Went for a wazz when I worked at an engineering company, heard someone finishing off in one of the traps, flush goes, door opens and Stinky Chris (I presume a different Chris to those previously mentioned) marches straight past the sinks to the door.
"Aren't you gonna wash your hands?" I sez.
"No need", he sez, slightly defensive. "It came out clean".
(Stinky Chris, I dread to add, used to make the brews for the workshop and would wring the teabags out with his fingers - as office staff (and on the advice of the foreman), I never accepted a drink off him, CERTAINLY not after that episode.)
Bumped into him a few years after I left, he'd had all his teeth out as a consequence of drinking two litres of coke every day. Nice bloke, as long as you weren't in a confined space.
I used to work with an Argentinian chap with - uh - spectacularly capacious nostrils. He'd developed a habit of cleaning them with cotton wool buds which he kept on his desk. He did this unconsciously - it was a little weird to say the least having conversations with the bloke when he was rummaging around in his nose. Occasionally, instead of disposing of the sullied bud, he'd leave it up there, hanging out, and he'd forget about it. Work at his computer, chat, make tea for everyone. All of that, with the stick hanging out of his nose.
We used to take bets on how long it'd be before he remembered and removed it - the longest was around 3 hours.
I worked in a publishing house for 11 years. The boss used to take his shirt off midday and iron it, because the minor creases developed from being sat down in it would trouble him. The office manager weighed out how much milk went into her cup of tea, and went as far as making a poster for the kitchen for anyone that made her a brew. There was a sales rep that had a pre-meeting routine that included a soundtrack, fake boxing and growling at himself in the mirror. If he didn't have a restroom available, apparently he just used the reflection from his car window, parked outside the client's office.
Now, I have a boss that twiddles his drumsticks when he's coming up with ideas. I much prefer my current boss.
In the early 90's I did a summer season at my local International Airport, a lot of my fellow seasonal staff were ravers and recreational substance consumers, one guy would regularly turn up to early morning shifts having come from a rave or house party still flying high and proceed to dance around all happy until the comedowns started around lunch time. Another guy who openly admitted to giving his pets and small children blowbacks, used to fall asleep in the office with his eyes wide open, some of the other guys would wave their junk in front of his face.
I had a smelly colleague at another place I worked at, he was a recreational substance consumer too, always wore the same clothes everyday, wife beater top and Man U trackie bottoms, claimed to be some sort of martial arts expert, skinny as a rake ginger hair and brown teeth and very sweaty, hard worker though.
There was the super-greeny (before green was a thing) who always wore Rohan trousers and shirts and who kicked up a fuss when there was a pest problem on site and they put out a load of poison traps, saying they should use humane traps etc. Anyhow he also kept a packet of biscuits in the top drawer of his desk and would slide it open a crack to take a biccy. All good until he started getting crumbs rather than biscuits and slid the drawer open a bit further to reveal the nest of chewed up paper and biscuit wrappers that the mice had made, with them munching their way through the biccies in the opposite direction to him.
The manager of an IT department I worked in never left his office and spent all day playing Second Life. He left his wife for a Dutch women he met on there but had never actually met, who then didn't leave her husband as promised. All very sad. I worked there for about 18mths and never said a word to him.
There was a secret smearer in a large financial services office I worked in. Covered a cubicle in the gents in (presumably) his own faeces. No one ever got caught for it.
Another guy in a local government job used to make random animal noises all day.
Engineering workshop and offices in South Wales.
Cleaners put up a message on back of the toilet cubicle door saying "whoever keeps smearing yakult inside this toilet, please stop!".
I haven't had yakult since.
Proof that working from home is shit - same levels of deviancy just behind closed doors. This thread is ace.
Well Yakult does reach the gut alive 🙂
It wasn't yakult.
It wasn’t yakult.
Ewww, you didn't taste it did you?
I'm now working with a right messy cow, leaves all her mugs in the sink and just expects everyone else to clean up after her.
I can't wait till we're allowed back in the office!
been a few over the years
a guy with very bad dry/flaking skin, he'd come to your desk to ask something, put his foot up on your desk, pull his trouser leg up and scrape flakes off as he was talking over the desk and floor, nice chap though.
a guy who didn't believe in brushing teeth saying they clean themselves naturally, they were covered in a thick layer of slime as far as I could see.
civil service seems to attract some special cases, had a boss who would at least twice a week get bladdered in the local pub and send everyone home when he came back mid afternoon, another one who would crack open bottles of wine for everyone at meetings at 10am (that was actually ok), a lady who hadn't washed her mug for many, many years and it was lined with a thick brown crust.
a very obese colleague who had to have a fan blowing on her on any slightly warm day filling the office with this kind of cheesy sweat smell that made me lose my appetite, and bumped into her taking her bum wiping stick into the loo one day, more unfortunate than odd I guess.
civil service seems to attract some special cases,
Fair point
He used to wash the damn thing almost daily, even during a hosepipe ban during which he had to resort to doing inside his garage
Come on, you know you're here. Own up . :}
There was a plasterer on one site who used to wear a paper bag on his head. Nice guy who was a bit eccentric and who worked like a Trojan, found out later that he was the company owner.
