[Closed] Daughter has gained scholarship to a private school but doesn't want to go

I was given a similar opportunity. Between myself and my parents, we decided on remaining in the state school system. I've never regretted it, other than being at a job interview and being questioned about what school I went to. I still got the job...

I just went to a state school that sounded posh enough. #GrammarSchoolBoy

That is a tough one to decide, but at the end of the day it is her life and, assuming the state school is anything like good, it isn't like she is going to end up with nothing - some state schools perform equally well (if not better) than some private schools. And who doesn't want their kids to be happy?

. It just seemed wrong on many levels.

If someone wanted to put 2 million quid into my kids school, I’m not sure I’d be especially worried. I would be looking to encourage said kids to be friends with their kids, infact.

Is it a single sex school? I was subject to both types of education and preferred the posh girls school by at least a million percent, possibly more. Friends come and go at that age, especially with teenage girls. There is a good chance her current friends will be dead to her next week.

This is a grown up decision, for you as a parent.

I don't see how a state school makes a person more rounded. I have done fine in life, some might say well, and a lot of that is down to the confidence from a good girls school.

If someone wanted to put 2 million quid into my kids school, I’m not sure I’d be especially worried.

I'd be worried about the kind of entitled spoilt brats my kid would have to go through adolescence with...

My parents offered me the chance to go to a local private school. I refused in the end. I went to a small rural school instead, and made friends way outside of my social bubble and now as I veer towards middle class I am sincerely grateful to have had the opportunity to experience diverse walks of life; it informs my world-view and my politics.

However it was a pretty relaxed place, and I often wonder if, given an environment more focused on achievement in a positive sense, I might've done more things I wanted to do in live.

And who doesn’t want their kids to be happy?

I worked with a guy who'd got a scholarship- he said getting called "the poor boy" was quite galling after a while. His standard retort was that he was there on ability whereas they were thick and had to pay didn't faze them.

He also added it was the holidays/extra curricular activities that highlighted the gap- kids going off skiing for most of the xmas hols, spending all winter on a yacht on the Med etc.

He did recommend the education per se, although he purposely avoided an Oxbridge application as he'd had enough of that environment.

My parents sent me to a private school half way through secondary 'cos I was bone idle and the state school weren't really bothered.

I got a kick up the arse at private school which ultimately led to half decent grades, which led to a place at uni, which in turn led to me getting a decent job.

I hated the school, but I can't argue with the results.

If your daughter already applies herself well, the benefits may not be so clear cut. I would have to (begrudgingly) recommend private school to any parents of bone idle underachieving ***** though.

How old is she? We changed my girls' school when one was in Primary and the other in Secondary - lots of tears initially, but within a couple of weeks at the new school they'd made new friends and the issues we had with the previous school were all in the past. Which is my roundabout way of saying while you should of course take her wishes into consideration at the end of the day it's your decision as a parent.

So what's the state school like? And the private school? What about in a couple of years when she's older? Do you want her to go to university, and will the school make much difference to getting there?

My wife is a state primary school teacher, her opinion on private schools is that they can be worthwhile for various reasons but make sure you can afford all the extra curricular activities that are expected. Otherwise the child misses out on a lot of opportunities. At least at state school there are less opportunities to miss out on!!

the trouble is, the kid is only concerned about what she thinks will make her happy RIGHT NOW.

This is true, but it is still important that they ARE happy. Yes, they may make better friends. Similarly they may not. If they don't, they will not thrive.

I'm not quite sure all private schools are the same, if you read this you would think they are all Eton. They aren't. You need to make the decision i'm afraid not her. Fundamentally will she get better quality education - I could answer that on the balance of probabilities she will, smaller class sizes in general and more hands on. Without getting into a massive debate about private and state schools - as whichever one you went to will polarise a view, only you can decide. Frankly, if you don't take up the scholarship someone will so at least somebody will get the benefit. Well done her though.

If looking towards university, there is certainly some chat that (in Scotland) that places are made more available for Scottish / state school pupils than their private school counterparts.

Having seen some of the greasy pole climbing / keeping up with the Jones' locally re the local private school vs. state school, I'm not sure what the fuss is about on the private front. For special needs e.g. dyslexia support, they have additional charges on top. Hours are pretty long, full-on activities, but from what I've seen of the offspring, it doesn't make them any more rounded than their state peers.

