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[url= http://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2012/feb/01/top-five-regrets-of-the-dying ]Top Five Regrets of The Dying[/url]
1. I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
2. I wish I hadn't worked so hard.
3. I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings.
4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.
5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.
A really interesting thread with some heartfelt replies. Despite being in a very unconventional career and in fact doing what I wanted to be doing when I was 12 years old, I find myself worrying that I've taken the wrong road. With responsibilities stacked up to the point that I couldn't just jack it in and study something else and a bit of degree-envy that I didn't get one when I could have as I was so focussed on doing this; all I seem to see is people flourishing around me. Windfalls, inheritances and life changing opportunities seem to be blessing all but me. People I used to pity for having soulless jobs are now hitting their stride and 'overtaking' me.
The internet doesn't help as everyone just paints a carefully marketed and branded version of themselves.
As for my life on the bike, well, work and responsibilities are biting harder this year and my immune system seems to be no match for the crap my young son infects us with.
I suppose what I'm trying to say is that modern life is heavily skewed towards making us unhappy with our lot. The answer comes by not trying to chase rainbows but by sticking two fingers up and doing it your way. Stuff always happens when you least expect it so just sit back, enjoy the ride and take the good and bad as they come.
I'm trying to take my own advice as we speak 🙂
[aldi advert voice]
[i]I like this.[/i]
“The primary cause of unhappiness is never the situation but thought about it. Be aware of the thoughts you are thinking. Separate them from the situation, which is always neutral. It is as it is.” - Eckhart Tolle
[i]I like this too.[/i]
get a dog, they're the best....and then adopt their attitude to life; if you cant play with it, eat it or hump it, walk away and find something else to do.
[/aldi advert voice]
Probably sounds like preaching but these nuggets really have helped me over the last few years:
You can't change the past, and don't own the future. You can change the present....
Working on from that...
Don't worry about the things you can't change or influence. Work out what you can change and sort those issues out. Many of life's more stressful concerns are those you have no control over. So it's futile worrying about them.
I've gone from being a complete stress bag to someone who enjoys every single day. Well, almost every day!
I've got mates who earn way more than I do, but aren't happy. Many of my achievements have gone unnoticed (might make a line in a history book one day) but I know I've achieved them. Leave the bragging to the braggarts and the cock fighting to the cocks!
P.S. My wife and many acquaintances think I'm a Peter Pan character as I'm motivated by getting out on bike, Surfing, dance music yet I've hit middle age. Well, that's their problem! I know I'll never be a thespian nor a Nobel prize winner, but who really cares??
Life for the most part is boredom, and occasionally suffering.
Problem is people in the West are told from an early age that it isn't.
Musterbation and how we disturb ourselves
Sorry things seem shit for you.
From an outsider looking in they probably aren't shit at all.
The human mind is a bastard and if you find you are bored then it wanders and the decay begins.
Riding/meditating (truly meditating) are god ways of finding a bit of release. This is going to be an anecdotal post as I suspect a lot of others are too.
My Dad took his life when I was 18, he was 46 and had a lifelong history of depression, with several attempts to leave it all behind. Cue knock on effect of my mental health issues including 3 attempted suicides. I absolutely do not think you are anywhere near that point.
Go see your GP by all means to get a counselling referral but also speak to MIND and cut out the middle man as the counseling referrals can take a long time to come through.
Will you have any luck/progression with CBT? Who knows; the prescribed books didn't work for me and I found them patronising and unrealistic.
You sound very similar to me in that you question why your mind goes to the negative side; mine does the same and always looks at the worse possible scenario.
There's nothing wrong with worrying about flights given the current situation with air disasters, it's only human.
There is no normal, it's bullshit. There is only you and your unique take.
Materialistic things are nice and pretty and shiny but amount to **** all when you die, it's just crap for your kids to sell.
Only you can decide what to make of each day, some days are easier and some aren't. Time still passes at the same rate so maybe the next one will be a bit better or a bit worse. The only person who can make a difference is you.
I've made some shit decisions and some great ones, I also have regrets about things I didn't do, but that's hindsight so hey ho.
Good luck, email is in on here if you search for my posts and want to talk about anything.
OP I get it too; perhaps, given the responses on here it's a modern day, middle age malaise?
There's lots of helpfulness and loads of types advice - some of which may work and some of which is anathema (well to me anyway)- as it reflects what I perceive to be the problem.
