[Closed] A sad day!

bummer about your daughter, you'll see her regularly though, yes?

Argue about the furniture if you want it, why should she get it all? 50/50 split surely.

Thought this was going to be a thread about someone selling their ti singlespeed uber-niche machine - not genuinely sad news. 🙁

Sorry to hear that and hope things work out ok for you.

Things will work out for the better in the end but with kids must be hard and as Samuri says tell her to chuff of with the furniture.

50/50 split sounds fair.
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Furniture not the kid, natch

Been there got the t-shirt and the solicitors bill. Sorry to hear man, you're at the toughing it out stage I'm afraid.

Just try to keep it together and your dignity intact - don't let the barstewards wear you down.

TS

Thanks for your messages guys.

Hopefully, I will get to see her regularly. As for the furniture - my daughter will need it more than me and it can be replaced at some point.

The biggest issue I have is that my daughter really doesn't want to go - she thinks mummy has something wrong in her head (her words not mine) and has said mummy has to drag her to the new house!

quite a dilemma eh!

Who cares about furniture...Focus on your daughter

If your daughter really doesn't want to go then her wishes should be respected surely?

Yeah true furniture would be best where ever you daughter goes, maybe need to try and have your daughter a bot more if your worried. Sure your going through all this anyway.

If wasn't for work commitments I would have all the time.

I'm more worried about an 8 year old threatening to run away from her mums house.

Your daughter is old enough for her wishes to be taken into account and counted (assuming she would live with you rather than want you both to stay together)

http://www.cafcass.gov.uk/

She will have priority over what you /your wife wants and her wishes will be heard and taken into account.
YOU WILL GET TO SEE YOUR DAUGHTER if you are named on the birth certificate you automatically have parental rights. You are only haggling over how much.

Also in the same position as you but two kids involved but looks like it will be one each custody and sharing time equally (but she needs me out within 4 weeks or she is in serious financial trouble so she may /could be saying anything)

It can only get better from here and remember that maintaining contact with your daughter is the Prime goals in this truly sh1tty scenario.
Although not easy fight your corner whilst still trying to maintain some semblance of reasonableness with your ex.
Good luck

I'm currently sending the best vibes I can muster mate.
Not the same, but when I split with a long term (7yrs) partner some years ago it felt like shit until she finally moved out. Things got a lot easier after that.
Hope you feel a little better soon mate.
A virtual pat on the back is on its way.
PT.

Chin up dude, as long as you have time, a bike, and some beer (porn is also a good plan - lol) you will be fine and will have the last laugh!

This place sometime gets a slagging - but not today, some good helpful comments.

Your right, it will get better from now on, as they say the worlds my oyster.

For the record it was 12 years - most of them great, some good and a few really shit months.

Is it just me (sorry girls) but I seem to know a few guys who's wives have reached 40 are going through the same things where my wife completely lost the plot?

maybe family mediation would be useful for you?

http://www.familymediationhelpline.co.uk/family-mediation.php

Family mediation is a way of resolving disputes after separation or divorce. In mediation, couples are helped to look for their own solutions to their disputes.

Both parties explain their concerns and needs to each other in the presence of a qualified family mediator. The mediator is impartial, which means that they are not on anyone's side. They are there help both parties, unlike a solicitor who only works for one party in each case. Sometimes the mediator will suggest a way of solving a problem to help them to reach an agreement acceptable to both, but they will never tell either party what to do.

Probably a damn sight cheaper and better than using solicitors.
My mum works for a place that does it in Essex, she says they get good results.

wasn't really planning on sharing on here, but here goes

looks like I'm heading the same way as Fitzy, 3 kids here. 10 years marriage, wife is 36 and things have gone off course in the last 2 or 3 years - it does seem like shes changed over the last few years and got restless, whilst I have stayed largely the same and want to enjoy the comfortable life and happy kids we are blessed with

I seem to have failed to say/ do the right things since things started going wrong - now things feel too far gone to save, too much mutual frustation and resentment

i don't know how we're going to tell the kids

Much to my ex's annoyance, I thought it wise not to hide anything and be an open book with the kids.

Grievoustim - thats pretty much what happened in my relationship, like you I was happy then all of a sudden - bam it was all over!

Guys I know who have gone through a similar problem described it as 'Me Me Decease'

fitzy

similar scenario with me mate so - 12 years on, one son (5) wife approaching 40 and suddenly stuff isnt good enough, theres no connection etc. well for a few yrs now but you carry on etc. as you think its just a bad patch

i;m looking at rented place tonight - if its any good i'll be moving out in next few wks so in a similar scenario.

chin up - some good comments here which i second - we tried a "Trial" seperation 2 yrs ago and i have to admit i drank too much and it didnt work so try and stay focussed and look after yourself

All a bit grim, like others have said chin up and be there for your girl.

