If the mists clear you can sometimes catch a glimpse of Singletrack Towers sitting menacingly on a hill overlooking the Calderdale Valley. The valley folk are people of simple pleasures such as hipster beer quaffing, yogurt weaving, and sustainable free love tantric vegan drum circles. They are unsure what actually happens behind the heavy closed doors at Singletrack Towers, but have decided not to disturb the work of those within… other than the annual “Angry Mob, Burning Torches & Pitch Fork Festival”, held once a year as yet another excuse for “Stinky Towpath Tim” to play MC5 tunes on his banjo whittled from marsh reeds, and strung with his own downstairs body hair.
However if you were to snatch a peek beyond the Singletrack fortress, sneak past Jess the killer mini hound and slink down the worn granite steps into the dark basement, you will find the Singletrack Merch laboratory and Charlie. Once the most glorious Bikemonger to ever grace God’s grey earth, but now a dirtbag sloppy imitation of a hairy monk dedicating his life to delivering awesome products to mountain bikers.
Charlie is seated at the table in the laboratory of the Utility Merch Research Kitchen. Reaching for an oversized titanium hip flask, he swigs heartedly and gathers forth an intimate quantity of dried clunker remnants, and proceeds to dump these inside his bamboo coffee cup… He turns to us and speaks:
WOO AND INDEED HOO!!! Hey hey Singletrack folk. Charlie here, and welcome to my dungeon of merch and the annual “oh cra@p, how did Christmas sneak up so quickly” run down of arse saving, relationship saving, and let’s not forget money saving xmas gifts.
It’s never not too late, but…
I will be posting everything out, every single day, leading up to Christmas. From Monday 16th every parcel gets upgraded to first class at no extra cost. The last posting scene is midday Thursday 19th December. But if you are super slack and miss that, go for a Singletrack Digital Subscription, as that will be delivered almost instantly via the interwebs.
The best seller this season is the awesome Cycle of Good belt, made in Malawi, by very very poor people, but not children. Meanwhile the award for most begrudgingly impressed review goes to…
“Got one of these as a make weight (so to speak) to qualify for a free hip flask. To be honest, I had fairly low expectations. I mean it’s a belt made from inner tubes right? How good can it be..
How wrong can you be? It turns out, very! Fantastic belt, solid, good looking, robust. So happy I’m going to buy another one. Quite simply it’d be value at twice the price. The best value £25 belt you can buy, bar none.”
Got Your Arse Covered!
Singletrack Salvation chamois cream, is an awesome vegan arse cream for slapping around your intimate bits for a happier ride. It’s not made from vegans, but maybe… there are a lot of vegans round the valley. Also doubles up as lip balm, BUT DON’T DOUBLE DIP.
The Singletrack hats now come with a special non-unique safety feature, very much like a MIPs system on a helmet. Our hats now feature what experts refer to as a “Bobble”, and have been designed to detect low ceilings in strange old rural pubs. This means that you are not only significantly less likely to hit your head on a beam and spill your drink, but also being conscious has been proven to aid the prevention of abduction by angry village folk.
Our recreational strength “Deadline Brew” coffee is rather remarkable. Several people have remarked on it. Some of those people jabbered on for hours. So this really is the perfect xmas product if you have to hold long conversations with random relatives this festive season. A cup of this bitching brew and you can chat to infinity and beyond. A cup day helps you work, rest and play, But not the rest bit.
Singletrack Black IPA
Like a normal IPA but darker. Singletrack Black IPA is fine flowy ale, deep black in colour with super citrusy floral aromas, and finally a massive hop mouth feel. Some folk have described the aftertaste as “glory in my mouth”.
and lots more…
Have a great Christmas, don’t be a dick, and avoid the rickets on your way out.