[Closed] Coping

Thanks again. Hard day today. She has gone, and agreed to stay out of the house at night.

I have agreed that she can visit the kids, and use the facilities to cook their tea etc - I still think it's important that they see as much of their mum as possible.

We have worked out a timetable, when she is there I will be in te gym (our garage) so I'll look like arnie by the time I'm ready to look for a date!

We also looked at finances, she contributes or oughly 2/5 of the spend towards bills, she will continue to send her share over to me (or should I say her share of the kids expenses, ie half the cost of the utilities)

^ I'm confusing myself

She spoke about the new lad, it's the real deal for her, no way I can compete with that. Everything is through that filter.

Sorting bank tomorrow.

Going for a coffee with the kids to out mates house later, but thanks again - the on and offline support I am getting has blown me away.

Nothing I can really add - certainly not experientially. However, it's worth having a look at this. The classic change curve.

Don't assume, even when you're ploughing on with banks and lawyers and setting up new routines, that you've piled through it. It's likely you're earlier on in it than you realise. Just be aware of that when the dust settles - it's a process you'll go through - that we all go through at times of change - and you will get to a good place again when you've been through it.

BTW, you're doing an amazing job. Your kids should be very proud of you. Chin up and good luck.

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I did the running off with someone else thing, just for some perspective from the other side. At the time it seemed like the right thing to do, like I had no alternative, but it didn't work out.

I suspect, one day, she will struggle with the guilt and the betrayal and all those other things, and will not really like the person she is at the moment, but, at the moment, she can't really see it.
(sorry for all those commas, it's not easy to put into words)

Things change.
Life is about change, but most of the changes are gradual so we get a chance to adjust to them. These kind of changes are sudden, so adjusting is tough because you have to deal with stuff while you begin to come to terms with it.

I've no advice, just a view from her point of view... trying to deal with the whole collapse of a relationship, plus children, plus the emotional high of a new relationship is tough, not as tough as your sense of betrayal and anger and almost desperation to just make things OK again.

Time doesn't heal things, but it does give a sense of perspective, and things work out the way they work out, for better or for worse, for you and for her.

I went back, or rather was asked to come back and went, and it's OK now, but I'd rather throw myself off something very high than live that period of my life again.

What Crikey said, everything comes round to bite you one day.

Although I do have a bit of a devil may care attitude these days to life in general.

You seem to be remaining sensible which can't be easy and should be admired. Best of luck with your new life.

Sounds to me like you are doing a great job and that you have shown your mettle at a very difficult time. It's stuff like this that shows exactly what you are about. All the best wishes to you, and what a place this forum is eh?! 🙂

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All the best to you. Sounds crap, but you are concentrating on the kid's happiness, which is THE right thing to do. Power to you, sir.

Daughter sobbing in bed, son upset downstairs.

I am trying to keep it together, but have swing between rage, anger, pleading, crying, swearing and shouting today...so not the zen like behaviour you are thinking. None of this in front of kids/anyone else.

Using some work strategies to focus on future positive outcomes. Who knows, it might help.

Life is hard.

Stay clam for the children.

When you are going through hell, just keep going.
easier said than done but you are doing it now.
Take care

roper

future positive outcomes

Whatever else, keep this front & centre.

I don't know you from Adam, mate - beyond the fact that you're a mountain biker & a STWer - and I can't add anything to what's already been said... except to say that a whole bunch of people on here are keeping you in their thoughts.

Best of luck to you.

The raging, the anger, the spontaneous sobbing - its all part of it I'm afraid & you have to work through each one as it comes. It won't be comfortable but you WILL come through it, & come through it a more rounded person.
I did. (no kids in my case so lots easier)

I'm 64 months further down the line from where you are at the moment & i can promise you this.
What is now a throbbing, visceral, horrible nightmare will become nothing more than a half remembered bad dream dissipating in the bright morning sun.

It will be better, your life WILL be better.

Good luck.

My wife left me in 2006 for an older guy, to be honest we didn't get on anymore but it was difficult splitting up with 2 kids aged 10 & 7.

