Bloody hell they are a worry, not going into details just venting really.
agree mate. my mum is coming up 80. we stumble along weekly with problem after problem.
Well , only the one to worry about. I do though, as she is getting slower, grumpier and undoubtedly lonelier. 80 next year and still scooting about like a mad thing. I sometimes think the grumpy bit works in their favor though, keeps them going type of thing.
mine is 86 , she is still pretty sprightly but can be a tad draining with constant culture clashes with the modern world mostly Facebook telephones and washing machines on the other hand she can be incredibly supportive of her sons when needed. She was an evacuee nearly killed by childhood illness lost her father and brother early, and went on to raise three boys the first two in a house heated by scrap wood boiling nappies in a bucket on the stove . Looking at that it is always easy to cut her a bit of slack when she needs help to debug a computer change a light bulb or listen to her endless tails of dealing with call centres.
My own are 71 and 77 so not so worrying yet. In-laws are 88 and 80 so I have a bit of a preview. Yes worrying indeed,
its payback...
We have a full set still, thankfully, but aged 74, 78 and 80. All still have their marbles, all on a cocktail of medecines, one diabetic, two with cataracts, one just started having TIAs.
All have wills and powers of attorney in place, but dreading the day we need to use them.
I was chatting to a colleague last week who's folks (and inlaws) are about the same ages as mine (all +75 y/o).
One thing we'd both noticed is that they've gone from doing their own thing, to then asking for advice and now are at the 'what should I do' stage.
We're just converting an outbuilding to be a granny annex for mine, so will be easier all round, but my MIL is 400 miles away and 60 years of smoking is now seriously impacting her...
My step Dad is convinced everyone is out to fleece him.
Eg: they will only deal with British Gas, convinced anyone else will rob them, when the reality is BG see them as a cash cow with them signed up for every add-on insurance under the sun. Council tax, always paid in full, in cash, over the counter the day its due, because Direct Debit means they can just take money whenever it suits them. When they ran a car, they would catch the bus to another town, because they had a Swintons office, who again robbed them blind, but he was convinced if he ever had a bump the Swinton's staff would sort it all out for him. And they'll only get worse.
My brother's in Ireland and never comes back to the UK. I remember how he was treated as a kid so I don't hold this against him, but it does mean the care burden will be fully borne by me, which will take up a lot of time and travelling when the time comes.
So far my parents are still in very good health (79 and 77 respectively) quite amazingly so (having had her lens replaced during a cataract op last year my mum now has better eyesight than me!) but I suspect decline will come on slowly over the next few years.
They're both rather stubborn, so I'm sure there'll be challenging times. Main thing is I'm hoping they don't get dementia or Altzheimers, I'd rather they go relatively quickly. Although seeing my mate's grief shortly after Xmas this year after his Mum died rather unexpectedly (and quickly) of cancer I'm not sure it's much fun in any circumstances. My parents are very sensible with their cash so at least we'll be able to pay for whatever care they need...
This is going to be a bigger and bigger issue over the next 20-30 years as middle-aged parents try to care for their own kids as well as hold their jobs down and care for their declining parents - with smaller sums of money available to provide the care... I reckon we'll see a lot more 3-generation families in the same house than we do now.... cheaper and less time-consuming. Challenging for those who currently rent their homes (can't imagine my landlord being happy with me moving my Mum in!) or work in the SE because that's where the jobs are, miles away from their parents. My Dad solved that one with his Mum by moving her to him but that may not be practicable in all cases
My in-laws are 88 and 84 and still manage most things on their own but we still seem to spend a chunk of the weekend sorting stuff out for them.
My mother is nearly 99 and still living at home, but, luckily for us my brother, who's four years younger than me and single, is pretty much her full time carer now - he's retired early to do so. My Dad was 16 years older than my mother and he died at the the age of 94 about twenty years ago.
The thing we constantly come back to is "when is it our turn to just be able to enjoy our lives?" As well as running around after our parents we now have our daughter, who's married with three children (4 and twins of 2) constantly turning to us for help, as her husband has been diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia (but won't submit to any treatment for it), has left home and gone back to doss with his parents. He's not working and although he's still being paid at the minute that won't go on for ever, doesn't shave or wash and looks like Robinson Crusoe and lately gets involved in scuffles with the rozzers after provoking behaviour at a nightclub. **** knows what will happen but at the minute I'm trying to do some outside work to earn money ( fencing, tree work) work on our own house (render, roof work, exterior and interior painting) and then supply our daughter with firewood, have our oldest grandson most weekends and generally run myself ragged.
As I keep reminding everyone - we're not 40 anymore - I'm nearly 64 and my wife is 60 (and working full time) and it gets bloody harder every year. Then people wonder why I don't have the time or energy for as much riding as I used to do.
