There must be stacks of people on here like me who bottle up their frustrations in the interest of a quiet life. As you age your self-confidence grows but the stresses grow as well. Starting from the outside and working in:
1 - The world is a mess; politicians are corrupt, the environment is goosed and there are too many ill-mannered people. There isn't anywhere I would like to go in this disgusting world.
2 - My job is hopeless; business in export territories has nose-dived with the loss of value of petroleum and I'm spending most of the day chasing Africans and Arabs who don't want to speak to me because they can't pay me.
3 - My area at home is nice but the local Idiot Crew are making life hell for everybody in the street, hanging around on the corner, throwing litter, vandalising, shouting, and there's one idiot who lives ten miles away but whose parents drop him in the street every afternoon then pay for a taxi to collect him late at night.
4 - I happen to live under the same roof as a woman who shares my surname but apart from that the relationship is empty. I get home from work tired after nine hours chasing customers and two drives of minimum 45 minutes traffic, sometimes 90 minutes, to face an evening of complaints, whining, moaning, insults and stupid questions.
5 - Getting to me; I don't have the time to go mountaineering or rock climbing or camping any more but at least I can road cycle from the front door, which keeps me fit and healthy. The black dog of depression hangs around and all through last year I was constantly thinking of ways of committing suicide but came to the conclusion that that would be too selfish and too hurtful to everybody around me and things might get better anyway.
Some will find this familar; I bet all of you bottle it up. I'll be having a rare pint with my old climbing buddy this evening but I know he will spend the evening bending my ear about his own frustrations, same as mine.
How long can you go on bottling this stuff up? How long before the explosion? I'm placid but fear I'm about to go over the edge and do somebody some harm. I've only ever lost my temper once with my wife after she was spectacularly rude to my mother, who she hates.
Need to make a change, dude.
I am not smart enough to know what, but staying on your current bearing is not going to end well.
Good luck.
Bud I can identify with an awful lot of that.
I don't know what the right advice is but sending you empathy.
Many of the things that bother you are beyond your control. Don't waste energy on issues where you have no control, where your input is not welcome or ignored.
Work on the things where you have an input or where you can change things.
Know how you feel.
4/5 for me. 🙁
Hope you enjoyed the pint.
Ah well OP,at least you have your awesome bike race/birthday party to look forward to,oh,and that new bus pass. 😉
I feel your pain as this was me 5 years ago. If you really want your life to change then you need to make a plan and start making steps for it to happen. If it means a new job, leaving your partner, moving to a new area then start planning a way out. I did it and there were plenty of downs, but in the five years Ive remarried, bought a house, got a job that aligns with my values and goals, and can honestly say I'm happy.
It won't be easy, but neither is spending the rest of your life being unhappy, life really is too short.
If you want a chat my email is my profile.
Cheers PCB
You can't change point 1 but you can get a new job, move house and separate from your wife. You've posted about this for a number of years and I know you've said you think remaining married is better for your children but I think that's the wrong choice for everyone involved. It's an awful situation to be in, I hope you find a way to improve things.
You bottle it up over 5 years just getting on with it, then you have a breakdown, then you do a dance with GPs, eventually get the right help and medicated, then you start to see things differently i.e. some things are beyond your control whilst you try to rebuild your life.
It's not a healthy way to live!!!!! Life is too short for that crap:)
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Narrator: [Talking slowly] And this button-down, Oxford-cloth psycho might just snap, and then stalk from office to office with an Armalite AR-10 carbine gas-powered semi-automatic weapon, pumping round after round into colleagues and co-workers. This might be someone you've known for years. Someone very, very close to you.
Make a change pal. I'd start by getting rid of your wife. A home life alone is better than one with someone you despise and who despises you. Why have you let things build to this point? the now is the back then of the future.
I totally understand what it's like to live in a constant state of barely suppressed rage.
There's not a day goes by where I don't consider grabbing a shatterproof ruler and carving my way out through the accounts department and into forensic history.
Maybe today's the day......
Counselling will help you structure what is important, see the wood for the trees etc. Ive been in a similar although less severe place, bottling up doesnt help, a counseller is trained to help. It does sound like something needs to change but it might not be the obvious job/relationhip thing.
Good luck, you need more help than stw can offer, but fwiw i get it.
I bottled things up for too long. I'm now utterly broken and life has completely failed for me. Don't let this happen to you.
Me, I'd phone in sick, turn off my phone, leave the house on my bike and do whatever the **** I wanted for 12 hours. I'd ride around the local forest, sit, cry a bit cycle a bit more, have lunch at the tea hut, cycle a bit more, shout a lot a the top of my voice, probably cry a bit more then go home as if nothing has happened.
