No rich - wants me to do a defecating proctogram!
When I was a surgical trainee, I removed various objects from various orifices.
To relieve the stress when off duty? Hey, whatever works for you....😁
I genuinely had a vasectomy this morning, GP surgery, keep your socks on, no curtains, cock and balls through a hole in a cover, which sort of negates the reason for the cover, I thought it was an internal keyhole job, was a bit surprised to see what I can only described as a bit of cooked spaghetti outside of my scrotum
I also had appendicitis when I was 13/14 (so 93/94), now I have and never have any issues taking any form of medication, no needle phobia anything, so was a bit concerned to receive a suppository, assume it was some sort of systematic abuse
As one above, camera up me knob to check my bladder after traces of blood in my urine. After the doc had finished and told me to hold onto my knob to stop pissing everywhere once he withdrew the camera.
He then casually says, "whens the last time you had your prostrate checked?".
" Never", says I and am told to adopt the fetal position..............
On exiting the examination room whilst still clamping my knob and now having to clench my arse I had the indignity of having to ask the two lovely young female trainee doctors, who had done my run ups, where the nearest toilet was before i did a two thirds grandslam.
I really can't compete with any of these above. But about 30 or so years ago I had what turned into a fairly bad bout of asthma which got worser and worserer throughout the day. I'd even travelled 2 hours to go white water kayaking with some friends, but ended up getting off the water after <100yards as I realised that a swim would probably have actually really killed me).
Anyway,.many hours later, once back home, and unable to talk by then, it was a trip to the hospital for a quick suck on some oxygen (so I thought). Which panned out to about 10 days in there, having ruptured the aveoli (the small air sacks at the ends of the pipes) in my lungs, and in hindsight was probably at more risk that I knew.
With it, the air that escapes the burst aveoli rises up in the tissue of the chest and settles in the hollowing around the collar bone/shoulder. It's like having inexhaustible bubble wrap under your skin. All crinkly and poppy when pressed. Great for whiling away the hours. All week I had student nurses and doctors filing past to have a prod and a poke, as I was told it wasn't that common and mine was a 'classic' case for those learning to experience. I was glad to assist in their education
And the one that will make your larf... this happened to my best mate, not me. It even involves biking.
Whilst playing on the bikes in a bomb hole in some woods (a real bomb-made bomb hole) he rolled through a jump too slowly. Fell off the side, landed on the stem of his bike..how we all laughed! Then he doubled up, clutching his wedding tackle. We laugh even more. Eventually he manages to stand, and peers into dark recesses of his pants. The bloody, dripping dark recesses of his pants. Oh dear.
Eventually we get to the hospital, where he really wants Hatty Jaques as the triage nurse, but gets the good looking 23 year old blonde.
I go to get some fodder whilst he stays some time to get his todger put back together. 😱
In my early 20s, I had an operation on a hydrocele (fluid in tissues of scrotum). Prior to that, they’d unsuccessfully drained it by inserting a large bore needle into my ballsack and drawn off the fluid, changing syringes half way through…
I once had the "exquisite pleasure" of a particularly nasty bout of epididymitis which put me in hospital for 3 weeks while they found an IV antibiotic to fix it. It was also decided they needed to knife open the scrotum to drain it and then insert a drain for a few days. Come the time to remove the drain, two lovely young nurses were sent to do the task. One to wield the scalpel and one to hold my hand. I'm not sure who was sweating most.
As I’m booked in for the snip soon I’m enjoying the stories.
Before I had mine I came here looking to see from other people's experiences how much it would effect returning to riding ... eye-opening stories!
In my case it was actually quite good. There's a GP 30 mins drive from me in a very quiet village. Every Friday for the last 30-something years he's run a private snip clinic and my GP recommended him to me. It was very casual and apart from the GP receptionist he was the only person I saw.
Literally, pop your clothes on the bench, jump on the bed, injection, slice, burning bacon smell, stitch, repeat.
It was March 2020 and so we chatted about COVID and somehow got onto butterflies. When I told him that we have an abundance of host vines for a rare butterfly species he got very interested and wanted me to give him some seeds (yes I get the irony). I think i'm not allowed to that without a license, so I had an awkward moment where I'm trying to work out how to say no to a man who is literally holding my knackers.
