Critical, horrific, but yet hilarious medical procedures - what's yours?

Getting a jigga fly larvae dug out of my upper thigh was interesting as I could watch while it wriggled around (Zimbabwe)

Ther number of medical professionals that have seen my arse in the last couple of years is really not funny!  2x colonoscopies was not too bad but then I got an abcess on my arse.  Blew up over a weekend and by Sunday morning it was agony and the size of a golf ball.  I phoned NHS 24 at 6 am and got an appointment at urgent care for 10 am.  Went along to urgent care, dropped my trousers for the charming young female GP who took a look and instead of prescribing some oral antibiotics and maybe lancing it said " you are being admitted immediately, go over to surgical admissions" ( its all on the same site)  Off I toddle to surgical admissions, they already know I am coming over.  Get to drop my breeks again for the surgical junior doc who told me " IV antibiotics to start immediately, probable surgery, Ill get the Registrar to have a look"  then the nurse comes to check my arse and consider what sort of dressing to put on, the surgical reg comes along for a look and decides yes it does need surgery.  IV antibiotics started, admitted to a ward where you guessed it - various folk need to see my arse!
I was added to the weekend emergency surgical list and kept getting bumped down the list as more serious cases came in.  Eventually ( sunday teatime by now) they decided I woulds be added to the start on the monday morning list.  By this time it had burst so another round of lovely young female medical and nursing staff to examine my arse!
surgery is done and I get sent home - but will need daily dressings at my GPs for the next couple of weeks.  So off I toddle to the GPs to get the dressing changed.  Yes more nurses to see my arse!
I just ended up getting used to dropping my breeks so nice young ladies could see my arse.  I just need to remember only to do so in appropriate medical situations not in the pub!

Edit:  By the time I started the IV antiboitics I had cellulitus from knee to waist on that side and was probably only a few hours from septicemia

Had an injection into my eyeball a few years ago and, due to the anaesthetic, I had no control of my eye for a few hours after the procedure so could position it in any direction by flicking my head one way or t’other…

i have had far more than my share of medical procedures, but 2 that can raise a smile with mates are,

in my 30's i went for the snip, which is done at my local surgery, where my mates wife works as one of the nurses.

and we were and still are drinking friends.  so i am laid on the bed in the surgical room talking to the doctor, when in walks my mates wife, who is assisting the doctor. and who is present whilst the doctor paints my cock and balls with iodene and injects and the does the op.

and the second one, was only a couple of months ago.    i went for the prostate test, at a surgery attached to my doctors.    i was seeing a doctor who i have never seen before, who turns out to be a very young female doctor, maybe 21 i guess.    to say i was embarrassed i and huge understatement.

I've had the steroid injections into my shouder joint a few times, then surgery. Injection was weird, and yep, the needle is huge.

I will add due to complication's from the snip, a follow up operation was open up, nut out, pipework cut off, stitched back in in - the operation tok over two hours. On-going issues then meant I went in twice for steroid/botox injections direct into my left nut. I was surrounded by about five staff including the consultant each time. First time an older nurse 'stroked' MY ARM (not anything else), whilst I was jabbed, second time, there was a male nurse going decidedly green as the procedure was done.

I think when you need stuff doing, you just get on with any possible embarasment - remember the medical staff have seen it all many, many, times before.

Got nervous during the snip.
"It's been months since i've had two women playing with my balls at the same time."

Then giggled quietly to myself for about 20 minutes.

(Thankfully they both laughed.)

My last memory before I went under to get my broken hip bolted back together was seeing their tool wall, complete with Draper torque wrench. Draper ffs! Delay the operation, we're sending a taxi to my place to bring back my Norbar.

(earlier in the process, I was sent for xray, and after they took the shots the lady said "excellent, those are all fine". We were pretty much getting ready to leave before it turned out that this meant "these are really good xrays, clearly showing your leg's fallen off")

In my early 20s, I had an operation on a hydrocele (fluid in tissues of scrotum). Prior to that, they’d unsuccessfully drained it by inserting a large bore needle into my ballsack and drawn off the fluid, changing syringes half way through…
While in hospital for the op, the consultant comes round and asks if he can show some students - apparently hydroceles are uncommon in adult males - and proceeds to usher in about 6 young females while I’m lying on the bed with my kecks round my ankles. He then proceeds to demonstrate how you can identify the condition by holding up my knackers by the knob, and shining a pen torch from the back. Apparently, if you can’t see the light, it’s potentially a bad sign as it suggests the swelling may be solid tissue, rather than fluid.

