[Closed] Agony Aunts to the forum - break up advice...

Find big thing to focus on. Train for a big race next year. plan a big trip that invovles a break from work.

make some basic rules and keep to them
No drinking on a school night. No takeaways.

at the beginning of April

I say get a grip, get over it.

Ouch, I feel for you. I think most of us have been there and it's truly awful. Sadly there is no fast track solution, just the usual platitudes including "time heals".
However, just like a bereavement, time really does heal (mostly.)

Don't listen to any MTFU bollocks, you're clearly hurting. Talk to your friends and family - that's what they're there for.

Try and eat better, drink less and exercise more.
Visit friends, visit family, have a holiday, volunteer in an orphanage somewhere.

Good luck mate.

Sister. Failing that, mother.

(and basically what Minty says, it'll be 'rest in due course chap, you're just suffering the rollercoaster bit)

Agree make some rules and find something that you can get really excited about and concentrate on. It will pass. Maybe do something new that you haven't done before. It will pass

Thanks - the words of strangers have an oddly calming effect!

Make your life about so much more than romantic attachments. Then, when romance flies out of the window (as it often does) your 'house' remains not only liveable, but also attractive to any potential future co-habitees 😉

*Edit - as others say, time is a healer. And time spent doing is time spent healing.

everyone says things get better in time, but for me it's just getting harder

Intially it will get worse before getting better, you should start to see an improvement after about 2 months, although depending on the intensty of your feelings it can take up to 2 years before you are completely over it and at the point where you wonder what you were thinking of - you will eventually reach that point, everyone does.

You can help yourself and speed up the process by not touching alcohol and getting out and socialising.

Exercise more is tricky, been going to the gym before work & riding after work 2-3 times a week.... Away for the weekend for the next 5 weeks (& have been for the last 3!)

Certainly keeping busy!! Just on the odd evening when I'm on my own I tend to wallow.

If you're in this state one month on after being with her only two months, then you should probably seek some professional help.

Coke and hookers?

volunteer in an orphanage somewhere.

careful. hes already indicated a predilection for younger women!

Everything is better with coke and hookers, even coke and hookers.

It's a shitty thing to happen, but it will get easier - most people will have been through it at some point & will testify to this - take your mind off it any way you can, however go easy on any mood altering self prescribed remedies - sitting mashed on the couch for a few weeks in the middle of a small mountain of beer cans & takeaway boxes probably won't hurt but don't make too much of a habit of that or it becomes just that...

Buy yourself a new bike, that's a good start - you deserve it - then get onto one of these humping apps or whatever folk are doing with their spare time nowadays & sooner or later you'll have forgotten all about that heartless bint whatever her name was.

Hope that helps.
J

she was 14yrs younger than me at 24

I would like to be the first to say, well done. That is a result. No wonder you are gutted

So at the beginning of April I met & totally fell for a girl, she was 14yrs younger than me at 24 (EDIT - I'm 38!). Did the usual & ignored the advice of my friends & consequently fell completely in love with her.
I thought the she was amazing, I've never felt the way I do about her with anyone else. Then a month ago, she dumped me. Out of the blue. Never saw it coming.
Since then I'm really struggling to get over her, after a couple of weeks I was feeling better, even went out on a couple of dates. Recently however I can feel myself slipping. My diet has turned to crap & I'm drinking too much, everyone says things get better in time, but for me it's just getting harder, I struggle to stay focused at work & any time on my own I cannot shut off, just keep thinking of her.

So you knew her for barely 3 months, and she realised she had made a mistake with you and dumped you, and youre upset, lots of people are married and in long term relationships and the other partner , dies , or is killed how the hell will you ever cope with that, get out, get a life and be a man.

Time will heal. Promise

Now, the manly advice; she dumped you quickly, phew lucky escape; no house, joint accts all that shit, clean break, done. She doesn't realise what she let go, her mistake. Blah blah blah

DO: go and do stuff, join clubs, meet interesting people (who no nothing about this) now is your chance to go and learn flamenco like you've always promised yourself. Above all else, go out and have fun with NEW people. The world is literally full of interesting people doing all sorts of stuff go join in their fun.

DONT: sit at home thinking about your ex (she's not thinking about you, she's getting on with her life) don't drink, don't eat shit, you're just reinforcing her decision to leave you.

she was 14yrs younger than me at 24

Be honest, you just wanted to tell everyone, didn't you.

