Thanks squin. Trouble is, I love her, and I genuinely believe we were happy. She even said it a few weeks ago....'we are the happiest we've ever been'
See if you can get one of her family/friends to suggest a visit to the Doctor.
The suggestion won't sound right coming for you, but it could be part of her injury following the stroke.
Please don't take this the wrong way, but I remember seeing a documentary on C4 or maybe 5 about people who were "nymphomaniacs", one woman had received a brain injury and literally couldn't go out of the house without meeting someone and screwing them. It was a result of her injury. I'm not trying to be clever or make light, it's a genuine concern for you and your family.
Here's a link from Headway, the least lurid that I could find:
https://www.headway.org.uk/heather-howland.aspx
You have my sympathies mate
You could always take the "Geordie" approach to this...
Round up yer mates, find the 26 year old lover and beat the living crap out of him.*
*seriously DON'T do this, the "Canadian" approach is better
Round up yer mates, find the 26 year old lover and have your mates hold him down whilst you rev a chainsaw in the direction of his groin whilst screaming "I'll give you a s..gging you wont forget!" **
**seriously DON'T do this either, I'll put my sensible head now.
Been here, got the t-shirt and actually caught to ****t coming out of my house one time.. suffice to say I had "a little moment" all over him that ended up with the police in attendance, whilst satisfying it's not recommended and I was bloody lucky his family told him that he had been a right knob and deserved the beating they would disown him if he pressed charges.
If it's only been a month then it ain't love it's infatuation which is often worse. I'm suspecting the 26 yo will get bored. Personally you have to stake the claim on the house and the kids, stand up for your kids rights and youself. Really with her actions she has NO claim on the house or kids and rightly should leave. But that's just my tuppence worth and I can be a tad cycnical with regard to women now.
The pain will go away it is just gonna take time.
Yeah I bet she was happy. Cake and eating it!
Seriously, I doubt that 26 year old will hang around for long with a 36 year old mother of two. Then she'll be stuffed. However, at 41, you've got pretty good market value. Lots of cool women about who've worked out they want to live rather than wait around for hubby to get home from work/pub.
Just think, in a year you could be on a plane to go shred the alps with your new mountain biking girlfriend.
****.
Jeez. I don't know what to say, shocked.
I'm here for you mate, if you need a beer/ride give me a shout, I'm working tomorrow evening but I'm off Tuesday and Wednesday.
Only advice I can add - I know you may want to give him a slapping,but don't, short term relief but will cause you headaches long term. Get angry, but get angry in the gym or on your bike
Tom.
I've only just read the first post.
Can't even bring myself to read the rest.
That's ****ing shit mate.
If you want a ride to take your frustrations out or a place to stay for a while you know where I live.
Please feel free to come round any time you want.
Think stu and I need to take you for a ride/beer
all the best scxc.
Cheers guys, cheers stu and houns.
I used the semi anonymity here to vent, in the real world I need to really make sure that the kids understand that their mum still loves them, they don't know about the other guy. I went for a beer with Paul just now, and found myself saying that my wife needs mates and support just as much as I do...so those that know me, can we keep it clean on the outside š and I can use this thread to do my virtual crying.
I'll say again, I appreciate all the support.
You know how to reach us. Nothing shall be said in real life™
Cheers mate, will be in touch
Not a lot to add, just all the best!
Oh mate really sorry to hear this, can't offer a lot but riding or a beer or two when/if you're up to it.
Take it easy mate...
I predict Paul getting his ass handed to him on a plate if you go out on a road ride with him. 8)
Tom.
Take your frustrations out on the bike and try to stay strong.
Nothing shall be said in real life
Balls to that . Bitch to me all you want mate.
Get back round and dont move out,once you are out that is it. If anybody should be shown the door its her. Somebody I know has been through this and as he moved out the ex kept dangling a carrot of him moving back it was all sbout keeping her options open. New blokey runs off she just moves you back in. This sounds wrong but it is you and the kiddies that matter here not mister noob moving into their home.
That sucks man, be strong and just focus on the kids and you will get throught it. I would recommend getting legal advice asap.
I would get back in the house asap, if not at least so she can't move the new guy in. I would be very concerned about someone else living with my kids I had never met.
Just do right by the kids and you will make it through.
Putting all the emotional stuff aside and thinking seriously I am glad about this:
Thanks again to everyone. She is going to move out.
And agree with this:
I would get back in the house asap, if not at least so she can't move the new guy in. I would be very concerned about someone else living with my kids I had never met.
Also get some legal advice about what to do to protect your position. I know it is horrible stuff to be thinking about but do it now. Even things like checking if you can legally change locks, not saying you should or shouldn't but there are situations when things go downhill quickly that you need to.
All I can add is go and see a good lawyer don't listen to advice from unqualified people, find out what you need to know ref the house and kids or you could find you ate screwed financial and regards access to your kidss. Oh and have a few beers but keep it in check and make sure what you do to pay the bills remains unaffected.
I hope it works out OK for you
Really sorry to hear your woes. Things to do ASAP.
