[Closed] If the lad will drag himself away from his electronic games.

I feel your pain, mine’s exactly the same (14) Fwiw my mate’s son got to about 18, put his controllers down and barely picked them up since, so i live in hope. Just occurred to me that they’re called controllers - makes you think what it is they’re controlling!!

Both mine (17 and 13) will ride if pushed, and enjoy it. But they both have different preferred hobbies (music and gymnastics) that take up 2-3 evenings a week and a chunk of the weekend, so with school stuff as well, I don't push them very often.

If he's playing video games with mates it's a social thing. Providing he's getting some exercise and fresh air most days, even if it's just going to and from school, and you can get him out on a bike or for a walk for an hour at a weekend, I wouldn't worry about it.

I wish my kids loved bikes like I do, but they don't. Forcing it in a teenager really won't help.

Mine love gaming. Not particularly a bad thing right now given the previous lockdowns, but both seem more reluctant to ride I reckon. Right now forza and rocket league trump riding in the rain.

I wish my kids loved bikes like I do, but they don’t.

Very much this. It's your hobby, not his.

It’s a fair ways behind me now but I went through a phase of it. Stopped doing the active stuff I’d done through primary school and didn’t pick anything else up for a year or two. My parents gave me a kick up the arse to do something else and I ended up joining the local scout group where I knew people. Outdoors and setting fire to things broke the school/games/school/games routine. Still played plenty but did other things as well and it slowly tapered off. Had a couple of friends that were similar and we all dropped it off to a greater or lesser extent as we got to the end of teenageness and it hung around for a few more years as a social thing.

Mine is 50-50.

Half his afternoons are Xbox and half riding. I'm ok with that.

Weekend is more riding than Xbox though.

Steve, how you feeling it?

It's a real pain ... and quite upsetting.

just can’t be arsed. All he does all day is revise and play computer games, nothing else. He comes out with us about once a month and quite enjoys it, but then can’t be arsed for weeks on end.

I wish he'd revise .. even when he does it's listening to some Youtube from some gamer**...
In the summer he came out with something about him being "naturally very pale" which apart from being complete rubbish struck a cord that he thinks the pasty look is somehow cool which seems to me some "gamer" type sit in parents basement "cool"

**take that away and it's meltdown for hours... total Kevin Patterson
https://www.google.com/search?rlz=1C1CHFX_en-GBGB545GB549&sxsrf=ALeKk01JyHzWk7Mtk_dmH2_KdQB_XjyvbQ:1607189526666&q=harry+enfield+kevin+it%27s+not+fair&spell=1&sa=X&ved=2ahUKEwjCgMvGr7ftAhUNRhUIHYMhA80QkeECKAB6BAgJEDc

I think the real thing gets to me though is "can't be arsed" is the best description. I could put it in nicer words but ultimately that sums it up perfectly.

School work/guitar/bike .. it's like it's time stolen from his gaming.
Even when he's riding half the time he want to get home and that really means "back on the computer". He's been doing it since we got it after a very short n0on tech ride.

I actually got him to do some "optional homework" the other day (I don't understand who gives an 11yr old boy optional homework AND expects any of them to do it) and after checking it I left him to upload it... he still "can't be arsed" to upload it even though he did the homework.

AIUI quite a few adult blokes are obsessed with games too, so I have a feeling it’ll go on for a longggggg time.

The games today are completely different to what we had ... they are designed by psychologists to be addictive and have "daily rewards" (that means penalty if you don't log in each day. I view it like the sweets at checkouts... and the pressure can be the same. Total meltdown though to be fair he isn't into sweets or similar.

He's a very gifted rider ... completely natural but he can't be arsed. All his guitar exams he gets distinctions but he can't be arsed he'll literally do the minimum to get a distinction.

Academically he's fine... he aced his SATS with exceeds in everything BUT he can't be arsed to try harder.

I can't help thinking a lot of this is because he's not challenged.. he's a way better rider than I am... he tows me into scary stuff when he "can be arsed" and makes it look easy. When he can be arsed he keep up with adult pro riders ... then next time he'll bimble around and I'll be braking

I'm musically inept but I feel he doesn't find the guitar syllabus challenging. He totally shocked me by being able to play pop he just hears without seeming to try. I can't really judge that ...