Thank God that we get away to Greece for as long as we do - it's all that keeps us (especially my wife) sane. Even when we're there every email or phone call threatens to bring more doom and gloom down on our heads.
And now I look at so many of my contemporaries, like poor old Mart Lampkin yesterday, and think "is that all this ****ing life has in store for me now?"
Some days, especially when it's dark, wet, and dismal like today I could just sit and cry about it all if only I had the time.
Andy R - when I had my mini meltdown at the start of the year, one of the first questions the GP and counsellor asked related to my caring responsibilities, so it's a known issue, even if the solution isn't.
My parents are old fashioned, dim witted, poor decision makers, bigoted and stubborn as a red wine stain on a drunken polar bear.
They are kind and charitable to others. Treat others equal.
I feel like I'm the parent! 👿
Hear you dude, completely.
Dad (determinedly living alone with myriad health & neuro issues) discharged unexpectedly from hospital on Thursday, panic attack on Saturday "I think I need to be back in hospital", back in hospital Saturday, yesterday morning: "why the hell have you sent me back to hospital? I want to go home right now! I don't need anyone's help!"
Sister and I concerned we've missed the power of attorney boat.
FFS.
Tell me about it
And not only me - friends relatives colleagues all going through the same thing. When is you life taken off hold when do you draw a line in the sand and do no more
A long time ago a near neighbour died and I went round to offer my condolences to her son. He said he didn't feel grief or sorrow that his mum had died it was 'a release'. At the time I thought what a strange thing to say but now I realise what he meant
[i]This is going to be a bigger and bigger issue over the next 20-30 years as middle-aged parents try to care for their own kids as well as hold their jobs down and care for their declining parents [/i]
Yep, especially now with folk having their kids later. At least mine are grown up, can't imagine what it'd be like if I'd had then in my early 40's rather than early 30's.
We've got a mixed bunch really - my Dad is 82 this year and is starting to struggle a little; macular degeneration in one eye, diabetes and a dicky leg means he struggles to walk far. Mum is 78 and in generally good health though does have diabetes. OH's Dad has dementia @ 68 (diagnosed @ 62) and needs full time care. OH's Mum (divorced from Dad) is also 68 and in good health though has arthritis in both hands and a dodgy knee - nothing that stops her though, she's a "doer" 🙂
We are both pretty young (40's) and have a young family, so if and when we need to start caring for any of them it will be hard, but we'll just have to crack on. They did it for us for long enough I guess 🙂
This terrifies me. My parents are currently over 400 miles away and whilst not in any difficulty yet, are rapidly approaching retirement age.
My parents are both late 70's now, both were in good health but my mum's battling cancer at the mo (has been for a few months now) and how frail she's gotten is a wake up call. Fortunately my dad's still in good health so is able to cope and I'm only an hour's drive away - not sure how I'd manage though if my dad needed care as well.
I'm 43 and my wife 40.
My folks are 72/70 and hers are 10 years younger at 62/60.
So far we've been lucky - my Mum and Dad did live 50 miles away but last year moved to a warden attended retirement flat 15 mins from our house (result!)
My in-laws are about 40mins drive away.
I'm now an only child (my brother died 2 years ago) so I know my wife and I will be dealing with all this at some point.
My wife has two sisters (one of which is estranged) however both sisters are worse than useless so I know we'll end up doing the grown-up stuff with my in-laws when the time comes.
Happy Days. ;o(
MoreCashThanDash - Member
Andy R - when I had my mini meltdown at the start of the year, one of the first questions the GP and counsellor asked related to my caring responsibilities, so it's a known issue, even if the solution isn't.
Thanks for that, man - and yes, we'll just keep on keeping on, I suppose because there's not really any alternative - not one that bears any resemblance to decent human behaviour anyway.
Although my brother lives with my mother (and has done for years anyway) anything remotely practical that needs doing I get the phone call - shed roof leaking? Don't you go up there and do it, just phone your brother......who has more than enough of his own work, thank you.
The trouble is that I don't actually feel that much affection for my mother - when I was young I was (literally) the whipping boy on who she took out all the frustration in her life and although, as an adult, I told myself to forgive and forget and while I can, to an extent forgive, I can never forget.
Anyway, enough of that shit - I'm more fortunate than many. I have a wife who I adore and more importantly, for some weird reason, seems to adore me in return. That gets me through a lot - that, and riding nice bikes in beautiful places, doing occasional music stuff and (strangely) working with nice chainsaws. All these force ypu to deal with the job in hand and forget all the other crap for a while.......
It worries me. We have 3 out of four alive and relatively (very) healthy. All in late 60's but besides a dodgy knee / mild arthritis, all social, happy and independent. We live in Thailand with parents in England / Ireland so when taking about our long-term plans, parents and their need for care is the elephant in the room. We've seen other ex-pats head home in their mid-forties (wife and I are 32 and 38 respectively) as their parents and. It certainly plays on my mind.
