I was working on a railway geotechnical site in Oban in 2010, it was pretty cold over night (-18°C) and the water in the portacabin toilet froze. None of the manky f***s seemed to mind and there was soon a cone of s**t poking out above the seat. The next night there was crap sneered down the cistern lid. I complained to the site supervisor who stormed into the drying room demanding to know who it was. Up stands XXXX who matter of fact states he used the cistern lid as an elevated device seat her then returned cistern lid to its rightful place. Luckily I was on a different site after Christmas.
Of all the places I worked, nothing beats the local branch of Burger King for craziness.
One total nightmare of a guy stole the scooters we delivered burgers with (signwritten). If that wasn't enough, also robbed a weeks cash from the safe in full view of the security cameras. There was a drug dealer who's customer nearly died in the toilets. A 'Manager' who caused utter carnage on a daily basis, setting fire to the grill twice in a week.
Most of the female colleagues had an eating disorder.
Company went bust in the end.
Alcoholic purchasing manager who always wore dark glasses because his eyes were a combination of red and yellow. Collapsed one afternoon in the office after a lunchtime session and received emergency liver treatment. Signed himself out of hospital to go on hols to Spain. Died from alcohol poisoning. They had to whip-round to pay for his body to be repatriated as insurance wouldn’t cover it.
Doug ‘the rug’ because of his hairpiece - never knew his real name.
Worked for an MD known as Santa as Christmas was the only time he came out of his office.
The bloke who spent most nights in the Printworks casino. He'd kip on the sofas in there then come straight back to work in the morning. He'd buy a new shirt, socks and snappers on the way in if he'd won.
The bloke who died at his desk.
The mad fantasist/fascist Pole who reckoned he fought private Judo matches for audiences Russian oligarchs. Also, most amusingly, turned out to be a bigamist.
Currently, we have the guy who lives in a camper van on the works car park, the guy on £18,000 a year who drives a Roller and the ex top Man U hooligan who's banned from every football ground in England.
Worked for a guy who insisted on him driving to every meeting even when a train or a plane would’ve been a better option. Not so bad, however, he had a driving habit of not seen before or seen again since. He would drive up and slightly over the speed limit, put it in neutral, then coast down to 20mph under the speed limit, find the closest appropriate gear, and repeat. He insisted his modern efficient Audi (early 2000’s) was much more efficient if he did this regardless of it adding 30% onto travel time. If you’re reading this, you Sir are a total mentalist.
Back in my restaurant days I worked with an amazing guy who had no boundaries shock-wise. He thought it was funny to run around with a pineapple ring on his todger - and he was right!
Many years ago had a girl on site universally known as BJ. Very popular - and very good 😉
He was quite upfront about the films involving taking your clothes off.
One of our "if restarting doesnt work then lets reinstall the OS" team did specialist photography as a hobby for a while but managed to both turn it into a job and married one of the models.
Had a manager who randomly fell asleep which always improved their performance. Although seeing them go for a run one lunchtime was special. It was like a new born giraffe being chased by a tiger.
Also had someone who managed to acquire a spare door card and use to disappear half the day to go and visit a Buddhist monastery to meditate or something. Probably helped they had the manager mentioned above.
I currently park my bike at work near a guy who has completely wrapped his bike (very neatly it must be said) in inner tubes. Even the forks. I can tell that it's an MTB, has a 2x setup and hydraulic brakes but that's pretty much it. He's a nice enough guy... but i can't bring myself to ask WTAF are you doing?
Not person specific, but a few years back we had a bit of a fly infestation in an office area out the back of one of the hospitals i work at. I figured they were fruit fly, but did think it a little odd that they were always present. For weeks. Eventually someone worked out (shudder) that the contractors that collect the feminine hygiene bins at the hospital weren't coming to the office.
Most annoying was the prick Tim who would offer to make me a cup of tea and then stir it with the same spoon that he used for his coffee! Still consider him a mate.
he started talking about his hobby, film making. Mainly to the young women. He was quite upfront about the films involving taking your clothes off.
