Confessions of a fun sponge.

Wow Drac. That's powerful stuff but well done for getting it out there. It sounds glib (and it's not meant to be), but enjoy your retirement.

Hope things improve for you

First of all, thank you for doing what you've done in the ambulance service. I know that I would struggle to do one shift of that sort of work, and can't imagine the burden that you've carried.

Sounds like it's time to put yourself first, to take some time to heal and reflect. Look after yourself and maybe, when your pension is sorted, treat yourself to a new iPad.

That's was a humbling read Drac.

It looks like you left just in time my friend, it sounds like you really were at the end of your tether.

I'm sure there is a lot of healing to do but you've taken a huge step towards doing so.

Thank you for sharing this with the forum, you aren't the only one struggling behind an anonymous forum name in sure.

You are a decent guy Drac and though you've had to convey some terrible news to some there must be many more that owe their lives to you and people like you.

We are all here for you matey.

Tell us you haven't had to hand in the ipad ??!! 😬

All very well said, Drac, and I wish you all the best in what I hope is a good recovery and a long & happy retirement

Goodness that is a hard read. Need to go through it all again.  I hope that one day it unravels enough for you to feel properly relaxed again but I can't imagine how long that will take.

Thank you for writing it

Christ, what a humbling read. Well done on taking the steps needed for your own well being, not everyone has the courage to do that.

Healing vibes dude.

but overall a huge sense of relief.

I can imagine. Good luck with the future.

Plenty of time for mtbing now, and new hobbies!

All the best Drac, that sounds truly awful.  Hope brighter days are ahead 🙂

My mate is a paramedic, and reading this makes me realise I should check in on him more than I do.

You’re a sponge I’d like to squeeze 😘

Thank you for all you’ve done and endured. I’ve worked with a lot of proper grafters but nothing comes close to the stuff paramedics put themselves into, to help others, best wishes for your new future.

(stealth edit: I probably won’t squeeze you but I’ll buy you a beer 😉 )

Wish you all the best.  Man hugs.

Thank you for all you've done up to here, good for you in what you're achieving now, and good luck for everything that comes next.

Very honest write up, you front line guys are so overstretched it's criminal.

Well done for prioritising your own health and wellbeing, I imagine it was a massive leap and you should give yourself a pat on the back for managing to do it.

Hopefully time and self care will help you reset somewhat and get some joy back in life.

I think I rode with you and a few others one new years day about 20yrs ago near Rothbury, when I moved up to sunny Chopwell.

When you're ready, you must plan a group ride in the Grim North.

I'll echo what everone else has said.. it sounds like you've made the right decision.

My own experience with emergency responders is limited, on the reciving end, and I know a parmedic personally. I don't know how they do it and stay sane.

I know enough to know they have to have super-human levels of stress tollerence to remain cool and effective under the circumstances, and they are huge stresses on top of the normal day to day life stresses that eveyone has.

All the best.

Drac you really are a hero. Time to concentrate on yourself.

The stuff we put our emergency services through shift after shift, with little recognition or support, is ridiculous.

Thanks Drac. Try to focus on the countless times you did make a difference rather than the horrible situations when there was nothing you could do. There will be an awful lot of people walking around today because of you and your skills.

That  ^^^^ 100%. Please do look after yourself. Take some time to get stable and into a lighter, more happy place. I do not think that anyone can say you deserve it.

Well done on a good job Drac.

Enjoy your well earned retirement and whatever comes next.

**** me. That hit home reading it.

You've done way more good in a working life than 95% of us ever will.

You can retire safe in that knowledge. There will be people walking down the street tomorrow who wouldn't be alive if it hadn't have been for you. That's special. Hold on to the good bits, try to let go of the bad.

👍

Respect. Both for the incredible job you did under the most appalling conditions and for having the courage to say 'enough is enough' when it got too much.  I hope retirement allows you time to heal.  Be kind to yourself and all the best for a positive new chapter.

I can only second what everyone else has said, I have the deepest respect for everyone who is part of the emergency services, I know for a fact that it’s a job that I couldn’t do, I feel too much empathy for those involved, that I just couldn’t function properly. It would be different should I happen across an emergency situation, but not every day.

Take care and look after yourself, and relearn how to enjoy life with family.

Wow.

