[Closed] Fed up with (my own?) life's BS...

For a start...Just get out and ride

Is poor self-esteem at the root of this?

For a start...Just get out and ride

Amen.

first, you are depressed, IANAD but just re read that ^.
how you deal with that is up to you, but you are depressed

second, those folk you see enjoy the moment, work to live, yadda yadda yadda, you have no idea what their life is really like, you at best might see a few percent, dont assume that projected public persona is the whole truth - it only makes you feel somehow worth less and....... spotting the trend here.

third, wot jontykint sed.

I can't offer any better advice than jontykint above, whenever I feel stuff closing in on me I'll grab a bike and pedal for a while. I've found BMX is great at focussing the mind away from life's pressures at the moment, short blasts of flat out pedalling, but any type of bike works for me.

Others on this forum I'm sure will offer more productive support. It sounds like you've been through this before, so hang in there I'm sure you'll come through the other side.

Keep posting, venting here is a good start!

Steve

Actually, riding a bike is not always the answer. The priority is to deal with this issue.

In a Nutshell... Sounds like you think too much and read too much into things that arent there. Also sounds like you worry too much about shit beyond your control. Life is short.. dont waste time worrying about work. Dont really have answers for you except dont waste time and energy on stuff that doesnt really matter (work) but cherish the time with loved ones and try and enjoy it.

When I feel sad, I look at samoyeds:

[img] [/img]

...and drink.

I have a well paid job, great family and a couple of bikes.

airsick9 3 - 0 Jamie

Actually, riding a bike is not always the answer.

Correct. Alcohol is another option.

Sounds familiar. Some thoughts for you that made me think...

Work doesn't define you

What is the rush you have (depending on age) 30+ years of work to go

If you found out you had cancer tomorrow would you be more upset about not getting in the board room or the fact you won't see your kids grow up?

This year I am currently enjoying a slight lull in focusing on career after bashing my head against the glass ceiling for the last couple of years. Still doing a good job but also I'm getting loads of riding in, and seriously considering having a competitive go at next seasons local xc series.

My chimp (Charlie) says hi 🙂

You've achieved a wonderful family that you care for deeply - that's a huge achievement. It's normal to worry about things, every parent worries about things happening to their kids, it's hard with today's saturation media coverage but you have to remember that bad things are very, very unlikely to happen.

I thought it was bad that I couldn't easily make lots of friends too, then I worked out that I'm just an introvert. It's not a bad thing unless you make it one.

With work, you need to make yourself happy, not your employer. I don't know what job you're in, but in many jobs an employee who is happy just cracking on with what they do and isn't interested in climbing the greasy pole would be an asset.

Have you told your wife any of the above, speak to people who love you and see your GP.
I think you need professional help along with support and reassurance from your loved ones.

Hope you get yourself sorted out, your not alone.

When you are back from riding revisit CBT.

What doesn't help is I am relatively intelligent and a logical thinker. When receiving advice this translates into a positive verbal response. Eg - yes I understand my family is my primary focus and work is less important. Yes, I could - and do - go for a ride to clear my head.

But the feelings of negativity and paranoia still return, which in itself is illogical. It's like hammering away at a drum with no skin and expecting a percussion based symphony. Sometimes I want to bang my own head in frustration with myself.

honestly I've no idea what I want to do in five years but It seems that is impossible to be able to say "I'm happy just doing what I do now, thanks".

Ask yourself if you are in the correct job(career)

Actually, riding a bike is not always the answer.

No, but I've found answers while on my bike, OP may do the same

I took a quick read of your thread, went off to answer an email and came back - and was amazed at how many replies have come in!

Which tells you a heck of a lot of people are feeling like you are at the moment.

I did my first CBT sessions about 7 years ago. I realised then that they wouldn't be my last - and I still go back to the same therapist when I think I need to. Accepting that the underlying issues are probably always going to need careful watching is actually quite a release...

