll see them more often.

Just get out and join your riding buddies, doesn't matter if they understand or not - importantly, get back to something you previously enjoyed - a positive routine is not a bad thing.

All the best, you have an exciting life ahead of you, you just don't know it yet 🙂

I,m missing someone from my life at the moment so I sort of know how you feel,i,m just doing as above,one foot in front of the other!!! And summer is around the corner so that's a good thing :-).Good luck colin.

Wasn't sure whether or not updating this would be of interest to anyone

St Colin - why do you think they are uncomfortable? Don't forget that you are most likely feeling more sensitive to others too, so if they've had a bad day/wife strife or whatever it be just that. Please try to avoid feeling that people are always reacting to or reading you it won't do you any good.
Chin up buddy! It does get better, having been there and seen that I promise it does get better.

but I'm not sure that they maybe felt entirely comfortable about it

Or they don't want to mither/give you space. I've had a friend in a similar situation- I offered support/said I was there and left it at that as I didn't want him to think I was interfering.

Dating scene/sites would scare me rigid. I imagine there are blokes who don't type 'ugly' like I do and have better looks! I'd be rummaging around the bargain bin of the store if I went on them for sure 😀

I guess I think others maybe know little about depression so they don't know what to say.

I guess I think others maybe know little about depression so they don't know what to say.

Well, hello again. This morning I've decided to update this thread in an attempt to get come clarity on what has been going on.

Recently I have been finding things very difficult. In the last week or so I have moved out of my parents into a rented room not far from where I've been living. I have been seeing a girl for a around a month. So a lot has been happening. But I can't cope with it at the minute. The memories and the feelings from my breakup have been haunting me more and more since I have began seeing this girl. I have felt trapped at home with my parents so I moved out. The location of the new house is great, it's quiet and the house has plenty of space. But I don't feel comfortable there and I've only been there two nights. The house is really dirty too (not students), something that I couldn't really pick up on when I viewed it a week previous.

Anyway, I could go on about everything, but I don't want to bore people. I have lost my place at CBT after missing an appointment and not rebooking. So I don't have any official support.

I really don't know where to turn now. I can't take time off work. I have been putting on a brave face with friends and family, arranging things etc. I'm not in control of my anxiety at all and I don't feel like it's getting better any time soon.

But I don't feel comfortable there and I've only been there two nights.

It won't. It's the shock of the new. Give it time.

The house is really dirty too

Get your Marigolds out then. A few hours mindless busywork will keep you occupied on something constructive. It might make you feel like you've put your stamp on it when you are done, too.

Chin up; it gets better.

I'm not in control of my anxiety at all and I don't feel like it's getting better any time soon

You should see your GP - get the CBT rearranged and see if there is anything else that they can offer to help you regain control.

Yeah, def blitz the house. Something to focus on and will make it feel more like yours.

Hey come on, don't keep looking on the bad side of things, give yourself a stern talking to, pull yourself together and make a big effort to look positive on everything you do. Smile at people, make friendly conversation with people, its a state of mind and it can only come from YOU!

I'm sure its daunting, definitely not easy, but you have to really put some effort into this or you'll sink into the sea of despair. I'm sure most of us have gone through similar situations (I have)and some are better at dealing with it than others, but you can do it if you try. Getting out with you Mates is really important now, as is doing lots of other things with different people. Come on you can do it!

Thanks for the responses.

I have been getting out, seeing people and doing things. But behind all that it's just really tough. It's like I wont let myself get better, I feel I don't deserve to be happy. Something else controls me and I don't know what it is.

As for dealing with my past relationship, I keep allowing myself to relate things and places to that relationship, so when I go out and go somewhere I seem to just think about 'I remember when I was here with her' or 'She used to have something like that'. I know it's ridiculous. This new girl I'm seeing is great and I should be starting to make new memories and have new experiences with her. But I can't seem to let myself do it.

@st_c moving house is always disruptive. You made a positive decision and step in moving out of your parents house, a step to change things and move forward and that's what you are doing. Life is often 1 step back to make 2 forward. You are seeing someone, that's good.

I'm guessing the current housemates are content with the way tings are, ie dirty, as above just do some cleaning yourself and don't ;let it get you down. You may end up doing all the cleaning if the others are just messy but don't let it bother you too much, just clean it the way you like it.

Definitely get the CBT rearranged. You've posted above about how you are not letting yourself be happy, you are clearly self aware enough to see it so get some assistance with working on the solution.

Good luck and keep us posted.

Well you're bloody lucky you've got a new girl, but trust me if you don't get your act together, she won't hang around for long.

I know what you're saying, but you're basically feeling sorry for yourself and its time to pull yourself together and get on with the rest of your life!

I know what you're saying, but you're basically feeling sorry for yourself and its time to pull yourself together and get on with the rest of your life!

If that were only the case. Depression isn't a case of 'pulling yourself together'.

OP - go see your doc. And good luck!

May sound daft, but i think the best thing you could do is print out your sections of this thread and take it your GP, you have probably been able, due to anonymity to say and express things here that you would struggle to do in a 10 minute appointment with GP.

It is clear though that you would benefit from formal treatment, to nag your GP into getting you back to the CBT and take the counsellor a copy of the thread to, again it will save them the first session and will explain a lot to them.

I hope that things improve for you, i have been lucky mentally but my job means i speak to people a lot that have been in traumatic experiences and often referred to CBT and other forms of counselling.

Get out of this rented room asap. Tell the Landlord its not what you expected- its dirty.

Its been 5months. I think its been long enough to mourn a relationship gone and you have been seeing someone else. Why are you dwelling on the past?

Why are allowing yourself to run, literally run you down? You are your own worst enemy it seems. Start looking at the positives in life.

I may not be qualified to talk on his behalf nor do I pretend to but what about the bloke who did amazing stunts on a roadbike, heck on any bike then within a stroke hes not walking again. He'll be going through dark days over massive issues affecting him alot more than you. Sorry only you can help you. I do think you need to start looking at the positives of life now. You've fed on your situation and magnified it.

Stop it. Get your life back. Start living again man.

st colin - Member
This new girl I'm seeing is great and I should be starting to make new memories and have new experiences with her. But I can't seem to let myself do it.

Don't let past experiences spoil you new relationship. Let it go. Be strong.

This happens to me recently and it spoils my relationship. Let bygones be bygones. Don't make the same mistake twice. I know I will not make the same mistake again.

Re the depression and man up argument. For me, there must be different types of depression. I was in a spiral over a nasty parent/death and subsequent large chunk of money that I didn't want. I lost a stone in a short period of time and drank alot. I talked to myself and slowly got myself off the floor. I admit it took willpower and I still have off days but I have bikes, a great girl, a lovely son and Rum 🙂

I admit my situation may be polar-opposites to you but I your situation is down to a broken heart. That lost love. Not an unknown 'life seems draining or I can't snap out of it/not knowing why'.

we are all different Hora and some folk get depression after a break up and some get laid a lot and enjoy it

Saying what works for us is just saying what works for us.

Well, another update. In a quick turn of events I'm off to London next Wednesday for an interview. It's with a supplier that I deal with through my current job. I have a great relationship with them. It comes with greater responsibility, but I think it would be an amazing challenge. I'm thinking that the new change of scenery and a fresh start with my career could be a good thing. I'm actually feeling positive about this...could this be the turning point?

Some of you may have noticed my thread on places to ride in the North West, that's the area I would be responsible for in the job.