Confessions of a fun sponge.

Drac a heartfelt thank you and please look after yourself.

I'm not sure us civilians get what the blue light services go through on an almost day to day basis. Mrs100th sometimes gets a suggestion that she should talk with someone. I think there should be mandatory counseling.

A mate said he knew it was time to quit when he realized he could happily pick a helmet off the road with head still inside but jewelry (on a dressing table) gave him the fear.

I think we may of not seen eye to eye on this before - but the nations ambulances services do not look after their staff, it's neglectful and damages people's mental health. They should be held to account.

I could go on but I won't....

It took me 5 years after leaving to decompress enough to actually engage meaningfully in psychotherapy which has been hugely beneficial for me.

Best thing I ever did was leave that toxic work environment. You can't heal whilst your in it.

You've taken the biggest step in leaving, it will take time, but those ghosts you carry will diminish as time goes by.

Welcome to a better quality of life - you deserve it.

After hearing some of the stories from my Paramedic neighbour , I more than take my hat off to you guys. I can’t imagine ( well I can , as he goes into detail at times 😱) how you deal with that day in day out, with very little support. I find it morbidly fascinating and can talk to him for hours about it ( with the bonus I think it helps him decompress).

It also seems a lot of the new kids on the block don’t have the same old school sense of humour to help them through the day, and really struggle emotionally when the going gets tough and the pressure is on.

Thanks for writing that all out, Drac. I sympathise deeply with your situation, and thank you for all you have done over the years. As someone who is alive and well today because of first responders, I am unspeakably grateful for the work you--and others--have done/continue to do.

My son was a police officer with the Met, and two close friends were/are RCMP officers in Canada, and the stuff they have all seen is enough to traumatise even the strongest of people. Indeed, about fifteen years ago I was present when a man died on the pavement here in Cardiff and watched as the ambulance attendants did their best to revive him. One of them was a 'hard'-looking woman, who gave the impression that she was entirely objective and just did her job without thinking too much about the people she was helping. Then, six months later, when I myself had to be taken to hospital in an ambulance, I recognised her as one of my attendants. In my delirium, I asked her if she remembered the event, and she welled up. She said, 'of course I remember. You can't forget the people you lose.'

It's a lot to carry. Best wishes.

I've sometimes wondered if being a mod on here (for which I thank you, Drac) was part of your way of coping with your job or an additional irritation (because some of us must be very irritating at times) that increased the overall level of pressure. I think Cougar is happier since he stopped moderating, he did it very well but it wasn't doing him any good. Sometimes he lets rip now which must be quite therapeutic after years of conforming to model forum behaviour.

I've walked out (inner city teaching) or left with dignity (science, motor sport and a business) on a few occasions. It's never been a mistake and I've always found new energy and enthusiasm in whatever I've done next. I hope you can find energy and enthusiasm for something.

I haven't worked since 42 and will retire officially in 2 years and three months. In all honesty I don't miss work, I love getting up in the morning and doing whatever I want, well not quite, mainly what Madame Edukator wants 😉 . If it works for you financially I can recommend it.

I'm not a frequent poster on empathy type threads and very careful on mental health threads. Typing feels hollow and inadequate sometimes. No regrets, today is the first day of the rest of your life, carpe diem... simplistic cliches I know.  You've given a lot to others, take some time for yourself.

Jeez, that's quite the read. Thank you Drac. For everything

A11y talk to your Mrs about anything, make her a cuppa and offer a biscuit. Go go for a walk tomorrow no matter what the weather, she may not feel up to it but try. We do what we do because that’s the job we chose, it was a privilege to do and thank you for the kind support.

Unfortunately day shift all weekend and the fallout from an Old Firm cup final never helps conditions at work when you’re near Glasgow. So yes, pot of tea and nice crisps (each to their own…) will be on standby 🙂

Thanks for everything you’ve done Drac. I hope you realise that people do appreciate it.

After a sort of ‘similar though not really but kind of’ situation I took a part time job working with people with learning disabilities. Terrible pay of course, but I enjoy the work, love our participants, and feel like I’ve done something worthwhile at the end of each day. Maybe after a break you can find something similar. It really has changed my life for the better.

Much respect to you, Drac, and anyone who chooses to help others. I'm always humbled when I come into contact with those that do.

Take some time and look after yourself!

Just when I thought I’d got away, you’ve made me re-subscribe.

Sorry about the fun sponge bit btw, you mood hoover.

Cheers everyone.

Last night I went to an 18th Birthday party, had a great time with friends, today I’ve been to Newcastle for a Mexican street food festival with my wife, the dog and met our eldest there. Kitted myself out with some new clothes and felt absolutely relieved today, although there were a few times I struggled. Biggest thing I did today was deregister as a Paramedic, so I can no longer work as one and legally can’t call myself one. That was a massive weight off me as it was another bit of closure.