I've also had a couple of compulsive liers, funny but also a bit sad.
One guy who got thrown out by his girlfriend for going on a multi day bender after their first baby was born.
One guy (who I had to tell him as I was the foreman), who would put the same tee shirt and overalls on everyday and stunk, I felt terrible telling him as he was old enough to be my dad. The other guys were thankful though as he did change his ways.
An apprentice (whose last name was Smart) who brought in boardgames on the last day before Christmas as he'd been told by his tradesman that this was expected. Ironic surname.
Another apprentice who had his last name tattoo'd on his back in big letters spelt wrong.
Another apprentice who only worked about an hour a day as he had his toliet breaks and visit to the stores timed to perfection in order to minimise his work time. He strangely took great pleasure in being told that he could make a good spark of he just applied himself.
Plenty of characters still on building sites.
There's this bike forum I'm on.....
A friend of mine recounts a tale of a chap he used to work with named Chester. Chester suffered* from incredible chronic flatulence. Sometimes after a particularly vocal one he'd announce "whoops, better go and check that one!" then retrieve a spare pare of underpants from a supply in his bag and head off to the toilets.
The grodiest bit? Chester's job was Head Chef at a posh hotel. 🤢
(* - if that's the right word, by the sounds of things he relished in it.)
Some of the stuff here!! – https://generallucifer.wordpress.com/
I've just read the first few of those. Scroll on down past all the podcast links (or listen to them I guess), I've literally had a couple of "I can't breathe!" moments.
I dry heave a bit. “That’s bleak.”
😬
Oh gods.
I've started at the beginning and am working my way up. #12, "Duck," it's currently 2am and I think I've just woken up the entire household and probably both my neighbours.
Have a few stories involving one guy, Chris.
Two metres tall. Serious coke and smoke habit. Nicest guy who'll go out of his way to help you. Just don't cross him or piss him off.
Few years back we were in Frankfurt for the IAA car show. Busy exhibition hall. We had been up late the night before (rock star room) and were feeling somewhat under the weather in the morning.
A group of lads next to our stand had the radio on, blaring minimal techno at 9am. Chris goes across and ask if they could either turn it down or put something else on. Ten minutes later and we're still listening to techno.
Chris goes across again. This time he inquires how much the radio cost (75€, as it happened) and whether they led turn it down. Needles to say they didn't turn it down.
Chris picks up a sledge hammer from the tool box, walks over. Takes the radio and proceeds to smash the **** out of it whilst the French crew stood there open mouthed. When finished Chris picks up the various chunks of radio, walks over to one of them and gives him the parts and then proceeds to pull out his wallet and drop 75€ on the table.
Job in Barcelona. We're drinking at a bar where someone has arranged to meet up with some kid who had promised Chris some powder. The guy and Chris go to the bogs. Next thing we hear a commotion out back. Chris is tearing down the toilet cubicles trying to get to the Spaniard who had sold him crap gak.
Many moons ago, I worked in privately owned drift mine. The pit manager would think nothing of taking a piss whilst taking to you. The grimmest part was he hardly turned round whilst relieving himself.
On less impressive levles, I heard about an apprentice at a small accountancy practice, the owner came back from lunch on the aporentice's first day to find the aporentice had set his screen saver to read "I am the best". He didn't make the end of the apprenticeship.
I worked with another apprentice who, within the first week, told us his life master plan was to take out the biggest loan he could and run off to Spain and not pay it back. He didn't make it, either.
Worked with one seriously weird bloke, who ended up on the register. Used to drive around with no trousers or kegs on habitually. Got done for standing stark bollock naked in a tree in a public park.
Same fella had an equally weird wife. No kids, so adopted a load of hamsters instead. As small pets do, these died fairly quickly, so had epic back garden funerals for each of their fur children.
Thing is, after a month or so of grieving, the hurt wasnt healing, so they both had "one last photo" of themselves, with their decaying surrogate offspring. This photo was laminated and kept in his work locker, along with tons of sheets of laminated hardcore porn.
Another boy I worked with was a high -functioning heroin addict, and would openly chase the dragon in the workshop and think nothing of it, leaving his burnt foil around everywhere. Drugs squad raided his locker eventually, found nowt.
That boy was charming and hilarious as well as being one of the most godawful scummy beings i had ever met. We all loved him.
What on God’s Green Earth is a bum wiping stick?
Not quite on the same level as a lot of these, but I worked with someone who’d start every day with one of those huge cups of coffee from Starbucks. So far so good, but when it got down to about an inch left he’d fill it all the way to the top again with hot water from the kettle. No extra coffee, nothing else, just water. This process would then repeat itself over the course of the day, leading to what I can only assume was homeopathic coffee.
Generalucifer....oh jeez, there's over 200 of them, my ribs will never take it.
and further.....