Break-ups are shit, but this too will pass.

You could even meet a few people on here and go for a ride 🙂

I'm surprised no-one's suggested hoofing her in the slats yet tbh...

Sooo, this new bike you're getting?

He's allowed coke and hookers though, right Nick?

They make everything better

38! Young man nowadays ... 🙄

The question is did you bang her silly? i.e. test ride. 😛

You are probably not up to the standard of a celebrity sugar daddy she thought you were.

Edit: Two months! That is silly banging months! We do silly banging for the first 2 years then gradually reduce to normal rate of banging, then as we get older it becomes a part of routine exercise ... 😮

Edit: Ahhh ... thinking of it I have not been doing any banging at all for many years now ... d'oh! 😯

Get out and have some fun.
Take a week off and Throw bikes and gear into the car.
Go visit some nice fun trail centres in Wales, bpw, van road jump tracks, etc.. Or equivalent off the cuff trip that appeals to your inner hooligan

She must have been amazing!! I calculate about 8 weeks relationship, listening to my kids now it seems to be about 12 weeks before you are an item these days and actually dating.
Seems to me this is the straw that broke the camels back, might be worth looking deeper and see what else is eating away at you, it is probably not this as within a month you`ve been dumped, devastated and still managed two other dates.
As for coke and hookers, people have probably spent longer with hookers!!
Commit to the memory bank and move on mate!!

lots of people are married and in long term relationships and the other partner , dies , or is killed how the hell will you ever cope with that

I haven't experienced the death of a partner myself but I've heard it said that a relationship ending because your partner has found someone else can be harder to accept than if they had died. Death brings an obvious natural closure, however sad and devastating it might be, but your partner being alive but not wishing to be with you can apparently be worse. I can understand that.

Buy a VW T5 camper van, and a Wood burning stove. Do your research properly and come back and tell us all about it. That'll take your mind off of it for a few months/years

Were you married/cohabiting before April? If so I'd guess you're more adjusting to the end of that rather than the fling.

I haven't experienced the death of a partner myself but I've heard it said that a relationship ending because your partner has found someone else can be harder to accept that if they had died. Death brings an obvious natural closure, however sad and devastating it might be, but your partner being alive but not wishing to be with can apparently be worse. I can understand that.

It is.

I think it would help with your recovery if you posted some photos of her. No need for soppy photos of the two of you. Just her. Neked

[img] [/img]

smithy echoes what I was thinking. You're a proper grown-up, this can't possibly be the first time you've been dumped in your life, the end of a two-month fling shouldn't leave you in this state. This must have been the last straw amongst other stuff you're unhappy about generally.

I can relate to feeling as if your going mad after just such a break up, although it took about 18 months of craziness before the dump happened. My advice, and they may sound weird, if your sitting at night and cant sleep and feel like your going nuts, go out and drive around, it seems to calm you down. Also, go to a 24 hour supermarket and just wander. They are actually designed to make people feel at ease and it does work 🙂

Also, as above, get to the gym, out on the bike s much as possible

go to a 24 hour supermarket

That's ******* gold.

[img] [/img]

(no offense intended)

she was 14yrs younger than me at 24 (EDIT - I'm 38!)

I'm just disappointed that you had so little faith in our arithmetical skills, you had to go back and add 14 to 24.

It wasn't meant to be, so go find someone else

Try fitness singles,...you may well find someone who is fit, likely to have the same interests, has probably gone through similar,....and stop drinking in the week - it doesn't solve anything.

If you've got a load of cash, find someone abroad, go meet them, have a great time, and however it ends up, never regret it...and yep the beach photos were real. 8)

or, as Binners suggests, coke and hookers, I mean, what could possibly go wrong?

Is she fit? If so, do you still have her mobile number?..

I'm just disappointed that you had so little faith in our arithmetical skills, you had to go back and add 14 to 24.

It's more that when I re-read the statement, it could've been read as I'm 24, & her 14 yrs younger!!! 😯

Thanks for all the advice n tings, like I said I feel for proper, not my usual style. She's was either genuine in the things she said or very manipulative. Last night I felt awful, this afternoon too, but having posted on here, you lot have cheered me up.
Off up to Wales at the weekend with some mates & got the first week of August off, so road trip time!

if your sitting at night and cant sleep and feel like your going nuts, go out and drive around, it seems to calm you down. Also, go to a 24 hour supermarket and just wander. They are actually designed to make people feel at ease and it does work

[img] [/img]

I really feel for you OP. Been there with younger women and also women around the same age. It's the shock of being dumped when you are thinking it's going so well and the unanswered questions after the fact. It's tough.

