I've got myself into a right mess. I've had a lot of health issues for the last few years and over the last six months or so I've developed a motor neurone problem, it's not full on motor neurone disease, but has a marked effect on my balance, ability to walk and I'm in a lot of pain.
The thing I'm finding most difficult is the effect it's had on my mental health. I had a consultation with my neurologist on Friday and before the appointment I was hoping that there was something really disastrously wrong with me, that's a terrible thing to say and I feel so ashamed of thinking like that, but that would at least have offered a conclusion to the situation.
I've read several threads on here about mental health, and while I've been sympathetic, I've never really understood what being depressed is like before, it’s so very far from just feeling a bit down. Now I feel that nothing is worthwhile and I might as well not be here. I have a wonderful, supportive wife, a lovely home and, health aside, pretty much everything anyone could wish for, but I feel I've let everyone down. I do, however, know that doing away with myself would the worst way I could let everyone down.
All this has hugely affected my performance at work, they've been very understanding and now let me work from home 3 days a week, but while I can do mundane tasks like reviewing design documents (yes I work in IT) I can’t do anything innovative or concentrate for long periods. Until now I've managed to keep it under control but if I carry on like this it'll become increasingly obvious that I can't do my job properly. I have a pretty responsible job that I get well paid for, but it's got to the stage that I have to come clean and tell them that I'm not able to carry on doing the role. Maybe a month off would allow me to reset my brain. I’m going to ask for time off at work, but every time I start talking honestly about my situation I start to break down, so I’m going to send the boss an email describing how I feel just before meeting with him.
I feel much better having written this down.
Wish me luck.
You don’t need to ask for time off. Go to the GP and they will be able to provide you with a sick note to allow you time to reset.
Don’t beat yourself up you going through a lot physically and mentally.
Some time of to reset will hopefully mean that you can get back to doing the role as you want to.
Well done on open up, even to randoms on here. I cannot see how you have let anyone down, try not be so hard on yourself.
There is loads of support available - see if your consultant has a specialist nurse who can help or signpost? Support groups associated with illness are great resources, even if not MND they may know where can help, or have sub sections can support.
Also worth a chat with your gp, get signed off for a bit allow you headspace and adjust to the new information - it's a lot to take in and perfectly normal to feel like you are.
Does work have an EAP? See if can access support via that as may be quicker than NHS route to start with.
Finally, keep chatting on here, as you said is awesome place for support, and allows you not feel are burdening family. Again, we'll done opening up here, it's a hard 1st step. You have nothing to be ashamed of, and don't talk yourself out of a job take some time see how you cope and discuss adaptation to your role and responsibilities long term - if have diagnosed long term health conditions you are legally quite well protected.
Firstly, sorry to hear about your situation. I hope that you manage to navigate your way through it.
We had a family crisis at the end of last year which completely overwhelmed me. I found emailing my boss about what was happening made it easier for me to talk to him as we could just deal with what was required workwise.
I tried like you to juggle work and my own mental issues but eventually went to the doctors and got signed off. Best thing I could of done. It gave me headspace to focus on the issue at hand and relieved some pressure from work and it meant they knew I wasn't available for a short while
I appreciate your circumstances are different to what I went through, but get yourself signed off work for a while. Give yourself a chance to focus on you and not worry about work for a bit.
It sounds like a good chat to your GP will do you the world of good.
Oh and keep posting here, this place helped me a lot.
Steve
Where I work, we have an employee assistance service who can help with stuff like this. It's a third party, completely confidential and free. Maybe enquire as to whether your company has something similar?
A lot of sense already spoken - if you need time, take time. You've already done the most important thing by talking about it
Sorry to hear what you're going through, it can't be easy. But as above, talking about - or even just acknowledging the mental challenges - is a start.
Definitely talk to work if you can; and although it's tough, doing it f2f with your boss might be slightly easier for him/ her to empathise with and understand than a big email. If you can't do f2f, then email is still better than not saying anything; and it'll definitely make things easier when it comes to asking for/ showing a doctors note specifying time off.