What ever your Mrs does stay focused and in the end right is right and wrong is wrong, your daughter will see that

My god is everyone in some kind of relationship battle?

It seems that there is a mid life crisis thing going on.

yes seems that way

power struggle as my wife called it last night - she is right i am wrong

ha ha

as I said earlier 'Me Me Disease'

Hey, forget the fit club thing, we should start the Fathers Club! with added morel support.

Being 40 for a Woman is a huge life changing event.
Men seem to just look better with age, whereas we realise things are slowly going down hill and I don't mean the bike!

Women now a days are earniing good money ( not me obviously), are more independant and want a lot out of life. Often their Mothers never had the opporunities that we have. So they don't want to end up tied to a kitchen sink. All i.m.o.

Sometimes Men just can't read the signs, after all taking hints is not a man type thing, that things may not be right.

I wish you and your little girl well.

If things aren't mean't to be then so be it.
You will get through this and look back and realise it was for the best.

Been there and got the t shirt, my daughter was 6 when it happened and i was the main carer as partner worked, she told my daughter i left but actually the ex started to burn my stuff and flipped out, so i moved out my daughter is now 20, she has just spent a month with us and its been great, i saw her twicw a week and helped my ex with childcare when she needed it. a few years after that the ex cracked and spent 18 months in hosp with severe depression and has not worked since, so maybe the flipping out bit was a sign. But the pain does ease and it took me about 6 months to get over it but you do in the end, just hang in there and look to the future

I feel for you fitzy.

It's 8 months since my (ex) fiance dropped the bomb on me & moved out & i can honestly say i've not dealt with it too well.
I spent the Xmas/New Year in a complete funk & came very close to hanging myself in January before i managed to get help.

I'm still very bitter over things to do with the ex & it still burns me up sometimes.

I'm seeing a lovely girl now but i feel guilty because i still have the hangups from the last (9yrs) relationship.

Like everyone says, concentrate on your child but don't let the ex walk over you. You have a right to half of the stuff in the house - you paid good money for it so why should you be the one left with nothing?

As Handyman said - it DOES get better but it doesn't happen overnight, so don't expect miracles.

fitzy she wants the best furniture, but it doesnt have to be in best condition,eg spings broke/cut in settee,hinges damaged on cupboards,rubbing a few garlic cloves over the back of cabinets helps ward off evil spirits as does, a few garlic cloves down the back of the arm chairs and in the tv.

Never been in a breakup situation,but near a few times, dont get bitter when it happens as you think you cant do anything, JUST GET EVEN,a few years down the line,revenge a few years latter always appears to mature into a better thing.

All the best Fitzy. Similar thing happened to me over 12 months ago and I never would have believed how good I would feel a year later. Two 8 year old daughters in the equation here but they live with me most of the time and that suits me down to the ground. Focus on yourself and your daughter - it will get better but it will take time - this is the low point for you now but the dark days will get less frequent as time goes on.

When children come along, it is the woman whose life changes the most. For example, giving up work, a new experience of bringing up a baby for 10 hours each day 5 days per week. Loneliness, loss of self-esteem, reduced income, hormones all over the place etc etc.

The man carries on with his normal routine, ie going to work.

As Bunnyhop says, reaching 40 is a life changing event. It's a time for perhaps facing up to where your life is going, or not going. Do you have anything in common with your partner, apart from children. Much introspection with many questions needing to be answered.

I wish you well though and do continue to see your daughter on a regular basis and maintain a good relationship with her. Furniture is just possessions and can be replaced at any time.

Cinnamon girl

Normally I would agree with you but I was pretty much the main carer after the birth of my daughter due to various issues and was pretty much right up until recently.

Still that's living in the past now.

Thanks guys actually have helped and I feel a lot better about the future now.

Coming up for 12 months for me since wife set up home with family "friend" and I cannot believe how far I have come in that time.Daughter 4 son 3 both adopted siblings broke me heart not to see them. Up till last week could only see them alternate weekends but took it court last Monday and now have one overnight during the week. Kids think its great on Daddy night.

Life turns upside down for a while and you can think of nothing else. Stay focused on your daughter after all her needs come first. Keep your dignity and try not to rise to the bait that gets sent your way. Keep off the booze and try to do the things you like doing most with the people you like the most. I threw myself into the training thing riding as much as poss with or without my mates.