Not really critical or horrific, but butt-hole related....

Had a skin tag which I elected to have removed mainly because it made wiping my arse a bit more of a process....

So I assumed the position in the hospital in a pretty open ward as it was only a quick procedure. The doctor explained that she was going to insert a needle into my butt hole to numb it. In she went.... I immediately shouted "Holy Pluck!!" (or similar....) across the ward as I've never experienced pain quite like it. I thought the doctor would at least see the funny side of the situation but she just looked stony faced to make things even more awkward.

I'm not sure how it was removed but I could smell burning flesh....I guess these things just get burnt off?! 

I was in hospital in my 20s having had a procedure that involved 'packing' up me rear end. Obviously it got entangled with dried blood etc so removing it was kin agony but they did do it in stages. I was face down on the bed, gripping the mattress, deep breathing and sweat on the forehead. Eventually the nurse said 'it's out', I replied 'is it a boy?', silence.

Got delivered the wrong floor when going for a hand operation. Orderlies had done one by the time the surgeon decided I wasn't Mrs miggs and should be 1 floor up.
Had to push my own trolley with a nurse out of theatre up the corridor to the lift.
Whilst wearing a girls dress designed for a 7 year old , on backwards barely covering my bits.
Whilst tripping on pre meds in a busy hospital.
Quietly crapping myself as my dad died a few months earlier after a hospital cock up during surgery . Fun times .

Two pylonidal sinus operations at the top of my butt cleft. I came round from the first one to a dainty nurse saying there was a fist sized hole at the top of my arse - no worries, she had small hands. Then the surgeon came in and said the hole was the size of his fist - he may have played No8 in the uni rugby team. The hole was so big he asked permission to use photos he'd taken for medical students. Over the next 4 months every trainee district nurse in Sussex got to admire the hole as it slowly healed from the base up.

18 months later had a similar, smaller op. Highlight of which was a cute district nurse getting a colleague to help her change the packing as my arse was too muscly for her to open the wound when I tensed up.

Then there was the vasectomy with not enough local anaesthetic....

Good grief. I got about 4 posts in. I can't read this it is making me really squirm 🤢

This meets the critical and horrific criteria but not hilarious. At least not to my eyes, though others may see the funny side

A prostate biopsy that should have been a day procedure was going okay. In the waiting area afterwards with a load of other fellas who'd had the same. Tea and biscuits and people were being released one by one, once they'd had a piss. Until there was just me left. I couldn't piss. Just a bloody dribble.

It was the end of the day and the one nurse left clearly wanted to go home. She impatiently had me drink another 3 glasses of water on top of the 2 cups of tea, convinced this would sort me out. Whilst tutting and looking at her watch.

The need to pee but the inability to do so was ****ing excruciating. It got worse and worse until I was squealing in agony. The nurse called another and he tried to catheterise me. 3 times. He couldn't get it past my battered, bloody prostate and trying to do so caused me to bleed profusely through my battered old man and scream in pain.

A doctor then came and produced a different catheter. A bigger catheter. Literally the thickness of a camelback drinking tube. A mini ****ing garden hosepipe. With an inflatable bulb on the end. He succeeded in fitting it but I swear I nearly passed out with the pain. I have never felt anything like it. What came out looked like raspberry coloured porridge.

I was then admitted and hooked up to a drip which flushed several litres of saline per hour through my  my bladder.

Overnight I was in a room on my own. Twice I had to hit the alarm button. Once when I woke, shivering uncontrollably and convinced I had sepsis.  I only had a single sheet on me and all the windows were open, I had become borderline hypothermic. The room was freezing. Blankets, a hot drink, a wooly hat and closing the windows resolved that.