Obviously she wasn't thinking the same way about you as you were about her so you are the one that has to adjust to the reality of the situation which will take a bit of time.

Just be good to yourself while things settle down, don't drink too much etc and keep talking to mates or posting here. You WILL be fine.

'tis tru','dat

John just get out there and ride, drink beer with your mates and keep yourself/mind occupied. Don't sit at home and mope though, it'll just consume you otherwise. Have a good one in Wales!

Here's a good one.

Have a good think, and write down all the bad things about her and pin them to your wall. Sillier the better... 'weird shaped head' 'fat fingers' 'likes Coldplay' etc etc

Whenever you're really down just look at that list. It'll give you some perspective and you might find yourself saying something like "Yeah! She bloody [i]did[/i] have a weird shaped head!"

I mean, you shouldn't really have been dating someone that likes Coldplay in the first place, but love is blind.

Sorry, but is Hora dead?

I'll write his post for him.

Hora - facinatedwithmymember

Never understood men who date younger women. What's the appeal? Some Daddy thing probably. I'm brilliant in bed and have had loads of women, more if I wanted. Man up and grow a pair.

Have you got a car for sale?

This was always my break up song. Never failed to cheer me up.
Hope I don't need it again!

You met her in April, she dumped you and now you can't get over it??!?!

It's early July Ffs!!!

As someone else has said, get a grip. If I split up with the wife it'd take me a while to get over it, but then I've been with her nearly 19 years.

Surely this can't be real, or you mean LAST April...

I never realised I was in the presence of such [s]emotionally detached/ full of crap[/s] awesome men!

Surely this can't be real, or you mean LAST April...

Don't judge people by your own standards! Some folk fall fast.

I'd suggest maybe some sort of attachment issues going on...

Could be the case. None of us really know but the point of this shirley is to help the guy get on with his own shit.

If I split up with the wife it'd take me a while to get over it, but then I've been with her nearly 19 years.

So it's taken you "nearly 19 years" to get really fond of her?

Or are you saying that you've become institutionalised and don't know how you would cope on your own?

Either way it's irrelevant to the OP's situation.

A split a month into a 'relationship' surely shouldn't leave one party feeling like the OP does unless there are some unaddressed underlying emotional issues going on. But that's just my musings.

It was actually 2 months into the relationship. The early stages of a relationship are often extremely intense, and I don't know but the OP might have felt that he had finally met "the one".

Bearing in mind those points I think it is perfectly normal to feel devastated if the relationship suddenly comes to an abrupt halt, specially if the devastated person feels there has been no acceptable/understandable explanation.

It certainly doesn't suggest that the OP has some abnormal "emotional issues" ffs.

We are each entitled to our opinion. Seems completely ridiculous to me, to be devastated after 2 months of a relationship. Although come to think if it I do remember a similar situation myself, but then I was 16.

It was actually 2 months into the relationship. The early stages of a relationship are often extremely intense, and I don't know but the OP might have felt that he had finally met "the one".

Bearing in mind those points I think it is perfectly normal to feel devastated if the relationship suddenly comes to an abrupt halt, specially if the devastated person feels there has been no acceptable/understandable explanation.

It certainly doesn't suggest that the OP has some abnormal "emotional issues" ffs.

My thoughts exactly, well said.

3 months?

soft lad, grow up - you sound like a 14 year old.

We are each entitled to our opinion

Agreed. But maybe keep the keyboard psychology out of it?

Although come to think if it I do remember a similar situation myself, but then I was 16.

Maybe your last experience of this kind of relationship was when you were 16. Fair play. Maybe you met the one a year later and it was happy ever after. Maybe you are single and don't want a relationship. Who knows. It does sound like the voice of minimal experience though. Just my opinion of course.

TL;DR: Looks like OP lived more in three months than some have in years.

soft lad, grow up - you sound like a 14 year old.

You know some strange 14 year olds. I would expect a 14 year old to get over a crush in about 2 days, one week top whack.