I've never done this but it does cross my mind that all that crying and shouting and riding would allow me to harmlessly vent in the privacy of my own space and reduce my stress levels somewhat.
Someone else posted that life in the mid forties typical stwer world is pretty much work, house, wife & kids responsibility with a minor amount of time left for you. Perhaps change that just for a day in a manner that doesn't hurt anyone else.
Make. That. Change.
Job, relationship, home. It's all in your control. And then you'll find that 1/ isn't totally true either.
Different reasons. But yes.
Time seems to be my big stress; there just isn't enough of it. By the time you take out work/commute/spending time with Wife & young daughter there is hardly any time left.
Jobs around the house need doing, but there's no time to do them, or if I do them I sacrifice 'family time'. And it's not even what I would call 'proper' jobs like decorating a room, replacing our side gate, painting all the garden fences......it's just finding time to cut the grass, do a bit of weeding, put the washing away etc....
Several years ago I rode regularly, spent quite a lot of time taking photos & was looking into some new hobbies. I bought a book on woodworking & was planning on learning that, as well as buying the Roger Musson book on wheelbuilding to have a crack at that.
Both books have been well read, but I have barely wielded a chisel & no wheels have been built. There's just no time.
Every now & again it really stresses me out & then dissipates. Last time I was really stressed, I almost just drove up the A1, past my exit towards home & kept going. I was tempted to just drive until I felt far enough away & then find a B&B, turn my phone off & have a few days just doing nothing.....
There's always someone with worse problems/more issue than you, but even then they can still motivate others (or provide a few moments of light relief)
all through last year I was constantly thinking of ways of committing suicide
This is a clear signal that this isn't just some kind of mid-life malaise. Now you've been open about it on here, perhaps take the next logical step find someone neutral - GP/counsellor to chat to about getting some assistance. There's no shame in looking for help on this. Underlying depression can make everything look utterly bleak.
Good luck.
There's not a day goes by where I don't consider grabbing a shatterproof ruler and carving my way out through the accounts department and into forensic history.
You are Jason Bourn AICMFP
I know exactly how you feel, I have cut the flex of the hoover to use as a rope, got it all set up round my neck stood on the chair, but I just didn't have the bottle to kick the chair away, jumped in a river on a very cold January night but survived, these were a few years ago now, but like you the black cloud of depression is always near, I don't have an answer for you, Im still here and today the sun is shining, I feel the same about the state of the world, but there are a lot of good people in the world as well as bad, I had a long talk to my partner yesterday and to sum up be thank full for what you have got not what you haven't, if your healthy your doing ok, like me we just have to figure out where we go next, try and keep your chin up
You are Jason Bourn
Chasin' Bournville more like...
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+1 globalti....
Different shit, same problems.
Get help... Even if it is just talking to friends and maybe worth telling the Mrs how you feel. She may be ignorant of your feelings....
Try making small changes and improvements. Things you know you can achieve. Small achievements build in the long run and make you feel better. Could be as simple as complete 1 house job. Or short ride.
There must be many folks that feel like you do mate.
You have to do something about it
Just make one small change, just for yourself, that will give you something back. Then one by one change more things
maybe worth telling the Mrs how you feel. She may be ignorant of your feelings....
Equally she may feel the same way. I doubt very much that she's blissfully ignorant of there being problems. My partner is pretty aware when I'm not in a good place and is fairly vocal when she's not. Communication is so important in relationships. We've been able to talk things over and come to agreements and compromise that keep us both happy. It is possible to turn things around when all seems a bit bleak in your relationship; walking away should be a last resort.
Start planning to change and then do it.
Thoughts of doing yourself in only seem valid because you are unwell.
1st step. To be actioned today. Go and see your Gp. If you can't see them quickly call the Samaritans.
You need to get some perceptive on this.
It might be shit but it really isn't the end of the world.
No really it isn't.
Step 2. Divide your worries in what you can influence and what you can't.
Is your job shit, yes. Can I change that no. But I could change my job.
Is your relationship pants. Tell your partner tell her you want to change. It doesn't have to end but it does have to change.
Come back to this thread,forum. You are not alone.
I thought like that a while back, seen friends split up, run around hunting for something to make them happy, get happy, then split up again and go back to being unhappy, it's exhausting seeing the amount of effort people put into chasing being happy and not getting it.
There's this kind of expectation in society that you have to have the career, spouse, car, consumerist trappings. If you're unhappy when it doesn't work out like society tells you to go to the GP and get some happy pills or have a breakdown and put the wife under the patio and find another. The get back on the whole cycle and start again with the ups and downs.
I've stopped reading the papers and watching the news. Life's so much easier when you realise that there's a lot of nice stuff going on out there and the BBC telling you how shit it all is is just depressing.