A reprographics factory in the 80's is clearly not that PC a place, and there's plenty that will offend but
Episode 23 - Sid's snake
“And you didn’t see a problem with that?”
“Not really. He’s a professional, isn’t he?”
“He’s a professional doctor, Sid. Not a professional arse poker.”
blaring minimal techno at 9am.
What the Ancoats is "minimal techno"?
Generalucifer….oh jeez, there’s over 200 of them, my ribs will never take it.
I started at the bottom and am working my way forwards.
One word:
Ducks.
I couldn't read any further because I could no longer see the screen.
There is a lot of sadness being described within this thread. Some complete oddballs but also a lot of sad strories
Many years ago in South Africa I work as an IT techie. (early 20's)
We had a guy in our open plan office who was a little weird, but generally a nice guy.
One day he didn't turn up for work, and a few days later we eventually read in the paper that he had been arrested for killing his un born chid, and nearly killing the mother.
I think he is still in jail.
That was a very strange situation indeed.
I spent a few years working in the HM Forces and left in 95. Got a job with a Finance Company. Big Company with a few large offices across the UK.
The department I worked in was full of women...60 plus, and there were 3 blokes.
One particular lovely lady called Amanda used to come in each morning and say " Guess what...?"
"Stockings or Tights? " and would then give a lovely flash of leg....
It was also one of the most toxic nasty offices I have ever worked in. Constant bitching and nastyness.
Then there was "Sqeaky Joanne"...so I asked why is she called that " because she squeeks when she orgasms"
What the Ancoats is “minimal techno”?
WTF is Ancoats? (:
Chris is tearing down the toilet cubicles trying to get to the Spaniard who had sold him crap gak.
I've not heard the word gak in years. I thought it was a slang a mate of mine had made up, never heard anyone else call it that before.
Then there was “Sqeaky Joanne”…so I asked why is she called that ” because she squeeks when she orgasms”
I used to know a lass of Far Eastern descent, I forget where she was from exactly but it wasn't one of the stereotypical big two. She was known as Yip. I first thought this was terrifically racist but nope, it transpired that when she 'arrived' she barked like a small dog.
I should add, I never discovered this first hand and had no desire to do so as she was mad as a box of badgers.
I knew of a very odd pair of lads at my last job that were both into the whole Whey Protein Gym scene. They used to send each other pictures of their morning no2's to compare for some bizarre reason! Wasn't a one-off either, went on for over 3 years before one of them moved to another part of the business. One of them used to also be a fanatical clean-freak so would come into work 20-30 mins early and clean the inside of his van (different allocated van most days), as in to AMMO levels of clean! Every hour or so he would re-polish the inside of the screen too. the transport manager would quietly rotate him round the fleet every month, saved a fortune on proper cleaners.
Every job I've worked has had a smelly co-worker in it, usually some lonely individual with a sad back story except for one. She was a completely normal person on the whole but had a pathological obsession with not wasting water so would wash daily using wetwipes and that dry shampoo aimed at festival goers. She wasn't smelly in a BO sense, more a nasty chemical smell that stung the back of the throat! Took a lot of pressure from the bosses to get her to shower at least once a week to keep the chemical smells down low enough.
One of my colleague like to speak to other right in their face i.e. the distance between his face and the other person is about 12 inches but sometimes closer. I think he likes to smell other people breath.
The one like that in my last job also had no idea about volume control so he would stand 6 inches away from you but speak with the volume and voice projection like you were 600 feet away. He was also a massive bully, layabout and charlatan of the highest order. Nobody liked him one bit.
Ha ha! Thanks for making my blog light up again. I've not added for a while, not since leaving the job at long las during Covid.I'm glad people can still blaze through a couple of hundred of my stories in a few days!
Used to work with a guy whose lunch was often solely a can of cold undrained tuna.
Also another person who left multiple half consumed cups of tea about their desk until a skin of blue mould formed over the surface.
My current place of work, it's just me working in our small warehouse yet one of the guys from the upstairs office has taken it upon himself to lay mousetraps (without telling me!) around the warehouse. He also never checks them? I'll be moving stock around and find dead mice in varying states of decay. There are no foodstuffs in the building.
Very odd.
I worked with a guy that would only go through doorways backwards, if you held the door open for him (which became a sort of game) he'd do a kind of shuffle pirouette.
Over time I worked with him I discovered he also did it getting on/off the tube.
Ha ha! Thanks for making my blog light up again.
Well, holy shit. Welcome aboard, Luci.
I'm about 50 in from the start now. "Quack quack" $%^&ing destroyed me, I think I woke up half the block. I'm giggling again now just typing this reply.
We had a dominatrix working on a programme with us. She would quite happily regale stories of the ‘parties’ she attended at the weekends. She was let go and apparently went on the create a popular website for those interested in her ouvre.
I used to frequently visit government and civil service offices and it always struck me how they used to attract their fair share of ‘characters’ tucked into the far corners of their offices.