It's very divisive for sure.

It's difficult, but I'd be tempted to try it. She can always revert to the local state school if it doesn't work out.

Of course the other consideration is how good is the state school she would be going to. We are very fortunate to live somewhere where two state schools comfortably out-perform the private school.

If someone wanted to put 2 million quid into my kids school, I’m not sure I’d be especially worried. I would be looking to encourage said kids to be friends with their kids, infact.

If you can't reciprocate a weekend's shooting party (you know, just a normal party) then you'll not likely be invited.

Also Mr £2m donation will be wanting a return. Chap I referred to above said that parents complained if their kid's grades were low. Nothing to do with Tim Nice But Dim being thick, more a "we're paying for you to teach, you must be doing a bad job" attitude.

The state school is a solid "average".Plenty of kids leave there with very good grades and a friends daughter has gone on to Oxbridge.
One of my concerns is that my daughter will leave private school knowing that she was segregated from society in general at an early age and will carry some kind of privilege guilt around with her
for the rest of her days.

^ WTAF are you talking about. Segregated from society ? You'll find a large proportion of people in private schools are normal humans. FFS honestly, i've never read such utter p1sh in my life. She may leave knowing that from her hard work she has come out with a really solid and rounded education.

I got a scholarship to a private school [QEGS] and also accepted at the grammar [Clithroe].
I wanted to go to the local comp with my mates.
In the end I ended up going to a church school [St Wilfrids] that was still 9-10 miles away which I think was worst of all worlds.

I can honestly say I resented and hated every second of the 5yrs I was there ..

I went from star pupil at primary to someone the teachers were glad played truant.

[Parents divorced about the same time so that probably didn't help]

My younger brother just got sent to the same school and though I doubt he'd say they were the happiest years of his life he didn't hate it as much as I did.

One of my concerns is that my daughter will leave private school knowing that she was segregated from society in general at an early age and will carry some kind of privilege guilt around with her
for the rest of her days.

Privilege? She's worked hard to get the offer. Be proud of her. If she's smart she'll deal with it well.

I went to a private school on a scholarship and thoroughly enjoyed it. I doubt I would have achieved what I have had I gone to the local state school, but I’m sure would have got by.

She has to make the choice which is right for her, but simply going to a school to stay with your mates is probably not a very good reason.

Similarly you should ignore the fact that somebody was a **** at the open day - I’m sure there’s plenty of parents at the state school who are equally stupid..

So what’s the state school like? And the private school? What about in a couple of years when she’s older?

This.

It's a tricky one. Our local state school used to be very good but in the last 6 years has become decidedly average - the local private schools, though, have maintained their standards or improved them.

Just because your mates are going to another school really isn't a reason to follow the crowd - she's a smart girl and very few people get the opportunity she's being offered.

If I were to give you two million pounds , what would you spend it on ?” . It just seemed wrong on many levels.

Seems like a fair enough question - one that you could ask at a state school also.

Anyone regretted private education ?

I've been to both state and private schools and the best memories are certainly from the private school era. I'm still friends with a fair number of people from that time (and I'm 56 now) and meet regularly. I don't know anyone from the state school.
When I moved from state to private school I was amazed at how poor the private school facilities were (late '70s) - I can guarantee that that is not the case now.

I've sent my 3 girls to state primary and then private secondary school - it's very nearly broken me but I wouldn't have had it any other way. They've had a great time and done pretty well.
Obviously they may have also had exactly the same experience at state school.

Those people that think that private schools are full of entitled brats are very wide of the mark.

TL;DR
You only get one chance at education.

NZCol, there is a segregation from society in general when going to a school based on ability to pay
(although obviously not in our case). Calm down mate.

The £2 million question is a rather good hypothetical one, the answer to which should give you a pretty good idea of the school's priorities. The answer from one of my old schools would be probably to add the majority to the bursary fund, the other I fear would be to build some silly new facility if they could which would have limited incremental benefit.