I'd love to be one of those people able to switch off and enjoy the moment, work to live and so on. I just can't relax or understand how to be positive.

If I were your therapist I'd ask you why you have this expectation of yourself. It's pretty unreasonable and somewhat perfectionist. No-one's like that really, just some people give the impression they are.

When you start looking into meditation and yoga - ancient arts developed over thousands of years, you realise the human condition is deeply flawed and all humans are just like you to some degree or other, struggling with their own internal selves and thought processes.

When my head gets where yours seems to be at, I get onto my GP, get back to the therapist, get out and ride my bike more, write a list of things that make me happy and do 3 of them every day, get back into taking yoga classes and read one of my books on meditation/self help.

Sounds to me like you're just a normal human being tbh!

Your situation has nothing to do with the way your are feeling.

By your own admission your situation is better than many others, I don't know you but if you are suffering with depression it would not matter if you had 10 million pounds in the bank and a successfull business.

Tell your wife how you feel and get help, if you have had to deal with this before and come throught it before, you will again.

After you have finished work tomorrow and the wife and kids are in the room with you, sit back ,look what is in front of you and smile. You have the only thing that really maters in life. a loving family.

I have no words of wisdom but you are certainly not a lone.

I've been setting targets for years, there mostly nonsense as is all the worky stuff your worrying about. Get out and have fun, life's a hoot then you die, simple really!

My mind races at light speeds some times.
I need to concentrate 100% on things to stop it. Fast single track tends to focus the mind or you fall off and bust something worth a try. Oh and helping people lots worse off than you . Might work you never know

Sounds familiar to me unfortunately

I put a lot of mine down to constantly being skint and not feeling like I am achieving anything or there is any way forward

You sound like you've achieved a great deal so far, decent job and a family are no mean feat and you should be proud of that

Ride more and talk to someone about how you are feeling

You obviously think a lot about everything so talking to someone who can help would be a good start

I'm happy doing what I do now. You said it. Bullocks to worrying about the 5 year plan. I am the same as you as that I find it hard to think of my life that far ahead and it drives my wife mad. Stop thinking so hard on a future you can't predict and scares you to contemplate. Keep being happy in the now and understand with a little help life works itself out.

Thanks for the advice.

I've woken up this morning in a well, bullish mood but in the wrong way. Right now I'd be happy to tell anyone to go **** themselves and this is where I'm at my worse - I don't have a middle ground and can never find the right path. I understand what trekster said about the work situation but can't articulate that - going around and around trying to justify like that I can't do politely when really I just want to tell them to leave me alone. Can't I just turn up, get on with stuff and go home?

Didn't sleep well last night, and I'm having to work from home today which is the worse scenario as I can't be bothered to actually do anything constructive. Turn on computer log in and stare at screen wondering what the next 10 years will be like.

It strikes me that what you are lacking is inspiration.
You need something new to look forward to.
I've got a similar character type (I think many on this forum do).
I've tried the medication, counselling, CBT they are ok, but the only thing that gets me out of a slump is a PROSPECT to look forward to.
For me, that usually entails starting a new company (I'm on my fourth) - never made me a rich man (so far) but the start-up stage makes me look at life very differently. Other people do this through hobbies - like restoring an old motorbike.

Having seen a number of examples in friends and family over the last while, if this isn't depression, it looks like a fair step towards it. Please go and get professional help for this. There's nothing wrong in doing so- loads of people do.

A lot of what's suggested here- a project, riding the bike- help, but don't deal with the underlying problem. You won't be much fun either at work or at home if it really takes hold.

Life coaching has a good technique: expressing gratitude for what you think is good in your life.