Next. The drain bag for my catheter wasn't emptied when it should have been. But the drip was still in full flow so my bladder filled up rapidly like a space hopper and despite being on morphine, I squealed in pain again.

They had to keep flushing me until no more blood and bits of raw liver/mince meat were coming out of blokedownstairs. This took nearly 24 hours.

The final ignominy was having the catheter removed. The nurse tried and tried but it wouldn't come out. The now familiar excruciating, agonising, eye watering pain returned. She called the doc and the two of them pulled on the garden hosepipe like they were in some tug of war final. It eventually came out. That smarted a bit. I swore.

I could piss again and they let me go home. Apparently my reaction to a routine procedure was 1 in 100. Lucky me.

another snip story. My wife had refused to consider paying for a private job so I went via the GP, only to be told they didn't do them and had contracted out to Stopes anyway. All I had to do was to wait to rise to the top of their waiting list and then I'd be treated like a private patient.

Which meant a nice waiting room with a TV and complimentary coffee before my name was called. The nice nurse told me to strip off my bottom half in the ante room, and then come through. No gowns or owt, just Winnie-the-Pooh style. 'Oh, but leave your socks on, the floor's cold' was her parting advice.

So my first meeting of the doctor and other staff that were doing my op was hardly presenting me in my best light.

Once on the bed, a few questions answered and then they start. Which means, placing a sheet over my nethers, with a hole cut in it, and pulling the meat and two veg through it. Which they then liberally paint (yep, with a brush) with iodine solution.

After that, frankly they could have done anything as long as it was fast and didn't involve eye contact. But they still had one last trick up their sleeve, just a bit too little anaesthetic, which the doctor found out a microsecond after me.

Earlier on in my career I was involved in many a defecating proctogram(look it up!).

We used to mix up the barium paste with smash instant mash before it was inserted into the rectum and then pooped back out👍

MY consultant wants me to do one of them!

Earlier on in my career I was involved in many a defecating proctogram(look it up!).

We used to mix up the barium paste with smash instant mash before it was inserted into the rectum and then pooped back out👍

We all need a hobby I suppose.

also a mate - who is a very hairy man - one of our mutual friends managed (in the days before easy access to Photoshop) to mock up a letter from the hospital requesting that he shave the area prior to his snip. Something that isn't actually needed but created much mirth when he arrived looking like a clearing in a particularly dense forest.

Er  ive a few.

Miss diagnosed a t12 fracture. Stood up and I fell over.

Also had my balls smothered in idoidine.  

Had a tube into my nose into my stomach. When I swallowed my nose twitched. When they pulled it out it was like i was throwing spaghetti up through my nose.

I had an artificial PIP joint put in my middle finger, under an arm block so I was awake. Forewarning - I'm a pussy.

I was not a good patient, as in I was quietly(ish) shitting myself the whole time at my finger being cut wide open and various bits of dremel action on my bones.  Noise, smells, vague sensation of being cut apart - that stuff. Think it went on for about an hour with oodles of students watching on.
The anesthetist was an absolute legend though, and kept coming into to chat to me as he realised I was a bit freaked out by it all - eventually he got to me in a state of relative calm just as the surgeon said "right, joint's in. Do you want to have a peek at it all before we stitch up?".

"**** no" apparently wasn't the answer he expected.

However, I also learned that day how utterly brilliant anesthetists are.

I broke my back and shoulder three years ago. Two things stick in my mind: 1. they got the pros from Dover* in via the air ambulance to administer the morphine & ketamine mix to get me to hospital (wow)! 2. The not so good was shitting myself (literally) in hospital and having young nurses clear it up. I’d never felt so powerless. 😢

*not actually Dover, it’s a line from M*A*S*H.

As I'm booked in for the snip soon I'm enjoying the stories.

Not a critical procedure but a funny one I think that happened to me was as folows . I was seeing a chiropracter for back pain and had been a few times . She was an attractive 30 is year old and I was about 50 at the time . Whale she was massaging my back I thought that I was going to pass wind so I said to her could you just stop for a moment , something's happening to me below the waist . It was only when I got home that I realised that she might have mis interpreted what I had said . So next week I thought that I would clarify the situation as I didn't want her to think that I had meant that I was getting a hard on . Anyway I said to her I hope you didn't think that when I said something is happening below the waist that I was getting aroused , I actually meant that I was about to fart . She was quite horrified that I might have even considered that she thought I meant that I was getting aroused and was quite embarrassed although she did share with me that once she was massaging a teenage boy and he ejaculated . I curbed the urge to ask if that was an available extra .