I think sometimes we all need a bit of a pep talk; you've put a roof over your family's head, food on the table, (hopefully) a family that love you (& yes it can be hard to see amongst the daily drudgery but they'd miss you if you weren't there). A couple of bikes & time to ride them = that's a pretty major achievement.
When I've had depression I've always found it's important to try and ignore the bad days, crawl through them and wait for a better days to come. I try and book something (MTB weekend away) to look forward to where I can de-stress.
And the Career Plan thing is a right PITA - it brings around a similar blue funk in me. 'Hold Fast' is my motto for the bad days - don't screw up what I've got due to a negative emotional cycle.
OP - 12 months ago I could have written your post; I was in a very similar situation and had also been on antidepressants 13 years before that failed to address the underlying self esteem issues.
The medication got me on a even keel and CBT also helped and I'm currently happier than I've been in years although I've still got the fear that it will still collapse around me one day when I get found out.
Good luck and remember that your life is great but you're just not able to realise that at the moment.
Turn on computer log in and stare at screen wondering what the next 10 years will be like.
Can you change jobs?
For me, since I spend the majority of my time at work, the job is critical. I've always been a software engineer but now I'm in a role where I mostly only do the part I love and have far less tedious shit to do. And I'm on a different project every few weeks/months. Being a consultant rather than a contractor has done wonders for my mental state. Plus my colleagues are a great bunch and relaxed.
But, as above - why aren't you already in (or working towards) the job you want? Self esteem or something else perhaps.
You need to find out what you want, then work out how to achieve it. Neither are easy.
Oh and re riding - not necessarily going to help. Personally when I'm miserable then making myself go riding can just be a chore. Mud, same old trails, bike giving me gip - doesn't make for a fun time. Depression (or just being miserable) makes everything look shit even when it's not 🙂
molgripsDepression (or just being miserable) makes everything look shit even when it's not
Never a truer word spoken.
Could be worth getting your Vit D level checked?
I just can't relax or understand how to be positive.
Maybe the assumption that you should be positive, and the nagging thought that you should be "progressing" at work, whereas you say you're kind of happy as you are, are contributing to the problem.
I found "The antidote" by Oliver Burkeman very interesting as it challenges a lot of the usual "positive thinking" mumbo-jumbo. Another issue which might be causing you grief is looking for certainty where there is none, versus learning to live with uncertainty. For example the fear of flying: if you try and "overcome" the fear with positive thinking that a crash definitely won't happen, it'll come back to bite you as, actually, you can't be certain of that. So one needs to accept uncertainty / doubt and live with it: this isn't easy but is more achievable than trying to create impossible levels of certainty / safety.
I wonder how many people who buy self-help books only buy one?
As apj says we are bombared with pressure to 'be positive' but really what's important is being realistic. There's some good stuff, and some shit, but you just need to enjoy the good and deal with the shit. You're allowed to be miserable and pissed off, but if it's all the time then you need to figure out why.
I'd like to thank you all and specifically shedbrewed and showerman for having the courage an making the effort to post your stories - truly heart wrenching, and a realisation that how lucky I am and perhaps how minor my "actual" problems really are - if they even exist.
I've basically done nothing today except read this thread, and google "mindfulness" and depression. A lot of what has been said - worrying about the future beyond now, the past, a reflection of myself to others is all true, and I can see I've wound myself in knots worrying about all kinds of stuff that shouldnt be an issue. I guess the problem now is that its become a habit.
I think your collective advice has shown me that I need to calm down, take everyday at a time and change my current habits, using some of the aforementioned resources to do so.
The wierdest thing happen this afternoon - I made a cup of tea. But I made it with no rushing to a meeting, conference call or any other time pressures and just sat and enjoyed it. I kinda lost myself blank in something as simple as a cup of tea for 20 minutes and do you know what, it felt good.
Thank you all for talking the time for me which has been so often gifted to other STW'ers when they've reached out.
we're all worm food in a few years
I find bearing that in mind reminds me life is sweet and to keep things in perspective
Glad you are feeling better. But don't try to cope with this on your own.
Your wife should be your closest ally and I am sure would want to help.
You would not want to think of her going through what you are alone.
Also you can slip into a gradually worsening depression without realising its extent and it sometimes takes someone else to make you realise how far from yourself you have slipped and help you realise you need help if and when it comes to it.