You move back in to your home to be with your kids.
Take care of your kids.
She moves out. Where she goes is up to her. If she wants to be with lover boy so be it.
Go see a solicitor and get things sorted legally.
Get on with your life with your kids, if she wants to be part of that life then it's on your and your kids terms.
I know it sounds brutal, but she has made her decisions and she will have to live with them.
Now go do the things you need to do and get on with the rest of you life with your kids.
At least she had the balls to say something. Just found out that a good friend is shagging around (for well over a year). And she doesn't want her hubby to find out because if they split up, she wouldn't be able to work out the childcare and her career could suffer.
Nice. No worries about how the child might deal with it, just her career.
I think she has just become an ex-good friend .
Hope everything works out for you OP
From my own experience and Im by no means out of the woods yet! Keep a focus on your kids wellbeing but remember to look after your own as well (airplane oxygen mask scenario). Don't try and make too many big decisions in the early stages, they just end up clouded by grief and anger. Try and focus on getting through the days one at a time, trying to control the bigger picture and the future is unproductive and creates unnecessary stress.
Don't start seeing your ex as the enemy, your kids and and you will suffer from the fight.
Lean on your friends, the real ones will want to help. I rode and talked a lot with my mates, honest the ruthless piss taking does help :0)
The last and best bit of of Buddhist wisdom i found was 'Let go or be dragged'. In the earliest stages it helped me a lot.
Take it easy dude :0)
I didn't leave the house when it happened to me. Told her she should leave. I kept the house and the kids. Don't leave your house and family. She wants a new relationship she can leave and move in with the new guy. Whatever you do think very carefully before you commit to anything financial. Let your head rule not your heart.
I have told her to leave by 430 today, she can see the kids at arranged times but she can't sleep at the house. Going to see bank and lawyers etc today.
Feel numb.
Outstanding mate your doing the right thing for the future for you and the children.
Tough day for you fella... Best of luck with it all.
Well done, that's a courageous step. Knowledge is strength and allows you to have a sense of control. That is a real positive in this type of mess. The Buddhist bit is so right but so hard to do.
Sc-XC, sorry to hear this. Sounds like you are being amazing with the kids and with your wife. But don't fall into the mistake that many blokes make ie, neglecting yourself. Make sure that [b]you are ok,[/b] keep exercising, eat well, talk to people and don't be afraid to help. It's not selfish, it's what you need to do to get through these things. No one wins if you suffer too much. Take care and good luck.
Stay strong, all the best with today.
sc-xc, sorry to hear of your situation.
Having read the thread it sounds as if your wife has changed since the stroke? If that's the case then it must be even harder to come to terms with because she's not the person you knew? Wouldn't have a clue if her 'condition' is a permanent situation or something that might improve with time?
Hope today goes ok, maybe some space will give you some time to think and reflect about the situation.
Who's to say the fling wont burn itself out after a while....? If it does and you still want to get back with your wife then I'd suggest before you do get her to go to relate with you and maybe get some more medical advice about her 'recovery' prognosis etc.
Good luck with everything, stay strong and keep being a good dad to the kids. It sounds like you have some good local support so take them up on their offers when you can and try and get out for some 'me' time.
All the best.
Sounds like you've got ALL your priorities right here, keep it together in front of the kids and then see a good mate to offload it all onto, a real mate will be happy to take it on-board.
Stay strong man.
(Big man hug at ya)
Sounds like you're getting it together. Well done.
My priorities in this situation would be making sure the environment for the kids was as stable and loving as possible.
Part of that is avoiding the trap of your grief turning into bitterness. Your kids will need their mum as much as they need you, even if her priorities, for whatever reason, are skewed at the moment. The best way of achieving the best result for your kids is to keep things as amicable as possible, hard as that may be to take right now.
Dude,
You are not alone. This is pretty close to what happened to me 7 months ago. Wife of 10 years, mother of my two, realised she had feelings for someone else so left me - fortunately I have the kids, like you. Believe me they will help you through this more than anything else in the world - and never feel bad for those days you just hurt too much to believe you're loving those tykes enough - you are and they will see you as their 'kin hero when they grow up!!!
As part of my coping I've gone for as many road rides over the high peaks as pos (more meditative than MTB, though both are good!), started climbing, kickboxing, going out drinking and dancing with all my mates I thought I wasn't really friends with any more, gone to a therapist a few times, hung out with my mum and family and done a stupid amount of meditation - like at least twice a day, often four or five and up to an hour each time. If you have a Buddhist centre near you check it out, extremely peaceful places. If you want some of my thoughts on meditation or anything else PM me; also up for a drink if you live near Mcr.
You will cycle through the grieving process more times than you think you can cope with, but you can cope. Read up on it all, knowledge is power. Again I can recommend several books I've found helpful.
I've finally got to a place where I genuinely don't want her back - previous iterations have been based on anger (and I wanted her back really, I just pretended to myself I didn't). With space and trying oh so hard to win her back and being played with I've come to realise a lot about her character that I was ignoring as part of trying so damn hard to support her through chronic emotional issues and the strains of nurse training. She's not really the woman I thought she was. Right now I can't tell if she ever was, which hurts like hell, but that doesn't matter really - I'm actually less stressed out and the kids are doing much better with her out of the home.