My wife and I were blessed with wonderful parents so certainly can't or won't resent looking after them. We both have good relationships with siblings (2 each) but the onus will be on us to pull our weight when the time comes.
I've got both still living, both 91, both okish at the moment. Both still drive, which is a worry. My father can still walk 5 miles if he puts his mond to it, but my mother, hardly at all. I;'ll know more after seeing them this weekend, as they're nearly 300 miles away.
I'm rather hoping that they drive over a cliff together before it all gets too bad for them, or that my brother supplies them with some long sleep pills.
In practice, it's likely that one will end up living with us.
BR +1 luckily all my kids are now 20+ elderly father spends 6 months with me and 6 months with my sister in Africa, at some point he will become unable to fly & one of us will be the loser in life's little lottery 😮 in the meantime I am learning a huge amount about choices in life, as they say either be an example or be a warning
My mum's 90 now, and staying in very sheltered accommodation.
Getting progressively deaf - very deaf - and sight not great, obvious needs a lot of care (which the housing provide) and severe mobility problems. But visit her twice a week, get her round to our house, and generally keep her thinking and happy as we can.
Lucky in that we moved back to be nearer her (and my dad when he was alive) as this was becoming problem. No one else in family to share with as only child. Luckily wife's folks are also - now - in the same town so that gives some continuity. They're a bit younger, though not necessarily in much better physical shape !
I'm thinking of a shed project; hybrid mobility scooter / Ducati 951.
It's what they'd want.
(It is actually how I'd want to go anyway.)
i was the main carer for both of my parents for around 10 years before they both passed away....was always difficult in dealing with their care and trying to lead a normal life.
rest of my family were there but they were there to do the jobs that i couldnt do due to work commitments etc.
dad died 12 years ago and mum 9 years ago.
but now the wife is getting close to where i was with my parents. father in law is in his early to mid 80's and mother in law mid to late 60's. both have various underlying health issues which means that they really do need professional care for certain things and more care and support from the rest of the family.
problem is that they're just too bloody stubborn to ask for help even though they know they are both pretty much incapable of looking after themselves let alone each other.
its hard for my wife as we live nearly 2 hours away but there are 2 of her sisters who live nearby and between them they do most things for them but i dont think its fair that theyre running themselves into the ground like that....there are 2 brothers who are very bone idle and do very little...one of them lives next door.
I am not sure whether I'm lucky (lucky perhaps being an entirely inappropriate choice of a word but it'll have to do) to have lost both my parents relatively young (dad 69 & mum 70).
Yes it's been incredibly tough, particularly my mum, but both achieved pretty much everything they wanted to in life, both got to meet their grandkids, neither went on to a long protracted terminal decline.
Yes I sound have loved to have had another 10 or 15 years with my mum but would it have been quality time (for her as much as everyone else).
Tough call...
It is a really sad thing to witness. I hope I go at a fairly advanced age but still go suddenly, independent and with my marbles intact.
Very hard. The wife and I are going through the mill with our respective parents. Utterly knackered by the whole thing.
Three words.
Power of Attorney.
Get them signed up, all of them, before they really need it. Just starting to help out with my parents, only to find that the PoA document is cocked up and doesn't allow us to do what we want. Doh...but shouldn't be too much trouble to fix, I hope.
Just spent 11 hours in A + E with my 64 year old dad who is suffering from acute dementia,
he,s type 2 diabetic and was placed into emergency EMI care 1 weeks ago today, after my mum had a stroke
the so called care home forgot to tell the staff he was diabetic on the shift changeover so he had a hypo and assaulted another patient,
so they popped him in an ambulance on his own and sent him to A + E it took the care home 3 hours before they told me, and when they did, it was to inform me that they’ve decide they don’t want him back.
Ive now got to explain to mum at some point, that my dad dads homeless because he’s not aloud to be on his own. he cant come live with me because he's now registered as violent.
hes now sectioned under the ment health act my brother said he,s just got in and is going to chill for a bit.
and my sister said it to much and she cant deal with it.
i feel like my heads going to explode
TBH nonaging parents would be worrying too.
Nothing compared to some others but my dad's gone mostly blind in the space of 2 years, he'll be down to bright/dark soon, and his general health's not good... I'm incredibly proud of how he's dealt with it but still... My mum has COPD, a respiratory condition- she's not as bad as she could be but still, pretty much crippled and everything's hard work and it's really ground her down. So neither is really able to look after the other now, and they're only in their 70s. It's all been so damn fast, watching their worlds shrink, they've become [i]old people[/i], like [i]that.[/i] My grandma and grandad both lived well (in both senses) into their 90s and I take it for granted, but my mum won't and my dad probably not and it's just... life, you know.