Only met you once, over 20 years back in Wales on an STW weekend, you patched me up after an accident, and  you made a bit of an impression. The guy I met then is nothing like the picture you've painted in your post, and I really feel for you- I think careers like yours while very worthwhile, and obviously it's been one to which you've been devoted, but in the longterm they must be pretty destructive on the staff. All the best to you and your family,  hope you find a bit more joy and happiness in your life.

Lost for words really Drac. Like the rest of us, I have picked up on recent threads that things aren't good...but wanted to echo everything said by far wiser people than me up thread.

Thank you for the shift you've put in, and now time to focus on yourself. Fortunately, you're a massive part of a supportive community here that would never dream of taking the piss when the time is right...

In all seriousness, be kind to yourself.

🍺

@drac I wish you the very best with your onward journey after what sounds like a really really rough run (sorry I'm not finding the best words here).

As for this could not agree more.

So please of you are struggling talk to someone, a friend, a relative, your GP just anyone. It’s nothing to be ashamed of we all suffer one way of another as we are human..

A family suicide last year and various other reasons.

It's encouraging how many more people are talking publicly on these issues now but still much to do.

Blimey, I've been worn out at work but that is something else!

Well done for prioritising yourself, taking that step and all the best for your future.

Good luck with everything Drac, hope you can now enjoy a definitely well earned retirement.

Also thanks for sharing your experience, it was humbling, and like you say hopefully it can help others that are struggling make positive changes.

The older I get the more it seems to me there are so many people out there barely keeping things together.

I know I've given you shit but honestly, after reading that I can see why you are such a grouchy arse. Anyone would be.

My dad was much the same with a lot of the same gripes, unfortunately he did decide to end it after one last thing became too much. Unlike you though he never really talked about it and when he did it didn't seem that big a deal. You have a lot to deal with but it sounds like you've taken the first steps to sorting yourself out.

Whatever happens now, you're out. No more of that shit, even if you have to work on for a bit it's still going to be better than that. Best laid plans and all that. Try not to get fixated on what was supposed to happen and just remember you're better off regardless.

I know We ain't always seen eye to eye but fair play to you for both committing your life to doing the best you can for the people and for putting your head above the parapet to let people know it's not just them suffering. Countless paramedics /police / doctors & nurses are in the same situation and many feel isolated.

Best of luck in the next chapter.

Ambulance staff are amazing in my eyes. Thank you for your service drac. Enjoy your retirement.

Big man hugs.

You've done an amazing job in your career, but it's taken a huge toll on you.

You deserve to take a break and get the support you need as you move on to the next phase of your life.

@Drac -Take care. Time to look after yourself rather than others.

Try to focus on the countless times you did make a difference

This. There are folk enjoying their lives right now because of you.

Right call mate.

Hopefully you'll start to decompress!

Bloody hell folks cheers for the words of support it does help.

Squirrelking I’m that generation too, we didn’t talk it was a sign of weakness. I pushed staff to talk and seek help but was shit it myself. Sadly I’ve seen colleagues fall victim and ended it, one fairly recently.

l loved the job, been stopped by random to me people who have thanked me. I’d never tell anyone to not go for it, there is better support now but by Christ it can be hard.

Mate, thank you so much for everything you did and tried to do. It's impossible for you to have done that job for as long as you did without doing a lot of good.

I feel like I constantly see good people in essential roles burnt out and mentally unwell as a result of the chaos and mendacity of our leadership.

You deserve that pension tenfold. Glad you're finally getting the support you need, woefully late though it is. Best of luck with whatever comes next.

Big hug. That’s a massive contribution and way more I could do or have done. Respect. And a hug. You deserve some peace and sunshine.

Holy shit.
You’ve made the right decision there.
Time to look after yourself now.

Kudos for being so honest - your words really cut through. Hope you enjoy your well-earned retirement and we all owe a debt of gratitude for your service.

@Drac - enjoy your new life. You've earned it

Just got to Weardale. The driving once we left the A1 near Darlo was mad. Thankfully you don't have to deal with the fall out of that madness any more

Best of luck with what lies ahead!

🍻🍻🍻

@Drac, thank you. Thank you for your honesty, and thank you for doing what you did: it takes a special person (in a good way) to take on a role such as that.