The state school is a solid “average”.Plenty of kids leave there with very good grades and a friends daughter has gone on to Oxbridge.
One of my concerns is that my daughter will leave private school knowing that she was segregated from society in general at an early age and will carry some kind of privilege guilt around with her
for the rest of her days.

Sounds like you know what's up, thebees - so many private school kids carry that insecurity around with them like a sack of bricks on their back. Nothing wrong with needing extra help in your schooling, but it can feel like a burden.

Bright kid, decent state school, spend the 15% fees saved on new MTBs for you and your daughter - no brainer.

But there isn;t as you can see because being able to pay is balanced with a population that are subsidised and supported to be there. I'm entirely calm, but it's an amazing opportunity that I would be grabbing with both hands.

We could of put both our kids through a scholarship to a private school, family connections, neither was interested as they wanted to be with their friends. We also were happier them being at a school closer to home. We went with the choice of being a happier family.

Yep I also won a scholarship but wanted to go a school that played football not rugby. In retrospect I wish I had gone.

NZCol, there is a segregation from society in general when going to a school based on ability to pay

You could apply that to cars, houses, holidays, etc.

It sounds like you've already made you mind up.

Another opinion - You are a parent. What do you think will give your daughter the best education in the long term? By all means ask her opinion, but be prepared to ignore it. She may be pissed off now if you chose the private option, or pissed off later if you chose the state. You really can't win. So think long term.

How old is she? You can do both state and private during schooling.
Is there much difference between where the pupils go afterwards?

Private school friends will have better holiday homes villas for her to visit!

NZCol, there is a segregation from society in general when going to a school based on ability to pay
(although obviously not in our case). Calm down mate.

Its a tough one, I have no experience of private as a pupil or teacher but looking at the opportunities that the pupils get at the private school my other half works at I'd be tempted (shame its a girls school and we have a son). Looking at it tge other way, we are hoping that we can mitigate by putting in opportunities the state sector leaves out but on tge other hand given your response above you would hope you would be able to put in what tge private school leaves out.

I expect she will do well wherever if shes that bright but on tge balance of probabilities she'd be better educated in private

Happened to me (selective grammar vs local comp with all my primary school friends).

Parents let me choose. I chose wrong, y7 to 11 was hands down the worst 5 years of my life.

If I was given the chance to turn back time and change one thing, it would be that, no hesitation.

From experience private school can lead to a degree of isolation from neighbourhood friends. Means longer journeys to see school friends on a weekend etc

How solid is the local state school? my kids went to state school - they’re bright and motivated and have done well as the environment was a good one for them...one is working, one is at med school (grafting v hard), the other is about to start GCSE mocks.

Private could be a massive opportunity but again there can be downsides.
Either way your daughter is likely to do well, but needs to be happy and not forced one way or another.

My Step Daughter got a scholarship to a brilliant Private School. The education she received was first class and she was pushed to achieve all she was capable of. Was the absolute making of her. I know for a fact that if she had gone to the local comp, she would not have the job or degree she has now.

I'd be pushing for the very best for my daughter, especially as she is obviously a clever girl. Hopefully the private school will put her in an environment which will encourage and push for better results.

My Eldest daughter is now a teacher, and will be the first to admit that the current state of secondary education is in a pretty difficult place.

I got a scholarship to a private school [QEGS] and also accepted at the grammar [Clithroe].
I wanted to go to the local comp with my mates.
In the end I ended up going to a church school [St Wilfrids] that was still 9-10 miles away which I think was worst of all worlds.

Bloody hell - I'm guessing by all the others you mean QEGS Blackburn? I went there until I was 15.

It was very meh IMO.

Then went to King's in Macclesfiield - which I hated. The vast majority of my mates were at the local comp. Can't say I'm keen on private schools, but it's all down to personal experience, and an N of one isn't exactly scientific.

not sure what a rounded individual means. Most kids in private schools are not Eton like toffs....they're usually first generation kids from poorer backgrounds who's parents have done well for themselves. I personally would push my kids to go if the opportunity was there. Kids are resilient...make a whole host of different group friends when they move up from primary to secondary school anyway so it's immaterial really - my daughter's group of friends is completely different to the ones she moved up from Primary school with.

