[Closed] Aspergers - just realised I think I have it?

So I’m an extrovert. I like people. I get energy through conversation. That’s basically the opposite of aspergers, right?

Yep, although we all have different parts of our personalities and see could put you higher on spectrum than others it doesn't sound like you have what would typically be aspergers (not a term that used anymore by the way).
From the 10 key points that would point to it I have around 8 of them and only really realised in my 20's (now 53) and it did at least explained a lot of stuff I went through at school and early work around not fitting in, not being able to hold a conversation, not be able to look people in the eye etc,.

although not on an autistic or asberger spectrum myself my view is that everyone is different. You are who you are. If it helps you to understand yourself and helps others to understand you than a 'label' can be helpful.
I'm dyslexic, having that label has been helpful at times (especially at school).

I guess it’s perfectly rational that I could just be an asshole. I’m perfectly normal but inconsiderate and egotistical who puts himself before even thinking about anyone else.

Maybe that’s the point. It doesn’t matter what the label is/is not, just recognise my limitations and find ways to be better. I can’t remember things which aren’t important to me so I make lists. I ask the missus to write down what she wants and she refuses as she wants me to work it out and stop being spoon fed. It’s an issue but I’ll work out a way at some point I’m sure.

Maybe I just need to work harder at not being an asshole.

A lot of people suggest I'm on the spectrum. They might well be right but I really don't see what difference it makes to anything, or anyone (even me) to have that confirmed or denied officially.

“you must be autistic, why do you understand me, I can’t understand you, why don’t you see these things which need doing” etc etc

That sounds familiar...

I was literally diagnosed a few weeks ago and I'm 35. Unlike yourself, relationships aren't my forte and have always struggled keeping partners as well as keeping in close contact with friends and family. My diagnosis didn't come as a surprise to me as I ticked all the boxes in terms of being an Aspie and I already have dyslexia and ADHD. But my diagnosis did come as a surprise to a lot of my family and friends.

Have you done an online AQ test ( https://psychology-tools.com/test/autism-spectrum-quotient )? If not defiantly worth a go. Unfortunately the NHS waiting list for adults wanting a diagnosis is around an 18 month wait.

I am in a similar position in that I realised I had strong autistic traits later in life. I came to the realisation that actually there was little point in getting a formal diagnosis as by now I had my coping mechanisms in place and was in a secure place in my life. Formal diagnosis or even realisation may well have helped me when i was younger but now? Pointless and taking away scarce resources from those who really need them

I do not think it right to say " I might have asbergers / autism" for people like us tho - it devalues those who really struggle. I now prefer " I appear to have some autistic traits"

Autism is now seen as a spectrum disorder and we are all somewhere on that spectrum although many of us are on or very close to the neurotypical end

But my diagnosis did come as a surprise to a lot of my family and friends.

Mine was pretty much the opposite way round - many friends were laughing at the idea I did not realise. apparently they all knew i was a bit odd / weird. why did no one tell me?

Just did that test. 40 out of 50 and says range is 33-50 indicates autism.

The thing is, I’m not sure whether I answered them honestly or not.

For example, one question was (paraphrased) “I don’t like being spontaneous, agree or disagree”. I like doing stuff spontaneously because otherwise it’s a huge amount of planning I don’t have interest in. But if someone else says “let’s do this” I’m usually
Up for it. So, I like it but I don’t drive it. Is that agree or disagree? I also work in a reactive maintenance world so am now accustomed to my routine changing so it’s not as uncomfortable as it was, so it no longer upsets me but is that because I have coping mechanisms?

I think I am on the spectrum but I guess the question is should I share that info or will it be badly received

The missus says I might be autistic but if I say “I am” will she react badly? Will she think “well he’ll never change as he’s wired differently so we are doomed”? Will she be disappointed and feel betrayed/deceived into loving me? Now she’s stuck involved with someone who isn’t “normal”? Or will it be a realisation and make her less frustrated by my annoying traits?

She liked you before either of you had even considered the idea right, so if she's really the sort to ditch you over a diagnosis, is that a healthy relationship? There is no such thing as "normal" IMO/IME, but I would seek a professional assessment in the first instance.

Most people are actually quite adaptable when they discover something like this about a loved one, it's just new information that both you and your family could benefit from having. You'll still be the same person.

It sounds like the stigma of a diagnosis/named condition is the biggest worry (possibly that inflated ego you mentioned at work?). Honestly the people who's opinions matter won't care, anyone who has a problem isn't worth continuing to know... And the advantage of knowing if you have a specific condition is being able to understand it better, not knowing just means you're never quite sure.

I guess it’s perfectly rational that I could just be an asshole. I’m perfectly normal but inconsiderate and egotistical who puts himself before even thinking about anyone else.