Not in a "things are good, get on with it" way, but helping make you look at your life positively by seeing what is good in it rather than focus on what is missing.

all i have ever wanted to do is go to work do my stuff and go home. at home i ride my bikes watch tv sit around and eat or what ever its my time.
2.5 yrs ago got cancer then 8 months ago it went terminal. still go to work ride bikes sit around and eat stuff nothings changed. life is what it is.
last friday while getting ready for the yearly trip to morzine was rushed to hospital where i am today while my mates are in france. while the weather is great and sunny in milton keynes its tipping it down in france with very little riding.
life is a roller coaster you just have to keep looking ahead see the lows when they are coming and try and ease the pain , if you cannot do it yourself seek help, stay as far away from alcohol and enjoy what you have life is short .
as for me im waitng to be set free from my bed so i can get out and ride in this sunshine and book another holiday
GOOD LUCK

Your post has hit a chord with me as it's exactly how I feel. I'm beginning to realise that I have to actively recognise the signals and turn them off to forget them and slowdown my thinking. I'll think through situations that have t even happened yet which drives me insane.

I've read the OP and skimmed some of the responses. To me it reads like you are suffering from an anxiety based depression.Again IANAD but suffer/did suffer from anxiety based depression. CBT focussing on mindfulness was a real game changer for me. It sounds like you are similar to me, ie a thinker.....I used to think (lol) that having a head full of thoughts was a good thing, one of my strengths if you like. After 12 months of CBT I now realise that it isincredibly tiring and only occasionally a good thing.....it leads you to question basically everything in your life-like you say, you have a good job, family etc....recently it lead to me questioning my marriage....it wasn't 100% down to 'mental health issues' but they were a huge contributing factor.

My personal advice would be to get to the doctors and sort some more CBT out. Like you say, you suffered before.....history suggests a huge amount of people with mental health problems will suffer again in their life. 🙁

More than that, I've got paranoid about what people are thinking, so for example I'm constantly of the opinion that when I'm not at work where I hold a senior position under what I consider to be a glass ceiling, perhaps self imposed,

Radio 4 had some hour long programmes on Albert Ellis recently, and rated REBT very highly.

4:58 minutes on 'Ego Aniexty and the dire need for approval' worth a watch/listen... particularly based on the OP.

Go find a book on mindfulness.

Kinda resonates with me a bit. I'm a born worrier, and as most know because of that very indecisive. The vid above about ego anxiety struck an immediate cord. I find the sports analogy appropriate; Amongst my cycling peers I don't believe I perform very well, so I worry about people thinking I'm pretty useless on a bike.

I rolled I to the ridelondon100 in an ambivalent fashion and ride it in 4.25. Close to the bottom of my clubs finishing list and I felt pretty bad that I'd allowed my mentality to make me so lacsidasical, especially as I rode for charity. However, without even trying I finished waaaaaaaay in front of many.

I'm sure your the same - what you have without trying is what many would covet - a decent job / wage and a loving family to boot. Personally I work best under pressure - maybe do something new or outside your comfort zone as suggested, get excited, then come home and appreciate what you have around you that is just there.

Me, I've entered a club TT alongside some incredible riders. I'm pretty sure I'll be very low down on the time sheet, but it gives me a reason to exercise and focus on something. At least I will have tried. One of our club members uses the motto "better to have raced and lost than to have never raced at all"

One more thing, one of my friend contacted me last night to say his wife and he had separated. They have 2 young kids. I asked way - she was having an affair. When my wife and I talked about this our mutual conclusion is that when we look around ourselves at our kids, house and material object, would we really be prepared to just throw all that away?

Bit of a jumble as I'm not do clever I'm this dept myself but take from that what you will. Oh and have a read of "The power of accepting yourself" (short and easy) and the Power of Now (longer and a bit deeper).

You're not still riding 26in wheels.....are you!?

Hang in there fella your not alone !!!

I was in a similar boat a few weeks ago (thanks to STW forum for helping!) and wanted to quit my job because I was bored and not challenged and it was getting me down. I wrongly thought it was work etc.. that was getting me down and I needed to change to a job that did motivate me. Turns out, STW forum was correct, I was making myself bored and unchallenged, and would do the same at any job.