Plenty of people I know move around different countries with their kids every 3 years or so, they get educated int he best schools in the world all paid for by their companies and are about as 'rounded' individuals you could ever meet and have had fantastic life experiences as the school gets involved in so much more and offers so many more opportunities to their pupils.

Some people need to update their image of what a private school actually is. Sure there are your old school ones like the Eton etc, but they are few and far between.

She’s young and wants to be with her mates.
You’re old and will know better where she will get the best opportunities and education.
By all means consult her, but as a parent, it is for you to make the decision that is right for her long term. This may well not be the choice she wants you to make.
Being devils advocate, what’s stopping you trying for a year (no less, a month will still leave her pining for her old friends) and if it doesn’t work then she goes back to state school?

For context, I went to state school but a very good friend went private. A has an attitude to life that was born there that means he is hugely successful. And from what his dad tells me, he sure as hell didn’t want to go to begin with.

Most kids in private schools are not Eton like toffs

Even the ones who go to Eton, though they are pretty bright.

For what it's worth,

One of the key factors in my choosing a University was that I wanted to go where my best friends were going. It's a decision I took rather than my parents, and it's one I've regretted for decades since.

I would actually prefer her to become a more rounded individual and attend the state school.

I always think this is an interesting concept (I went to a comp, have still ended up in the sorts of situations where you get asked what school you went to).

At best you could argue it's missing out on the opportunities of seeing how rich people work and networking etc is just a much a loss as spending time with a different cross section of society.

At worst it's poverty tourism and assumes that well off people are incapable of empathy and/or dealing with anything other than other rich people. Which is a stereotype that could be dispelled if .............

My eldest went to the village primary that failed it's Ofsted just he left, then to a local academy in the local (former mining and steel) town, which would have failed it's Ofsted - wife was a governor towards the end, he chaired the student council, it was a shambles.

He came out with 10 A*s and 2 As.

If they are bright, they'll do well anywhere. If they are not happy in the environment at private school, everything will feel like a struggle. A private school will offer wider (expensive!) extra curricular activities, maybe open doors down the line and better networking opportunities. My lad is looking at Cambridge for the networking opportunities as much as the degree it will get him.

Might be worth considering trying the private school with the state school as a fall back - not sure what the commitment is on a bursary. Easier to do it that way round than the other.

And fwiw, I know a couple of privately educated people. Pretty normal, but very different experiences of the world.

I don't have kids so shouldn't comment (not that that's never stopped anyone on here before), but the only thing I would worry about is what extracurricular activities there would be at the private school that might be expensive - can you afford to fund them? If you couldn't, would your daughter miss out (and feel/be left out)?
I'd ask the school about that. After that, I'd think it would be your decision not hers (I know nothing about being a parent!)

assumes that well off people are incapable of empathy and/or dealing with anything other than other rich people. Which is a stereotype that could be dispelled if ………….

Boris wasnt such a ****?

Another way of looking at it is:

Would your daughter do best being an average pupil at a school full of high achievers or top of the heap at a reasonable comp? There can be advantages to being a big fish in a little pool. This would obviously depend on the schools in question and your daughter's character.

You only get one chance at education.

Not strictly relevant, but I have to disagree with this. You can have as many goes as you like.

Nothing to do with Tim Nice But Dim being thick, more a “we’re paying for you to teach, you must be doing a bad job” attitude.

I think there is more of that in private, but it seems to have an increasing presence in state.

Most kids in private schools are not Eton like toffs….they’re usually first generation kids from poorer backgrounds who’s parents have done well for themselves.

Given the lack of, and declining social mobility in this country I'd be staggered if this was true, can we see your working out?

A private school will offer wider (expensive!) extra curricular activities

Do you actually know that or is it a guess? because I can tell you that any EC activities you have to pay for are no more expensive than a state school.... if they had them on offer.

You can have as many goes as you like.

Sorry I didn't know you could keep taking your GCSE's until you got what you wanted.

I would jump at the chance. I was lucky enough to be privately educated from 5 yrs old. Now putting my own children through state education I can see exactly where private is leaps and bounds ahead: in terms of facilities, teaching style, palliative care and <yes I am a complete snob> peers.

