Friend of mine has found out hes going to be a Father for the first time (not planned/a shock). Hes kinda mixed up- Fear/scared, reluctant (and scared). Is this normal?
Thought all fathers to be were supposed to be grinning, cigar-smoking happy-types? 😯
Totally normal!
What is the situation? Married? One nighter?
Makes a huge difference!
Longterm (and very happy) relationship
Longterm (and very happy) relationship
A good start!
Do they want the child? Are they both career minded?
Recession, not a goodtime is it?
If he really enjoys his lifestyle now - things are going to change radically
Whether or not he'll enjoy his new life as much is up to him
Friend of mine
Hang on, we have heard that before on STW!
Whether or not he'll enjoy his new life as much is up to him
That sounds about right - he can't change what is now a reality so he should learn (quickly) to embrace it. I am loving being a father (just over six week old twins), but then again we went through IVF and lots of heartache to get where we are and wanted it badly.
When I found out my GF was pregnant I experienced some pretty negative emotions. We had been together less than a year and neither of us wanted kids. We had a massive row over it and things were unpleasant for a while but I MTFU, accepted my responsibility and when our daughter was born 3 weeks ago I was absolutely over the moon. We are back together and looking forward to a future as a family 😀
don't worry Penguinious, you will be fine. 😉
Its totally normal to be scared/apprehensive/reluctant when you first find out. Its also totally understandable to be concerned about money.
You will cope. You will learn how to make a quid go further, you will learn how to get by with less sleep and less free time and, most importantly, you will also realise that you never really knew what unconditional love actually was until you hold your own child in your arms.
He needs to ask the following:
Does he place a high value on an active and varied sex life?
In fact: ANY sex life?
Does he like sleep?
ANY sleep?
Does he quite like having a disposable income that amounts to more than the loose change he can find down the back of the sofa?
Does he think mountain biking at weekends is over-rated?
Would he much rather be spending the days looking for .... oh I don't know... a decent nursery?
Recession, not a goodtime is it?
it's never a good time financially cos they cost a fortune.
Changing bikes/parts less often will actually be a blessing. A purpose/new focus so to speak. Its the fear about money mainly.
and why have you changed your name hora?
you will also realise that you never really knew what unconditional love actually was until you hold your own child in your arms.
Jeez - I almost feel like blubbing just reading that - it is sooooo true. The way they look at you as you hold them is magical. I could stare into my two's eyes forever, hold them non-stop. 🙂
ha ha - it's Hora 😀 😀
Have you finally succumbed then Hora? I thought you were immune to her badgering?
And I thought there had been laws passed about you being allowed to breed 🙂
and why have you changed your name hora?
Everyone has that dual name feature on their profile?
mastiles_fanylion- going to remember that when they are screaming at you for not letting them drive your car or see their new squeeze..
going to remember that when they are screaming at you for not letting them drive your car or see their new squeeze..
A long time till I need to worry about that one - I choose not to think about it yet 🙂
I could stare into my two's eyes forever, hold them non-stop
wait until they get to 2 or 3!
wait until they get to 2 or 3!
or 12 or 13 🙂
They don't HAVE to cost a fortune. Buy sensibly, avoid all the latest, must have baby lifestyle malarkey and it's not too bad. Can't see I've noticed a huge impact on my disposable income, but maybe the not going out is balancing out the cost of nappies, and so the status quo has been maintained 🙂
It's ace, end of. I was shanghai'd (sh*t on , p*ssed on and puked on) by junior w2k t'other day and all I could do was laugh!
You know one of the first things he thought? Will need to get rid of all the bike kit and buy a fully rigid Swift that will last 20yrs 😆 😥
right the money thing:
1. Gnless you are on amazing money you will get assistance from the state - child benefit, tax credits and your partner is entitled to 12 months maternity leave, 9 of it paid and her company will have an additional scheme in place where she'll get approx 90% of her salary for a set period.