I'm not usually a childish person but it makes me want to stamp my foot and say it's all unfair. I've had some bad medical crap in my own life and just dealt with it but when my dad got his diagnosis I wanted to hit a doctor.
<edit- sorry, that's quite whiney. But all my sympathy, to everyone>
Just spent the weekend with the wife's parents so this is a topic that is close to home for me. They're not that old as things go. Late 60s. FiL is in good shape, but his wife is absolutely batshit. She refuses to drive, her short term memory is rapidly deteriorating and she thinks Jesus is talking to her. I don't mean he's saying "do good and be a nice old bat", but things like "you need to wear brown pants today", or "have bacon for breakfast". That sort of thing.
He is basically an unpaid carer for someone with mental problems. I'm not sure if I would stay with my partner if she went down that route. There's something profoundly sad about seeing someone trapped in a hopeless situation like that.
On the other hand, I can see how it can be a relief when someone passes if they're like that.
its payback...
Too bloody true!
My Dad had bad Parkinsons & quite often couldn't make it to the loo cos his legs wouldn't work, so I would clean him up eventually & say, 'your'e just getting me back for all the nappy changing you had to do aren't you'? He had a great sense of humour & would say, 'Yep, I knew I'd get you back one day son'
Funny as owt really & didn't mind one bit.
OK. Been through this over the last few years.first thing. Get the house signed over early on. Because when they need to be in a home the cost will be over a grand a week. If they have assets they will be taken. This will be one of the hardest conversations you will ever have. It could save you a few hundred thousand pounds.
Have a lot more conversation with your folks even if they are fine, because when they go, you'll miss every talk you didn't have.
It's a world of hurt. What you do with them before they get really bad will help you so much when they are gone. I cannot emphasise how much good photos,videos and memories will help you.
My parents went to live in Germany (my dad is German) about 20 years ago. What happens when they do really start to get decrepit is a worry.
We had a scare last year when my dad went awol and ended up in a Belgian hospital. Turns out he'd left his passport at the X Ray machine in Gatwick so was refused entry to the plane he was catching and decided 'just to get the train' but didn't eat or drink so ended up confused on a station platform in Belgium. All ok now but a bit absent minded and needs to stop getting stressed. He runs his own business. And is 75.
My mum detached her retina whilst driving home from this incident. She says she has realised they are no longer superhuman (which they honestly were, my dad escaped from the Stasi).
I'd like to see them having a bit more fun to be honest - you can see life becoming finite however much you don't want to believe it and they've worked really hard and I would like to see them enjoying the time they have got left.
Of course none of their delightful children live in Germany so we swan over in rotation to try and persuade/help them to retire. So far it's only working very slowly.
Health wise my mum is just about getting by but financially she's crippled. She's 69 working full time with a £90'000 mortgage to pay.... By next year.
She will have no choice than to sell up and move. She'll never afford anywhere with the tiny bit of equity and only has a state pension when her work contract expires next year. I've tried to broach the subject but she's avoiding it. Thing is it's causing stress in my marriage as there's every possibility I'll have to step in and cover her bills which we can't afford. Our house isn't big enough for her to move in and the wife doesn't get on great with her so it's a non starter.
Right now her retirement just isn't an option but she'll really struggle to find work after next year so we're all kind of dreading the approaching spectre. Looks like retirement's not all its cracked up to be.
I have to ask, how/why did she arrange a large mortgage with no means of paying it back?
Sorry.
Probably best not.
im a fair bit younger than many of you on here, but here is my 2p worth...
(excuse me if this is a bit blubbery)
my nan died last year, i was was very very close to her, i looked after her and kept her busy after my grandfather died and shared the care with my mum through her last 5 years of escalating dementia, dealt with the conversations where we took her from her home and built a space for her at my mums house, the falls, and restricting her movement, the fear and anger that dementia brings right through to the last two weeks where i sat with her all day, every day, reading to her so there was a voice she knew as she drifted in and out.
that sounds like hard times, but i cherish the memories, even the horrible ones where i was holding a head wound after a fall on christmas day (waiting for the angels that are the paramedics in this country.)
i knew what was coming and it was a relief that i didnt have to see her suffer any more but i would do it all again for one more hr sat with her.
my mum is still deep in grief a year on, i think she was too caught up in the practical issues day to day to realise that the important bit is to sit and share time, old age is an early warning to soak up as much time as you can, you wont get another go.
and get a plan together for finance, my nan worked flat out running a business for 40 yrs, scrimped and saved and payed every scrap of tax as her generation did and they took the lot in her last 18 months 🙁
you only get one go at looking after your aging loved ones, give it all you got
My mum is just coming up to 70 and married to someone younger so she'll be ok.