I'm working very hard at caring less about work. Show up, put in 8 hours of "acceptable" work, then go home to my wife and bikes and forget about work. Give it a go.

Robin Williams killed himself yesterday suffering depression. I'm sure he would be classed by many as succesful, relatively rich, yet he was apparently depressed enough to kill himself.

Sad but it shows you that even with more success and wealth it isnt usually the answer. He was also a bike rider.

Bike riding is indeed good for mental health, many of us probably use it to calm minds, answer questions, vent frustration or whatever. I certainly use it to give myself a quiet blank page in my head. A solo hour commute usually works very well.

Firstly accept that we are all by and large doing this, its just that negativity has dominance in your head today. Acceptance of this is a good first step. Then Ride. Tell you nearest and dearest, this will help. Then look to GP/CBT for professional help to learn how to cope with this for the rest of your life. negativity is in all of us. the ability to manage it is in almost all of us, you've just lost a bit the management skill.

What's exaggerated this is that I've been asked to create a "career plan" at work - honestly I've no idea what I want to do in five years but It seems that is impossible to be able to say "I'm happy just doing what I do now, thanks".although the implication of not being able to have a plan, is that such an employee wouldn't be wanted.

My boss asked me to do one of these, so I did. And I told him I had no plan!

It doesn't need to be a full on road map style plan with milestones and goals, the only really nececary information was a lost of the tasks I currenlty enjoy and the ones (and relavent training) I wanted to do. All they want to know is that they're pushing you in the right direction rather than the wrong one. It's not going to get you or your colleague a promotion just because your plans says it, they'll still make that decision on merit, the plan's just so they know in advance that you want it i.e. they dont promote you into sales when you really wanted promoting into a technical role.

If you look deeper, you'll surely find that your life is more fed up with your own thinking.

“The primary cause of unhappiness is never the situation but thought about it. Be aware of the thoughts you are thinking. Separate them from the situation, which is always neutral. It is as it is.” - Eckhart Tolle

And yes, ride!

THe thing about depression is that, like all mental health issues, people see it as different to other health.

If you broke your toe, you'd go to the hospital. Same with the mind - if you're feeling depressed, or struggling in some other way, go see someone, and get it fixed.

Bike riding is like meditation for me, I think about nothing for a few hours (except stuff like"don't crash into that tree"), it clears my mind and makes me relax - but ultimately, that's treating symptoms, not the cause. Seeing someone can help work out the deeper issues, and give you the tools to cope.

airsick9 - Member
Infrequent poster here but for reasons about to become obvious, I'd like to remain anonymous (apologies mods).

So, I'm living in a cloud of doubt which is making me feel like my life is and will be quite miserable. I find it very hard to be particularly happy with anything - life, work my own achievements. More than that, I've got paranoid about what people are thinking, so for example I'm constantly of the opinion that when I'm not at work where I hold a senior position under what I consider to be a glass ceiling, perhaps self imposed, I'm missing opportunities and people are advancing above me or I'm losing the opportunity to advance / be noticed. Therefore I can't enjoy any downtime.

Thing is, I have a well paid job, great family and a couple of bikes. But I don't see that I've achieved much, or can't take refuge in that enough to enjoy myself as I'm worried to death about other stuff - no matter who tells me I've a decent life I can't accept it so I'm dragging myself down I think. I worry about going on holiday with the current plane issues, I worry about not doing the right thing for my kids, I worry when my wife and kids are out in the car in case anything bad happens, can't make friends as I believe I have a negative personality which people wouldn't want to associate with. What's exaggerated this is that I've been asked to create a "career plan" at work - honestly I've no idea what I want to do in five years but It seems that is impossible to be able to say "I'm happy just doing what I do now, thanks".although the implication of not being able to have a plan, is that such an employee wouldn't be wanted.

I realise now this is going to lead to a miserable existence, I've watched a few threads, read stuff about inner chimps, meditation, I've had CBT in the past also. I went through a bout of medicated depression in 2001 and have been "normal" ever since. Well except for what I'm expressing now.