8years later and I have been re-married for 4yrs with 2 gorgeous baby daughters aged 2yrs and 7months, and a wife that is the best!!! (I'm 43)

Do your best to keep calm, be there for your kids and stay proud and strong in front of your ex, long term you'll respect yourself for how you coped in a shit situation.

What Crikey & Muddydwarf said. I went through all this crap in 1992 when my missus bogged off with my good mate. Theyr'e well divorced & she's in a crappy place, he's married some Phillipino bird.
'What goes around, comes around'. You'll be ok before she is. Seen it loads of times.

Glad things are going OK you seem to be dealing with everything in a very sensible manner, I'm sure you'll be the one coming out the other side smelling of roses if you carry on the way you are 🙂

A lot of people are a lot more forgiving than me... About not burning bridges etc, I would stay in touch for arranging time with the kids but that would be as far as any conversations would go.

Plot twist. She has just phoned begging for foegiveness.

It's her first night away from the kids, she said she thought 'what the **** am I doing?'

Will she do it again is my 1st thoughts. Is she sorry for the kids only? She should be sorry for what she's done but are you included in the 'sorryness'?

Unsurprisingly she sounds very confused. Stay cool, give her space, and in your own time, suggest counseling. Don't make rash and rapid decisions, in whatever respect. IMHO

Need to have a big think over next few days.

Only you can answer that question, personally I am not sure I can forgive her, but you are not me. maybe you can use it as a lever to go to relate, etc but I personally wouldn't let her back in just yet.

Trust is some thing that is earn't not just handed out,

Bloody tough decision, good luck

Don't rush back into anything mate.
Take your time and try and stay rational.
Make the descision yours not hers.

Like I said, been there, got that t shirt, would not ever like to go there again.

If you really love her, you might be able to live with her again, but not yet..

What SSS said. Everything's now on your terms. Do not go thinking stuff like, 'thank god, she's sorry & want's me back'
**Only speaking from experience mind & may not be applicable in every case**

ernie speaks sense.

As others have said - don't entertain taking her back........for a good while. Make it easy for her to see the kids, without him. It may well be that she's messed up big time and is regretting it, but distance that idea for now - that's her problem.
Sounds like you're doing well, so stick in.

Need to have a big think over next few days.

You spelt drink wrong.

I certainly won't be telling you what to do but having driven round thatparticular block once I realised that actually the damage was done and there was no way back. In my case her feeling sorry was actually for herself.

Similar thing happened to me last year. In fact, we were having work done on the house at the time also. I was with her for over 7 years and whilst we didn't have kids, I can relate.

Focusing on the kids will help and it sounds like you are already handling this better than I did.

I would imagine that you will be all over the place for a while yet but just ride the storm and it will calm eventually.

We have been speaking since my last post. She's at her mums, so has probably had a good chat with her as well.

I believe that it was a genuine real feeling, an infatuation...and the reality of what life would be like on our own frightened her. She allowed herself to get carried along on this wave of emotion (don't forget, it's been a month only)

She has given me some details which suggest she is being upfront about what happened, what she's feeling etc. obviously, I have to acknowledge that her mind is bit confused with all this...and my concern is that it could be a different story days/weeks down the line.

Throughout this I have maintained that I love her. That hasn't changed. My first reaction tonight was one if joy, not suspicion or 'I told you so'. I know I need to protect me, and the kids...but I would be lying if I said I couldn't work through it. Those that know us will hopefully agree that we weren't an unhappy couple.

We are going to keep talking tomorrow. I know many of you reading this will be screaming at the screen...but in 20 years time I need to look back and say I did what I could for my family, and for my happiness. My wife features in this.

Again, it's threads like this (and all the 'serious' ones) where we put aside our online spats and are there for one another. You all rallied round when she had the stroke, and this thread has been my 24/7 helpline. Thank you all. And stu...is the offer of that fat bike ride still on?

sc-xc - Member

I know many of you reading this will be screaming at the screen...but in 20 years time I need to look back and say I did what I could for my family, and for my happiness. My wife features in this.

I am not screaming but rather wish you work it out so that the family can be whole again.