Before my dad died, he lived on his own and was a constant worry. He had a couple of falls and a mild stroke, so for a while needed a lot of help to get him back on his feet. At the time I had a young family and felt very guilty spending time with him, instead of being at home helping with the kids. I felt so thinly spread it really got me down.
3 years ago he had another stroke and a concerned neighbour noticed his lights had been left on overnight, and called the police. They found him downstairs with a massive cut to his head where he had fallen and passed away. I felt so guilty that he had died there, on his own.
Mother has malignant melanoma. Sister has just died of malignant melanoma. How do you break that sort of news to four grieving children?
Father-in-law has recently had a stroke. Get Power of Attorney when they are well is my advice too.
Touch wood, my mum is still pretty independent, despite slowing down considerably. She's 64 and has been having a terrible time of it over the last 3/4 years or so, she got renal cancer, had a kidney removed. Then unfortunately, it came back in the space where the kidney was a year or so later, luckily it's slow growing, but she's not taking well to the medication/chemo, which has been working in the sense that they've halted the progress and reduced it a bit, but the last batch before xmas was the 3rd medication she's been on and it nearly killed her she was told after it made her take siesures(many issue was sky rocketing blood pressure).
She's been off it since november, and is getting back to her old self now, albeit lacking, undestandable in energy. But she's due to go on a new trail at the end of the month. Fingers crossed with this one, it's an FDA approved drug, but not approved here yet and it's a different approach to the others she's been on. Guess we just need to see how it goes, if accepted for the trail..
Bravest woman I know though. I'm optimistic for her, but I'm aware my time with my mum is more than likely limited, just need to appreciate her while she's here, and give her as good a life as we can. I've a big family though and we're mostly local, so there's no specific burden of care on one person, but I guess that'll develop as time goes on.
tbh i'm welling up writing this, I'm not usually one for speaking about this too much with others, but I guess it's something we all need to go through at some point and we just need to do the best we can for our parents.
It is a vexing problem and one that is only going to be on the increase as someone mentioned above.
Both my parents are gone, but my MiL is 85 and living in an assisted care place, but 1500 miles away. She can't travel so mrs busydog makes a trip back about every 6 months for a week or so visit. My SiL lives in the same small town so she bears the brunt of care on an ongoing basis, i.e. taking her to the store, doctors appointments, etc. We talked about bringing her here to live with us, but she can't as our altitude is just too much for her medical condition.
It also makes us worry about becoming a burden to our 2 sons.
Get the house signed over early on. Because when they need to be in a home the cost will be over a grand a week. If they have assets they will be taken. This will be one of the hardest conversations you will ever have. It could save you a few hundred thousand pounds.
Are you telling me its as simple as signing the house over to me and then care home feed are then paid?
It used to be, perhaps. Not any more. "deprivation of assets" is the term to google. Also, see "potentially exempt transfer" for IHT purposes. It probably won't work at all if the parents are not paying a fair market rent to stay in the house.
[i]It used to be, perhaps. Not any more. "deprivation of assets" is the term to google. Also, see "potentially exempt transfer" for IHT purposes. It probably won't work at all if the parents are not paying a fair market rent to stay in the house.[/i]
Take advice, decent legal advice.
And while you are at it sort out wills (theirs and yours) and PofA.
I had a phone call Saturday morning from my sister inlaw saying that she had spoke to her dad on the phone and he was slurring. She thought he had had a stroke. I advised her to phone 111, she said could I do it as they were going to collect their caravan from storage.
Nice to know her priorities and who will be looking after the oldies.
^
That's cold man.
My dad's only 67, but I honestly think he's suffering from some kind of mental illness and I'm not sure he realises, and I've no idea what to do about it.
He's always been a bit "up and down", maybe bipolar?? Extreme mood swings on a daily basis.
But recently he's getting worse. He lost his job about 15 years ago and never really recovered. He's getting more and more isolated. Me and my brother used to soeak to him once a week on the phone and i'd get boring emails about he stockmarket, but now he rarely answers the phone and I rarely get emails. Sometimes my mum answers and puts him on, but sometimes he talks for ages, other times he just mumbles and literally drops the phone and walks off whilst i'm mid-sentence.
If we try and have family meet ups that require him to leave his house and travel some distance, we get long winded excuses about traffic jams, accidents, state of the railways, immigrants, possible storms, literally anything he's read in the Daily mail recently. Now he's also started refusing visits as well, with yet more excuses....
No idea how to resolve it all. I feel sorry for my mum, who is much more sociable, but has no driving licence so used to rely on my dad for transport (He also refuses to drive now, blaming his old car. Think he last drove 3-4 years ago)
That sounds a lot like what is happening to my MiL. Her short term memory is shot. She cannot recal conversations from a few hours ago. She last drove 2 years ago and she has not driven on a motorway in over a decade. She will not seek any help, and it feels like we're powerless to do anything about it.