I go back to my secondary school every so often when they have an open day & the onsite facilities are utterly astounding with almost continuous investment. There are: music studios; an auditorium; a concert hall & theatre; fully equipped gyms; a swimming pool; a biology block; a physics block; a chemistry block; a design technology block; maths labs; numerous computer labs; language labs; a full 400m running track; a rifle range; several off-site sports fields; a rowing boat house.... There's even a masonic lodge buried in the dungeons (though nobody we know knew this was there until it was publicised in the alumni rag years after we left).

In comparison, my sister works at a brand new state secondary school. It's essentially a shed with some breeze block dividers and carpet tiles. They did have a sports field, it's now a housing estate. Before the new school was built she had to teach on the same site for 15 years in an asbestos-riddled 1960s brutalist heap.

The biggest advantage though is that everyone there is there to learn: willingly. They all want to succeed. Whereas my son's school has had to exclude a 6 year old for repeatedly attacking teachers; the head teacher has had to email the parents to ask that they get dressed before bringing their children to school and the house immediately in front of the school gates gets done over regularly by the police looking for drugs/stolen goods/people on the run.

I got a scholarship for 6th form and nobody ever used that against me. In fact I got nothing but praise from my peers. I suspect my son would get bullied for similar attainment at his current school (we're looking to move and private education is a possibility).

In terms of life chances I reckon school did more for me than university did: it developed my critical thinking, project management and problem analysis skills in far better ways. OK, so it may have made me an over-confident arrogant git (and possibly now from some angles a terrible person), but I've never been to a job interview for a position that I've actually wanted and not been offered the role.

In terms of social mobility: my dad grew up here, his dad was a machinist in the shipyards, my mum's dad a radio officer in the merchant navy. I was very, very lucky indeed.

I just went to a state school that sounded posh enough

Gonna recommend a re-brand to the local (highly performing) high school that has 'high school' in its name. Gonna search wikipedia for the names of late-17th C minor aristocrats.

I went to a (supposedly) top public school and I think it needs careful thought on your part. I ended up finding a Uni where no one from my school had ever been to, to get get away from the snobby and elitist c*$p that I saw there. The fact I didn't live in a fancy big house made a difference (kids would get teased for living in Balham, as it was a bit low rent!!) and kids can be cutting.

It was a very sporty (i.e. rugby) school, which wasn't me. It meant I lost touch with nearly all my local friends from beforehand and the friends I did have at school lived miles away. I keep in contact with one person now from school.

If the local state school option had been rubbish, I could see the benefits of private school, but for me now, my local school is half decent and I take the view I'll have the chance to be properly engaged and responsible for my children's education at a local school, and I'll see more of them.

The quality of the teaching at my school was also vary variable and some were truly shocking, some were brilliant. There will be a ton of opportunities and if they're of the mindset to make the most of them and will get on with the other children there at the same time, it could be great. Or it could cause them physcological issues for the rest of their lives!!

Nothing to do with Tim Nice But Dim being thick, more a “we’re paying for you to teach, you must be doing a bad job” attitude

You'll find that Tim probably wouldn't get in to the private school in the first place. At the end of the day they're a business and the single most important thing to them is results as that's how a lot of people (rightly or wrongly) rate schools.
If Tim doesn't pass the entrance exam then he'll not be accepted regardless of how rich daddy is. And if Tim's results aren't good enough, at pretty much any time, it will be 'suggested' that he may be better off somewhere else - don't ask me how I know!

Sorry I didn’t know you could keep taking your GCSE’s until you got what you wanted.

Sorry, not sure if sarcasm? Because you can. And education doesn't begin or end with GCSEs.

I dunno, still none the wiser.
Further concerns are , is my chippy working class bias getting the better of me?
Being a resilient strong character, won't she just inevitably do well wherever she goes ?
Will she be a bit different from the other girls ?

Basically there's a lot of unknowns and it feels a little bit like a social experiment that she's in the middle of.

Then went to King’s in Macclesfiield – which I hated.

I very nearly went to Kings (because I was bright and my parents wanted to do what they thought was best for me). In the end I went to the local comp (Poynton) cos, at the time, it was an excellent school. I'm quite glad, mainly cos everyone I ever met that went to Kings was an arrogant ****t. I hope we never met 😉

I have a niece who's at a v.posh private school (she's in the school polo club...) on a bursary, and two nephews at a 'normal but good' state school. I know it's difficult to make direct comparisons, but the difference in their attitudes, vocabulary and outlook is really marked. Just off that I'd have no problem sending my children (not that I have any) to a private school, assuming it was a good one.