It wasn’t until nearly my 40’s when I realised I was a narcissistic  materialistic ****.  It took a lot of soul searching and thinking really hard about what people were telling me to realise why.  I won’t go into all the details here but because I’ve spent my whole life working hard for myself and my gains and I’d let the achievements and the external praise continue to expand my ego - it was all about me.   Over the past few years I’ve been through a steady journey of change and I’m really happy to understand the reality of the middle aged very average family man that I am.

I’d always known I was different but didn’t know why. I spent my late twenty’s trying to be mad Jack McMad the Drinking, Clubbing hero but all I did was wrack up a load of debt.  Could/should of I have put a label on it as a mental illness?  I don’t know but I don’t think so, I think I was just steered down a path due to circumstances and - being an natural introvert - didn’t have a circle of family of friends to tell me earlier about what an idiot I was becoming.

<span style="font-size: 0.8rem;">TDLR, I’m not suggesting people should not examine the possibilities of illness etc or downplaying the Op, I just think sometimes we are coloured by our surroundings, and people slightly left of centre need a bit of guidance at times.</span>

@rickbst170 so the way I did it was to do 3 of the same tests within the space of a month. I suffer from depression and high anxiety so my mood changes regularly. My final result was 47 out of 50.

Feel free to PM me if you want.

I went through a not dissimilar process a year/18 months ago.

My significant ex used to make reference to my ‘autism’

I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m on the spectrum/neurodivergent on the basis that if I view my life through that particular prism then I can make ‘sense’ of things. One of the main things that helped me work through things was a book Autism and Asperger Syndrome in Adults by Dr Luke Beardon. It’s a pretty slim volume and not a psychiatric text book and easy to read. I had a lot of ‘oh, that seems familiar...’ as I read it and highlighted text that had particular resonance for me which turned out about 30-40% of the whole meat of the book.

There is definitely a genetic component Nd. Looking back I can see some pretty obvious traits in my dad, talking with my brother we both ‘self-identify’ (and he works in the mental health) and my nephew is full blown/non-verbal/unable to look after himself.

I don’t view what I have as a disability, just difference.

Not sure what good a diagnosis would do (other than confirmation) but if/when things normalise I will probably seek one myself...

I’m mid-fifties.

39/50 but then i maintain most men exhibit some form of autism, or autistic traits, its the way we do things.
I have i pretty much dislike most people. No girlfriends, a few friends but only a handful. Lots of cycling acquaintances though. Just tried to save a lady who had a heart attack on wsy home, she was having chest compressions and i have had some firdt aid training so i stopped. So i cant be totally oblivious to other people.

OP. You just sound clever with a
focused, analytical mind and have fitted into an area where you excel.
Digging holes in the road, yes of course you could but you wouldn't enjoy it and it wouldnt stimulate you so you might not be the best person to drive a digger, for example.

I think I am on the spectrum but I guess the question is should I share that info or will it be badly received

It can go either way. I’ve been pretty much ‘out’ about it, I pretty much had to tell my boss at the time as I was suffering from anxiety issues (and displaying signs of selective mutism) that if they weren’t resolved would have lead me to getting signed off. But the people I work with have been mostly sympathetic/understanding (and to be honest had already been compensating for certain things ie I can come across as blunt/abrupt/aggressive at times). My old boss pushed me to OH assessment (bu they were sympathetic to my side of things) and it didn’t really go any further. But I’ve a mate who was diagnosed through work (HFA ADD) and had a negative experience as a result. He ended up moving on from that particular job...

The book I cited earlier has an interest section about disclosure (remember that once that genie is out of the bottle you can’t put it back in...)

ETA: I scored 37 or 38 on the AQ test...

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Autism-Asperger-Syndrome-Adults-Beardon/dp/1847094457

Thanks all. This is really useful insight.

I read this and from the second paragraph titled “consequences for conversations” I see at least 90% of those traits.

https://www.theneurotypical.com/conversation-with-an-adult-with-hfa.html

Then I read this and it hit me, this is exactly what our challenges have been about during lockdown and perhaps the commute each day previously enabled me to process things better. I also now recognise I need sleep or I’m really really useless.

https://sachscenter.com/confused-by-your-man-he-might-have-aspergers/

Finally I read this blog and that’s the one which made me think “shit, I’ll never really be who I perceive she wants me to be” and it made me anxious about having further conversations about it all.

https://autisticnotweird.com/just-found-out/

The info graphic showing positive traits is exactly me 100%.

