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for my LBS mechanic otherwise I won't get my bike back!
HELP!!
I went to the zoo today....and all they had was ONE dog.
.
.
It was a shihtzu.
(Well,I'm a mechanic and it makes me laff.)
Did you hear about the prawn that went to a disco?
It pulled a mussel
If its for a bike mechanic then try these....
'I've never jetwashed it'
'It broke when I was just riding along'
'My last one lasted 10 years'
'Of course it's warranty'
'It is new...I've only had it 2 years'
'It should only take you 10 minutes'
'Well it was'nt like that when I brought it in'
Although he may have heard all them before 🙄
Where did Noah keep the bees?
In archives.
why not try a really old one:
[b]An[/b] hilarious?
You mean [b]a[/b] hilarious.
Can be written as an...related to the pronunciation/sound of the word following 'an', iirc. Words beginning with 'h'...druidh - Member
An hilarious?You mean a hilarious.
Oh Druid, you are ilarious! 😀
Need more!!
Can be written as an...related to the pronunciation/sound of the word following 'an', iirc. Words beginning with 'h'...
You use 'an' if the proceeding word starts with a vowel sound (but not necessarily a vowel), and 'a' if it doesn't.
So it would be 'an hour' but 'a helicopter'.
On that basis, Druidh is correct (if pedantic).
Druidh is 'a' hilarious ......
Stems from the french where UIVMM the letter H is actually a vowel. It has obviously filtered into English over the years.
Also, Welsh makes a lot more sense once you know W is a vowel.
Druidh is 'a' hilarious .....
😆
Getting back on topic, I came up with this LOLtastic gag the other day:
What do you call a medical examiner who really likes Muller yoghurt? A fruit coroner.
🙄
Actually, have you seen [url= http://anti-joke.com/ ]Anti Joke[/url]? It takes classic joke setups but drops the punchline for a literal answer. Here are a few examples:
What's worse than finding a worm in your apple? The Holocaust.
Why did the boy drop his ice cream? Because he was hit by a bus.
What's sad about four black people in a Cadillac going over a cliff? They were my friends.
Your mother's so fat, she should probably be worried about the increased risk of cardiovascular disease.
Also has some pretty good 'Roses are red...' gags:
Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
I have a gun.
Get in the van.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I have Alzheimer's.
Cheese on toast.
why did popeye give moses as kicking?
'cos he went to mount olive
what do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A baboom
knock knock
who's there
control freak, now you say control freak who...
Ashfanman's winning!
Particle Physics gives me a Hadron
My snail wasn't doing very well in the race I entered him for, so I decided to remove his shell to see if it helped him speed up
>
>
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TNH - Just made him more sluggish
IGMC 😯
A policeman knocks at a door, and holding up a photo, asks "Is this your wife? It looks like she's been in a car accident"
I know, replies the husband, but she's got a great personality.
What do you call a fish with no eye
a fsh
(better if you say it)
Did you hear the one about anal sex? ...
.....I'm not telling you, it's fugging shit
I bought a dog off a blacksmith the other day.
When I got him home, he made a bolt for the door.
Did you hear about the magic tractor? It went down a hill and turned into a field.
What's E.T. short for? He's only got little legs.
Why did the baker have brown hands? Because he kneaded a poo.
I said to the butchers "I bet you can't reach that meat on the top shelf" He said "I won't take that bet, the steaks are too high"
Did you hear about the magic tractor?
It went down the lane and turned in to a field.
ph0010421
We have a winner!
I invested in an origami company recently....
...worst mistake of my life...
...it folded 😛
Velcro
What a rip- off!
Tazzy and his monkey joke is the only one that made me laugh out loud.
What do you call an irish double glazing salesman?
Paddy O'Doors.
What do you call a Mexican carpet layer?
Underlay Underlay!
What do you call a ****stani sprinter?
Imran.
Dunno who posted this originally;
Man goes home to his wife and says "I fancy a bit of role play tonight, how about we play rape" wife says "NO!", husband says " that's the spirit"
Two cows in a field
One went Moo
The other one went
You bastard, I was just about to say that
Two ducks on a pond
One went quack
Two pigs in a......
Q:how many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?
A:None
Watch out- shut down thread alert!!! 😯
Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place is absolutely packed to the rafters. In a bid to break the ice with his new audience, He asks if anyone would like him to play a request. A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his voice "Play a Jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!" Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's varied career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes. When he finishes the whole place goes wild.
The little old man jumps up again and shouts "No, no, play a Jazz chord, play a Jazz chord." A bit irritated by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is, dives straight into a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor chord and really tears the place apart. The crowd goes wild with this impromptu show of his technical expertise.
The little old man jumps up again. "No, no. Play a Jazz chord, play a jazz chord!" Well now truly irritated that this little guy doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability. Stevie says to him from the stage "OK, mister, you get up here and do it!" The little old man climbs up onto the stage, takes hold of the mike and starts to sing... "A jazz chord to say I ruv you..."
you have to stretch it out and pretend you aren't just a little bit racist.
Or there's the other classic Stevie gag:
Appearing on a live television chat show for the first time, the host asks Stevie he manages to cope with his blindness.
"Well, I'm not going to say it hasn't been tough, but, you know, it could be worse," he says with trademark humility and charm. "I could be black."
How can you tell an Irishman on an Oil rig?
He`s the one throwing bread at the helicopters...
Whats the loudest noise in the world?
Stevie Wonder answering the iron.
What kind of cheese can you use to hide a horse?
Mascarpone
Thanks, I'm outa here.
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Put it in a microwave until it 's Bill Withers
I got pulled over for speeding on the way here.
I was only doing about 85 and when the traffic cop asked me whether I thought it was safe I replied that it was a clear road with good visibility so was probably not the crime of the century.
He then asked me what I'd have done if mister fog had come down.
Patronising G1t I thought so I replied
"I'd probably have used mister brake"
His response - "Very funny sir what I actually said was what if mist or fog had come down".
IGMC
I also know another traffic policeman one but it's much ruder and is to do with stretching.
For the avoidance of doubt I have nothing against traffic policemen (or women) they do a very good and valuable job (actually a few more round here wouldn't go amiss) but they do make a good source of joke material.
What's brown and sounds like a bell
Dung
(from a Monty Python sketch I believe)
Whats worse than finding a worm in your apple?
Getting raped by a giant scorpion
Bloke driving down the motorway and gets stopped under a bridge by a copper with a speed camera. Bloke gets out and copper starts to patronise him, telling him off like a schoolkid. Asks him what he does for a living. Bloke says I'm an arsehole stretcher. Copper asks what that is. Well, he says, I start off with some lube, working a couple of fingers round and round until I can get a hand in. I then get two hands in and work it back and forth, round and round until it gets bigger and looser. Everntually when all the muscles are relaxed the arsehole ends up about 6 foot in diameter. And just what do you do with a 6 foot arsehole asks the copper. Stick him under a birdge with a speed camera replies the bloke 😀