Striking a chord tonight as I’m sitting alone after Mrs (Dr) a11y took an early night after an especially emotional, mentally and physically exhausting frontline A&E shift. It takes its toll: she’s got an op for ablation soon.

Again thanks all.

Yes I have met many of you as mentioned Wales back in at a festival at least 20 years ago.

A11y talk to your Mrs about anything, make her a cuppa and offer a biscuit. Go go for a walk tomorrow no matter what the weather, she may not feel up to it but try. We do what we do because that’s the job we chose, it was a privilege to do and thank you for the kind support.

Never doubt it, if the time is right to walk away then you have done the right thing. My admiration for those who put themselves into places where others would rather not be in order to help people has no bounds. Respect is earned they say- all the emergency services get it in spades from me.

If it is time to walk away then do so and judging from your very honest post it is. Feel no shame in doing this, we all have a limit and the incident that you cited sounds awful.

Most of us in our daily working lives make decisions. You make life deciding decisions that are predicated upon the provision of accurate information and reliable support. If these things are not forthcoming I am in no way surprised that you as a professional feel this way. I am a secondary school teacher. I have problem individuals in certain classes but I only have to deal with them for an hour at a time. I can then put mitigations into place to protect myself and the rest of the class. My school supports me. Your case is SO different. I cannot begin to imagine the pressure and stress involved in being a first responder in a RTA, especially as you have described.

Huge respect for you and everyone else in the emergency services, it's a job that I think I would struggle with.
Wherever you go next follow the wise word from my mum; 'have fun, stay safe'.

@Drac

Thank you for your OP. That takes its own kind of courage to be able to take the hard road and make the right decision for yourself.

I won’t turn this into myself, but I’ve been in dark places in my life, and I’m going through another at the moment. Never have I regretted working through it, there is always greener hills out the other side. And life has a way of settling itself out.

Enjoy the new freedom, it’s scary and freeing all at the same time. We are here for you brother.

Glad to hear you’ve made it this far @drac. Sorry to hear you hit breaking point. That is a crummy outcome.

Way back in the day I did radiography. Haven’t done it for >25 years. Thankfully my memories of mangled body parts, pathology samples, and deaths don’t haunt me. But I do reflect on the experiences and occasionally marvel that HCPs cope as well as they do with seeing insides outside and people in states of mental and physical injury. You made it a long way through.

from vicarious experience the support available from workplaces in the NHS seems variable. Your recommendation to seek help and support earlier rather than later is a good one. Best to seek it from as many places as you can so you find folks who can listen and help.

all the best for your recovery and wellbeing.

On top of all your amazing work, you were also a paramedic 😉

Sounds like you've made tough but sensible decisions and it sounds like you literally gave all you could to a job that should be far better regarded and rewarded than it is. The world is a better place for your efforts, not just the 'customers' that you helped but likely the countless other people you've trained, supported and worked with over the years.

@Drac thank you for sharing, and a huge thank you to everyone in, or formerly in, our emergency services. We'd all be royally bolloxed without you all. ❤️

Nothing to add but thanks.

Fully understandable reaching the end of your tether with it.

But having been in a serious accident, I do remain forever grateful that there are people who will go out in the shitty weather at the drop of a hat and run towards trouble to help. The world needs more people like that, so thank you for doing what you’ve done over the years.

I finally had enough, I could not face the everyday stress we all have, the works stress all we have, the added politics that I had to deal in shift in shift out with my position and not being given the tools to do it.

Been there, I was fortunate and spent my last few years training people.

The 80s, 90s and early 2000s were appalling for their toll on front-line responders. The jobs and pressures don't really change, but protocols on all sorts of stuff have changed and I sincerely hope that newer staff won't have to repeat your experiences without the necessary active support

Best wishes and I hope you stay hereabouts

Respect for you making the decision to call it a day and prioritise yourself. It must be an incredibly tough job to do if you're not feeling it 100% I can have a bad day and just coast through my shift, hide a bit and hope the next one is better.

I've got experience of an ambulance crew that were probably having a bad day and I was treated really badly. Could have ended up paralysing me but thankfully my own stubbornness stopped them. I was never angry at them, just sad that they'd become jaded by the demands put on them. Sorry it has come to this for you but sounds like the right decision and best of luck with the next chapter of your life. Thank you again.