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But they've got to be good "crap" jokes 🙂 And old jokes allowed and encouraged...!
I'll start...
What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals?
Philippe Philoppe.
Interrupting cow.
went to the zoo the other day. was really disappointed as they only had one dog on display....it was a shitzu!
Interrupting cow
Very much so, you haven't even knocked yet!
Did you here about the man with two left feet?
He bought himself a pair of flip-flips
A woman is sitting at her deceased husband’s funeral. A man leans in to her and asks, “Do you mind if I say a word?”.
“No, go right ahead”, the woman replies.
The man stands, clears his throat, says “Plethora”, and sits back down.
...
“Thanks”, the woman says, “that means a lot”
Whats pink and hangs out your trousers?
Your Mum
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef
Emergency exits. I hear they are on the way out.
What's pink and hard in the morning...
The Financial Times crossword.
I hate Russian dolls. They are so full of themselves
What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No eyed deer
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
Still no eyed dear
What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs and no ears in a southern European county?
Sill deaf in Italy no eyed dear
(deep breath) What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs, no ears, in a layby, on fire, in a southern European country?
Still deaf in Italy flaming no eyed dear, by the way.
There're ten Glaswegian cows in a field. Which one's on holiday?
The wan wi' the wee calf.
There're ten Glaswegian cows in a field. Which one's an Arab?
Coo eight.
A skeleton walks into a bar and asks for a pint of lager and a mop.
what's orange and sounds like a parrot?
Knock Knock
Who's there?
The Gestapo
The Ges..
*slaps reponder across face with glove*
SILENCE! We will ask the questions!
Why did the baker have smelly hands?
He kneaded a poo
Top marks, these are brilliant 🙂
A penguin drives down to the seaside but his car breaks down just as he arrives. He takes the car to a local garage and the mechanic agrees to check it over but can't do it for a couple of hours.
While waiting the penguin, not wishing to ruin his day out, decides to go down to the beach and have an ice cream.
A couple of hours later he returns to the garage and asks the mechanic what's wrong with teh car. The mechanic tuts and says "Looks like you've blown a seal".
To which the penguin says "It's just a bit of ice cream!"
Why do french people only have one egg for breakfast?
Because one egg is un oeuf.
**
What do you call a man with a rabbit up his arse - Warren
What do you call a man with no arms and legs in the sea - Bob
What do you call a man with a slice of bacon on his head - Hamed
What do you call a man with 2 slices of bacon on his head - Mohamed
What do you call a man with 2 slices of bacon on his head in a narrow passage between two houses - Mohamed Ali
Did you hear about the constipated accountant?
He worked it out with a pencil.
What do you call a fish with no i?
fsh
How does Bob Marley like his doughnuts?
Wi' jam in.
What do you call an Irishman with a pane of glass behind each ear?
Paddy O'Doors
Two fish in a tank.
One says "Have you a license to drive this thing?"
Fish swims into a wall.
Dam.
What do you call a lady who can juggle 5 pints and play snooker with her feet at the same time?
Beartrix Potter
Whats brown and sticky?
A stick.
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef
What do you call a cow with 2 legs?
Lean Beef
What do you call a cow with one leg stuck in a Vampire?
Steak
What's got 2 legs and bleeds?
Half a dog
The Forum update
Went to the Zoo the other day .. stood there for a while trying to figure out why there was a French stick sat there in the middle of the enclosure.
Zoo keeper wandered by so said mate whats in here ?
Oh that ... Its bread in captivity
The Forum update
I am not sure that one will emerge at Edinburgh fringe, too unique an audience level...
A rabbit walks into a bar and says to the barman " I'll have a pint of lager ..and what have you got left to eat "
The barman says " We've been really busy so just snacks..crisps , nuts ..or there is a few toasted sandwiches left "
Rabbit says " perfect ..I will have a cheese & tomato ..and I will sit over in the corner while I'm waiting for my mate " ..
10 minutes later the rabbit walks back to the bar and says " Looks like my mate is running late and I'm still a bit peckish ..what have you got left "
Barman says " There is just a corned beef & onion ..do you want it "..
" Yeah " says the rabbit .."Im still sitting over in the corner ..will you point my mate over this way when he comes in "
5 mins later another rabbit walks in and the barman says " You must be meeting you're friend..he is over there in the corner "
"Are you sure" says the second rabbit ..before noticing his mate slumped under the table and frothing at the mouth ..
Dashing over he sits his mate up and says " what's happened "..
The first rabbit says " I'm in a bad way ..I think it's down to mixinmytoasties"..
the parrots stood on a perch... one says to tother
"can you smell fish?"
One snowman says to the other snowman......"Can you smell carrots?"
Did you hear about the dyslexic yorkshireman?
he was wearing a cat flap
I bought a load of stolen inflatables off a bloke in the pub and now the police are knocking on my door...
gonna have to lilo for a while!
Why are native American chiefs buried on the top of hills?
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Because they're dead.
Why did Tarzan have a headache?
He can't get any painkillers 'cos the parrots eat 'em all*
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say it out loud - paracetamol
Recently ive found out somebody is adding soil to my garden
The plot thickens
I was struggling to find some brown sugar in Tescos earlier, I found all the white sugar but the brown stuff, dem a rarer.
What should you do if you see a spaceman?
Park in it dude!
Snow White woke up feeling happy but happy got up so she felt grumpy instead.
knock knock?
Who's there?
I dun up
I dun up who......?
A jealous husband was charged with battering his unfaithful French wife to death with a fish.
Police are calling it a crime of poisson.
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Did you hear about the massive explosion at the coconut factory? Apparently the workforce have been desiccated.