Now I'm as fit as a fiddle and it's her that's having regrets.

Only downside is today my son is 3 and I won't be at his birthday party tonight but had them overnight last night so did my party thing yesterday.

Off to Morzine on Friday to cheer myself up.

I like the idea of having the time to ride and get fit again, so I'm going to put a plan together tonight.

I sure that my daughter will be OK, I got her a mobile phone and I'm getting texts every couple of hours or so telling me what she is up too - great!

Like you Fizzer, I've just booked a trip to Morzine at the end of August with a group of friends.

I suppose that once you get used to living alone, its not so bad.

Sounds cheesy but its true what they say my friend - time is a great healer.

Make the most of your precious time with your daughter, you'll find every time you see her is quality time.

And enjoy that trip to the Alps, I know I'm going to.

We all seem to have the same tee shirt 🙁 All went down the drain when i was 26 took a load of pills (****) made myself sick . she left everything house pets the lot. then about 4 months later all the bills for the things she had brought on tick ect started rolling in. as she left the house i paid them off 20yrs later very happy and found mountain bikes and the LOVE of my life. You just need to draw a line under it and move on it is hard but worth it in the end. and be very careful when the new man turns up cos you will want to scrap with him but it will be the worse thing you can do. chin up and smile.

Stay off the booze and drugs. Best of luck.

Hang in there Fitzy. The bad days will get less, believe me. Enjoy your holiday though!

Hi Fitzy...sounds like a real bummer ;-(

I am just about to split 9I think) with my wife. We have 3 kids after 17 years of marriage. She has lost the plot and is going through some mid life crisis. She is currently on her 4th affair to my knowledge!

I desperately love the kids and do not want to end despite her behaviour but I have to face facts that the marriage and relationship are unrepairable.

Blimey aw. That does sound like a dreadful situation. Hormones do have a lot to answer for, can you persuade her to see her GP?

Oh and Fitzy - if you can afford it buy a new bike it's worked wonders for me. Best offload some cash now before she comes calling.

Agree with the new bike suggestion - I bought a Ti and love it 8)

Just to give you something positive from this, my parents split when I was 10, after a 14 year marriage. They both remaried within 4 years (OK, my dad had a headstart as he married his mistress!). Both my parents are now very happy, and I've got no idea how they lasted that long together since they aren't suited at all. I suspect it was for the kids, but with maturity I wish for their sakes they'd have separated earlier.

I would urge you to try as hard as you can to keep it amicable. I have a great relationship with both my parents and their partners, and I think it's because it was always civil between them. Just try and spend as much time as you can with your daughter and bite your lip if the ex tries to be bitchy. It'll be worth it in the end. Good luck, hope it works out for you.

Good luck fella, my wife turns 40 in a few days, but then thing's haven't been the same since the kids came along, I hope you get it sorted as best you can.
Good luck.

Sad as it seems, when this first happened. It felt that I was the only bloke that had ever gone through something like this.

However so many of you have a lot of experience and I might add, some very encouraging comments.

I wish I had posted earlier - who needs therapy when you lot are around - thanks!

Desperately sorry to read your troubles Fitzy... really am. I have two girls who are the center of my life, I just couldn't bear to ever have to tell them mum and dad are splitting up.

My wife is 36 so am now shitting it for 4 years time.

Virtual pat on the back sent your way, and all you other guys on here too.

Some of the long termers on here will recall my story in a previous incarnation as Labrat.

In a similar plot to some of the others one here, my ex went (in my opinion) completely doolally and a 12 year relationship was over in the space of a weekend, however shortly after splitting she did a runner with the kids, I had to track her down through private detectives to 200 miles away, and fight for six months to even get to see the kids.

It really should have rung the alarm bells when I met her psychiatrist when we were both seventeen! (recovering anorexic... me quite happy being knight in shining armour helping her, her continuing with relapses, panic attacks etc. for years)

The court system is bollocks, do everything you can to stay away from it, as by and large the bloke will never win unless mum is a direct risk to the kids!

CAFCASS are actually surprisingly reasonable as people themselves, but very set in their ways - mum keeps the kids dad gets weekend contact is still the overwhelming outcome, regardless of what life was like before or what the circumstances are.

That was about five years ago, and I can honestly say that it ****ing destroyed me at the time, I was on the edge of suicide, some of the people here really helped me through that patch and I'm eternally greatful!

I've battled on and off with depression etc since, but things do calm down, and I'm pretty much fine - overall I have a pretty good relationship with the kids, and see them as much as I can, but nowhere near as much as I'd like!

