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Phil ,hope all goes well for you pal.meet up at an event soon.Dave
Druidh is 100% correct. Its a tradition alright - one dating from when women were chattels and remained the property of a man - her father before she was married and her husband afterwards. totally disrespectful to your wife to be to ask her father
Text him or drop him an email, it's the 21st century FFS
mate, after doing it on the phone to the father in law who was overseas, I would highly recommend face to face . in retrospect i realised its only fair - a once in alifetime thing and hes spent 16+ years raising her!
What if he says no?
don't respect the father in law ,didn't ask.
Alright how about this as a compromise - ask her, then once she has said yes, test the water to see if she would be offended if you felt it traditional to ask her dad. That way you start your future marriage on the right foot. Thats what I did really. She was chuffed that I asked (WOW I know , she'll never be a womans rights activist will she ?) and so was he. I was a bit pissed when i got round to it buts that because he took me to the pub. All these folk up there ^ who claim its disrespectful need to remember that everyone thinks differently and what you find disrespectful may not be the same for the next man/woman/hemaphrodite.
Sorry, have we just flashbacked to the 1890's? Asking permission of the future father-in-law to marry his daughter?
How quaint.
That's disrespecting your girl that is. Women no longer consider themselves to be the possession of men, to be passed on by agreement.
I suspect the whole marriage agreement thing is between the man and women concerned. I dont think anyone is saying the parents have to be asked before the future bride. Are they??
I think most women in this position would enjoy tradition, It plays a large part particularly where marriage is concerned.
I think its an opportunity where you can either please your future parents in law by following it or you dont. If you don't you gain nothing (except maybe a huge leap forward for human rights in the UK!). If you do you may just make them very happy.
You need to decide from what you know about their parents as to how this will be viewed.
If you really want to ask the father NZcol may have the best compromise - ask her first and ask her about asking her father.
There are certainly women I know who who be insulted if you asked her father first
surfer/nzcol (and others) - did you actually read the OP? The question was about asking the F-I-L [i]first[/i].
No I wouldn't just ask the FIL first, but in my case after I'd popped the question we discussed it and the missus said her dad would be well chuffed if I did it the "old fashioned" way and asked him! I did, he was delighted, in fact he was genuinely happy and everybody was happy ever after 🙂
Druidh is 100% correct. Its a tradition alright - one dating from when women were chattels and remained the property of a man - her father before she was married and her husband afterwards. totally disrespectful to your wife to be to ask her father
Yup, if he says no, would you then give up on her?
If you would still ask her to marry you anyway, then asking him is just an empty gesture that you don't really mean.
If you wouldn't marry her, then you are treating her as property of her dad.
Joe
if he says no he's going to be pissed off regardless?
My cousins getting married in the summer and her dad seemed well chuffed he'd been asked.
As for it being an outdated tradition, how many people on here celbrate christmass, and how many believe in the big man upstairs?
This is not a spoon - neither of those signify ownership of a woman by a man.
For what its worth I dont celebrate christmas nor do I believe in god
surfer/nzcol (and others) - did you actually read the OP? The question was about asking the F-I-L first.
Then no I dont agree!
From a womans side ( mine). All my friends and female relations had boyfriends who asked the permission of the father. All our fathers were in their 60's and much appreciated the gesture.
We as woman ( rightly or wrongly) were not thinking about history classes or upsetting the womens libbers.
I think NZcol has put it well.
druidh - I am not disappointed that you are married ( very happy for you infact). However I would be disappointed, had we met and I found you fanciable and started a long relationship which made me want to spend the rest of my life with you. 🙂
Bunnyhop - Memberdruidh - I am not disappointed that you are married ( very happy for you infact). However I would be disappointed, had we met and I found you fanciable and started a long relationship which made me want to spend the rest of my life with you.
I'm confused 😕 But just in case you're chatting me up, here's a photo...
[img] 
[/img]
Hubby is out riding, hope your wife doesn't see this, so...... COR. 😆
Oh and just to get back on topic. Let us know the outcome Phil.
They do say black is very slimming Druidh
😉
Lol @ T'J.
I was infact admiring the view, that it was a while before I noticed him. 🙂
Will let you know how it goes! Still haven't had the bottle yet. Made easier though that hes coming dow on Tuesday so i guess thats D day!
See you at an event Dave
As for it being an outdated tradition, how many people on here celbrate christmass, and how many believe in the big man upstairs
That's a bit different. Having a pissup in the middle of winter is a wholly benign tradition that doesn't have any negative connotations.
MAte asked my father in law before I asked my (now wife) dont regret it at all its a nice tradition best of luck mate!!!!! worse bit for me was the tought that I'd asked him and what if she said no I would have felt like a right muppet!!!!!!
Let us know how it goes mate!!!
molgrips - MemberAs for it being an outdated tradition, how many people on here celbrate christmass, and how many believe in the big man upstairs
That's a bit different. Having a pissup in the middle of winter is a wholly benign tradition that doesn't have any negative connotations.