Not bad but funny...
I once had to have a doctor shove his finger up my bum to check for anything out of the ordinary.
I asked him if it was going to hurt... He just looked at me dead in the eye whilst lubing his gloved finger and said "it's gonna hurt me a lot more than it hurts you".
Just had a thought about another one from myself, not critical, not horrific but certainly hilarious
short version “I got caught taking a pic of my unfeasibly large testicle by a dr and 3 students”
Long version below
Way back in 2008 I posted up on here regarding this incident so some of you may remember my thread.
Got an infection in my bladder, no big deal as I self catheterise so get them all the time but the antibiotics don’t work and my left bollock seems to be swelling up, pay no heed as I probably injured it out on a ride earlier but over the next few days it continues to swell to such an extent that I can’t wear jeans/pants/boxers and I’m walking funny. Friend mentions of such a thing as a testicle torsion, where the testicle gets twisted and blood supply shuts off, testicle dies. So I decide to go to A&E, but it was a Sat evening in Dumfries and A&E was mobbed so I went home, called my local doc on Monday (he cycles/i cycle, we both live in small Galloway town so know each other well) and explain the issue, he says get up here now. I head up and show him my bollock, he inspects it and declares an infection of the epididymis leading to epididymitis, a swelling in the tube behind the testicle and sends me off to Dumfries hospital, he’s on the phone to them as I leave, go straight to hospital , do not pass go etc…etc.
By this point I’ve had a testicle that’s been increasing in size for a week or so and it’s becoming increasingly painful and I can only take short steps as it throbs like hell when it swings against my leg (I’m wearing baggy joggers).
I get to hospital, find the correct ward, present myself at the desk and explain who I am and I’m shown a bed in a ward of 3 others. Curtains get pulled and I’m told to wait for the Dr, I get bored and get up, go and ask where I can get coffee and I get given one in a mug from the nurses station so make my way back to bed, I txt my gf at the time and say where I am (she’s on holiday), she doesn’t believe me and doesn’t believe my testicle is the size of an orange so I go to prove it to her by attempting to take a pic, I stand up (curtains still closed at this point) and drop joggers, lift up hoody and try to take a pic but a testicle doesn’t really show up when hanging down (camera phones were shit in 08), I have the bright idea of laying my testicle on the upper/downy bed table, as I’m positioning my testicle in just the right way to get a good pic I realise I could sit it on my coffee mug as it’s far too big to fit in it, and it would give her an idea of size/scale. I manage to position it just perfectly, looks like an off colour ruby grapefruit perched atop a beige coffe mug and just as I’m taking a photo the curtain gets drawn back and there stands the Dr with 3 young students and the ward nurse…..all female. I blurt out, “my girlfriend doesn’t believe it’s the size of an orange, I’m taking a pic to prove it”. The Dr very solemnly says “ I’ll give you a minute to get sorted” and pulls the curtain back. I can hear much giggling and muffled laughter.
Intravenous antibiotics for a week and provided entertainment for the nurses and staff, even more so when Tom (tom cutting - used to be on here) mailed me a package of very large red plums to the ward (m&s finest no less)
I’ve got another one regarding my few months spent in Edenhall spinal unit, Musselburgh back in 1991 (two old army Nissan huts used as spinal unit in area of hospital grounds), involving a long hill out of the area where the unit was with speed bumps at bottom, two paralysed from waist down drunk & stoned idiots in wheelchairs and a race to the gate 300 yards away at the bottom of the hill, all was going fantastic till we both hit the speed bumps at a decent rate of knots then we realised the folly of our actions as we flew from the chairs, who’d have thought wheelchairs can’t do speed bumps? and landed on our faces making a helluva mess, I lost two lower teeth which opened up my lower lip, there was blood everywhere, Brian’s nose seemed to be everywhere on his face apart from where it should be but we could do **** all as we couldn’t move. We were found 30 odd minutes later as they did the night rounds and found us missing……..we got a helluva bollocking for that one and we both needed surgery the next day. Edenhall was a cracking place, beautiful grounds, loadsa good memories but mostly because I eventually managed to walk out of it unaided.