Thanks again for the comments, jokes and marks of respect.

My dude,

You have spent years putting yourself out there for others, to be the little sliver of light, the calming word, the reassuring touch, and hope in the darkness and fear that injury and illness can so often cause for others.

I can't even begin to wrap my head around the unquestionable positive impact you've had on the lives of others, even when it didn't go the way you and they would hope, but you absolutely have.

For all of that work you now carry a heavy burden, it is quite literally the epitome of selfless service and I am always grateful for those of you who find this their calling.

What I hope for you as you work through this is that you find the space and capacity to give yourself a humble nod and acknowledge that you made a difference and that you mattered when others needed you most.

I wish nothing but peace for you dude. Truly.

Jokes aside, and I know I’ve not been the most tolerant bugger - but I can’t get my head around the scenes that coppers, ambulance staff and even traffic patrol people must have to face.

Just starting to imagine the scene of a serious accident, let alone a fatality, puts my brain straight into “la la think about something else” mode. I can’t comprehend the awfulness of it in reality.

No wonder you’ve taken retirement - I wish you well.

I have a friend who is a paramedic and I honestly don’t know how he does it. Little support, shit equipment, long shifts and and not paid anywhere near enough. He’s been bitten, spat on, punched, kicked and abused in lots of ways. He cracked and pressed charges against someone who punched him. The West Yorkshire Ambulance Service wouldn’t let him wear his uniform to court. Absolute travesty.

I can sympathise with the depression and burn out too. I’ve suffered with the former my entire adult life and think I’m on track for  the latter. I spend every waking hour worrying about work. Glad you’ve posted this Drac and happy for you that you’ve been able to say enough.

Biggest thing I did today was deregister as a Paramedic, so I can no longer work as one and legally can’t call myself one. That was a massive weight off me as it was another bit of closure.

Great news Drac, another big step along the way to a happier existence!

Wishing you all the best Drac. Life is tough.

Everyone has said it so well above, I’ve nothing to add other than thanks again for all you’ve done, well done for taking the bold decision to stop just keeping on keeping on, and finally for opening up about it here - I think it has made an impact and will help a lot of others (myself included).

And I’m sorry for that time I threw a wobble at you being a fun sponge about me getting excited about microwaveable sausages and you not being so.

Sorry. Forgive my ****. I’m older now and slightly less of a ****er.

Slightly.

Not much too add - thank you for everything you've done for all the people over the course of your career.

Sister in law is a paramedic - I'm away to check up on her.....

Good man - enjoy that retirement

Blimey Drac, you did well to last as long as you did in an extremely stressful service to the public. You wouldn't remember me but we were on a few ST rides (with the wonderful Jenn) and I remember Rob commenting on your impressive technical abilities on the bike. Retirement is great, your outgoings are less, freedom to ride and roam and holiday outside of term-time. Takes a while to get work out of your system but bash away and it disappears. Well done, you've made the right move.

Another all the best in your retirement here. I survived my emergency service career relatively unscathed. Much of it over the decades now blurred or forgotten. A few scenes still jump to mind every so often decades later.

On of the saddest was a quiet private scene. An old guy in his 70s had lost his wife of 50 years a few months earlier. He never got over it. One day he got up. Made his bed. Tidied the house. Washed the dishes. Wrote a note and left a copy of his will on the otherwise clear dining room table along with a list of his bank accounts.

Then hung himself. The only death I ever dealt with where the victim apologised in advance in the note to whoever found him.

Ex Police here. Thought I'd do my full 30, retire at 55 and be fit for riding my bike while others waited for another 10 or so years to retire. Found my limit after 18 years. Figured if I stayed until 55 I'd end up certified insane. I didn't have a leaving do as I felt ashamed and far too emotional. Slunk off to New Zealand, figured being on the other side of the world would stop me from re-joining after the rose tinted glasses came out. It's taken just over 5 years to get over the anxiety and depression. And yeah, I kept thinking about rejoining like some messed up abusive relationship. You've done your service Drac, and seen more in a year than people will see in their whole life. You deserve a rest kid.

Wow, nothing to add apart from another like and a very much renewed sense of gratitude to all our emergency services, thank you for all you have done Drac & make sure you go easy on yourself.

Hey Drac, as one of the long-termers here, just wishing you all the best. Thanks for an honest and open share about your struggles. Take care.

Plot twist: it was being a STW mod that did you in mentally, not the ambulance service 😉

Jokes aside, best wishes and thanks to you and all the service: all the ambulance people I've met over the years have been unfailingly friendly, reassuring and upbeat, I don't know how they/you do it.

