[Closed] Daughter has gained scholarship to a private school but doesn't want to go

I was given a similar opportunity. Between myself and my parents, we decided on remaining in the state school system. I've never regretted it, other than being at a job interview and being questioned about what school I went to. I still got the job...

I just went to a state school that sounded posh enough. #GrammarSchoolBoy

That is a tough one to decide, but at the end of the day it is her life and, assuming the state school is anything like good, it isn't like she is going to end up with nothing - some state schools perform equally well (if not better) than some private schools. And who doesn't want their kids to be happy?

. It just seemed wrong on many levels.

If someone wanted to put 2 million quid into my kids school, I’m not sure I’d be especially worried. I would be looking to encourage said kids to be friends with their kids, infact.

Is it a single sex school? I was subject to both types of education and preferred the posh girls school by at least a million percent, possibly more. Friends come and go at that age, especially with teenage girls. There is a good chance her current friends will be dead to her next week.

This is a grown up decision, for you as a parent.

I don't see how a state school makes a person more rounded. I have done fine in life, some might say well, and a lot of that is down to the confidence from a good girls school.

If someone wanted to put 2 million quid into my kids school, I’m not sure I’d be especially worried.

I'd be worried about the kind of entitled spoilt brats my kid would have to go through adolescence with...

My parents offered me the chance to go to a local private school. I refused in the end. I went to a small rural school instead, and made friends way outside of my social bubble and now as I veer towards middle class I am sincerely grateful to have had the opportunity to experience diverse walks of life; it informs my world-view and my politics.

However it was a pretty relaxed place, and I often wonder if, given an environment more focused on achievement in a positive sense, I might've done more things I wanted to do in live.

And who doesn’t want their kids to be happy?

I worked with a guy who'd got a scholarship- he said getting called "the poor boy" was quite galling after a while. His standard retort was that he was there on ability whereas they were thick and had to pay didn't faze them.

He also added it was the holidays/extra curricular activities that highlighted the gap- kids going off skiing for most of the xmas hols, spending all winter on a yacht on the Med etc.

He did recommend the education per se, although he purposely avoided an Oxbridge application as he'd had enough of that environment.

My parents sent me to a private school half way through secondary 'cos I was bone idle and the state school weren't really bothered.

I got a kick up the arse at private school which ultimately led to half decent grades, which led to a place at uni, which in turn led to me getting a decent job.

I hated the school, but I can't argue with the results.

If your daughter already applies herself well, the benefits may not be so clear cut. I would have to (begrudgingly) recommend private school to any parents of bone idle underachieving ***** though.

How old is she? We changed my girls' school when one was in Primary and the other in Secondary - lots of tears initially, but within a couple of weeks at the new school they'd made new friends and the issues we had with the previous school were all in the past. Which is my roundabout way of saying while you should of course take her wishes into consideration at the end of the day it's your decision as a parent.

So what's the state school like? And the private school? What about in a couple of years when she's older? Do you want her to go to university, and will the school make much difference to getting there?

My wife is a state primary school teacher, her opinion on private schools is that they can be worthwhile for various reasons but make sure you can afford all the extra curricular activities that are expected. Otherwise the child misses out on a lot of opportunities. At least at state school there are less opportunities to miss out on!!

the trouble is, the kid is only concerned about what she thinks will make her happy RIGHT NOW.

This is true, but it is still important that they ARE happy. Yes, they may make better friends. Similarly they may not. If they don't, they will not thrive.

I'm not quite sure all private schools are the same, if you read this you would think they are all Eton. They aren't. You need to make the decision i'm afraid not her. Fundamentally will she get better quality education - I could answer that on the balance of probabilities she will, smaller class sizes in general and more hands on. Without getting into a massive debate about private and state schools - as whichever one you went to will polarise a view, only you can decide. Frankly, if you don't take up the scholarship someone will so at least somebody will get the benefit. Well done her though.

If looking towards university, there is certainly some chat that (in Scotland) that places are made more available for Scottish / state school pupils than their private school counterparts.

Having seen some of the greasy pole climbing / keeping up with the Jones' locally re the local private school vs. state school, I'm not sure what the fuss is about on the private front. For special needs e.g. dyslexia support, they have additional charges on top. Hours are pretty long, full-on activities, but from what I've seen of the offspring, it doesn't make them any more rounded than their state peers.

It's very divisive for sure.

It's difficult, but I'd be tempted to try it. She can always revert to the local state school if it doesn't work out.

Of course the other consideration is how good is the state school she would be going to. We are very fortunate to live somewhere where two state schools comfortably out-perform the private school.

If someone wanted to put 2 million quid into my kids school, I’m not sure I’d be especially worried. I would be looking to encourage said kids to be friends with their kids, infact.