A colleague told us about a friend of his who had made such a (solo) video as she needed some money, and to avoid her friends finding out by accident she had a special premiere of the movie at her flat. He realised he was sat on the sofa that she was performing on.
A few weeks later his friend joined our sales team. No way would I have wanted to see what he'd seen....
I worked with a guy who never wore shoes. He'd just cut about in socks all day. One day I asked why, and he said it was comfy. I tried, and it was indeed comfy.
I now work somewhere else, and the occasional confused look from a visitor reminds me that now, I'm that weird guy who doesn't wear shoes in the office (need boots on the shop floor, because swarf etc)...
Kenny the cleaner. Lived with his sister and on his early finish day he would get a bottle or two of cream Sherry from the barrel in the off licence. He was always ashen faced the next morning and had the shakes.
Another chap died first day of his holiday in the local shop. He never did get to do his 50 years. The pension arrangements were good enough that he should have retired when I started.
Had a woman on site that featured in a Readers Wives section of a porn mag back in the day. Scary sight I have to say but she didn't seem to care.
A guy in our office left his wife and had nowhere to live, so he worked late and then hid when security came round, and had smuggled a sleeping bag into the boiler room. He lived in the office for a month before he was found out, and only them because people noticed that someone was nicking coffee overnight.
Being a cycle commuter person, it was always annoying when, every few weeks, the factory's shower used to fail to drain. Water was ankle deep by the time you'd finished washing.
Then one day someone caught Alfie the computer operator doing his weekly clothes wash in the shower stall! His contract was ended pretty soon after and the shower drain returned to normal funtionality.
If that wasn’t enough, also robbed a weeks cash from the safe in full view of the security cameras.
An old boss of mine used to be an assisstant manager at John Menzies. He had a manager who brought in and set up his own till and took the cash home at the end of the day. Apparently it took them ages to work out what was going on.
The bloke who spent most nights in the Printworks casino. He’d kip on the sofas in there then come straight back to work in the morning.
We had an office alcoholic who would often spend the night on trains. Having been in the business for years he got taken out loads by clients particularly over Christmas. He lived south of Glasgow and it was the Carlisle train he caught. He would wake up in Carlisle having missed his stop, kick around Carlisle until he could get a train back north, straight to Glasgow and back into the office. Really nice and interesting guy, he had loads of great stories about Glasgow in the 60s.
I’m that weird guy who doesn’t wear shoes
It's an office not a plane Mr. McLane! Do your feet not get cold?
Some of these stories are funny others are really tragic.
Had the usual of a guy that didn't wash, was told3 time by manger that he need clean cloths and to wash daily. This was his first month in the job. Wasn't made permanent.
Another guy was know for having washed his bits in Dettol after having sex with a prostitute.
I think I have been the odd one frequently as I sit there swearing at my work.
Somebody up the corridor has the routine of eating his (assume it's a he) packed lunch in the toilet cubicle in the gents. That's not a euphemism by the way.
We're closing in on a couple of suspects but nobody wants to be seen hanging around outside the gents watching who goes in carrying their butties!
Angus- huge guy who looked like a prop forward. Liked to make jam, bake cakes and go cycling on the weekend. Would get very angry at bicycles as he kept pringling rear wheels. Hated mobile phones and didnt' have one until smart phones came along and you could have a computer in your pocket. Lovely fella, if quite odd.
Ian - extremely well spoken and well educated legal counsel in a glasgow based demolition business. Obviously got them out of a lot of scrapes as he was worshipped. Very english and pompous, especially given the general surroundings. Annually would do a Christmas lunch for the whole office which was actually a curry and was delicious. Good times.
I used to enjoy lunchtime power naps at my desk, that probably counts as odd. These days i just go back to bed if i feel a bit woozy after lunch - 20 mins later I'm a new man.
He lived south of Glasgow and it was the Carlisle train he caught. He would wake up in Carlisle having missed his stop
Ah yes. That used to be my train home to Kilmarnock. It went Glasgow, Barrhead, Stewarton, Kilmaurs, Kilmarnock then beyond that Annan, Gretna Green and Carlisle. Many people, including my best mate, have fallen asleep wrecked on the train and ended up far south of where they should be.