You've been out with her for <6 weeks?

It didnt work out. Get a grip.

Whats your history on relationships?

😀

Ok - speaking from the heart more than I need to, but firstly this thread has cheered me up no end, as has chatting to a couple of friends tonight...

Secondly, in 38 years I've had my share of the fairer sex & I have never ever felt the way I did about her or had such an intense, relationship as this one, this was that unobtainable movie type of love, every time we kissed, every time I got a message from her I got excitement, I did actually feel like a 16yr old. Then with no warning that was taken away - 2 days before she was pointing out to me what sort of engagement ring she would want...

I can see now, that she is clearly mad as a batch of frogs, insanely hot, super, super dirty. I in all honesty don't think I will ever meet anyone like her again, I'm OK with that.

I'm moving on, I want to move on, I just hate myself for slipping back & dwelling on things a little to much.

& I've probably listened to this too much....

Maybe your last experience of this kind of relationship was when you were 16. Fair play. Maybe you met the one a year later and it was happy ever after. Maybe you are single and don't want a relationship. Who knows. It does sound like the voice of minimal experience though. Just my opinion of course.

When I was 16 I was, like most 16 year old, emotionally immature. Fall in 'love' quickly and feel unduly hurt when it ends.

It's just a little 'unusual' to hear a person in their late 30's talk about being devastated after the breakdown of a 'relationship' that is measured in weeks not years.

OP, please accept my apologies if my contributions to this thread have offended you.

You are having a midlife crisis brought on early by a 24yr old.

Go faster +1 - was trying to articulate that but you hit the nail.

I met n propose within 2 months - 20 years and 2 kids (one head boy, one headed for uni) later - who knows how it could've been if I/she dumped me in 2 months.

T'is better to have loved a short girl, than never loved a tall!

OP - man up, move on and think that this is one of those times in your life when it is better to be alive and hurt, than not feeling anything!

OP, please accept my apologies if my contributions to this thread have offended you.

Not at all, everyone is entitled to their opinion, as I've said previously this thread has made me feel loads better, stopped me dwelling. I've a few other things going on as well, that are probably contributing to the whole thing, essentially living in a shite town for work purposes away from friends & family, so the general feeling of isolation is probably contributing to the relationship feeling.

It's just a little 'unusual' to hear a person in their late 30's talk about being devastated after the breakdown of a 'relationship' that is measured in weeks not years.

If someone requires to be in a relationship for several years before they feel devastated if it comes to an end, then I would call that a little 'unusual'. And imo that would suggest some attachment issues.

🙄

🙄

I'm sorry if I've offended you by suggesting that it's a little 'unusual' for someone to require several years before they feel a very strong attachment to their partner, and that there's possibly some attachment issues. Please accept my apologies if my comments have offended you.

Nope. I wholeheartedly disagree with just about everything you've said. But I wouldn't let it worry you.

I don't think timescale has anything to do with it.
I'm sure you can fall in love with someone very quickly if she's 'the one'.
It's going to be tough, and probably won't ease until you find someone who can replace some of the feelings you had with her.
There are a lot of ways to meet new people these days, so tap into these, but don't put pressure on yourself to forget her completely and move on. Remember the fun bits and learn from them. You'll be fine.

OP is she seeing someone else now? If so write some poetry, drink some good liquor and move on.

Anyone remember the movie Swingers? Great film with one ofthe central characters dealing with heart ache

stop it

you're killing me

Op,

I understand you are hurt very much but let's not forget the details coz that might be the cause of your problem.

How many times did you boom boom her? 😮

As I keep telling my housemate who has just broken up from a long term relationship - go have casual sex. A friend with benefits etc.

Had some great sex with people where there was mutual no desire for anything more and it's great for showing you there is plenty more fish in the sea and they werent that great anyway. And did I mention you get plenty of fun sex?

a dose of the best band in the world should do the trick.

OP go see a relationship councellor to get over your six week relationship?

See what they say? (Get the **** out of here?)

Sorry, but is Hora dead?

This actually brung tears of joy to my little eyes.

And then it began...

Whats your history on relationships?

You are having a midlife crisis brought on early by a 24yr old.

write some poetry, drink some good liquor and move on.

go see a relationship councellor to get over your six week relationship?

Dude, you're amazing. Can we have a brief-but-intense fling sometime?

🙂