If you can't reciprocate a weekend's shooting party (you know, just a normal party) then you'll not likely be invited.

Also Mr £2m donation will be wanting a return. Chap I referred to above said that parents complained if their kid's grades were low. Nothing to do with Tim Nice But Dim being thick, more a "we're paying for you to teach, you must be doing a bad job" attitude.

The state school is a solid "average".Plenty of kids leave there with very good grades and a friends daughter has gone on to Oxbridge.
One of my concerns is that my daughter will leave private school knowing that she was segregated from society in general at an early age and will carry some kind of privilege guilt around with her
for the rest of her days.

^ WTAF are you talking about. Segregated from society ? You'll find a large proportion of people in private schools are normal humans. FFS honestly, i've never read such utter p1sh in my life. She may leave knowing that from her hard work she has come out with a really solid and rounded education.

I got a scholarship to a private school [QEGS] and also accepted at the grammar [Clithroe].
I wanted to go to the local comp with my mates.
In the end I ended up going to a church school [St Wilfrids] that was still 9-10 miles away which I think was worst of all worlds.

I can honestly say I resented and hated every second of the 5yrs I was there ..

I went from star pupil at primary to someone the teachers were glad played truant.

[Parents divorced about the same time so that probably didn't help]

My younger brother just got sent to the same school and though I doubt he'd say they were the happiest years of his life he didn't hate it as much as I did.

One of my concerns is that my daughter will leave private school knowing that she was segregated from society in general at an early age and will carry some kind of privilege guilt around with her
for the rest of her days.

Privilege? She's worked hard to get the offer. Be proud of her. If she's smart she'll deal with it well.

I went to a private school on a scholarship and thoroughly enjoyed it. I doubt I would have achieved what I have had I gone to the local state school, but I’m sure would have got by.

She has to make the choice which is right for her, but simply going to a school to stay with your mates is probably not a very good reason.

Similarly you should ignore the fact that somebody was a **** at the open day - I’m sure there’s plenty of parents at the state school who are equally stupid..

So what’s the state school like? And the private school? What about in a couple of years when she’s older?

This.

It's a tricky one. Our local state school used to be very good but in the last 6 years has become decidedly average - the local private schools, though, have maintained their standards or improved them.

Just because your mates are going to another school really isn't a reason to follow the crowd - she's a smart girl and very few people get the opportunity she's being offered.

If I were to give you two million pounds , what would you spend it on ?” . It just seemed wrong on many levels.

Seems like a fair enough question - one that you could ask at a state school also.

Anyone regretted private education ?

I've been to both state and private schools and the best memories are certainly from the private school era. I'm still friends with a fair number of people from that time (and I'm 56 now) and meet regularly. I don't know anyone from the state school.
When I moved from state to private school I was amazed at how poor the private school facilities were (late '70s) - I can guarantee that that is not the case now.

I've sent my 3 girls to state primary and then private secondary school - it's very nearly broken me but I wouldn't have had it any other way. They've had a great time and done pretty well.
Obviously they may have also had exactly the same experience at state school.

Those people that think that private schools are full of entitled brats are very wide of the mark.

TL;DR
You only get one chance at education.

NZCol, there is a segregation from society in general when going to a school based on ability to pay
(although obviously not in our case). Calm down mate.

The £2 million question is a rather good hypothetical one, the answer to which should give you a pretty good idea of the school's priorities. The answer from one of my old schools would be probably to add the majority to the bursary fund, the other I fear would be to build some silly new facility if they could which would have limited incremental benefit.

The state school is a solid “average”.Plenty of kids leave there with very good grades and a friends daughter has gone on to Oxbridge.
One of my concerns is that my daughter will leave private school knowing that she was segregated from society in general at an early age and will carry some kind of privilege guilt around with her
for the rest of her days.

Sounds like you know what's up, thebees - so many private school kids carry that insecurity around with them like a sack of bricks on their back. Nothing wrong with needing extra help in your schooling, but it can feel like a burden.

Bright kid, decent state school, spend the 15% fees saved on new MTBs for you and your daughter - no brainer.

But there isn;t as you can see because being able to pay is balanced with a population that are subsidised and supported to be there. I'm entirely calm, but it's an amazing opportunity that I would be grabbing with both hands.

We could of put both our kids through a scholarship to a private school, family connections, neither was interested as they wanted to be with their friends. We also were happier them being at a school closer to home. We went with the choice of being a happier family.

Yep I also won a scholarship but wanted to go a school that played football not rugby. In retrospect I wish I had gone.

NZCol, there is a segregation from society in general when going to a school based on ability to pay

You could apply that to cars, houses, holidays, etc.