Take it from me - don't sleep with her again! It might seem fun but the sense of rejection that follows spoils all that.
Finally a note to everyone else who posted:
you are all such beautiful people! It brings a tear to me eye, it really does.
Sorry to hear about your situation mate.
Can only really +1 to what most have said above re looking after YOURSELF, your KIDS and maintaining diplomatic relations with the missus.
Would also add that my ex had a car accident years ago that left her with some kind of brain injury "condition". Basically she would flip out, usually totally irrationally, and there would be no way of bringing her back in line. She would have to work through it herself. An example: she'd been in hosp for an op and I was due to pick her up at 4pm ... on the way I picked up some flowers and ended up being 10 mins late ... not only did I get an earful on the ward, but she blanked me for 2 full days at home except when she was having a go at me.
Sometimes she would get so "messed up" over our relationship that she would go for a random walk at night or flirt with someone openly. Yet I always felt she wasn't doing it maliciously or indeed on purpose - it was the result of her brain injury putting her in this weird zone.
Tuppence = I can't say whether she has or hasn't changed her feelings for you, but right now she might need time/help/support/space AND NOT anger/resentment/bitterness/fighting. She might not be the evil bitch you (or others) might think she is.
Demonstrate your inner resilience by looking after yourself and your kids but IMO DO NOT do anything dramatic to push her away. This will help you (internally and externally) AND it will demonstrate your ability to man up. By all means make it "hard" for the other fella to move in. Just don't **** with her head. You might find she comes out of this the other side and you're back on track.
Good on you OP, taking control in this situation gives you a sense of direction, and is a stepping stone on the path to recovery. Keep it civil, keep virtuous. Best wishes
I suspect some of your mlehworld quality jokes may have something to do with this.
(sounds reet poopy, love and jiggles from the other channel)
Thanks again. Hard day today. She has gone, and agreed to stay out of the house at night.
I have agreed that she can visit the kids, and use the facilities to cook their tea etc - I still think it's important that they see as much of their mum as possible.
We have worked out a timetable, when she is there I will be in te gym (our garage) so I'll look like arnie by the time I'm ready to look for a date!
We also looked at finances, she contributes or oughly 2/5 of the spend towards bills, she will continue to send her share over to me (or should I say her share of the kids expenses, ie half the cost of the utilities)
^ I'm confusing myself
She spoke about the new lad, it's the real deal for her, no way I can compete with that. Everything is through that filter.
Sorting bank tomorrow.
Going for a coffee with the kids to out mates house later, but thanks again - the on and offline support I am getting has blown me away.
Nothing I can really add - certainly not experientially. However, it's worth having a look at this. The classic change curve.
Don't assume, even when you're ploughing on with banks and lawyers and setting up new routines, that you've piled through it. It's likely you're earlier on in it than you realise. Just be aware of that when the dust settles - it's a process you'll go through - that we all go through at times of change - and you will get to a good place again when you've been through it.
BTW, you're doing an amazing job. Your kids should be very proud of you. Chin up and good luck.
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I did the running off with someone else thing, just for some perspective from the other side. At the time it seemed like the right thing to do, like I had no alternative, but it didn't work out.
I suspect, one day, she will struggle with the guilt and the betrayal and all those other things, and will not really like the person she is at the moment, but, at the moment, she can't really see it.
(sorry for all those commas, it's not easy to put into words)
Things change.
Life is about change, but most of the changes are gradual so we get a chance to adjust to them. These kind of changes are sudden, so adjusting is tough because you have to deal with stuff while you begin to come to terms with it.
I've no advice, just a view from her point of view... trying to deal with the whole collapse of a relationship, plus children, plus the emotional high of a new relationship is tough, not as tough as your sense of betrayal and anger and almost desperation to just make things OK again.
Time doesn't heal things, but it does give a sense of perspective, and things work out the way they work out, for better or for worse, for you and for her.
I went back, or rather was asked to come back and went, and it's OK now, but I'd rather throw myself off something very high than live that period of my life again.
What Crikey said, everything comes round to bite you one day.
Although I do have a bit of a devil may care attitude these days to life in general.
You seem to be remaining sensible which can't be easy and should be admired. Best of luck with your new life.
Sounds to me like you are doing a great job and that you have shown your mettle at a very difficult time. It's stuff like this that shows exactly what you are about. All the best wishes to you, and what a place this forum is eh?! š
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All the best to you. Sounds crap, but you are concentrating on the kid's happiness, which is THE right thing to do. Power to you, sir.
Daughter sobbing in bed, son upset downstairs.
I am trying to keep it together, but have swing between rage, anger, pleading, crying, swearing and shouting today...so not the zen like behaviour you are thinking. None of this in front of kids/anyone else.
Using some work strategies to focus on future positive outcomes. Who knows, it might help.
Life is hard.
Stay clam for the children.