Enjoy your retirement of mtb'ing, browsing STW with ease on your iPad and revelling in your massive NHS pension 😁

101 likes! Can't recall ever seeing that before!

Enjoy the new era in your life Drac. So much more time to do stuff.

Being a bit thick trying to PM you Drac

Wow. Sounds horrific. Here’s to you and what you’ve done to help others. And here’s to your new well deserved rest.

Should work now @jkomo I have allow per,is Simon due to a previous member sending abuse.

Drac, I wish I had something profound to say but I’m lost for words and so many people here have said it so much better than I could, but genuinely, thank you for everything you’ve done, I hope you can take some satisfaction that you have genuinely made a difference in this world. Very best wishes going forward.

Thanks again guys.

Yeah I do take a lot of satisfaction from what I have done over the years, those I’ve saved, brought into the world, help get social services support, help protect from abusers and helped on their final journey. Sadly still struggle at times to silence those I couldn’t help, the trauma I’ve seen and the emotional damage I’ve seen to their relatives. I have also listened to some staff issues which I’ve been amazed they felt they could share with me about their personal lives so they could get support.

Never regretted joining just wish it had been at a time when I could have had more support.

I hope you find your feet again soon enough @Drac (sorry, still not sure how to tag after all this time!). Twelve years in over here, and after my head properly fell off for a couple months last autumn, I’m casting about for an exit plan from paramedicland. Problem is, though I won’t miss NHS management one bit, I realise I’d properly miss the Yorkshire folk I serve. So I’m bloody stuck driving the big yellow taxi for the foreseeable until I can figure something else out.

May your shoulders feel lighter one day to the next. Here’s to your next chapter x

Cheers Cheeky. There’s a lot of opportunity out there for Paramedics other than frontline, look at GP land. NHS management tries it’s best to do what it can, but there are some who just don’t listen to feedback even from other managers. I’m not sure it’s unique. 6 months I’ve been off work, nearer 7 really, I have not missed a lot if for the last 8 weeks or so. Saturday I had a trip to Newcastle, got off the train and a I left the station here are 2 ambulances attending what was probably a c1 but wasn’t. I gladly walked passed with no feeling the need to assist them.

Hope you get sorted with something that suits you, there is life outside.

Hero. In the company of Hero's.

I cant begin to imagine what you have given in your job mate. But I'm eternally thankful that you and your ex colleagues continue to do so.

My partner is ex police, she did the full 30 years and some of her stories absolutely make me shudder. I have the utmost respect for all you emergency workers.

Now get busy living mate. You know where I am if you ever want to rekindle to love of riding a bike. Be good to have a pootle with you and a beer.

All the very best mate. Dave.

I hope you enjoy retirement Drac and that you feel like you can decompress now and realise all the good you have done.

I left the army after injury, and thankfully escaped with just a dark sense of humour and slight alcoholism, I lost one friend to suicide and a few friends have horrific PTSD even 20 years after.

Any one who will selflessly place others before themself will always have my utmost respect.

I watch my wife now as a consultant therapy radiographer on a cancer ward get paid for 35 hours a week, and work 70, switching on her laptop at 8am on the weekend and often still sat there at 8pm on her days off, her workload is ridiculous since COVID and as much as she tries not to let it effect, she is burning out and cannot keep watch she has done for last 3-4 years, so many of her staff have left, and not one other of 6 girls she trained with at uni who she counted as close friends remain in the NHS.

We need to learn to look after those that look after others a lot better...

Hi Drac, respect and thanks for your years of service. I retired early from a stressful job working with abused teenagers and found even after I left that I couldn't forget what I had experienced, it would go round in my head as if I were still at work. I set up psychotherapy sessions and used them to offload, and my therapist suggested techniques to help me move on. If you find yourself in the same situation can I suggest you do something similar for yourself

Thanks mildbore. I’ve had EMDR which has worked well and use when I’m struggling, I also have the contact details for the counsellor who I used should I need it.

Not sure some will ever go away, I’ll just get better at coping.

Thanks mildbore. I’ve had EMDR which has worked well and use when I’m struggling

EMDR is a right bag of laughs isn’t it. I’ve had it a few times over the last five years or so, first lot, first session I was scrunched up on the floor dry heaving into the psych’s waste paper bin and she just goes “Yeh this is quite a usual reaction.” 😀

It does work though for shifting traumatic memories and at my latest round the psych suggested an emdr light like one of these;

https://www.emdr-store.co.uk/products/37-emdr-light-bar.html

mine was only about £250 on etsy. Her view was not only are they good for one to use at home if one’s having a bad spell but they’re also quite useful just to clear one’s mind even if it’s not trauma related.

It’s very odd. Yes.

I’ll take a look at that but not sure as some types of light is also a trigger.