Also, no friends anymore but I put that down to being choiceful. I accidentally had kids young (22 then 24) so lost touch with friends. I made friends at work but always ended up managing them so chose not to befriend potential subordinates - to be potentially everyone - anymore. I’ve since moved away and have lots of nice things which my old mates don’t (I’m from a fairly poor background and my friends are still all skint) so don’t think they’ll want to do what I want to. They all just want to get wasted still but I grew up and barely drink (we all used to be tearaways and they still are from what I see on Facebook). I don’t mind though, I guess I don’t really feel like there’s a benefit other then when I need someone to talk to to process ideas.

**** knows. Need to go think about anything else. Thanks again though, really really helping.

As regards telling folk. I have as one of my coping mechanisms that i always rigidly tell the truth because i cannot discern when a polite white lie is in order. this can shock folk but people I am working with I explain why i do this.

It also allows people to use the positve aspects. detailed planning being one. I tell folk at work that I need firm direction but set me on a task and it will be done well - but that I cannot chose which tasks to give priority to

I do feel quite strongly however that people in our sort of position should not use up the scarce resources available as there are people in much more difficult situations waiting for diagnosis.

the test for me being " what will a formal diagnosis acheive?" If I had had it when younger perhaps it could have prevented me taking promotions which I was bad at and which made me unhappy but now? Pointless. all a formal diagnosis would acheive is giving me a label

I have some autistic traits, and so does my wife maybe more so and with slightly different things. Things like noises / rattles in a car really bug me, she doesn't notice.
She likes to have everything meticulously planned and listed, I can't remember the last time I wrote a list.
Neither of us really like people that much.

Our profession appears to attract people with autistic traits & OCD / the recruitment process looks for them - I'm not sure anyone has ever actually looked in to it properly but it's something we joke about.

I’m open to seeing a counsellor because I think it could be interesting. I’m very open too, with everyone which is sometimes an issue in some settings.

That said, I don’t think I need a test to validate anything. Knowing what the root cause is (even self diagnosed) feels like it’s sufficient to allow me to work out how to be better at stuff. It sounds like I have a predisposition to certain outcomes from situations so now I recognise I should not just act on them and need to consider whether that outcome will be perceived as normal. Diagnosis from a professional isn’t necessary

although not on an autistic or asberger spectrum myself my view is that everyone is different

I find this outlook strange, if here is a slidin scale spectrum for this sort of thinking, then it means that we are all on it at some level, just some are higher up than others

(As an aside, I just scored 27 in that AQ test.  While I was doing it I was thinking about how people describe me;

Work & athlete: Logical, professional, driven, reliable, hard working, focused diplomatic, difficult to read

Social: Awkward, anti-social, naive, moody, selfish, focused, irritable, Dry SOH, unwittingly cross boundaries, a step too far.

An interesting morning, on the social piece if I go somewhere with people e.g a Club Ride, I find that unless I'm tired I have to work quite hard at conforming to everyones else social standards - observing my place sort of thing. I'm wondering that I have a selfish introspective ego still lock inside me and have developed a socially acceptable "front".  Blimey, more personal development work to do to find the real me!)

just scored 44/50, dont know what to do with that though

Tagnut69 - do nothing until you have 2hrs free to think it though. It’ll get it the way (see how I haven’t put my phone down for 2hrs yet have 12 jobs to do today).

It’s kind of nice to type what’s in my head instead of proof read and alter every line. That’s a refreshing new feeling - it’s ok to say what comes out on this thread. Doesn’t matter if I’m blunt as that’s what you all do anyway

I scored 6, and I would describe myself as a pretty normal/ average adult UK male.

If that helps at all....

I will also say the following.

It is surprising how over represented white men are on the autistic scale, It is always surprising how women an over come the testing (as they seem to be able to, or perhaps have to) develop coping strategies. Also, finally, academic prowess is not a common feature of autism....

Grenade thrown,  I'm off to the shops

21 here although people think im on the spectrum due to my need to organise and label things. TJ makes some sense, im nearly 50 and have become more mindful of my social inadequacies and have developed skills to improve that part of me. Maybe if I'd done that test 20 years ago I would scored higher.

I'm also not sure having a diagnosis is very useful unless you're extreme, much of the rest it comes down to being a bit crap at life which in reality most of us are in one way or another. Being diagnosed as a bit this or that is no more useful than someone telling you you're an arse in social settings. Having a diagnosis doesnt excuse behaviour other people find objectionable.

Again TJ is right, everyone trying to get a diagnosis to explain their personality traits undermines the severity of peoples conditions on the extremes who really need outside help to function.

@nickc your talking absolute bollocks! Let's see your evidence.

Again TJ is right, everyone trying to get a diagnosis to explain their personality traits undermines the severity of peoples conditions on the extremes who really need outside help to function.

Whilst I am not unsympathetic to the argument (there certainly isn’t sufficient mental health resource available full-stop), where do you stop being deserving of help? There is prevalence to suicide, anxiety and other MH related issues. The average age of death for someone with ASD/ASC, according to a Swedish study, is 54 (compared to 70 in a matched control)...