It's horrible to think that there maybe medicine or treatment that can help, but she has no access to it because she is not a danger to anyone other than herself.
Mine are early/mid 70's
Both ok, although my Mum has just been through cancer, which appears to have left her with quite a few less brain cells.
They are both being very reasonable, PoA was done some years ago, and they are currently looking at moving from a 4 bed detached to a 'retirement' home. Last weekend their boiler didn't work, and they actually rang me and asked me to go and check it. I was glad that they did, but it is also sad at the same time because it is the start of that slippery slope.
Although no one would wish that parents live shorter lives, wasn't it better when people died in their 60's/70's at the first major illness, instead of the now medically prolonged slow death that most people end up going through?
[i]Although no one would wish that parents live shorter lives, wasn't it better when people died in their 60's/70's at the first major illness, instead of the now medically prolonged slow death that most people end up going through? [/i]
Eh? Why not 40's/50's then and that'd free up a load of jobs and houses for the young... 🙄
Based on my grandparents who are healthy, but miserable in general and some other old folk I've known with terminal illnesses your outlook on life seems to be the most important thing.
You can be healthy, but miserable. You can be terminal, but happy.
Right in at the deep end with this at the moment and only child - Dad is 83 nearly blind (macular degeneration) but mentally ok, he needs someone to visit/stock up fridge/tidy up etc about every three days(which i can do as i am only 5 miles away)- to be honest other than feed me and put a roof over my head until i was 16 he (and my deceased Mum) never really did anything and mainly complained each time i changed job/got married/ went to uni/had kids/bought derelict house/started business etc and while i did all this they had three holidays a year. I have just got my last kid into Uni in sept so the light at the end of the tunnel was very close and now someone has put it out!
He did very little for his Mum when she got older or any other relatives for that matter, its difficult not to be bitter as my health is probably worse than his and he will not accept any external care visits and thinks if i go into hospital for a heart operation all i need to do is sign a few cheques in case a bill needs paying - frankly i am fed up beyond belief thank god for booze!its a nightmare
What worries me is the constant stream of people trying to fleece or outright steal from my family's collective grandparents (aged in 80s and 90s).
Few months back, some jokers showed up and offer to trim back some hedges for £250 (ludicrous price, should have been £100 absolute tops, more like £50). Then afterwards surprise surprise, they tell the old folks it's actually going to be £750.
Here's the annoying part: my MIL, my wife and I, my wife's cousins, my uncle-in-law were all within easy travel distance, some under a mile away, yet without calling any of us, they just go and hand over the cash straight away (and why have that much cash easily available in the house?!?! Oh yes they "don't trust" banks).
They didn't get any paperwork or even know the name of the company. Only that it was, and I quote: "two youngish men in a green van".
Surprise, surprise, they also got robbed a little while later (same ****s no doubt) and lost all of their jewelry. Luckily I think someone in the family had ensured the cash had been put in the bank at that point.
It's no longer straight forward having the house signed over to you. I think it used to be a 7 year period of ownership before it took effect. Luckily my mum did it about 10 years ago. Still recently cost £1000 a week for her for best end of life care home we could find. Would have happily sold everything I own to pay for it though if I'd had to.
It's heartening to know we are not the only ones....
Yesterday we drove my MIL aged 83 back to her home town and installed her in a care home. She'd been staying in our front room for 6 months while receiving chemo and recovering after we discovered that her son (my BIL) seemed to be allowing her to die quietly. That he and my wife have jointly owned the house for the last 10 years and he was anxious to get his mortgage paid off may be entirely coincidental but the house is now sold and the miserable cheapskate barsteward has refused to contribute a penny to the care home top-up costs. Having a deaf, incontinent elderly woman living in our house has not been easy but we've been amazed at the amount and quality of help that's available if you know which levers to pull. We can now get rid of the smell and replace the carpet and get back to a normal life with maybe a holiday as well.
By contrast my own mum is 86 and as fit as a butcher's dog; she walks miles every week leading Ramblers' groups, goes to a gym, sings in three choirs and is a guide at a museum. She is never in as she's always out being wined and dined by randy old retired chaps. She has her share of hangups, many related to her formerly strong Catholic upbringing, but is on the whole self-sufficient. We did have an episode recently where she sprained her knee and took double the recommended dose of some herbal remedy called Devil's Claw and ended up in hospital with atrial fibrillation but I thank God that I have her genes and not those of my MIL.
Im already a miserable old sod at the age of 35 i dread to think what i will be like if i hit 70.
My grandparents are at two extremes of the scale.
My mum's dad lives alone, and he only leaves the house on christmas day, for doctors appointments or funerals. Carer comes in twice a day to get him into/out of bed, my sister (who lives close) does his shopping. Utterly miserable and although there's nothing medically wrong with him (just general old age) he's constantly complaining about how he feels.