At the moment I'm looking forward to a couple of weeks with them in the holidays (they'll also get another week and a bit staying with my parents, grandparents are a very useful tool making half the holidays a feasible request!)

So, chin up - please don't get too down, there is light at the end of a very long tunnel. Your kids need you now and in the near future more than ever before! Its all part of life 🙂

As for my Ex? Settled down and got remarried last year, had a baby at easter and she seems to have calmed down. The kids will make their own mind up about everything when they are older. Personally, I'm really, honestly not bitter, but would still quite happily do her in with a shovel and leave her in a shallow grave 😈

Like RichPenny, I'm the child of a broken marriage, 21 yrs. Split when I was about 14. If I can offer one bit of advice? Do not under any circumstances use your children as weapons against each other. There is, I suppose, an overwhelming urge to want to hurt each other, please try to be positive about each other to your kids. It IS the most traumatic thing that will ever happen to them, I'm 41, my brother (who went to uni so missed most of it) is in his late 40's, every-time we get together, the conversation will get round to our parents divorce, still, after all these years...Bear that in mind...

Hi Fitzy how are you today? Been out on my bike and been thinking about you & your predicament whilst riding. Took me back to this time last year - everything fine then bang - all gone pear shaped. Take each day at a time and don't rush into anything. You're not alone and a lot of us on here are rooting for you.

Perhaps we should have a single Dad's ride (And Mum's if you like Cinammon Girl), obviously not on a contact weekend lol 🙂

Fizzer, I'm getting better each day.
Monday was sort of a closure point that brought the whole lot into prospective. However, having all these virtual pats on the back have given me a sore shoulder - thanks anyway.

A singles dads and mums ride could have a lot of different meanings, but it sounds a great idea!

I'm normally a glass half full type of guy and will come through much wiser and hopefully my daughter will be too.

Cheers girls and boys, you rock!!

Even adult offspring can find it hard to deal with when their parents split, as I found out last year. My two (early 20's) didn't want to know me cos I was the cow that walked out (nobody else involved) and in fact I was estranged from the youngest for a good six months. That was truly upsetting.

You will really value your friendships and it can be surprising the kindness of people.

Hang in there.

I've just got a message from my daughter and she is staying tonight :0)

Also it seems that I get custody of the DVD player - things are looking up!

Good luck Fitzy.

Whilst not in the same league (i.e. kids involved) i went of the deep end last night, my depression came back for a visit when my guard was down.
I am a membe of a re-enactment group & i introduced the ex to this group 9yrs ago.
When we split she told me she wasn't going to be doing the events this yr so i thought i had a free run at getting back into it & renewing friendships that had been somewhat strained by the split.
It's my birthday this weekend & i was really looking forward to spending it at Stafford Castle. It turns out the ex decided to not only turn up at last weekend's event (that i only missed cos of a friend in trouble) but wants to go to this weekends one as well.

I do not, cannot be around her. I do not ever want to see her fat, bovine face ever again & she knows this. She also knows it's my birthday but she is determined to spoil it for me.

Not a good night.

Basically i've had a relapse & i think i need the happy pills again.

You too may find it coming back when you least expect it, but it WILL get better.

Simon I can empathize with that. Just when your guard's down you get a bad day and it hits you hard. I don't get many these days but felt a bit low two days after the court hearing when I found out the ex had been lying about what was said in court, made me out the perputator and all that. Not that it is anyone else's business anyway.

Just to put things into perspective, about 3 months after she left me, my Dad died. Going through that experience on my own made me realise that I could overcome the separation from my family.

Then I met a wonderful lady and tried to start again. Ended it after 6 months. Just too much too soon. Pity because she really is special and was/is a great help. Got on fantastic with my kids & me with hers, maybe in time who knows but I don't feel ready to commit yet.

Bring on Friday morning and the French Alps 😀

Hey Muddydwarf hang in there mate.

If you ever find yourself in Kent, give me a call.

Anyway, I have been telling myself that its her loss not mine - do it often enough and your start to believe it - mental conditioning I think its called.

Last night I briefly saw my ex, I didn't get all needy and sad but acted as though everything was good and I was enjoying being single again. Funny enough it was her that started to cry and lost the plot.

I'm glad the my daughter stayed with me last night.

Fizzer - that you Andy?

Drop me a line will ya, pc crashed & i lost all my e-mail address's.

Fitzy - good for you, hope you can keep up the good work!

Not sure what i'm gonna do yet - i don't need to spend my birthday getting uptight & upset because the FFF (Fat Frigid Frump) is in the vincity...