The words flexible cystoscopy strike fear into my core. On the plus side seeing the inside of your bladder on a video screen is a bit like watching the 1966 sci-fi film Fantastic Voyage... one the downside, well, you can imagine.

Being asked if I wanted to see my own skull before they stitched my eyebrow back together, apparently not a lot of folk get to see their own skull.
Being asked to purse my lips and blow so the nurse could find all the holes in my face when I did a spectacular faceplant on the way to work (still managed to get the Friday doughnuts and be in for just after 11).
Had a young doc pin my wrist to the arm of a chair while a registrar dug around in a hand wound without any anesthetic. The nurse suggested they stop before I started hitting folk, not sure I could have managed the pain was excruciating. Mind you I jumped to head of the consultants queue on the Monday morning as it wasn't a fight injury.

As I’m booked in for the snip soon I’m enjoying the stories.

I went for a pre-op check before mine. A woman came into the room, told me she was the surgeon who I'd be seeing when i came back for the op, then had a good old feel around the meat and two veg. Never saw her again....

If its a cold morning, and you are first on the couch, it becomes microsurgery....

A mate was using a beard trimmer to clear the area ahead of his snip - managed to slice his sack wide open. Ended up in A&E with a bloody towel holding his jewels in place.

Another mate had a circumcision the same time as his snip - one got infected, he had 3 months off work unable to wear anything more than a very baggy t-shirt.

To cheer you up, dig out the Home Improvement vasectomy episode on YouTube. Very funny.

Camera in my knob to take a sneaky peek at my bladder, not SLR sized but big enough. There were half a dozen people in the room at the time too no idea what they were all doing.

That reminds me of a mate called Bruce.
He and Mrs Bruce were getting very romantic in front of the open fire, lights off, soft music, Hessian carpet.
After rather enthusiastic romance Bruce is impressed by his own exertions and rolls over. Mrs Bruce goes to top the drinks putting a side light on. Turns out the sheen of perspiration was in fact blood. Both of them looking like something Jeffery Damer hadn't quite finished.
Turned out he'd managed to catch his old man on a sharp bit of the carpet and was fanning blood. Unfortunately to more attention it drew the less able he was to loose rigidity. Just about flaccid at hospital but the attention of nurses reversed that, which made it easier to find the minute nick.

Oh and following on from all my snip horror story, I've been on testosterone since the second operation. Tried injectios for a bit but the needles are massive, whilst the injection didn't hurt, I limped for a week after. Not much fun when injections are every two weeks. 

Lets say, when lying on my back with a broken spine, the nurses shat themselves at the size of the needle, so made the matron do them. Except the matron was a very attractive woman in her mid to late 20's having to stick a big needle into a middle aged man's ass. 

Whale she was massaging my back I thought that I was going to pass wind so I said to her could you just stop for a moment , something’s happening to me below the waist .

Not a medical story but I used to go to military style bootcamp, and one of the exercises that was frequently part of 5 minute abs that ended the session was to lie on the ground on your back with your oppo stood up, with their feet either side of your head. You grab their heels to anchor you down and raise your legs up to them, and then they throw them back at the ground, to front and sides randomly, while you have to try and stop them reaching the ground.

All going well until I can feel a fart brewing, quickly getting to 'enemy at the gates' level, and then the effort of resisting allowed a tiny squeak to pop out. I say tiny....it was enough to make the rest of the group prick up their ears in a 'was that a fart?' way.

God knows what possessed me to attempt another rep. But it certainly helped answer the question, yes, that was a fart and so was this. 

Nothing anywhere near as horrific as some of the above. Had a lumber puncture which seemingly involved having a rapier shoved in my spine. Had a endoscopy where the machine stopped working halfway up my arse passage. Second time around and there was a tricky piece of poo that the camera couldn’t get around. The mission to view my bowel was a failure.