My dad's mum is a couple of years older (turns 90 this year) and is constantly out and about doing stuff. Dealt with breast cancer twenty years or so ago, and is now mentally and physically in decent shape. My uncle lives with her and she's out seeing people more often than he is. Still travels abroad fairly regularly too (two of her three sons have emigrated).
Where things actually get more tricky is my dad. My mum died last year, and they live abroad. It's quite hard for me and my sister to keep an eye on him because he's so far away and although he seems to be dealing with things OK he's not the most communicative so it's hard to tell sometimes. Healthwise he's fine other than a bad back (early 60s) but I worry about him financially. He sold up in the UK to buy a business and although it provides him with enough of an income to live on, I'm not sure whether the proceeds of selling it (which he's looking to do) will be enough for him to live on in retirement.
It then gets a bit sensitive because mum and dad's retirement plan had apparently been to live in her dad's house once he dies, meaning the funds he does have would go further. That was always dependent on him not having to sell it to fund care, but is rather trickier now as it comes straight to me and my sister, cutting him out of the loop. I'm not saying we wouldn't let him live there, but our first instinct had been that we would sell it to clear off our own mortgages.
Dad was diagnosed with early onset Alzheimers 20 years ago. He's now 82, physically strong as an Ox, but in full time care, he'll probably go on and on. Mum is 74, fiercely independent to the point of not asking for help with anything and getting into costly jams that could have been avoided with a bit of advice.
She's still riding horses and falling off regularly, and can't figure out why she doesn't bounce anymore. Her latest scheme is to move from the lovely house she renovated and moved into 10 years ago. I'm desperately trying to persuade her not to.
She never calls me, but is the first to moan that she never hears from me if I don't ring her for a week or two.
In same place as many above, lost my mam last year dad now going in a home costing 3k a month, but what amazes me most is the amount of people who think they should not pay for the care when the money is there, like signing houses over and such..why..why .. why should you not pay for a service...do you ask builders to build ya house for free or ask a mechanic to service ya car for free..no..
my dads savings/pension will pay, then when thats gone his house money will pay, when its all gone i will pay if i can and as marin above i will sell what i have to pay..after that you then ask for help from the state....not the other way round...
sorry but it annoys me
different if you have nowt, thats what the state is for, the people who have nowt and there many and its not always their fault..
stop thinking about your inheritance loss and payup..
no idea how folk think like that when its your parents..
FiL was a great sport; we would see him at least once most weeks, visits to his for tea or he would come to us, enjoying our rural base as a contrast to his city flat.
He was active up to the end at 84, out on his bike the day before he died last August. That day he walked into the town to get his messages; he'd walked up the stairs, put his bag on the kitchen table and just lay down on the kitchen floor quite peacefully.
Three days before we had organised a family day in the garden at home, all the grandkids, his three kids and partners; food, wine, games in the sun. Lots of chat, opinions, politics, sport, disagreements and all. He'd honestly looked reflective; you would almost think he knew what was coming and made the very best of that day.
My folks are both mid-70s and while active, have become awful decision makers, always needing support on the simplest of choices. Trouble is, they live in SW Ireland while we're in Angus, so not exactly handy. Have already taken the sensible advice on PoA, that's in place.
Some of the talk here about moving assets to avoid 'losing out' on care costs seems a bit off to me; if family members need the extra care, over and above medical care, then what's wrong with using family assets to finance this in as good a way as possible? If you're paying for a service, you control it a lot better than when you are not paying. At the end of the day, it's just money and I'm not counting on getting anything from their estate, that isn't how I live.
My Mum was on Skype to me only yesterday saying she was going to be sorting out Power of Attourney and could I make sure I signed the forms and got them back to her.
I guess she wants to cover it off due to her parents who both suffered from Alzheimer's and it taking her forever to sort out PoA once her father started to deteriorate.
Not looking forward to it, I saw the state that my grandfather was in and like a couple of other stories on here, he was stubborn to a fault and it turned out, was being fleeced blind by all the utilities companies who he'd stubbornly stuck with because he was loyal. He tried desperately to maintain his independence to the point where he'd be pranging his car every couple of weeks as he simply "had" to drive himself to church or the shops...
A good piece of advice I've been given is that all members of a family should set up PoA over each other while they are all still healthy, so as to avoid the stress of doing it if a life-changing event happens.
Yes to PoA again. My Dad had to sort out his dementia-suffering step-father (genetic sons existed but were a bit impractical and useless, I think) and he says it was a difficult process once the step-Dad really needed help, as he could no longer authorise it. His mother (my grandmother) went the same way some years later but he had managed to sort out PoA that time, still a difficult time emotionally but at least not a legalistic problem too. Now Dad's going the same way but has had the forethought and consideration to sort his affairs out in advance, which I am very grateful for. Father in law however is an invincible "won't happen to me" type (even though it happened to his father!) so we can only cross our fingers and hope things turn out ok.