Main thing though is it's a decision for you to make for her future, as her parent. The friends thing is understandable, but she'll make new ones within minutes of getting there.

If I had the two million pounds, I’d build a small coliseum where my pupils could watch local state school children get run over by bull-bar equipped Range Rover Velars.

Further concerns are , is my chippy working class bias getting the better of me?

Probably

Being a resilient strong character, won’t she just inevitably do well wherever she goes ?

Possibly, but don't you want to maximise the chances?

Will she be a bit different from the other girls ?

There'll probably be a mix of rich ones, other ones on scholarships, some on bursaries, others from 'normal' families where the parents are working hard and scrimping to pay the fees cos they see it as important. It won't be the cast of St Trinians vs your little orphan Annie daughter.

IHN, good points.

Actually, a lad I know through Scouts went to the top state school in the county, which is in a very affluent area. As an average student from an averagely well off family, he hates the cliques, bullying and entitlement the well off kids dished out. Though apparently the drugs available at parties were more varied and better quality.

Both factors at a nearby private school as well, so I've heard

If they are bright, they’ll do well anywhere.

Not necessarily. I can attest first-hand to the importance of good teachers. I did (amongst others) Physics at A'level and I went from a consistent A/B grade student in the first year to coming out with a D at the end of the second because they changed teachers after the first year.

And really, I guess that's where I'd be focusing. Rather than worrying about public vs private or what an 11-year old "wants," look at average grades from last year in the subjects she's interested in maybe?

Anyone regretted private education ?

Yes. I got dragged kicking and screaming out of my happy existence in the local primary and sent to a shithole called Hutchie (cue abuse from any weegies in the house)
I hated it. I was miserable. I went from toppish of the class to bottom. I loathed the self important ****s at the school and was loathed by many of the local kids.
Awful awful place.

It instilled into me my strong sense of loathing and self hatred.

Don't do it.

Has she spoken to her current friends about this? They may think she's an absolute idiot for not taking the opportunity. (if they don't, best not to dwell on it)

On the positive side, this thread prompted me to listen to Pulp - Different Class.

Maybe that's the solution, go to posh school, listen to different class, all bass covered including not having to have the awkward conversation about the birds and the bees.

I went to a public school in the Direct Grant days: It certainly wasn't elitist socially although it probably was academically. It has a reputation for creating smart-arses.
It's a tricky one. I absolutely hated it for the first two years or so. Part of that was finding myself well in the middle academically after having been top of the class. In fact I hated it so much my parents seriously considered pulling me out of it. In retrospect I'm glad they didn't because there is no doubt that benefitted me in the long run.
I'd suggest that there are an awful lot of variables in this, as a lot depends on the particular school, her personality and how she reacts to the challenges, but the one thing I'd echo is don't just take the decision on the basis that she wants to stay with her mates. She'll have a lifetime to make new friends.

is my chippy working class bias getting the better of me?

Maybe, I am the same, I'd ban private schools if someone was stupid enough to put me in charge, but I'd probably send my son to one if I could.

My Step Daughter got a scholarship to a brilliant Private School. The education she received was first class and she was pushed to achieve all she was capable of. Was the absolute making of her. I know for a fact that if she had gone to the local comp, she would not have the job or degree she has now.

I’d be pushing for the very best for my daughter, especially as she is obviously a clever girl. Hopefully the private school will put her in an environment which will encourage and push for better results.

This.

From experience private school can lead to a degree of isolation from neighbourhood friends. Means longer journeys to see school friends on a weekend etc

Rubbish. If current firends are local then they can still play together. If they don't want to play with the 'posh' kid then you've gotta question how good a friend they are anyway. Al the kids in our street play together and there is a large number of diffrent shcools they all go to.

Unless you're at Eton, then a lot of the parents are going to be the same - hardworking, probably not buying the new car so they can get a good education for their offspring etc. etc. - school trips aren't going to be likely to be anymore expensive than state trips out. You arent obliged to have a chalet in the South of France or go skiing every half term.