2. Got a mortgage? take a mortgage holiday for 3/6 months
3. Start putting a few quid a week away now - it adds up
4. DO NOT stress about cots, pushchairs etc ebay is your friend and believe me there will be people queuing up to sell you stuff at cheap rates if you don't get everything from family and friends
Kids cost money, there's no getting away from it but you will get through, you will learn to budget far better than you do now and it will be alright.
reluctant grandad to be.............
as i type my 17 yr old son is at the hospital with his 17 yr old girlfriend, who is being induced today............ 😥
They don't HAVE to cost a fortune
Are you sure?
Twins starting uni this year & another one next
I meant initially uplink. No doubt they are a financial drain in later life!
Buy sensibly, avoid all the latest, must have baby lifestyle malarkey and it's not too bad.
This is hora we're talking about. He will kickstart the economy on his own with the amount he'll be spending on designer baby clothes
oh and congratulations Hora 🙂
or 12 or 13
My nieces have just turned 11 and 12 (sisters) and I adore them - if our two are the same, I will be happy. In fact, I am just chatting to them both at the moment on MSN as they both got iPhones for their birthdays (spoiled I know)!!!
let alone the amount of cots/prams etc he'll get through before deciding which is the right one.
Seriously though, congratulations to your "friend" hora 🙂
[i]DO NOT stress about cots, pushchairs etc ebay is your friend and believe me there will be people queuing up to sell you stuff at cheap rates if you don't get everything from family and friends[/i]
For your first child its easy to get sucked into the whole baby merchandise thing and been convinced you must buy everything. We bought loads of junk we never really used and never replaced it by the time our second came along.
This was also true of food and sterlising: for our first, everything was sterilised to within an inch like as if everything was carrying H1N1 and food was all organic baby food. For the second we were much less disciplined with sterlising and our second was on solids much quicker.
Perfectly normal to be apprehensive. It's a big change, but then again it's going to happen anyway so no choice but to get on with it.
It's like Invasion of the Body Snatchers - once you've become a parent you can't understand why you worried. Apart from the lack of money, time, sleep, and being the least important person in the house from now on.
On the other hand in many ways it makes life a lot simpler - you now have a purpose in life so no existential worries. Just practical ones.
12 months maternity leave, 9 of it paid
6 + 6 months isn't it, 26 weeks paid - remainder at discretion of employer
Congratulations mate. I cannot believe there are to be baby Hora's
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My nieces have just turned 11 and 12 (sisters) and I adore them - if our two are the same, I will be happy.
yeah TBH - that's not a bad age really
13-15 for daughters is difficult for a lot of folks
On Cots etc. My 'friend' has already started on this...with the 'green' angle on his SO (reuse friends's kit etc- dont waste the planets resources). Don't buy many toys as the dog will have them...let friends buy/donate things.
My mates son is 14. His Stepmum (a good friend of ours) walked in on him 'learning about his body' is probably the best way of describing it. She then made the mistake of telling me and ever since I wind her up royally!! 😆
13-15 for daughters is difficult for a lot of folks
I bet it is - I have crucified my brother relentlessly for the last 11 years about having two girls coming into their teen years so close together and all the hassle it would bring.
Then have twin girls of our own. LOL!!!!
Kids are both the most rewarding thing in your life and the biggest source of stress all at the same time.
They are, however, ace.
Wonder what he/she will look like (half Chinese)
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same haircut and weight problem as you
Oh yes, sorry forgot that bit - congratulations Hora. It's a big thing to happen but it's for the best.
Binners you typed 'chinese hora' into google didnt you? 🙄
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[/img] My friend's little boy is half chinese and is very cute looking. The other one is my youngest - 1 year old on sunday 🙂
The rules of baby care change as they come along.
Child 1 has all equipment sterilised and cleaned before junior gets it.
Child 2 gets a dropped toy/dummy rinsed and handed back
Child 3 gets it licked clean by a parent and handed back
Child 4 the item gets returned after the dog has licked it.