School work is just boring. The pace is so slow he can't be arsed. When he did the extra work (French) he said "but 2 of the kids are French so what's the point -0 I can't get a better mark".

It seems like gaming allows him a challenge?

I could handle it better but we just did a short 3hr ride with his friends (who aren't big gamers) and all he talked about were electronic games the whole time. I just wanted to tell him to shut up and talk about something else.

We got in the car and I asked him to text mum with an ETA "I'm playing a game"....

Anyone’s son come out of the far end and regained their zest for doing real stuff, or is that it for us?

I'd love to know ...

My son's gaming these days, and his car (he's 20). Occasionally gets his bike out and goes off for a ride with mates. He got it in his head this summer that he and his mate will go to the Alps when all the pandemic is over for a spot of downhill.

I said, well you better start riding more than a couple of times a year, and save up for a decent bike. I've tried to get him to come on a local 10 mile lop with me over the summer, nah...

Is this just a phase...

One thing I can take from being a Dad is everything is phases!
All the way from, baby doesn’t breathe properly, to all other kids are crawling first, from why does he talk with a lisp? to he’s a bit chubby... phase after phase they go through and come out the other end of... moving into the next phase...

My lad was obsessed with games at about 12-14.. then next phase is, he wants to do more mountain biking... now he’s got a girlfriend..
All is good.

I don't have direct experience of this but I can only think how much I wanted to hang out with my dad when I was 12/13. Doesn't matter how much you love biking and think it's cool (I'm mid forties and I do),  kids at that age aren't gonna want to do it with you (generalising).  If he's keeping up with pro's, does he have the opportunity to ride with quicker guys more often to challenge him?  Takes a certain kind of teenager to want to ride in filthy wet and cold conditions,  too.

I consider myself fairly lucky in some respect... Once the cold weather draws in my 13 year old nails his door shut and screens at his xbox most days but once the sun comes back out he rides every day either with his mates or me.... And sometimes if I'm lucky enough I get to tag along to the local DH tracks.

Mine is 39 and is still obsessed with gaming! A few years ago he suddenly got back into bikes and bought a fancy carbon trailbike and then prised a road bike off me. Things looked good, he would ride with me and get out with his mates and then they had a baby and back to square one.
I am now planning to turn the granddaughter into a two wheel fanatic

I never understand why one hobby is looked down upon over others. I've been playing video games since I was 5 and I'm still going strong at 32. I have a mortgage, a good job and a healthy social life. Let the kid enjoy them if he wants. Forcing him to stop or do other things will just make him resent you.

I think @jimmy makes a good point. My lad is 19 now and has just gone to Sheffield Uni, he’s taken his Capra & DJ bike (both in his halls bedroom!)
He got into his Xbox but luckily it didn’t stop the riding. He got better than me around 14 and is now in a totally different league. He’s never been into doing a big XC type ride, we’ve always just gone out and sessioned stuff or gone to Revs. I think what helped is him making friends with other good riders when he hit his teens. He has a lot of good local riders at home to ride with and we’re lucky to have a place by Leogang so when we’re there we ride with the Leogang race team.
I guess the point is that maybe he can’t be arsed riding with you because the riding you want to do is boring to him?

I think it makes a big difference if your mates are into cycling as well. Growing up, my friends weren't into cycling so although I still enjoyed it I would never do it that often as it wouldn't be with my friends. All my brother's mates were into cycling so they'd do it as a group.

I went through a phase in my late teens where I barely touched my bike but I got it out one day and have been obsessed since.

With the gaming thing, I enjoyed it as a child but barely touch it as an adult. I have plenty of friends who still game but I don't get it, once you've played one FIFA they all seem the same.

I guess the point is that maybe he can’t be arsed riding with you because the riding you want to do is boring to him?

Not sure if directed at me or Steve. I have been very conscious of this with his little brother, but I'm sure it's not the issue with the big one (the gamer). He likes to bimble. Don't be rushed, never goes fast up or down, just ambles along at his own pace enjoying the effort and scenery. The little one is much more into jumps and flow, which we've found tricky to provide this year, and why I'm keen to get back to llandegla.