With no children, my plan when my time comes is to cut the brake hoses and ride a big descent somewhere...
[i]With no children, my plan when my time comes is to cut the brake hoses and ride a big descent somewhere... [/i]
When my eldest and I were clearing out my folks accumulated junk (3 large outbuildings) a few years ago my son who'd been all jokey suddenly went quite quiet. I asked him what was wrong?
He said "I've just realised that in 30 years time I'll probably be back here clearing out all your junk!"
Rather eye opening to realise that with the new retirement age rules, many of the infirm people being referred to would be expected to still be working.
I've been slowly, and single-handedly, clearing out my folks' house. Its been quite tough - physically (hard to access attic), emotionally (so much stuff I didn't know they had, or still had) and mentally (decisions as to what to junk, what to recycle and what to keep - for what).
several things have conspired against me -
1/ older folks propensity for hoarding things (and collecting knick-knacks)
2/ dad took early retirement, and had plenty interests, so plenty of scope for acquiring stuff
3/ they didn't move in 40 years
4/ had a decent sized house
5/ good standard of living so could afford the holidays and purchases..
Some of the talk here about moving assets to avoid 'losing out' on care costs seems a bit off to me; if family members need the extra care, over and above medical care, then what's wrong with using family assets to finance this in as good a way as possible? If you're paying for a service, you control it a lot better than when you are not paying
^^ this
What's the point of accumulating wealth for later life if you don't then use it to support your care when you can't look after yourself?
Basically, if you fund your own care, it means taxpayers' money can be left to provide care for those who can't afford to do so themselves.
If you transfer assets to give the taxman the impression you have none, when in fact you do and expecting the taxpayer to then pay for your care, well, in a time when we're very very short of government cash that seems pretty damn tight to me.
I'm not sure it's that different to all this offshore stuff that's going on - moving money around to give the impression you have less than you really do so you can pay lower taxes/lower care costs...
A good piece of advice I've been given is that all members of a family should set up PoA over each other while they are all still healthy, so as to avoid the stress of doing it if a life-changing event happens.
Yes definitely do this but in addition I recommend a joint bank account with your aging relative. Even with a PoA it can be difficult accessing their bank account especially after they have died and there are funeral costs etc. If you are on a joint account with them then the account continues in your name. I had a joint account with my dad and it did make financial matters go much more smoothly at the end.
Top tip after clearing my grandparents house - go through [u]everyting[/u] to make sure that they haven't hidden any cash or jewellery. Books, under drawers, false fronts under kitchen cupboards..... 🙄
Problem with care costs is that (a) many think they should reasonably be covered under either social security welfare and/or NHS as a result of having paid taxes all their lives and (b) people are basically selected for bankruptcy at random depending on whether they get alzheimers or not. I liked the idea that was floated some time ago about a sort of insurance bond where for a fairly hefty payment, you would have the care costs capped at some non-ruinous level. Not sure if that is still on the table somewhere...
Had a debate with my mum about this the other day - her view is exactly (a) above, that the social security bargain people her age feel they entered into was that the NI and tax contributions they paid all their working lives were paid in part to fund state-provided care in later life, should they need it. As far as she's concerned, successive governments have repeatedly moved the goalposts.
I don't think I agree with her, but I suspect my view of exactly what the welfare state is there to provide for is probably very different from what her view was at my age.
Not sure who's more right.
We have just settled my MIL in a care home after she has stayed with us for 6 months while receiving chemo. When she arrived we were completely ignorant of all the care that is available from the NHS and Social Services. What we hadn't appreciated is that caring for an elderly, sick, incontinent relative is almost a full-time job and requires a massive amount of energy, determination and resourcefulness to get everything working right. Mrs Gti's personal projects have been on hold for 6 months as she just hasn't had the energy to tackle them. Anything you can do at an early stage to make this process easier is definitely worth doing.
no idea how folk think like that when its your parents.
I was thinking of the MIL!!
I deal with this every day, care is a huge issue and is only going to get worse. As soon as you get any indication that they are going to need help seek some advice (professional not the man in the pub type).
Lasting Powers of Attorney are a must, and always do both. Saving a few quid by just doing the financial one is no good when the Local Authority won't talk to you about a care plan.
If anyone in your family is living with dementia it is really worth while attending a dementia friends information session.
Info on both http://www.lastingpowerofattorney.info/
https://www.dementiafriends.org.uk/
[i]As far as she's concerned, successive governments have repeatedly moved the goalposts. [/i]
A better statement would be 'the goalposts have moved'.
Do remind her that when these promises were made (+50 years ago etc) folk weren't living to an average of +80 y/o like they are now.