I can't bloody wait to see you after a few weeks of zero sleep. You make little enough sense at the best of times 🙂
I know a malaysian/white couple who's kids are really cute. They are both moderately good looking though........:-)
hora, do you a deal....................
your orange, for my pram, cradle, bouncing chair and milton cleaning set........... 😉
ton. That was my last extravagance.
I'm going to be selling as much stuff as possible now- no more Chameleon/stuff etc etc etc 🙁
Don't forget your first port of call when flogging stuff Hora. I'll do you a deal on lending you my kids, so you get used to things 🙂
Is this a Gruffalo...
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or just a troll?
HTS. I BLOODY wish. Too late to turn back the time. No chance of a refund/return. No way back. Feels vaguely like the roller coaster is waiting for the last people to get on before the off
binners- no. You can have my dog instead. Your youngest likes bingo!
Hora enjoy it, it's bloody hard work, but very rewarding!
HORA – they are humouring you
THE TRUTH
They deprive you of everything you hold dear like freedom ,time, hobbies, a [sex]life and money.
They constantly demand your time and affection and reward you with strops mood swings and urine soaked furniture.
They are a barrier to any kind of relationship with your partner or indeed friends as apparently iirc you can’t leave them unattended ever an as you do nothing else but spend time with them you have no other conversation topics.
If you try to support the mother with the task of looking after the baby she will hear the words “ are you saying I can’t cope ?” an argument will ensue in the morning you will both be so tired you knew you argued but not what about. Despite this it will still be your fault.
The children will initially hang on your every word as youngsters and then slowly bleed you dry of all your self respect and every penny you have (whilst belittling you for being old/out of touch/stupid)before disappearing at 18 into some sort of drug /drink fuelled oblivion that does not involve you till they require bail from prison, protection from their pimp or a character reference in court
Enjoy.
Not a troll?
In that case.
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Silly old Harry! Doesn't he know, there's no such thing as a Gruffalo? 😉
Money won't be such an issue - what you're spending on nappies, prams, clothes etc - you won't be spending on pints, films and eating out.
"A Gruffalo, what's a Gruffalo? "
"A Gruffalo, why didn't you know? He has terrible tusks and terrible claws and terrible teeth in his terrible jaws."
The BBC are doing an animated verion for Christmas. It'll be great, the Gruffalo rocks. The mouse is a bit of a cocky #### though.
Hora can record it and watch it when he has a spare half hour... in 2012.
what you're spending on nappies, prams, clothes etc - you won't be spending on pints, films and eating out.
I agree - I have hardly touched my bank account in 6 weeks as I haven't been out since. Just spent a little on sweets (for the much-needed sugar-rush).
[i]Money won't be such an issue - what you're spending on nappies, prams, clothes etc[/i]
No I am going to be [s]green[/s] ****in tight. I know things like buggies can be soiled/unhygenic but other items can be reused/shared between friends. After all, a kid might only wear a certain top for <6months so there is plenty of use left in them arent they? Its only 'icky' if its from an unknown source IMO.
Congratulations, perfectly natural to be shocked and don't worry about the money you do get some help, although doesn't take a huge wage to knock it down. Also on your first you will find family buying you loads of stuff.
To think the times you posted you never going to have children, so unlike you to change your mind. Just remember you can't change your kids every few weeks.
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[i]don't worry about the money you do get some help[/i]
Ha! Given the amount Hora spent on bikes I seriously doubt that he qualifies for financial aid of any kind from the government. In fact, I'm surprised anyone on more than minimum wage does.
Yeah - we haven't spent much on stuff yet - I reckon £1.2k tops (on two)
Pushchair system from mother/father in law
Cots from my mum
Loads of clothes from all over.
We had just the car seats as a major purchase, then bedding, boring everyday clothes etc.
We also were given lots and lots of s/h clothes from friends and borrowed things like Moses baskets.
oh, and if you have a boy he will piss in your face at some point during a nappy change.
Enjoy.
Get a Phil & Ted now to save money when the second comes along.
Dont get suckered into buying anything from Bugaboo, overpriced WAG baby gear.