Chin up - as someone smarter than me once said "this too will pass", and while it's not much consolation right now, things will improve if you can keep putting one foot in front of the other (and take time out to help reset)
Employers prefer that you get signed off before you balls-up a large contract or project. Take the time offered by you GP and try to get some talking therapy (may need to pay for it to jump waiting lists). Also (and unusual for here) go ride a bike, walk the dog or just hike around the country. Have a look at Binners article in the mag (yes, there is one) it talks a lot of sense.
Do what you can but don't get upset if you can only achieve small goals to start with. You're mending a broken body part, that takes time. Don't shy away from a bit of chemical help from the GP but do recognise if the prescribed drug is not doing anything and ask for another. (There's a huge book of drugs the GP can consult for an alternative).
Good luck and come back here as we like a bit of mental health support for our cyber-mates.
Thanks for the responses. Lots of good advice although unfortunately I'm not able to go for a walk, but I can still gor for a 2 or 3 mile bike ride on the flat. Tomorrow morning I'm going to make a GP appointment, and a schedule a meeting with the boss for the afternoon after that.
I started to talk to my wife about this but couldn't get further than the first few words, so I showed her this thread, she was touched by your replies, and told me she had been worried that I mught do myself in. We had a good sob togther, worked out what I was going to do, and I feel now that there is a way forward, as Churchill said "If you're going through Hell, keep going". It's an odd but widely acknowledged fact that, on this subject, talking to a bunch of people I've not met is easier than talking the person closest to me.
What an awesome start. Don't underestimate just how much difference having a bunch of time off can make to your ability to think again.
Chronic disease is called 'chronic' for a reason so cutting yourself some slack will undoubtedly help. Can certainly relate to your comment about concentration but learning about your condition may give some sense of ownership, knowledge is power as they say. Hang in there.
Glad to hear the update - you really have taken the hardest step of starting the process of talking to people and have the support at home.
As others have said, keep talking - even with us random strangers, its cathartic and helpful. Be honest with your GP, be open to whatever options they suggest, especially some down time to get your head in order and adjust to the chronic condition. Having a plan is so empowering and makes coping so much easier. Good work and don't be shy, update us, moan at us, ask advice.
Edit - don't agree to anything definitive at work tomorrow, take time to consider options and discuss at home - it will be tempting to grab hold of perceived solution but it is early days to do this.
@HughStew you've made a great start by opening up to the wife. Now do the same to the GP, and keep posting here.
I found it easier to post and read on here than to talk to life long friends, still can't explain why, but if it helps, keep doing it.
And get out for that 2-3mile ride. Hopefully fresh air will help as well.
One foot in front of the other, just keep the momentum going to come out the other side.
An update.
Work have been relly good, I took 3 weeks off and they were completely fine with that, I started work again last week from home, and will continue to work from home for a few more weeks.
I'm feeling more mentally stable and have been on anti-depressants for four weeks now. I'm still a bit over emotional, I wept at Kenny Rogers "Coward of the County" the other day but later had a good laugh with my wife about that.
On the medical front my worst fear, that I have Motor Neurone Disease, is still a possibility, but is looking less likely. I do have a Motor Neurone condition, but it may be a genetic condition, my Dad, his Dad too, was diagnosed with Parkinsons but I now suspect that he had the same condition as I do, as he never had the classic Parkinsonian shaking and walked with difficulty, leg stiffness and weakness, in much the same way that I do now.
The commnets above are spot on, the best thing I did was to acknowledge that I had a problem and I now feel I am better prepared to cope with whatever comes along. Thanks guys.
Well done posting here and I wish you all the best. We have Parkinson's in our family so I am always on the lookout for early warning signs, well I m not as what will be will be, but a sibling.
Anyway, I am not a doctor and it may be completely anecdotal, but an early signal is walking without swinging your arms. With us it was a misdiagnosed nervous tremor. I have to say the support network in our case has been fantastic, as has the response to medication. Completely stabilised.