I used to work on a military base, there were a few oddballs but one stood head and shoulders above the rest. He used to keep blackpowder explosive in pringle tubes in his office and I was asked to store it safely for him, which I did. Having made his aquitance I found out that he wore a watch on each wrist "in case one stops" wore a radiographers lead apron whilst driving his car "to protect him from the speed camera radiation" and flooded his office when investigating the ballistic resistance of soggy newspaper!! The armourey saw fit to issue him a crossbow, but ammo branch wouldn't give him any bolts to fire it with, so apparantly he used pencils. The stationary department then got in touch to ask what on earth he was doing with hundreds of HB pencils.........
Mind you, I used to draw a single shot pistol from the armourey for a Friday afternoon demonstration, the armorer however finished early on a Friday so I was told just to hang on to it until Monday. Not having a locking cabinet in my office (or even a locking door to the office) I'd take it home for the weekend, usually tucked into my barbag, but if I forgot the barbag it would just about fit in a jersey back pocket. Good job I never became involved in any road-rage incidents.................
Many people, including my best mate, have fallen asleep wrecked on the train and ended up far south of where they should be.
It's a funny story as a one-off for young folks on the way back from a night out but sadly it was a bit of a regular occurrence for this guy in his late 50s. He's one of those characters who pops into my head from time to time, a real gentleman who just couldn't get on top of the booze. He died a few years after I left the company, probably 61 or 2.
There was another guy in the same office who presented as a bit of a Glasgow hard man, not a fighter but terse and uncompromising. He had some odd turns of phrase, incorporating biblical language and metphors. I asked him about this one day and he told me when his first child was born he read the bible cover to cover to 'thank God for sending me a son'. He did the same when his daughter was born. Whatever you think of religion I have a lot of respect for that kind of commitment and it was a good lesson in not judging by first impressions.
I worked with a right chump who saw himself as a cheeky chappy and morale booster. In an Ofsted inspection in a girls' school (in Northampton) he gave an assembly on a Lancashire rugby league team he was keen on. At least it produced a useful example for defining the terms 'baffled' and 'bemused'.
17 year old me got a holiday job in a large office.
Young lady in the next department down had won a national Sam Fox lookalike competition*.
Oh my......
*context - this was 1986
Surprised no ex colleague has dobbed me in it.
Central London head office had a car park underneath that charged 1 quid to enter, no timed ticket you just drove out when you wanted. So I kept my classic car in there....all winter, for 1 quid. Car park was on a few levels so car didn't stand out.
Except every few days I used to go down there to move the car, turn over engine, no flat spot tyres and polish it.
Used to keep car cleaning stuff in my desk, but as I cycle commuted I used to say it was for the bike.
I got away with it for 5 years, funnily enough no one ever said anything.
There was a guy called Ewan who had convinced himself he didn't smoke even though he'd sneak into trap 1 two or three times a day to smoke a Silk Cut.
His V-neck poly/wool mix jumpers hummed of tobacco smoke as did his breath. But no, this guy was a non-smoker.
Somebody on the shopfloor asked him for a light one day and he said "why you asking me for a light - you know I don't smoke."
It was funny but a bit sad too.
His boss was a character too. A big fan of lock-ins at his local and playing pool for money. He lost his nearly new Merc 190E to a game one night.
Many people, including my best mate, have fallen asleep wrecked on the train and ended up far south of where they should be.
30 years ago I worked in central London. My colleague and friend Phil would do this regularly, often ending up in shunting yards in Kent, etc. He once woke up to find himself asleep lying in the aisle of a train, with peoples knees around him. He woke once to find the train pulling out of his station, jumped from the door and caught some clothing on the door and got dragged along the platform. He was very often hungover in work.
He had been a motorbike courier, and massive druggy before starting work in cancer research and gaining a PhD. That was his only qualification - no O or A levels. He'd managed to blag his way onto a PhD! His stories about being a courier were as interesting as his drug stories. He'd attended every London court at one time or another, for motoring or drug offences.