Living is hard.

This ^^^. No screaming here either. There have been plenty of similar threads here which are far more straightforward but your wife's illness puts a very different spin on things.

Wishing you a happy result.

i have absolutely nothing constructive to add i'm afraid.i just wanted to wish you well sc-xc.

you are a greater father than mine ever was (whoever he is?)

good luck mate.

Keep the faith, Brother.

Those that know us will hopefully agree that we weren't an unhappy couple.

Have to agree with that.
You seemed pretty solid to me.
It'd be great to see both of you happy again but please don't rush back into anything.

And stu...is the offer of that fat bike ride still on?

OP glad to hear that things are looking better but as I and others have said, would suggest that you go to relate and also to the GP etc to get some more advice on her recovery before you get back together proper.

Hopefully this was the only time it will happen but it's got to be worth seeing a professional to talk/work through a few things to see if you both feel the same and the trust can be rebuilt?

Good luck mate.

There is always a violent OMG moment with these things.
It will never be the same whichever way this goes.
Three weeks is the minimum time before she comes back. It must be long enough to create a routine for both of you and not a come back in because I can't cope with staying somewhere else scenario.
Do the talking face to face somewhere neutral and not via text etc.
Why didn't she go to his or have I missed something?

She says he was the catalyst, but she told him nothing could happen while she was married.

Her logic was, split up with me - then get a place, then start a thing with him.

I have been reading today about how strokes affect decision making, and it seems this is a classic thing (that I read diminishes the further from the stroke event you get)

It's like a switch has flicked back in her head, a realisation that the whole thing was daft.

We have both booked the day off work tomorrow to talk.

Good luck T. Glad you've done some research. Hope this is just a blip due to her brain which is beyond her control

Anyway, cracking day, ride!

thoughts and best wishes to you, fellow forum member..

Just read through this sc-xc. Good luck with everything mate. Again this thread is proof that good things can come of a bunch of strangers. My ex left me over Christmas past, and it was the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with. Time has worked wonders for me.

All the very best with it, hope it works out in the end.

Glad to hear that things are looking more positive, but remember to remain cautious about the eventual outcome.

(Been there, done that etc). ((On more than one occasion)).

I know. I expect things will get a lot worse before/if they get better.

Not necessarily, they don't always, but it just pays to be mindful in the event of any future dips.

But you do seem to have handled it all in a very mature way. Good on you - your kids have a great dad there.

It might be an odd way of thinking about it, but you've really nothing to lose; if she comes back and it gradually works out, all good. If she comes back and it doesn't, she's already hurt you as much as possible, so you're no worse off than you are now.

Mrs crikey said much the same to me when I returned. She suggested that I couldn't make her feel any worse than when I left, so she was much less concerned about it happening again.

Then she stabbed me.
With a breadknife.

Not really... 😉

Thanks fellas. I hope it works out, but there is work to do.

And I'm only doing what I know all is parents would do...you have to put a brave face on it all don't you?

If I could buy you all a beer, I would.

I'm sure we can all forward our pay pal gift details!

Not really...

carving knife?

I have been warned against using paypal gift on this site.... Otherwise I would.

🙂

Seems more like we should all be buying you a beer fella, not the other way around.

Good luck with it all.

Honest with you about there being someone else and her feelings
Did the honourable thing and moved out
Discussed finances in a civil manner
Honest about how she now feels

Those things say to me she likes and respects you and probably for good reasons. You're still the guy she married, father of her kids and the guy who's stuck with her through difficult times. The fact you're distraught says she means a lot to you.

If she really wants to go let her. If she wants to come back welcome her with open arms. Which is the reason I've posted on the thread, I disagree with those who suggest caution, if you still love her show it.

That's sort of how I see it. A kind of respect for her....which feels mad considering what has happened.

Thanks for a different viewpoint. Every single part of me wants this to work, but I have my eyes open.

sc-xc. Been through a difficult divorce so just want to say good luck. Calm communication is a big positive. You seem to have the measure of the options, I'd only add one of my life lessons "regret what you don't do, not what you do". Meaning if it feels right to you hen usually better to go that route.