I've never really chased a career, done IT support but never realy gone for consultancy or high paid pre-sales. Just the pick the phone up and help some ungrateful sod work out why they are crap with a computer.
The missus is a pain in the arse at times but mostly she's chilled out and we have a similar outlook so it's not all bad.
Can't say I'm happy all the time, but when I get out on my bike, pick up an XBox controller, read a book then time kind of stops and everything is OK for a while.
Enjoy the good bits and minimise the bad - you even find that some of the bad bits aren't that bad, it's the difference between expectation and reality that's the bad bit.
It's no way an exact solution but going with the flow mostly works for me.
Time to turn all that negativity around.
1) - do what you can to make the world a better place - even if its only in tiny things. smile at people, volunteer for something good. What you cannot change you must simply accept.
2) do not let work define you. Its simply a way of paying the bills. work to live don't live to work
3)Remember the good things - we have clean water and plenty of food, shelter over our heads. What you describe is a minor irritant not a blight on your life. Put it in perspective and don't let it bother you
4)Make the relationship with your wife work. You loved each other once ( and probably still do underneath) give her a hug, tell her you love her, put that effort in. this sort of dysfunctional relationship is usually because of things you both do - so stop doing those things. Be the bigger person. Make that change and she will follow.
5)Make the time. Get out there at weekends and evenings.
sounds like the usual western malaise to me. Depression is endemic in our society as (IMO ) a result of the disconnect we have with the real world. Too many of us strive in jobs we hate to buy things we don't need and as a result when we have it all we remain dissatisfied. That and we don't get enough exercise and time outdoors.
I have been in a similar place but turned it all around. Apart from getting overtired / occasionally stressed by work I am now happier than I have ever been and life is good. It can be for you as well.
Take joy in small things. When you smile at someone and they smile back. When you see a flower. Look up to the sky.
And as others have said - perhaps you need professional help to set you on the road to happiness. Its not a sign of weakness to do so. If your leg is broken you don't hesitate to get help. Why do we not seek help when our heads are broken?
Feel for you Globy. I bet the main thing that's causing you to feel like this is the work situation. If you enjoy work & it's not getting you down you can concentrate on/change lots of the other stuff.
Change jobs but DO NOT join the prison service under any circumstances, It's screwed me up (pardon the pun).
<sticks oar in>
like others, I can't help thinking that a change of job should be priority #1. If I was going to spend up to 12 hours a day on work and commuting, I'd have to really love that job. And that doesn't seem to be the case here.
Obviously I know nothing about your role but if you're bothered by corruption and the state of the environment (point 1), is the petroleum industry the best place to be? Not meant as a dig, genuine q.
Could you change? The time and space afforded could reframe your homelife a bit, be less tired/wound up after a crummy motorway drive home... More time to phone the council about the scrotes leaving their cans of Tyskie on the front wall? 😉
Sorry if this is stating the obvious. I don't know your situation but ditching the job could give quite a different perspective on everything else.
I bottled things up for too long. I'm now utterly broken and life has completely failed for me.
I found myself in a pretty bad place for a time and and had similar feelings. There were two things that really helped. I'd been running for a while but I started to do the park runs and I bought a road bike and joined a club. I'd always been exercising, running and riding and never felt bad when doing either but I think the change to doing them in a more social atmosphere greatly increased there benefits.
hOUNS
I bottled things up for too long. I'm now utterly broken and life has completely failed for me. Don't let this happen to you.
this worries me - houns - please feel free to speak..you know stw someone will listen and can have a good side..!
See if you can get a job working at a charity. Generally good for your sense of wellbeing.
There's loads more I could add but everyone else has it covered, just thought I'd add that in.
If you can afford it (you'd be surprised how much money you save when you have time on your hands), try and get a part time job. Loads of them in charities.
That's what I've done for the last few years and I'm well happy these days. In fact I'm off out into the sun to drink beer and watch a show in the fringe after I do the dishes and hoovering...
I bottled up issues at work, ended up having a total meltdown and being off sick for 6 months. Can't really recommend it tbh but it's one way of getting shit done.
I feel your pain and frustration.
I have self-medicated using legal highs over the years, but each time that has ended badly (the last time I blacked out and took a razor blade to my neck thankfully my wife was around and phoned an ambulance).
I have found that counselling has helped and I also try to repeat the Serenity prayer when I get really frustrated.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things that I cannot change,
The courage to change the things that I can and the wisdom to know the difference.
I really scared myself after my recent suicide attempt and I feel that it was enough of a jolt to the system to kick the legal highs and start to change the things that I can change.
Good luck with it.
Can certainly relate to a lot of that.
Sometimes life just feels like an endless cycle of Work, Train, Eat, Sleep, Repeat. Luckily no item no4 for me, would have driven me over the edge long ago.