Can recomend an AngelCare Monitor for peace of mind.
Oh, & if the mum is a bit older a Nuchal Fold Scan is a good move, especially if they show you in 4D. Amazing.
And a new car with Isofix mounts.
Get a Phil & Ted now to save money when the second comes along.
So the one underneath can stare at nothing but the back of another chair all day 😉
I really don't like the P&T as a double.
We got one of these...
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Which is, of course, useless as a single though...
Drac after almost 18yrs of alcohol-fueled life, overweight and bike saddles I didnt think it'd take two weeks. By agreeing I thought I'd bought upto 2yrs+ of breathing space. Not preggers within two weeks FFS.
mastiles_fanylion...ours are 18 months apart so wasn't as much of an issue as the younger one was too young to be that bothered. Also, having the younger one lying flat is a bonus as its genuinely usable from birth. The cocoon thing that the younger one goes in is pretty good also.
Can see your dilemma with twins...buggy above looks good.
Have you got a trailer for them yet ? 🙂
When I found out the missus was pregnant, I was all of those things; shocked worried, pissed off, we were both in good jobs, life was on the up. And you know what? It's a cliché but he made our lives complete, and really rather f&*king wonderful, as does his sister.
Taking him to his first gig soon. 😀
With regard to takisawa's post above - before you embark on any diagnostic tests (of which there are plenty!), ask yourselves if you would terminate the pregnancy in the event of a possible problem. If you wouldn't, then don't bother with them. The nuchal scan is only an indicator, and can only be confirmed by amniocentesis (sp?) which carries a risk of miscarriage.
Good luck! 🙂
[i]. By agreeing I thought I'd bought upto 2yrs+ of breathing space. Not preggers within two weeks FFS. [/i]
Hahaha! Yeah I calculated the same and it was about 6 weeks of trying properly, same with the second one.
I wouldn't go back, although I had ride my bike now, not been to the Alps for about 4 years and see less of my friends. It's brilliant though and soon gets better as they get older.
When I found out the missus was pregnant, I was all of those things; shocked worried, pissed off, we were both in good jobs, life was on the up. And you know what? It's a cliché but he made our lives complete, and really rather f&*king wonderful, as does his sister.
Im taking as much solace in that as I can!
Taking him to his first gig soon.
A few weeks ago I took our friend 3month old son on a trip to the local Co-op (in one of those chest carrying things). Didn't have what I wanted so I ended up taking him for his first ever visit into the local Bargain Booze. 8)
[i]And a new car with Isofix mounts. [/i]
Last few cars had them and the many car sears we've been through, awful things so never used them.
LOL,
I USED to race triathlons, now a simple visit to the pool or a snatched turbo session is a luxury! Yes, they will set you back an absolute fortune that only becomes more expensive as they grow up... unless you want to live in a cave.
You either have massive income to pay for child care every day, or belong to a massive family network (who love your child)? If not, then it's a bloomin hard slog.
So, as an honest person I urge you to HTFU
Chin up 🙂
see less of my friends
This is the bit that's worrying me. Got a 2 week old, just back at work, and I can already see that the chances of me seeing my mates has gone to slim to **** all while the likelihood of me riding a bike for anything other than commuting at any point in the next three years is even less. Mostly I'm worried that I'll have zero time to exercise and will turn into a fat middle aged man and when I finally do have any time to ride a bike I'll be physically incapable of doing it.
Not (yet) seeing any upsides of having a kid, but expecting that to change with time as he starts to meaningfully respond to the outside world.
having the younger one lying flat is a bonus as its genuinely usable from birth
Yeah - it is pretty much required - that buggy we have takes car seats and totally flat cribs too. 🙂
We hunted high and low and finally got what we wanted.
I had to sell my Lotus, but it was worth it.
Welcome to Club Dad, usually to be found Overdoing it A Bit on some singletrack very close to home.
Pack as much into the next 5 months as you can, then brace yourself - no one can adequately describe the change it brings.
If its a girl ----------------------------------------------------->