His brother was even more of a character. Also biker, a road block was set up by the police to stop him - he didn't realise until he got to the front of the queue of traffic. He bought a caravan and basically lived in some disused wasteland, while driving a six wheeled ex military vehicle and was the first person I ever met with a mobile phone (with the huge battery in a satchel) which he left on the roof of my Beetle as we drove through central London one night. He was also a campanologist.
Both very clever and very odd. I often wonder what happened to them.
He once woke up to find himself asleep
Now that is clever.
I worked on the door of the Plaza ballroom in Glasgow and the manager actually lived there.
He slept on the sofas and had his food in the main kitchens.
There was a car in the back garage but he never once drove it. It sat there and rotted till he died. The place was shutdown a few years later.
I got robbed while working in the cloakroom one night about Christmas. A young team from the Gorbals pretty much jumped me and stole the takings and a load of leather jackets. They were all armed with straight razors so I wasn't going to interfere with their caper. The cloakroom is lower ground and quite far from where anyone else was working so shouting for help wasn't an option, and there was no way I was getting slashed by even attempting to resist.
I got dogs abuse from the manager for not fighting them, but on my lonesome sod that.
Thankfully they ignored the 3 camel coats that were in there at the time and belonged to the gangsters who frequented the place most weekends. I dont want to even think how that would have went.
I worked the door, but that was with about 6 of us and the fights we were supported by each other, but sat down in that lower cloakroom, its you against 8. I think I was seen as the oddfish by this manager for not steaming in. He was just nuts, in his 70's and still mad for it on the front door..
His boss was a character too. A big fan of lock-ins at his local and playing pool for money. He lost his nearly new Merc 190E to a game one night.
The same guy punched Jacques Cousteau at the check-in desk at CDG after the latter had flounced to the front of the queue and pushed in with a "Do you know who I am?".
Back in the late 80s I worked in the computer department of a bank. The big boss was John, he was the best manager I've ever had. This is was the days of Greed is Good and every morning he'd negotiate (have shouting, stand up arguments) with self entitled traders who wanted everything now, no excuses. He protected us and made sure we could deliver.
He was also the worst manager. At 12:00 he'd go to lunch at the Conservative Club across the road and drink. If he came back to the office he was useless, it was just embarrassing.
His drinking finally came to a head and work paid for him to go to a clinic and dry out. After 3 months he came back sober. Sadly, he'd lost his zing, he was very average afterwards.
I had a gap year contract at a local defence research place in the early 90s.
Worked for a guy who was probably on the spectrum somewhere (obviously undiagnosed) with all sorts of habits, and a lovely tight perm.
Great VAX programmer, nice bloke, just not mainstream "normal".
We had another bloke with an immaculate, but fairly lowly spec, BMW 3 series. I remember rocking with silent laughter overhearing him on the phone trying and failing to order M badges from the local dealership who were having none of it.
"No, no it isn't an M"
"Why can't I buy the badges then?"
"But it will look like an M if I do!"
He used to wash the damn thing almost daily, even during a hosepipe ban during which he had to resort to doing inside his garage.
My old boss had loads of little tics but the one I like the most is that he signed literally every card at work with “Hang loose”. Birthday, wedding, leaving, “hang loose”. Congratulations on your child? That’s, uh, are you sure you want to say that “Hang loose” oh well. So one year we wrote him a birthday card where everyone wrote Hang Loose and he was massively, epicly offended.
One of my ex-bosses used to sign every card twice (Apart from condolence cards). Once in the normal way, with his own name and an appropriate message, once with the jaunty note “I love you, Nigel xxx (The name of one his peers). The reason this was funny was because Nigel took himself hugely seriously and had no sense of humour. As a result, he always made sure that Nigel had signed the card first - apart from one memorable time...
This time, he failed to do so, Nigel noticed. Nigeltook offence. Nigel made a huge commotion in the office. Nigel complained to HR with who then investigated. Everyone else was in on the joke and denied all knowledge. There was even an ‘I’m Spartacus’ moment in a departmental meeting. HR had to close the investigation without a result. I still smile when I think of Nigel.