I have the bright idea of laying my testicle on the upper/downy bed table, as I’m positioning my testicle in just the right way to get a good pic I realise I could sit it on my coffee mug as it’s far too big to fit in it, and it would give her an idea of size/scale.
That's a coffee to keyboard interface moment!
Pffft, mrs_oab has given birth three times. You lot have nothing on her....
Not a procedure story, but........
I was recovering in hospital after a C5/C6 fusion. Due to having medical insurance with work, it was in a rather nice private hospital. Staffed by a seemingly endless procession of young, beautiful, blonde nurses.
My girlfriend (now wife) had been coming in to visit, every day at 2pm on the dot. This day, she managed to get there around 11am.
We're chatting about the usual stuff, when two of the aforementioned nurses come into my room and start reading my charts..
"Andrew" (Not Mr5390), one of them says, in a soft husky voice, "We've noticed you haven't showered since your op (3 days), if you're struggling, WE can help you if you'd like"
Both nurses are standing smiling at me, their eyes looking right into my soul. My mouth tries desperately to reply, but it won't work. I turn to look at my GF, who is also looking at me. But differently. The kind of look that says YOU FU**ING DARE.
I turn back to the nurses and meekly reply "It's okay, I'll manage" and lie there as an unfulfilled dream walks out the door. My GF now has some kind of triumphant smile on her face.
I showered alone later that afternoon.
In my own tears
It'll be 27 years on March 12th
I have the bright idea of laying my testicle on the upper/downy bed table, as I’m positioning my testicle in just the right way to get a good pic I realise I could sit it on my coffee mug as it’s far too big to fit in it, and it would give her an idea of size/scale
A carriage of train passengers are now wondering what I'm reading
When I broke my ankle there were two events at the hospital which created lasting memories. First one was after surgery, doctor came in and told that "it was quite a mess, we managed to get it together fairly well on third attempt and called it a day. One bone fragment is missing but it will disappear over time". There was hardware for few Ikea cupboards in my ankle.
Second event was related to nurses cupboard being run out of regular sized catheters and only large ones left.
Just dropping in at the end of page two to acknowledge that I could only get about 6 posts in and then had to bail. Good luck with the rest of your thread.
I got a piece of rusty metal in my eye which, I assumed, would work its way out. It didn't and the surface of the eye (sclera?) grew over it. Via a visit to the doctors, I eventually ended up strapped to a chair with some kind of Clockwork Orange-esque fitting around my head. The doctor put some local anaesthetic in my eye and proceeded to try to dig the piece of metal out with a small needle, all the time saying 'Don't move! Don't move!' How the hell he expected me not to attempt to move when I had a needle about to be poked into my eye I will never know.
Did I tell you I have a mild phobia of needles?
Just dropping in at the end of page two to acknowledge that I could only get about 6 posts in and then had to bail.
Indeed. I was expecting a mix of arseholes and bollocks, same as most threads. But this is really not for the squeamish. I'm not going to try to complete, though it has brought back a memory of having a minor (to them, not me) op to remove a varicocoel (extra lump in the bollyhocks region) in my early 20s. In those days that involved a stay the night before. I was woken early by a big bald bloke attaching a strop - a thick leather strap) to the metal bedframe above my head, and proceeding to start sharpening a cutthroat razor above my face.
When I asked what he was doing, he said he was going to give me a shave. I felt my chin (this was the early 80s, back when there were pubes) . Er no. I really shouldn't have asked about his hospital badge: hairdresser.
I paid a bloke £50 to lop off my cock and balls completely...
As I’m booked in for the snip soon I’m enjoying the stories
I've been thinking about it and this thread but moreso a similar running thread on a footy forum I go on which is, how shall we say it, far more leniently moderated than this place, has literally scared me to death reading the horror stories on there. Balls swelling to the size of pool balls and turning as black as the 8 ball after botched snips etc.
I'd tell you anyone particularly bad dental experience but I'm getting PTSD just thinking about it. Dentists are now my one phobia
Sitting on the edge of the operating table while the anaethetist worked out where to stick the large needle for the nerve block needed for the scheduled TURP. I'm told not to move as a miss could be a bit of a problem, there's a lovely theatre assistant supporting my shoulders to encourage the correct posture.