And it pre-dates christianity by some number of years....
druidh, are you, erm, posed? next to the entrance to your secret underground hideaway?
Good luck mate, I for one would ask my gfriends father. Its probably seen as old fashioned but its nice.
yes but going back far enough, owning your bride to be with a club (hence the modern use of the term "wooden" to refer to bad suspension) and carrying her back to your cave was acceptable.
So actualy the OP's question is quite foreward thinking, in a neaderthal kind of way.
Totally agree with asking him: nothing wrong with a bit of tradition. When I did the same with then GF's FIL he was very chuffed, but knew it was coming because my then GF had teed him up for it.
BUT, it is the 21st century so you absolutely need to propose to your GF first, get her acceptance, then ask the FIL. I think your GF would be very pi**ed off if you went behind her back. She should be the first to know. What happens if your FIL is talking to her 10 mins after your conversation with him and spills the beans?
I'm amazed that so many people ask the father. Perhaps it relates to the age and status of the woman concerned. I'd left home long before anyone proposed, my father had Alzheimer's when my 1st husband did it, and was dead long before my fiance popped the question. Well, we sort of agreed over a pint it would be nice to get married some time...
As a mother of a 12 year old, I'm beginning to see that some time in the future there will be spotty oiks hanging around my lovely child and not looking forward to it. But the one that wants to actually marry her will be the least of my worries. I hope by then she'll be old enough to know her own mind.
[i]What happens if your FIL is talking to her 10 mins after your conversation with him and spills the beans?[/i]
My dad did that with my sister... basically what happens is that it's hilarious for everybody other than him!
Arent those people slating asking for permission a bit hypocritical. They are calling it an outdated tradition, but isnt the act of marriage based on a tradition?
I started going out with my girlfriend at 15, her parents basically brought me up as my parents moved away. I asked her dad if i could marry her when i was 24 and we have been married for 10yrs this year. Her mum even went with me to collect the ring before we flew off on holiday where i planned to ask her.
I have respect for her family and tradition so i made sure i did things properly. Maybe thats one of the reasons why i feel that the vast majority of marriages are a sham imo and all about the day rather than the strong foundations they should be about.
I grew up with my wife, i have spent my entire adult life with my wife and i plan to die beside my wife. I found that recent story about the old couple with cancer who went away to die together amazing. Its how i would like to go (Without the cancer!)
when my dad first asked my grandpa the answer was no. he was informed that he should get a better job and then come back and ask again, which he duly did. 😆
i think it's a nice tradition but understand that some people see a negative connotation to it. I fully intend to ask my gf's dad as and when.
I asked on the basis I knew it was a done deal anyway and I knew they'd not have a problem, but for some people it's just a nice thing to do. I'm sure if he'd been a gruadnog reading chinless get he'd have then sat me down and warned me I was subverting Emily Pankhurst or something, but he's a rock hard sun reading warehouse man who believes Elvis is still alive. And he loved it.
My approach - went over to their house. Whilst her dad and step mum were in the kitchen, we wandered in together and I said "got any big hats, and what you like at knitting, grandad?". My wife was pregnant, see. And it was Blackpool so that was the local equivalent of my being Walter Raleigh in a puddle challenge. They were chuffed to bits and it felt really nice.
Do it!
Done... and he said yes no problem, been expecting it for a while! 🙄
Said i didn't have to ask but he respected me more for doing it. No as bad as i expected i kinda just blurted out " do i have your permission to marry your daughter" then kinda explained it a bit better.
He laughed and said what happens if she says no.....
Cheers all though! For future refrence id definetly advise people to ask
Well done mate now for the hard part asking your Gf if she wants to marry you............. Good Luck 😀
I asked by phone as my fater-in-law (to be) was flying to Canada the next day for a 6 month work trip! Otherwise I'd have asked in person.
Phone him.
ring, ring, rind ,ring...."sorry we're not in at the moment but if you'd like to leave a message after the tone we'll get back to as soon as we can..........beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep!"
"hi grandad..................................iiiz gotta do the right thing... and in the next few months before shes fat........errrrr.... we think 12 thou should cover it.. ....errrrr.... errrrr...we weren't gonna say owt about it to you and just nip off and do it on the sly like, but...........errrrrrrrrrrrrrr, i've just lost me job and spaffed all my cash on a new bike, errrrrrr anyway, errrrrrrrr ......ummmmmmm *uncomfortable silence...* hey, if it's a boy we're gonna name it after you, that ok isn't it?, anyway let me know when you need more details..can't chat now as i'm off for a ride...cheers...."
Right quick update for you all!
Question asked on Saturday, on one knee as well, and the reply was yes 😀
So now she starts planning! Wedding mag already bought....Wedding fares planned..Where have my Sunday rides gone? 🙄
I've started practicing the "yessssssss dear"
Don't forget to shave the small patch on your forehead for the thumb-print. 😉
Congratulations Phil. Hope you will both be very happy and long-wed.