One of my colleague like to speak to other right in their face i.e. the distance between his face and the other person is about 12 inches but sometimes closer. I think he likes to smell other people breath. Feel like headbutting him for a laugh but I can't coz he is a black belt karate/Jujitsu and I would probably get the chop. Oh ya ... he is also one of my boss.
At our place somebody always adds a few kisses below Jeff Hughes' name on leaving cards. It's become a tradition.
Michael, office manager, who had 4 or 5 bottles of posh aftershave on his desk.
He'd spritz himself maybe 20 times a day with different ones. He clearly had a weird issue about projecting some kind of fancy image with the expensive bottles all pervading smell. Of course, the actual image projected was just being a weirdo.
What was funny was that everyone simply told him constantly that he was odd making him double down on his behaviour.
20yrs ago I worked with Chris. He was 2 cubicles down from me in the open plan office. He stank of stale BO, he just basically didn't wash. HR had a word with him but nothing changed. He was stopped from going to Client meetings - the only break from him that we got - but allowed to stink in the office. He left a year later but it was truly awful, I could smell his presence from the office door 20+m away.
I worked in a lab at a Russel group uni about 10 years ago. I used to get in to work at about 7.30am. The guy in the lab next door who used to get in early too seemed to take offence and started to get in even earlier. I assumed that he just liked being first one in, however, one day I was in earlier than expected and caught him knocking one out in our dark room. Apparently he used to work in our lab, had been doing it for years and considered it his special time!
Every day, for 12 years...... Apparently he would even come in at weekends just for some "me time".
Being a dark room it was hard to tell if he had cleaned up after himself. Turns out the funny small wasn't developer and fixer after all.......
1st proper job after school, large drawing office, worktops all along window wall one of the contract draughtsmen used to sleep under it all lunchtime with his briefcase as a pillow he used to breed budgies as a hobby some of them worth 000's! Same firm different floor, 4 of us in one corner area (land survey dept) one of the surveyors was a smoker which was grim but his chainman would also light up but never actually 'smoke' it, bloody thing just slowly smouldering away a single wispy plume until it died! Years later, QS on site used to go out foraging every lunchtime to collect leaves to eat he would also complain to the cook if she even washed his canteen veg under a hot tap cos that cooked it apparently? current work colleagues have no odd habits! might be cos im not actually working atm I like the new guy though
Company Car issue (same company as the bog). We'd swapped a load of the leased cars round having taken over a company. Some folk got a nice new A4 S_Line, others got the hand me down Mundano's (I didn't have a company car).
We were out on site and got in one of the Mundanos - top of the range Ghia/Titanium - all valleted, looked great and was about to be re-allocated. About 10 minutes into the journey, we were getting over powered by the cleaning agent smell, then kept finding the odd feather in the upholstery.
Out it came - guy driving it said, ah bloke previously was into shooting game. The car came in a right mess. He'd had dead game in the boot leaking juices over the car interior. No farkin wonder we felt shit. I said, this car needs to go back, you can't re-allocate it and we will have to take the losses on it - it was putrid.
Found out which bloke had it (massive brick out house). We did a sponsored car clean a year later for charity - guess whose brand new Audi A4 S Line was a bag of sheite and he let us clean it.... I was Finance Director... FFS.
20yrs ago I worked with Chris. He was 2 cubicles down from me in the open plan office. He stank of stale BO, he just basically didn’t wash. HR had a word with him but nothing changed. He was stopped from going to Client meetings – the only break from him that we got – but allowed to stink in the office. He left a year later but it was truly awful, I could smell his presence from the office door 20+m away.
This wasn’t IBM was it? If so I still have a drawing of his tie which had the same egg stain on it week in week out.
Worked with a lady with impressive levels of body odour, nobody dare tackle her about it. Fortunately she moved on.
There was a guy who seemed to have OCD for cleaning his teeth, everytime I saw him in the toilets he was cleaning them
World's worst boss who would drive at 55mph in the middle lane of the motorway.
The guy who had a flower shop on the side, let everyone in the office down on valentine's Day, was known to deliver in the works van, then got parking tickets in the works van the wrong side of the Pennines. Eventually fired.
Night staff caught sleeping on the job, private investigator stuck coins on the van tyres to prove they hadn't moved.
