What did the blanket say when it fell off the bed?
Awe! Sheet!
what is the difference between a dog and a fox?
5 pints of lager
a man walks in the marital bedroom with a sheep under his arm, he says "this is the pig I funk when you have a headache"
His wife looks up from the bed and replies sardonically "I think you'll find that, that is a sheep".
The man looks at her and says " I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep".
What's brown and rhymes with snoop?
Dr dre
The cops have finally come clean about the shooting of John charles de menez. They were after his troublesome little brother Dennis.
Went to the hospital today to have mole removed from my penis. RSPCA said i'd just get a warning this time!!
I saw my mate Charlie this morning, he's only got 1 arm bless him.
I shouted, "Where you off to Charlie?"
He said "I'm going to change a light bulb."
I laughed my head off and said that's gonna be a bit awkward ain't it?
"Not really" he said, "I've still got the receipt, you spiteful ****
Since it started snowing all my missus has done is look through the window and moan and shiver. If it gets any worse I'll have to let her in!
My mate's shagging twins who both like it up the rear, I asked how do you tell them apart? He said easy, Sally's got long blonde hair, and Derek's got a moustache...
DNA testing has just been completed on Osama's remains, they found some suprising results. In addition to what you'd normally expect to find in a human body, it turns out his remains had an additional 3.8g of protein, 58.8g of carbohydrate (of which sugars were 47.7g), 23.9g of Fat (of which saturates were 19.8g), 2.2g of Fibre and a trace of Sodium...
They're speculating that this was because he had a Bounty on his head...
me & the mrs were sitting in the living room and i said to her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug." So she unplugged the TV and threw out all my beer....