A long time ago

(Friend rings) “Have you got any superglue?”
“Yes, why?”
“I’ve cut the end off my thumb with a kitchen knife”
“I am not taking you to A&E (in a hospital we’d both worked in) with your thumb hanging off and covered in glue. I’m coming to get you and we’re going straight there”

We got there, cadged the necessary equipment from the ED nurses (this being a long time ago when such things were accepted), and mate ended up having her thumb stitched up by a mutual acquaintance who was on call, in the doctors’ mess, without any local as that was the one thing we couldn’t blag.

When I was a surgical trainee, I removed various objects from various orifices.

I had to go to A&E as a kid because I’d wedged a Lego man’s head in my nostril.

I was in a cubicle in A&E when I first did my foot waiting for a specific surgeon to come down and assess what could be done. I was in some pain and had already had as much morphine as they would give me so I asked if they could get the surgeon NOW!!!! The nurses rushed over the the desk to discuss what to do without caring that a curtain isn't sound proof.

Nurse 1 - Can we get anyone to see him more quickly?
Boss Nurse - No, Mr XXX is an expert and we need his opinion.
Nurse 1 - But he is in cubicle 6 and is getting quite distressed.
Boss Nurse - Oh, that guy. He's going to want that amputating, send anyone then.

Fortunately MR XXX turned up a few minutes later and I didn't get the amputation but it was a thoughtful few minutes.

Well on the vasectomy front mine when wrong and I got an infection and had a supporting wound that needed a month of antibiotics. The last GP I saw was the Mam of someone in my son's primary school class. I stood there with my pants down her kneeling in front of me having a good look and taking swabs, very embarrassed. But not as embarrassed as when I saw her at the school gates later on that day🤣 Sadly I'm not shooting blanks after all that and I declined the offer of them having another go.

The other one was due to what I thought was hemeroids, but turned out to be a heamatoma on my anal sphincter. The nice lady doctor basically hand her fingers in.my arse trying to do the equivalent of squeezing a massive spot, decided she needed a scalpel in the end to nick it and get it all out! Jesus did I squeal and squirm! 🤣

The words flexible cystoscopy strike fear into my core. On the plus side seeing the inside of your bladder on a video screen is a bit like watching the 1966 sci-fi film Fantastic Voyage… one the downside, well, you can imagine.<br /><br />

I’ve had 33 of those procedures (yearly) due to breaking my spine and damaging my spinal cord 33 years ago and needing to self catheterise every time I need a piss, my penis has probably been fondled/thrown around/grasped/viewed by at least a few hundred student Dr’s in that time. I should demand an award or something.

When you’ve self catheterised at least 8 x day x 365 x 33 years (approx 100,000 times) you could prob shove a garden hose up there and I wouldn’t blink

All I can say is, thanks for sharing folks. If I meet any of you in real life please please please, unlike the medics I don't want to see your arse, meat n two veg, etc.

Mrs (Dr) a11y's told me some stories from her work that I can't repeat - nothing fazes medics it seems. You might be utterly mortified about your experience, it's likely to be nothing memorable or out the ordinary for them 🙂

Oh I have a few tales from the other side as well 🙂

Broke my neck a few years ago (C2 vertebra) and had to have a halo brace fitted.

It's screwed into your skull... In 4 places... While you're awake...

The anesthetic wasn't working on one of areas of my forehead but he had to proceed anyway.

Before he started to turn the screws, he told me to keep my eyes closed (like I wasn't planning to anyway!), because the screws go through the muscles that control your eyelids so if I didn't I wasn't going to be able to blink until it was removed again, 3 months later! 

Not sure this quite qualifies but the weirdest test I’ve ever had was an Evoked Potential Test. This basically involves starting at an alternating chess board pattern for about 20 mins whilst your brains n waves are measured. Every bit as weird as it sounds but actually quite fascinating too.

oh and if the worst test you ever have is a finger up your bum, you’re winning at life 😉

MY consultant wants me to do one of them!

In the biblical sense?

nothing fazes medics it seems

Not true. I cannot deal with anything involving fingernails.