Article in New Scientist by Simon Baron-Cohen "Why autism and invention are intimately related".

talking absolute bollocks!

It’s pretty much acknowledged that there’s a failure to identify girls (and women) early (and that they have to develop coping strategies accordingly)... Presumed societal.

Scored 15 on that test so basically it fits in with my assessment that I'm occasionally a self-centred asshole.

Maybe for the rest of us who feel like we don't fit and there's possibly a screw loose somewhere or something, who every so often wonder if we're 'on the spectrum' there should be a just an average bloke test? So it can reassure us we're on the spectrum of being just an average bloke or at worst, unique or laugh to see a pudding crawl, well yes Mum I would actually?
edit: for coherence.

where do you stop being deserving of help?

deserving is a bit of a loaded word. I would say if your quirks and traits are causing you significant anguish or issues in your life then seek a diagnosis. Think " what will the diagnosis achieve?"

i cam to the conclusion that for me there was no point despite little doubt I have those autistic traits because I have my comping mechanisms in place, I have a good friendship circle and I am about to retire.

A diagnosis can also sometimes act against you in that you have a ready made excuse for being an arse.

Diagnosis at school would have helped me no doubt. Even in my 20s. Now it would merely be an exercise in ego without and tangible gains

A diagnosis can also sometimes act against you in that you have a ready made excuse for being an arse.

Equally, I know someone that if they had a diagnosis would have been able to use the discrimination card to stop a pretty aggressive ‘constructive dismissal’ attempt at their work.

I guess I’m in the I’d like to know as if I’m autistic then I can explain shit/make sense of my life camp.

If I’m not then just what the **** is wrong with me...

Metalheart.

I came to accept that " I have some strong autistic traits" and reading up on this made a lot of sense to me. Indeed one thing I read was a lightbulb moment where I suddenly realised that these autistic traits explained many of the odd interactions. a lot of anguish and soul seaching over a year or two and now I have reached a point of (once again) knowing who I am and most of the anguish has passed

sounds like we are in similar places overall but maybe I am a year or two further down the line.

your talking absolute bollocks!

There's loads of evidence, if you care to look. I'm not suggesting autism isn't a thing, but...Rates amongst the general population (even with increased prevalence of testing and awareness) is less than 2%. Autism is diagnosed in black people up to 20% less than white people and up to 65% less in other BAME groups, There are 4 males for every 1 female diagnosed, and up to 40% of people with autism are likely to have severe intellectual impairments, rather than exceed the average.

These are the facts around autism...The truth is, if you find yourself repeatedly being accused of being a socially maladjusted ****-bag with little of no regard for the feelings of others, and you're a white man with higher than average intelligence...It's more likely than not, that you are in fact a socially maladjusted ****-bag with little or no regard to the feelings of others, rather than some-one bravely suffering with a pathology

I went to Curious Dog at the theatre. At the end Mrs said ‘wow what d’ya think of that’ and I replied ‘seems pretty normal really’. Yep I’m on the spectrum but never diagnosed. Life is good and I generally get on with most people, but we all have our traits and obsessions. Unless it’s a real burden be happy.

Metalheart - PM me if yo want to chat off forum about this.

These are the facts around autism…The truth is, if you find yourself repeatedly being accused of being a socially maladjusted *-bag with little of no regard for the feelings of others, and you’re a white man with higher than average intelligence…It’s more likely than not, that you are in fact a socially maladjusted *-bag with little or no regard to the feelings of others, rather than some-one bravely suffering with a pathology

I was with you on the facts, but you lost me when you called me (and several other people on this thread) a socially maladjusted ****-bag... nice display of regard for other people’s feelings.

Looks like you’re suffering from Neurotypical Syndrome...

Nice touch with the pathology bit.

PM me if yo want to chat off forum about this.

Cheers, I’m good thanks (worked through most this with the help of some aspie friends about a year back).

Appreciate the offer though.

sound

I scored 40 out of 50 on that test, which might explain a lot

You are me with a violin (I was planes and computing). What will you do with a diagnosis? Do you ever think “how do they know that” when somebody reads a situation involving people and interactions, rather than just facts and logic? That’s my standard scoring of how I am.

I filled in the autism spectrum quotient and scored off the scale. My wife is the opposite, so we are average. She filled it in on my behalf, not believing my score, I was still over the threshold! As I said, how will a diagnosis help with your daily life?

I know this isn’t aimed at me

how will a diagnosis help with your daily life?

But, 18 months/a year ago I was this. Now, I guess I’d just like to know... (otherwise I’m a ‘self-identifier’... if that makes sense). But practically? There isn’t funding for something to actually help is there, so in that sense, nothing.