It sounds like you've already made you mind up.

Another opinion - You are a parent. What do you think will give your daughter the best education in the long term? By all means ask her opinion, but be prepared to ignore it. She may be pissed off now if you chose the private option, or pissed off later if you chose the state. You really can't win. So think long term.

How old is she? You can do both state and private during schooling.
Is there much difference between where the pupils go afterwards?

Private school friends will have better holiday homes villas for her to visit!

NZCol, there is a segregation from society in general when going to a school based on ability to pay
(although obviously not in our case). Calm down mate.

Its a tough one, I have no experience of private as a pupil or teacher but looking at the opportunities that the pupils get at the private school my other half works at I'd be tempted (shame its a girls school and we have a son). Looking at it tge other way, we are hoping that we can mitigate by putting in opportunities the state sector leaves out but on tge other hand given your response above you would hope you would be able to put in what tge private school leaves out.

I expect she will do well wherever if shes that bright but on tge balance of probabilities she'd be better educated in private

Happened to me (selective grammar vs local comp with all my primary school friends).

Parents let me choose. I chose wrong, y7 to 11 was hands down the worst 5 years of my life.

If I was given the chance to turn back time and change one thing, it would be that, no hesitation.

From experience private school can lead to a degree of isolation from neighbourhood friends. Means longer journeys to see school friends on a weekend etc

How solid is the local state school? my kids went to state school - they’re bright and motivated and have done well as the environment was a good one for them...one is working, one is at med school (grafting v hard), the other is about to start GCSE mocks.

Private could be a massive opportunity but again there can be downsides.
Either way your daughter is likely to do well, but needs to be happy and not forced one way or another.

My Step Daughter got a scholarship to a brilliant Private School. The education she received was first class and she was pushed to achieve all she was capable of. Was the absolute making of her. I know for a fact that if she had gone to the local comp, she would not have the job or degree she has now.

I'd be pushing for the very best for my daughter, especially as she is obviously a clever girl. Hopefully the private school will put her in an environment which will encourage and push for better results.

My Eldest daughter is now a teacher, and will be the first to admit that the current state of secondary education is in a pretty difficult place.

I got a scholarship to a private school [QEGS] and also accepted at the grammar [Clithroe].
I wanted to go to the local comp with my mates.
In the end I ended up going to a church school [St Wilfrids] that was still 9-10 miles away which I think was worst of all worlds.

Bloody hell - I'm guessing by all the others you mean QEGS Blackburn? I went there until I was 15.

It was very meh IMO.

Then went to King's in Macclesfiield - which I hated. The vast majority of my mates were at the local comp. Can't say I'm keen on private schools, but it's all down to personal experience, and an N of one isn't exactly scientific.

not sure what a rounded individual means. Most kids in private schools are not Eton like toffs....they're usually first generation kids from poorer backgrounds who's parents have done well for themselves. I personally would push my kids to go if the opportunity was there. Kids are resilient...make a whole host of different group friends when they move up from primary to secondary school anyway so it's immaterial really - my daughter's group of friends is completely different to the ones she moved up from Primary school with.

Plenty of people I know move around different countries with their kids every 3 years or so, they get educated int he best schools in the world all paid for by their companies and are about as 'rounded' individuals you could ever meet and have had fantastic life experiences as the school gets involved in so much more and offers so many more opportunities to their pupils.

Some people need to update their image of what a private school actually is. Sure there are your old school ones like the Eton etc, but they are few and far between.

She’s young and wants to be with her mates.
You’re old and will know better where she will get the best opportunities and education.
By all means consult her, but as a parent, it is for you to make the decision that is right for her long term. This may well not be the choice she wants you to make.
Being devils advocate, what’s stopping you trying for a year (no less, a month will still leave her pining for her old friends) and if it doesn’t work then she goes back to state school?

For context, I went to state school but a very good friend went private. A has an attitude to life that was born there that means he is hugely successful. And from what his dad tells me, he sure as hell didn’t want to go to begin with.

Most kids in private schools are not Eton like toffs

Even the ones who go to Eton, though they are pretty bright.

For what it's worth,

One of the key factors in my choosing a University was that I wanted to go where my best friends were going. It's a decision I took rather than my parents, and it's one I've regretted for decades since.

I would actually prefer her to become a more rounded individual and attend the state school.

I always think this is an interesting concept (I went to a comp, have still ended up in the sorts of situations where you get asked what school you went to).

At best you could argue it's missing out on the opportunities of seeing how rich people work and networking etc is just a much a loss as spending time with a different cross section of society.

At worst it's poverty tourism and assumes that well off people are incapable of empathy and/or dealing with anything other than other rich people. Which is a stereotype that could be dispelled if .............