So, what to do? I'd love to be one of those people able to switch off and enjoy the moment, work to live and so on. I just can't relax or understand how to be positive.

Sorry for the ramble.

Yeah, feel like this a lot.

I'm of the opinion its not actually a problem with me but more with modern life where you have been conditioned to constantly want what you dont have, always feel you have to compare yourself to others who have 'achieved' more than you, always feel pressured into being the life and soul of the party etc etc or heaven forbid get labelled as boring.

I decided a few years ago to see work as merely something that paid me a salary that allowed me to do the things i really enjoy.
Thats not to say i dont enjoy work, i put in enough effort to get the odd pay rise every few years but i'm not career orientated....i laugh at the idea of a 5 year plan.

I decided i didnt really like cars and that keeping up with the Jones's and spending good money on nice cars i had no interest in was pointless....now i drive a crappy, dented on all panels Hyundai which doubles up as bike and dog carrier....oh yeah, get a dog, they're the best....and then adopt their attitude to life; if you cant play with it, eat it or hump it, walk away and find something else to do.

Ride more, go to a gym, join a squash league etc etc....exercise is good, feeling like some kind of social outcast because you didnt follow 'Breaking Bad' is wrong and people whose lives revolve around TV are actually the ones to be pitied.

Stop following fashion...pointless, get a collection of clothes you like and enjoy wearing and leave it at that.

Foster a better relationship with your family, they are more important than any work colleagues and most friends.

Stop reading newspapers and watching the news....seriously, its mostly crap anyway....by all means take a passing interest but avidly following current affairs will give you a tainted view of the world where everything seems so much worse than it is.

Remember, we're not here for a long time, we're here for a good time....its actually quite easy to opt out of all the bulls*it, just takes some initial effort and a slightly thick skin because you will get comments from colleagues and friends because you havent holidayed in the latest fashionable area or you've been driving the same car for 5 years now (dont you hate those pricks that start a conversation with; so what are you driving right now?)....

Be generous to those around you, it will make you feel good, you honestly cant take it with you....i work as a Paramedic and have seen more than enough people on their deathbed in lovely houses and with money in the bank and they have all without exception had regrets of some kind and its never to do with career decisions or financial matters, they'd swap it all for extra time with a parent they never made up with or for another week with the grandchildren.

There's loads more that i'm sure others will touch on but basically take some time to find out what makes you happy and then reject everything else you dont enjoy because ultimately why on earth would you go through life doing stuff you hate?....once you work that out things will be far easier.

You sound like you are at a similar point in your life/career to me. The stuff about well-paid but still below glass ceiling and feeling a kind of peer pressure resonates a bit with me.

You just have to look at what you do have IMO. I found out at the weekend that an old friend of mine is moving 'back' from London soon. He's just been made a director of a subsidiary part of a well known bank and is probably on at least £150k (probably much more, but I've got no real idea). He's bought a big new show home in a village nearby - probably for cash. We both have two kids, but his missus doesn't have to work. So for a few minutes I had the old "I was better at school academically, so I must be letting myself down" thing going on.

But then the 'other side' to the argument presented itself. Not in a nasty way, but in a comparative way.

1) He's going to have to commute to London each day to keep his salary (about 4 hours commuting a day if I am right - assuming he can do 9 to 5). I mostly manage 9 to 5 by working really hard and I live ten minutes away.

2) I ride mountain bikes for a hobby - he probably won't have the time/energy to do the same.

3) I actually prefer the village that I live in.

So, all in all, I would say I have the better quality of life. This may not be true when he retires at 45 and I'm left working, but hey, that's a long way down the track.

Focus on what you do have, and make the most of it. Your contemporaries may be taking stacks of work home with them and doing it until they go to bed. You may have more spare time than that - so try not to waste it by feeling bad!

Anxiety, the bane of modern man.