And it's not even what I would call 'proper' jobs like decorating a room, replacing our side gate, painting all the garden fences......it's just finding time to cut the grass, do a bit of weeding, put the washing away etc....
Yep, that's exactly where i'm at. House looks like a bomb site. On holiday next week and a good part of it is likely to be spent catching up on that stuff, then right back into the endless cycle without actually having the feeling of having had a holiday.
Sorry to hear how you are feeling OP. I was in a shit place a couple of years ago and I honestly found that anti-depressants helped to clear my head of all the crap. It made me look at what I could change and what I couldn't. A good place to start although it may not work for you.
I bottled things up for a long time and it's not good in the long run. As daft as it may sound give the Sammaritans a call, unloading on a stranger can be rather cathartic. Best of luck to you and others that are going through a tough time.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things that I cannot change,
The courage to change the things that I can and the wisdom to know the difference.
I was going to write this albeit without the god bit but thought it might just come across as yet another platitude but it does work if you can find the presence of mind in time to make it useful.
Shit times, Global. I hope you get through the veil of shit, with gusto!
Edit :
TJ » When you smile at someone and they smile back.
This is always a winner for me. Unless I've locked all the doors and pulled the curtains so I don't encounter anyone.
Not my thread and don't want to hijack it..... But struggling at moment (have been for last 4 months since relationship break up) as had family bereavement yesterday which knocked me for six, but stupidly took up exes offer to meet last night (to talk, first time I've seen her since split) which just tore open everything again. I knew it would happen, I was stupid, but needed her.
Now feeling dreadful/guilty as hardly thinking of lost family member, just thinking of the ex.
You know it was a bad move, Houns, but you also know it will pass because you've already achieved that state before this recent encounter.
Give it time again.
i dont think the OP will mind the hijack...its a similar subject..
give yourself time to get your life back together, wounds take time.
start your own thread, get it properly out in the open..
start your own thread, get it properly out in the open..
http://singletrackworld.com/forum/topic/the-black-dog-1
Trouble is, most are us are conditioned/programmed to take this route into the rat race, as its what is 'expected' of us. Meet a girl, get married, work at your career to give you a big enough income to buy a house, have kids, struggle to support family, keep working hard etc etc.
Its relentless from the age of around 30 (for most) and you need things to go your way to get some enjoyment out of it. When relationships deteriorate and work goes downhill, its clearly going to take its toll. However, for the average bloke, they are pretty much trapped, as they need to pay the bills and support their family.
So...its easy to say 'make a change', but not so easy in reality!
Its not that hard ( although I accept harder when you have kids) It all about deciding what you actually need.
15 years ago I gave up on a career, went to work part time ( my partner works full time) and used all my extra time to make life good for both of us. Thinks like I did ALL the housework, organised weekends away where she had to do nothing but turn up. We took a large income cut from around £45 000 a year between us to around £30 000. She did nothing but work and play, I did all the other boring stuff in recognition of her contribution - and did so happily because it gave us great time off we both enjoyed.
What you need to do is prioritise what you want and what you need - not what you are used to having. We don't have huge material assets ( no car lots of stuff secondhand) but we had a great time wandering around the country on foot or by bike every chance we had.
Back working full time now tho.
Depression is endemic in our society as (IMO ) a result of the disconnect we have with the real world.
Yes. Very much so....
The lives we are lead are so far removed from the world around us that we end up focusing on the wrong things....
likes both of tjagains posts
downsizing is a bit out of vogue but not a bad idea if manageable. The wrong parts of life take up our time. It used to be recommended to take a look at our accounts to see where we spent our money to see if that was what we really intended. Nowadays we really need to do it with our time e.g. did we really need to waste an hour searching for something we had no intention of buying. Did we really need to waste two hours trying to save 30EUR on a booking when it's time we're short of
You are not alone though (as you can see from here). The energy required to sort this stuff out is often more that we have
OP i feel your pain and where your coming from.
Good luck, i can offer advice but i cant take it myself. Hope it works out. 🙁
So easy to take one's eye of the ball when you've been together for many years. Firstly you need to talk with your wife to explain how you feel then see if you can both find a way forward, perhaps involve Relate counselling.
Perhaps before doing this go on a bike ride to somewhere quiet, without the distraction of other people, where you can really think and shed a few tears if you want to. Even scream or shout if it helps. You need to unravel what's going on in your head, may help to write things down.
Your relationship comes before your job right now, that's your priority.
Good luck.
Work on the things where you have an input or where you can change things.
+1
I can't and won't comment on your relationship as there's obviously far more to it than you can put into a post, but job certainly sounds like something that can be altered.
Definitely talk to someone, be it a doctor, counsellor or an old friend. But I'd suggest something has to change before it gives, and you making that change puts you in control.
Oh - and turn off the news!