Anaethetist finds the right spot and I kick the nice young man in front of me as the reflex is triggered. We had a bit of a laugh as the consultant poked his head around the screen and decides I'm raving and need to go under general. Anaethetist says no (good man as the surgeon is the only man my wife has denigrated in their hearing, thinks he's god and no people skills) and TURP begins once we establish that I can't feel my feet.
Knees up with some tugging and pulling sensations for 30 minutes or so deep within me. Consultant then says he has to stop as any more removal will cause too much bleeding and slow recovery and now we'll put the catheter in.
Modesty by-pass a complete success!
ended up strapped to a chair with some kind of Clockwork Orange-esque fitting around my head. The doctor put some local anaesthetic in my eye and proceeded to try to dig the piece of metal out with a small needle, all the time saying ‘Don’t move! Don’t move!’
I have similar experience - the operation was so horrible that I couldn't really speak for rest of the day, just from the horror of the situation.
The doctor put some local anaesthetic in my eye and proceeded to try to dig the piece of metal out with a small needle, all the time saying ‘Don’t move! Don’t move!
Occasionally I had to assist an AMD clinic which involves injecting into the sclera, for most of the patients it was pretty routine, but it certainly sticks in the mind the first time you see it.
Scud is an old army nickname, my more common nickname amongst friends is Lucky Dick, mainly due to the fact i have stab wound (kitchen knife as a chef), shot with blank round, frostbite burns and a brake lever through my leg all within a couple of inches of little Scud..
I managed to stick the brake lever through my leg riding down part of the Road of Death in Bolivia, back wheel on cheap hire bike disintegrated and i went off dislocating shoulder, breaking arm and lever through leg. They screwed shoulder back on and re-located shoulder, but woke up next day in La Paz hospital in pool of blood as they'd missed leg wound.... they took me off to surgery with the sheets they place around the bit to be operated on, perfectly framing my bits and wheeled me through ladies ward to surgery.
The frostbite i randomly got working in a chicken and turkey abattoir as a student, second day on job and we had to carry the segmented chickens from packaging room at about +5 degrees into room where they were frozen down, got into taxi at the end of the day and was in extreme pain, basically the sweat froze on legs and groin as i was carrying between the two on thighs, went to York hospital and they asked if they could send me to burns unit in Leeds so they could "have a look", cue a constant line of student doctors coming to have a look at me as i sat there with my trolleys round my ankles..... they'd not seen frostbite outside of extremities before..i think i'm still in a few textbooks for that one!
For those of you that have not had membership of Club AF, one way that it can be addressed is RF ablation, essentially very focussed microwaving of the heart tissue around the pulmonary veins.
To get to where this needs to happen, at least with my op, they put a canula into your right femoral vein (the big one in your thing) at the groin and then shove the RF probe up that vein, through the wall of your heart (right atrium to left atrium) then zap around the pulmonary veins. This is mostly done under local, but the feeling of the probe zapping was like being stabbed with a pin in my chest, so I eventually asked for sedation.
That's not the fun part. You're on blood thinners for a long time before, during and after the zapping, so it bleeds and the immediate recover process is to lie down for an hour so the hole gels a bit, then sit up for a hour with a sandbag on for an hour, then have the dressing taken off. When the nurse came to take mine off, it had not gelled properly so blurted a healthy flow of blood onto the bed. Back to a dressing and sandbag.
STILL NOT THE FUN PART.
The fun part was the haematoma, the big mass of trapped blood under the skin. The nurse came to explain that it needed to be drained and did I want that to happen now, or tomorrow. I was on a ward with a bunch of old guys that had had heart bypasses and every single one said "Now". So I said "Now please". Said nurse then jammed a fist into my groin over the site and put his entire upper body weight onto it. Even breaking my arm was not so immediately painful. That filling where the block did not take and the dentist had to inject local into the exposed root? Pah, easy! No, this was painful; my fingers nearly went through the mattress.
Afterwards I had a bruise that was about the size of a dinner plate around my crotch.