Aged 12-13 and can’t be arsed by anything, sounds like a normal teenager to me.
If it’s about spending time together then why not try getting into gaming? Find something you can play together. If it’s about you taking the huff because he doesn’t want to do what you want to, then get over yourself.

My son and daughter are addicted to gaming (or watching videos of other people gaming). As was mentioned earlier many games are designed to be addivtive, the kids are getting constant little dopamine hits. When I was a teenager (older than my daughter but worryingly the same age as my son) I spent my free time smoking weed with mates. Maybe teenagers have a desire for quick dopammine hits with expending minimal energy. Given I turned out OK I am sure my kids will. At leats what they are up to doesn't run the risk of a criminal record!

Neither of my kids are into my hobbies, but why should they be? We go for family rides if the weather is nice and my son will hit a trail centre if he's in the right mood but enforced 'fun' is never worth it as we all just get pissed off with each other.

If it’s about spending time together then why not try getting into gaming? Find something you can play together. If it’s about you taking the huff because he doesn’t want to do what you want to, then get over yourself.

Yep, good points. But....
My main concern isn't about us doing stuff together, it's about him doing something that's not playing computer games. He used to cook loads, play football with his brother, practise basketball in the garden for hours. Drawing and stuff.
He's now addicted to games, and finds it impossible to get away from them . He sits there getting into a savage rage about it, but unable to walk away and do something else.
The games aren't designed as a happy addition/ interlude to life. They're addictive and all consuming, to the extent where he's doing sod all else.

It's not about doing what I want to do. It's about doing something/anything other than what Steam and Battle.net want him to do.

( I appreciate that I've veered off slightly from my initial post)

If he’s keeping up with pro’s, does he have the opportunity to ride with quicker guys more often to challenge him? Takes a certain kind of teenager to want to ride in filthy wet and cold conditions, too.

Basically, when he can be arsed.

He'll mostly bimble then lay down a insane run every so often.
Maybe the best explanation ... About this time last year we met up with some friends including a sponsored rider and they both went off to do a couple of runs. My mate wasn't into doing some of the stuff so I sat out with him.

When they got back to the top the mate of a mate said at the top flatter bit he thought he'd made a mistake letting him go in front.. then he got to the steep tech and he just took off.
(Maybe this is feeding into what Cubist said about dopamine hits?)

Yesterday (Windhill) he was with one of his mates and the pair of them bimbled all day. Yesterday his mate was "cold" but refused to wear anything warm... last time it was him etc.. its all very "Kevin" he'll make a huge deal about cycling or pushing up ... draped over the bars in protest the suddenly it's lunch and he's chasing down e-bikes on the climb to go to the car and get his phone.

I guess the point is that maybe he can’t be arsed riding with you because the riding you want to do is boring to him?

I've completely changed what I ride to what he says he likes.
It's only 4-5 years ago I was strictly wheels on the ground ... now when we can it's Revs and Dyfi.
He can go off with mates when he's there in fact for the last couple of years I've let him ride stuff alone when he wants.

If it’s about spending time together then why not try getting into gaming?

I think it's partly spending time together ... but

He used to cook loads, play football with his brother, practise basketball in the garden for hours. Drawing and stuff.
He’s now addicted to games, and finds it impossible to get away from them . He sits there getting into a savage rage about it, but unable to walk away and do something else.
The games aren’t designed as a happy addition/ interlude to life. They’re addictive and all consuming, to the extent where he’s doing sod all else.

My son and daughter are addicted to gaming (or watching videos of other people gaming). As was mentioned earlier many games are designed to be addivtive, the kids are getting constant little dopamine hits. When I was a teenager (older than my daughter but worryingly the same age as my son) I spent my free time smoking weed with mates. Maybe teenagers have a desire for quick dopammine hits with expending minimal energy. Given I turned out OK I am sure my kids will. At leats what they are up to doesn’t run the risk of a criminal record!