I have to say I'm glad to hear that you are talking. There are quite a few bitter pepole on here, and I was expecting to hear the usual cries of 'run!'

It's good that you are being open minded about it all. Life isn't black and white, not like the movies. Relationships can be very complex and strange, and still work. I've known a few people who have unsual relationships, including one where the girl would have regular infatuations with someone else, for a few weeks at a time.

From experience of working with stroke patients, Strokes do affect your thinking, sometimes minimal but sometimes quite a bit,and its those closest that suFfer, try some counceling GP and Relate etc.

Hope everything works out, but it takes 2.

Talk
Lay everything out in front of her and make sure she is the one that tells the kids and family's
if she continues on leaving you.

Would it last ? probably one or two years. But make sure YOU are not the one leaving the home !
Another wake up call would to be putting the home on the market, which certainly not be her idea of what was going to happen.
Get professional help and advice

You do know how good 'making up sex' is don't you 😉

Another wake up call would to be putting the home on the market...

No don't do that, it would just be seen as "punitive" behaviour, or just cutting your nose off to spite your face.

TBH sc-xc from skimming the thread you've behaved about as maturely as anyone could have hoped to under the circumstances, well done on that score.

Now is the time to remain calm, clearly tell her just how much she has hurt you and potentially your family, be clear that you do not consider yourself to be "responsible" for the situation, do not tell her you want her home just yet, simply state that you want to get to the best resolution for everyone (you, her and the kids) and then leave it up to her to propose something.

Same thing happened to me some years back - like you I had no inkling. Then she dropped her bombshell, adding that she wanted to have his child, which she proceeded to do. Like you, I just wanted her back. Hopefully yours will have a happier ending.

Best advice i can give is to lay off the booze completely and keep it civil as you are, admirably.

Good luck.

Hope you're doing OK SC-XC.

Just an update, we are going to make a go of it. She has gone to see the stroke association who have referred her to a psychologist...it seems she never mourned the stroke/loss back then, and whilst my wife would not want to look for excuses, it seems this type of behaviour is not unheard of.

It appears this other guy was right words, right time. We are working through it, because no matter how much I try and be the tough guy...I love her, and want to support her and our family through this.

Once again, thank you all so much. It was a 24/7 support service. I am renewing my subs as a kind of thank you, and will happily buy anyone a pint if they are ever in the area. Stu/houns/Daz I will make this happen sooner rather than lat.

I owe you all one.

Fingers crossed for the happy ending you need.

😀

yeh, best of luck !

Nice one!

That is indeed excellent news! Well done!

Forgiveness is the most liberating and loving thing anyone can do. And when we truly forgive, our lives become clearer.

Respect.

Good news and good luck.

Good news OP, hope it works out.

Good luck & best wishes to you both.

Made my weekend.
Good luck.
Rich.

What slackalice said about forgiveness.

Good luck 🙂

Nice one Tom.
Doesn't mean you're getting out of a ride with me though.

Well done!

LIKE. 🙂

Most of us don't know you (the couple) very well. You (the man) no doubt have friends that do, some you may have already confided in and there may be others you'd be happy to talk with. I have a question for them, "what do you think makes our relationship work and what does she see in me?" A friend once told me that out of the blue. I was initially surprised but realised he was right and have since made sure I live up to it.

If she's on the pill offer to take responsibility for a while to see if she feels better. There are more side effects than they list in the packet IME.

Really do hope it goes well for you both. Forgiveness is very liberating but be careful. It will take a long while to work it al out. It seems to me that you are a thoughtful and sensible bloke who should be proud of how you conducted yourself through this nightmare.

That is good news. I hope everything works out for you both on this new stage of your journey together.

Fingers crossed for you both, and your kids.

All the best mate. Hope it works out.

best wishes for the outcome you want..

I followed the start and end of the thread and not the middle. You struck me as very responsible in you approach to a very difficult time. From your posts I do feel that there is a strong possibility that this is really all about your wife's stroke and not about you your relationship as such or the other man.
I hope she heals and so does your relationship. Best wishes for you and your family.