Shout out to Papworth Hospital. Love your work.
thought of another one - one that really did embarrass me
40 ish years ago I had a hernia repair - open surgery in those day meaning 3 days in hospital. I was already working as a nurse and was given the choice of going into the hospital I worked at which I took as I could then skip waiting lists. Post op I was gasping for a fag so sneaked off into the toilets to have one - and of course I passed out! I was found by a bank nurse on the floor with my trousers round my ankles. Felt pretty stupid.<br />When I got back to work 3 months later my first shift back who was working on my ward? The same bank nurse Oops
in hospital for an MRI for a back injury - considerable pain so on some decent painkillers - told to go to a cubicle down the corridor to remove clothes and put on a gown and to return to the waiting area, so remove clothes, put on the gown but being not entirely with it I put it on like a coat (wrong way round so somewhat exposed) - and then got confused about where the waiting area was. Turns out I’d wandered towards the geriatric ward and was found by a stern nurse who gave me a second gown to put on the correct way round and ‘escorted’ back to where i was supposed to be.
Th one that sticks in my mind and always will tbf is I had just been wheeled down for open heart surgery, doc said my op would be about 6 and a half hours.
I'm lay on the bed in the room to be prepped for surgery, shitting myself and the anesthetist and his helper are shaving bits of my chest and arms for the pads to go on to monitor me.
It come to the bit where he was trying to insert a cannula to feed the anesthetic in and i moved a little bit and he tore my vein, I looked down and my arm was pissing with blood like I've never seen before. I could feel the panic they were both showing on their faces. Not good when you are about to have that sort of surgery!!
Luckily they found another vein and I was put to sleep very quickly !
The punchline to mine is, "how straight was it before?"
I’ve been thinking about it and this thread but moreso a similar running thread on a footy forum I go on which is, how shall we say it, far more leniently moderated than this place, has literally scared me to death reading the horror stories on there.
Don't let the stories put you off. I found having the snip to be lower on the pain scale than having my teeth polished/de-scaled. I'd have it done once a month if I could - Friday afternoon off work for the procedure and then strict instructions to lie on the sofa all weekend and do absolutely nothing - bliss!
First chest drain by a medical student whilst I was high on fentanyl. She was nervous, I didn't care. the Consultant was the star of 24h in A&E. How we laughed as she stabbed away. This was after the CT scan that looked like I'd eaten a phone, multitool and CO2 canisters!
BIL had his hip replacement under local anaesthetic wearing some headphones. Can still hear the saw, apparently. He was fine and walking within a day!
Years ago, i fractured occipital bone and my nose with someone elses head playing rugby, fracture ran up to the eye socket itself, so to have a good look around, they removed eyeball and left it kinda dangling on nerve, weird feeling to see straight forwards with one eye and down with the other!
As I’m booked in for the snip soon I’m enjoying the stories.
Don't worry it's not all horror stories, they're just the ones you read about.
Mine went fine, healed nicely, no issues at all. Aside from getting your balls out in front of strangers, but compared to the stories on here that's nothing to be concerned with.
I was advised not to drive, so got my wife to drive along with 3 young children in the car. They dropped me off and nipped in to town. I was all done and out in about an hour so they picked me back up and, as the clinic was close to the coast, suggested fish and chips on the seafront. I was still fully numb at that point, so foolishly agreed. By the time we were sitting on the pebble beach the anaesthetic was wearing off very quickly and I was regretting my decisions. That was a very long car ride home and I felt every bump. All while being constantly reminded that she'd had 3 cesarians every time I winced!
In my twenties during a fairly animated rendition of the act of love. Being a considerate lover, I was trying to delay climax for as long as I could and was teetering on the brink of it when I suddenly got the most sudden, sharp and unexpected pain of my life. A few seconds later (me now sitting on the edge of the bed) the second wave of pain came - I had a flash of pain all the way from my leg to my groin which was so bad that I think I got synaesthesia and saw it as a bolt of lightning. Cue me passing out, falling forward from the bed and smacking my head on some furniture.
Next thing I know my partner is screaming her head off trying to wake me up and calling an ambulance. One of my testes was about 4x it's normal size. Turns out I had an epididymal cyst which had exploded.