It's not just playing games it's watching youtubes of games... and talking AT people who have no interest in games about games. I know I'm fanatical about bikes but I don't go trying to force my mum into deep discussions over different suspension design. (Or even my brother who is an engineer and rides a bit)

Neither of my kids are into my hobbies, but why should they be? We go for family rides if the weather is nice and my son will hit a trail centre if he’s in the right mood but enforced ‘fun’ is never worth it as we all just get pissed off with each other.

He's into long term .. "shall we book Dyfi and Revs next month... lets see if some of your mates want to come". Heck he was all for it yesterday at a tiome in the future... the problem is when it comes to the time after I've spent the money on accommodation, uplift etc. and he has to put down his phone/step away from the computer etc.

The games aren’t designed as a happy addition/ interlude to life. They’re addictive and all consuming, to the extent where he’s doing sod all else.

I think this ties in ... and for me draws the analogy...

When I was a teenager (older than my daughter but worryingly the same age as my son) I spent my free time smoking weed with mates.

This is far more like crack or meth than a casual weed habit... at least the weed we had. It's the "all consuming" part that is quickly becoming more and more consuming.

Daft thing is, midweek we've had to power down the router. My son's 20 and won't come off, but his gaming would go on all night - not great for me as I'm up for work then he'd lie in bed all day.

He lost his job in the summer, so had been living a twilight day. We've been saying he needs to adjust his hours as the job market was picking up. He's two weeks into a new job, one he loves, but I'm still kicking him out of bed to get there.

Last night, despite there being no internet, he was still using his mobile data via his PC at 1:30 - I'm knackered this morning having been disturbed and asked him to come off. Guess what, had to get him up this morning, and what a grumpy ar$e he was again. Said there is food in the fridge to make a sandwich - did he bother, no, just gives lip. If I didn't get him up, he'd lose his job as he'd not wake up. alarm goes off and he just switches it off and goes to bed. His new boss wouldn't be too happy.

At his old job, pre covid, I'd have to check CCTV to see he's left home (i.e. his car had gone) - he was late all the time. I used to start early, so could check. He was regularly late. Phone up, 'where are you ?' , 'Next to work in Asda', me 'Funny that your car is at home and you start work in 10 mins'.

He still thinks gaming/his hobby is the most important thing, yet when you advise him, staying up all night won't get him to work, and the moods are shocking.

We've had some massive arguments in the last few months, as I'm doing most of the housework, cooking, working from home, and being kept awake all night. Totally selfish. He's at the age where he wants all the independence, but won't help or pay rent, nor can he afford to live any where else. It's unfortunately that age where they become an ar$e so you 'want them out'.

Eek

We’ve had some massive arguments in the last few months, as I’m doing most of the housework, cooking, working from home, and being kept awake all night. Totally selfish. He’s at the age where he wants all the independence, but won’t help or pay rent, nor can he afford to live any where else. It’s unfortunately that age where they become an ar$e so you ‘want them out’.

Ask for rent and money for food/bills.  Have some house rules. You're not doing him any favours.

He still thinks gaming/his hobby is the most important thing, yet when you advise him, staying up all night won’t get him to work, and the moods are shocking.

Indeed eek....if only because that is an older version.
I'm certainly in no position to say what I'd do....

This sounds all very "teenage" to me. It sort of is what it is really. When I hit 13 i pretty much thought everything my dad said was worthless until my early twenties.

I have a great relationship with my daughter (13) but she now thinks hanging out with either me or her mum to be "sooooo lame" and just wants to do whatever her mates are doing. And to be fair to her I actually think this is quite healthy. A big part of being a parent is preparing them for the real world so leaving them to f*ck up and learn from it is a good thing.

Ask for rent and money for food/bills. Have some house rules. You’re not doing him any favours.

I'm afraid I'm in this camp too. My 17 year old plays for a couple of hours each evening, but knows he's got to be up by 6.20 to do his paper round before he catches the bus for college. We've made it clear that if he doesn't go to uni next year, he'll be paying rent. It's a cliche, but worked for me when I quit poly and moved back home.