I'm not better. But maybe I've been show the directions toward the light at the end of the tunnel.
Have you ever tried any of those mood analysis website things ?
I have been doing some research on this kind of thing at work (in terms of data privacy issues) and there are some sites set up to help what they call the "sub clinical" population e.g people not quite needing medication/treatment but need some help with managing their mood.
You put in data about what you drank, how much exercise, how much sleep etc and rate how you feel each day and it can identify patterns. Might be helpful for some people ?
Big White Wall is another site that looked good - is moderated too and a safe place to talk to people with similar issues. If you are of an analytical bent...
A day in is a day of progress.
I don't mind talking about the bad shit at all, I'm quite open about it. Sometimes it's easier than others. I can't change anything that happened but that doesn't mean I don't grieve over it.
I'm also not a model to base things on; when things were very bad for me and I was on Prozac (didn't work for me) plodding through my 1st depression I was working on a farm, and it was a real struggle to get into work. Not because I didn't want to go, I knew I was better when occupied, but because each morning would be my body making me puke and suffer. The boss, and I had worked there a number of summers, said to me 'don't tell people you're depressed, it's not real, it's just a passing thing like a cold' So I bloodied his lip and walked out of the job.
Felt good at the time but shit after.
My point is try not to sweat the little things, including what others might do or say. Rise above it and don't let your mind niggle at the negatives as otherwise it will always find them.
OCD sufferer here. I currently have (And have had for a long while) CBT monthly and daily meds.
Both of the above have helped improve my life drastically, But nothing as much as being honest with myself and the people around me. Realising its nothing to be ashamed of and being open about it.
Being honest with a good friend also helped him massively as he was major depressed and hiding it from the world. Its amazing how many people this effects yet still not a talk about subject which would improve and save lives.
Lots of good replies, sorry If Im repeating anything!
Airsick, let me thank you for coming forward. Some people believe mental health isnt a form of illness, it is. Naturally, depression is a large part of that, especially in societies eyes. But there is so much more than that.
You're thinking is probably similar to a lot of people. Certainly, it outlined to me what I already know of myself. Relatively intelligent, logical, modest most times, mindful of others, introverted (thats assuming) and incredibly good at thinking. and thinking and thinking. Your senses are probably sponge-like, mine are. After a hard day I have to come home and relax with a monotonous task, generally by myself before I am ready again. Theres only so much you can take.
I put up a thread on here a few weeks ago about whether modern life was too good. On reflection and based upon replies, Im of mixed opinion. Its portrayed as not good enough without this new gadget or the toned body or the nice car. Media has a lot to answer for. And its easy to get sucked in. TV is good, but not for hours on end. Constant re-runs of Top Gear on Dave Im pretty sure is worse than alcohol for killing off brain cells.
I, like you, worry. I put this down to several things. Firstly, the sponge like brain takes in all the advertising, the nastiness, the busyness and lack of relaxing. We are in a time where our brains are racing from 7am to 11pm. And its addictive and comfortable to fall into that trap. Secondly, what our brain percieves to be happiness, isnt. We are relying upon what our eyes are seeing, what are brain is basing that sight on and then pulling up a memory to give what it thinks is a realistic answer. In a short form, Id say its too much external negativity that makes us think negatively.
I am going through similar to you. I have a good job and a career I enjoy, a family that are caring, little debt, a few good friends. But I long for more friends, acceptance of others, to be better than I am. I dont consider myself good looking (yet had no issues getting girlfriends) and I never consider myself interesting, stimulating or worthy yet can hold ongoing conversations for hours.
I havent resorted to CBT yet, or medication. I have been on and off with a counsellor for something I couldnt really get a grip of. I have narrowed it down to something which in itself can lead to depressionist thinking, perfectionism and an unfulfilling life. Now I have an diagnosis, I feel I can work on it move forward.
My advice is stop. Just stop. Turn off the TV, put down the magazine, shut off the laptop. Find a piece of quiet greenery, and go and sit wherever suits. I have sun, nobody else and time when I sit down in a field nearby.
Secondly, write down your traits and thinking. Dont hold back. Be as brutally honest as you can. Keep it, and refer back to it. Your idea of yourself will change, some days itll be worse and some better. Show it to your wife, ask for her honest opinion. She will tell you that some are correct and some are in your head. Maybe google some of them. Nothing wrong with exploring your ideas of yourself because I doubt you are the only one feeling that set of feelings. Get some clarity on what you are really feeling before you figure out what treatment is best.