This is really your choice not your daughters. She probably didn't want any of the injections she has had, or going ot bed early that night, or wearing the sensible shoes you got her (I know these are a factor down from your current situation...) but its almost certainly going to be better for her.

Easy to go back to the state school if things don't work out, probably once in lifetime chance the other way.

I come into contact with many people who send their children to private school and most of them think its a good thing ( perhaps they would after they spenting that sort of money). Although they generally think that state schools are ok. I think it depends massively on where you live and the quality of the state school your daughter would go to. I went to a state grammar school and when I was younger thought it was rubbish but as I grow older I recognize the good things about it. My children went to the local comp. and neither they nor I think much of it. Although I am happy with my life I now know I could have done better ( how do you define better) My children have both done well in very different ways. My conclusion is that a parents influence and advise given to their children is the most important thing. Quite some responsibility!

Scholarship would have taken quite an effort, as Johndoe said you can always go from this to state if things really do not work out. However going the other way is never going to happen.

She should try it IMO, I suspect it’s just nerves and Monday is the day state schools get their lists. So stressful for all parents.

State schools have to work with a WIDE range of issues. Too wide on a daily basis, correction hourly basis.

It all depends on the schools and the chikd, nephew got a scholarship to private school because he was very bright and local state school would have been a disaster for him. On the flip side my eldest went to a top state grammar (very similar to private school ethos) and despite being bright he just didn't fit in, so we shifted him after a couple of years.

If they are bright, they’ll do well anywhere.

Not necessarily true if the child doesn't have a drive to do well, our youngest tripped up in the 12+ and ended up in the local secondary school - the bar was set way lower than the next school up & consequently he didn't get the A grades he needed to get to the uni he is now finally at.

The advice on getting your daughter to try the private school for a year gets 👍 from me.

In contrast to those who were allowed to choose and regretted it. I was allowed to choose between the local comp and the grammar in the neighbouring county and chose the comp. I've never regretted it.

I’d ban private schools if someone was stupid enough to put me in charge, but I’d probably send my son to one if I could.

You are Diane Abbott AICM£5

The important thing you haven’t covered- is it a day scholarship or boarding? If the latter I’d send my kids off no hesitation!!

I went to public school on a similar scholarship. It took me about 5 years of living in a working-class city at uni, working crappy jobs with normal working-class folks to undo my extreme class indoctrination. The distain for normal people that my school culture sewed was ridiculous. My sister went to a different public school although she didn't board and the bullying she received has completely crippled her confidence. We both came from a wee, friendly school and the change was so much. Even though my sister is doing great, PhD etc, she is still really affected by that time.
I loath that the school I came from unlocks doors.

This is really your choice not your daughters

NOT THIS AT ALL! One of the greatest things my mum and dad ever did for me was to let me make my own choice of secondary school. In the north east we had three good private schools and next to my house in Sunderland two mediocre comps.

Mum & dad let me visit all of them, make my own mind up about which ones to shortlist and ultimately apply for. I sat 11+ for the three private schools, including interviews at two of them. I got a scholarship for Kings and offers at Dame Allans or RGS Newcastle. It was my decision entirely to go for RGS - I knew it was the place where I’d feel most at home and they were willing to sacrifice & stump up the cash. I’d have felt very resentful of been bunged in a school not of my choosing. I’m extremely grateful for them delegating that choice to me.

Having taught in both and seen how much is expected of the pupils and how that makes them work. I'd send mind private.
There is an expectation of good work and the "zone of proximal development" is obvious when you watch classes day to day.
Bar the expectations and the better grades the independent kids were just that, more independent more outgoing (precocious if you want), but they had a better view on what was out there. A lot of state kids(remember you're not average) seem stuck with job aspirations based around what they see/ know.

Daughter should be involved but ultimately you're the adult and you want what is best for her.

I asked my lad, given how well he'd done at a state school, whether he'd have gone private if he'd had a choice - he reckons he would, but suggested the thing to try and check is how well the high flyers at the state school get on. If it has 3-4 students getting straight A*s at GCSE (or whatever they are now), then a bright kid will do fine there academically.