He's very focused on getting to uni 🤣

Blackflag

she now thinks hanging out with either me or her mum to be “sooooo lame” and just wants to do whatever her mates are doing. And to be fair to her I actually think this is quite healthy. A big part of being a parent is preparing them for the real world so leaving them to f*ck up and learn from it is a good thing.

I more or less get that... but I guess a bit depends on what "whatever her mates are doing" means, in this case especially the "doing" part.

I know its lockdown and all... but if he wanted to actually SEE his friends that would be different to just gaming and watching gaming. (I think obviously can't say 100%)

When he couldn't leave the house for 2 weeks he wasn't bothered at all, in some ways I'd have been happier if he was.

At 13 years old, the parents decide the time spent playing games.

Other stimulating activities should be be offered and catered for, of course!

The gaming thing is v frustrating sometimes (2 boys 15 and 12) and I flip flop between thinking they're wasting their childhood, to a get with the times- it's how they socialise. To be fair they have a decent balance, doing well at school, playing sport, occasionally humouring their old man by accepting the invitation to ride.

But that doesn't stop it being the biggest source of arguments at home, bad moods when they come off, a battle to come off for tea to help with jobs "it's the middle of a game" (my in head reply "I don't give a f***). Have to invoke the ultimate removal of the xbox for a few days every 2-3 months as the piss take / entitled attitude just creeps up and up. Taking it away has an almost instant improvement in the general atmosphere and level of nice communication in the house....just stoking Mrs Ps stance that it should go permanently. Hoping the older one gets a GF soon tbh as that'll reduce the issue, but can't help thinking he's no chance when such a large part of his thought processes and conversation revolves around gaming in comparison with sophisticated 16 yr old girls!

stevextc. Is he OK? Not wanting to set hares running but is he happy sat there in his virtual world or is he avoiding / dealing with stuff in his head and the games are a distraction?

Pedlad nails it beautifully.

Well said sir.

Well one things for sure. It's reassuring to know that other people are going through similar.

to a get with the times- it’s how they socialise

to comment on this, my brother is a secondary teacher and remarked on the social regression of the male half of his students between march and september. Months where their only interaction with their peers was online conversation while they coordinated their grenade throwing assault or something like that was no substitute for actually _talking_ to someone in real life - what you might call having a chat.

The girls were comparatively unaffected. Whether that is being wired differently, or a different choice of bedroom bound recreational activity, is unknown.

stevextc. Is he OK? Not wanting to set hares running but is he happy sat there in his virtual world or is he avoiding / dealing with stuff in his head and the games are a distraction?

Fair question but it almost seems like at least 2 things.
As Pedlad says

But that doesn’t stop it being the biggest source of arguments at home, bad moods when they come off, a battle to come off for tea to help with jobs “it’s the middle of a game” (my in head reply “I don’t give a f***).

"Tea in 30 mins" doesn't help...

Then when he is out he just goes on and on about games.
Taking him away to do something he just wants to get home to "games"

He's completely lost interest in everything and anything else including holidays. "When can we go home to the internet - can we leave early?". "Shall we go to the beach"... "I just want to go home to the internet"

my in head reply “I don’t give a f***

That has occasionally come out of my mouth and genuinely shocks him into doing what I want him to do, when I need him to do it. To be fair, mine are pretty good and gaming has been his distraction when he can't do his usual musical stuff with friends.

Would a Premium Pass for YouPron (I have no idea if such a thing exists, honest) take his mind off gaming?

It always amuses me when I hear people talking about their kids like this that when I was a kid I didn’t have an option what to do. If the family was going for a walk I went for a walk, going shopping? I went shopping!
I never even thought of complaining or even thinking it was possible to argue against it. Was never a negative thing, I just did what my parents told me to do or what they said was about to happen.
Makes me wonder why kids are given the choice nowadays, they don’t make good decisions left on their own.

GotAnyKids?

Sorry. I'll also answer your question. When I was a kid I was also dragged to garden centres national trust places music school, doing DiY, gentle rambles

I now loathe gentle rambles DIY, country houses, gardening.

I don't see any advantage in making my kid loathe MTBing. Hence I don't push too much, let him develop his own interests and only really push him to come along when there's a high chance of him enjoying it ( ie not in December)