If you ever need someone to rant to, talk about worries I am no counsellor but I will certainly listen. My email is in my profile if you ever need it.
Doug
PS sorry for the long reply!
deviants post sounds like it was written about me.
I've grown to not care if someone has something better than me, if someone earns more than me.
I work for myself, charge my students a reasonable fee and run the business the way it works for me. Other people in the same line of work are often going on " Simmy, charge more, bill em if they cancel " well what I do works for me so I'm not changing.
One guy I know is obsessed with money and I've never met a more miserable, angry, frustrated person and he does the same job as me.
Yeah I do care about the people who care about me and I've only one real friend, but worrying about other people doesn't interest me at all.
I've not always been this way and I have bad days were I feel really anxious, but that's just human nature. I'm not religious, but we have these feelings as human beings and learning to understand them is a great help.
That should not read as being callous, but getting an understanding of emotions / feelings can help you manage them,
Good luck OP, there are brighter days out there.
It's like morrisey's stag do on here! cheer up chaps it may never happen
Don't dis mozza - he was well ahead of the game
OP - bookmark/record the stuff on here you've appreciated and use it as a reality check when you're struggling.
Go on a few days bike touring if you can - no worries but the next meal and where to sleep - really therapeutic
@Airsick9 if theres £8 you should invest its on this from Amazon UK
http://www.amazon.com/Guide-Rational-Living-Albert-Ellis/dp/0879800429/ref=cm_cr_pr_pb_t
Even for those without any issues per se, its a great slap in the face book to put things in perspective and allow proper rational thinking. Check out some of the reviews.
Hi Airsick
I know exactly what you're going through it's not nice but I can tell you it is entirely manageable. I am also not a doctor so feel free to disregard this entire post but am dealing with a situation almost identical to your own. Speak with your GP as soon as you can because this sounds like textbook depression to me, you [b]_ARE_NOT_[/b] wasting anyones time by doing this.
After 15 years of living with it I took the decision to medicate which, I appreciate, isn't for everyone but I'd tried CBT, relaxation, self help books etc with mixed non permanent results. I ended up reasoning that none of this would address the fundemental lack of happy chemicals in my brain, hence my decision.
A couple of things I found useful to bear in mind
- Depression is not caused by anything, it just happens. Tell yourself this every time you think I have nothing to be depressed about.
- You do not deserve to feel like this despite what you are telling yourself. You are not a bad person.
- Taking medicine to make you better is no different to having an inhaler or wearing gegs to see.
- Cycling is fantastic and can really help but isn't a lot of use if you can't get off your living room floor.
- The voices telling you that no one cares about how you're feeling and that you'd be wasting the doctors time belong to the depression and do not reflect reality (you may not be able to see this but it's true)
- Cut back on alcohol / non prescription 'medication', I did very extensive research in this area and none of it helped (nothing implied here).
See if you can get hold of Marcus Trescothick's book, I forget what it's called, it's a good read and helped me.
Keep venting and get help, please
Re Hels' suggestion for a mood tracker, try [url= https://www.moodscope.com/ ]Moodscope[/url]
It helps just to sit at the beginning or end of the day (best to do it at the same time each day) and think about your mood and how you feel. Over time as the graph rises and falls you'll notice patterns. For me, boosters are getting plenty of sleep, eating well, getting outside, exercise, time spent with friends having great conversations. Mood droppers are very clearly: more than a couple of pints of beer, lack of sleep, eating badly.
It doesn't change your life instantly but helps give you a more dispassionate and analytical view of your moods which helps you promote the circumstances for good moods and avoid the circumstances that lead to bad moods. In that respect, it really helps you feel like you have some control, which is a real strength.
But the feelings of negativity and paranoia still return, which in itself is illogical.
It's not "illogical": healthy non-smokers get lung-cancer.
A quote that cropped up with regard to Robin Williams:
Saying "What have you got to be depressed about?" is as daft as saying "What have you got to be diabetic about?"
I kinda lost myself blank in something as simple as a cup of tea for 20 minutes and do you know what, it felt good.
Doing stuff like that is an essential part of my life. I absolutely need to have time spent immersed in something simple (or nothing) otherwise I end up like you 🙂