Think the highest head count was 9 clinicians in attendance in one small A&E booth with them repeatedly squeezing jumbo-teste and asking me to cough. To add to the embarrassment, my nether regions were in dire need of a trim at the time and covered in my own fluids.
I also had metal in my eye which somehow got past the safely glasses whilst grinding some mesh. Second trip to the eye hospital and after a rather late night due to not having to be on site until lunchtime, I found myself a little jittery with head firmly clamped in the stirrup again. The nurse had been poking around with a sterilised needle when suddenly she leapt back and said ‘You’ve got lots of coloured flecks in your iris haven’t you’! <br />I replied yes and she put the needle down.
‘I’ve been trying to dig them out for the last 5 minutes. I’d better stop now.’
Not me but does this count? https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-london-67961089
‘I’ve been trying to dig them out for the last 5 minutes. I’d better stop now.’
👁️🤦♂️😬🤯
I am physically cringing at the thought of that.
He then proceeds to demonstrate how you can identify the condition by holding up my knackers by the knob, and shining a pen torch from the back. Apparently, if you can’t see the light, it’s potentially a bad sign as it suggests the swelling may be solid tissue, rather than fluid.
DIY lava lamp.
I’ve been thinking about it and this thread but moreso a similar running thread on a footy forum I go on which is, how shall we say it, far more leniently moderated than this place, has literally scared me to death reading the horror stories on there.
Wouldn't stress it. I was in and out in an hour, could have gone back to work afterwards (but i get a paid day off for minor medical stuff). Driving was ok, i drove home after the procedure. Everything fully functional and working (well, not working) within the week. Pain free in 72 hours.
Nothing too serious from me.
Had endoscopies to check both sets of plumbing & drainage - was massively nervous when I saw the size of the endoscope to have a look in my bladder, thinking "that'll never fit down there!!" and then having a stranger hold your bits for 10 minutes whilst making a movie and filling your bladder with water.... and then asks you to pee into some funnel so they can measure flow rate...... longest piss ever!!!!
Other end endoscopy highlight was the the operator asking "do you want to see your appendix?" - all looked very odd!
Also had to go for a CT scan where they inject the tracer through the canular - apparently I have really good veins and they had no problem getting that in. Only issue was something moved/came off whilst they were out of the room - cue a weird feeling of having a wet arm and looking down to seeing what I thought was a lot (well probably not that much as a small bit goes a long way apparently) of blood pissing out all over my arm, the bed and floor - managed to attract someone's attention and 'clean up on isle 3' commenced - new sheets, gown and various other things and plenty of tape to ensure canular & attachments don't move again.
Oh I also had to have my kidney stones zapped - that was fairly straight forward apart from being given what can only be described as a 'bullet' for anaesthetic - when I asked how I was supposed to swallow it the nurse looked a bit sheepish and informed me it wasn't to be swallowed but 'inserted'........
Then during the procedure I got bored so decided to to have a look over my shoulder and see what they were doing, not a great idea as I ended up trapping a nerve in my neck and spent the next week off work on ridiculously strong painkillers.....
Oh and fluorescein angiograms are also great fun afterwards when you go to the loo and have bright green pee...... a great source of amusement when using a public urinal trough......
Another eye one here (not me but my granddad, but it lives with me). He used to get cysts on the back of his eye. The little operation he had done on a couple of occasions involved local anaesthesia followed by popping his eye out of the socket whilst they cleaned it up then bobbed it back in. However, as it was local anaesthesia, he could see out of the eye for the duration.
I have no idea if this is actually true - he was a bit of a tinker for winding us up, but it sounded believable at the time.
As I’m booked in for the snip soon I’m enjoying the stories.
Its not so bad, its an afternoon out of the house. I knew everyone in the theatre so had a nice chat as they washed my balls with warm iodine. A few paracetamol at home, two pairs of boxers to keep everything snug and then I rode the Puffer about 10 days later
The words flexible cystoscopy strike fear into my core.
I've just had this done this morning.
If I could offer any advice to anyone, ever, at anytime, it would be - try to avoid all situations where the outcome is having a camera shoved up your jap's eye.
