Just to add a bit of perspective, as a funeral director I've attended / conducted over 2500 funeral over the last few years.
I have never been to a service where a small child or baby caused any noticable issues or problems at a service.
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Young children at funerals
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Posted 11 months ago #
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my son will be at my brothers memorial service next week, I hope a load of other kids will be there, I'll be in bits again no doubt but the kids will help. I'll leave it there as this isnt the time or place to have a discussion about what I think is right or wrong. the choices are for the OP to make and depend on his views.
Posted 11 months ago # -
Yep - they will be there afterwards without question.
Posted 11 months ago # -
I usually find young children from within the family are a welcome distraction and a very important part of the family unit. I wouldn't hesitate to take them.
I have a nephew who is 13 now, he must have gone to about five funerals pre school and he always had a good time at the tea and was a magnate and ice breaker for other people to talk to the direct family.
Posted 11 months ago # -
AA +1
Kids are pretty resilient, in our family they have always attended funerals. It is part of life's cycle and their presence helps in my view and will do no damage whatsoever and dealing with their questions may help you come to terms with your grief.
If your mother would have wanted them there that is even more reason, but if in reality, it is for your comfort then go with it too, there is nothing wrong being slightly self-centred when you have lost a parent. Your kids will have moved on in no time.
Posted 11 months ago # -
We took our the 3 yr old and an 18 month old to my Gran's Funeral - it felt the right thing to do at the time and more so now. Was a very important time to be together as a family. Broke the ice somewhat at the wake too.
Good luck with whatever you decide.
Posted 11 months ago # -
Took my 4 and 6y old girls to their Grans funeral last year
Ex-wife didnt want them to come and her rellies told me children werent welcome
But it was my turn to have them for the day so my rules were enforced!The thing is I knew Gran would have wanted them to be there and when I asked the kids they said they wanted to go too
So I took them and faced all manner of vitriol from the family
Which was nice
But then amazingly half way through the afternoon the bro-in-law came up to me and said he wished he had brought his own kids but like me had been told not to and wished hed been pig headed enough to do his own thing - he is my ex's sisters bloke so not blood relative like me
And to cap it all when it was home time just about every member of the family came to find me to thank me for being a stubborn b4stard as the kids behaved perfectly appropriately and that it was "what Gran would have wanted"
Posted 11 months ago # -
Difficult decision - no right answer.
So far I've managed to get to the age of 45 without ever having been to a funeral. I don't feel I've missed out on anything.
Posted 11 months ago # -
he's said that lots of people haven't met them - they will want to, I can guarantee.
That's all well and good, but as I said, it's just one day. It's a funeral, not show and tell. I'm not disagreeing with taking with them per sé; I just don't agree that MF should feel obliged to. Ie, if people want to see your kids then it might be nice to take them, but alternatively there's 364 other days in the year and, indeed, the rest of their lives to do it. (And arguably, if it was that important to them then they'd have made an effort at some point in the last two years.)
You do, when you get involved with kids and stuff. And especially so on this sad day.This, on the other hand, makes more sense to me. "It's a sad day, but hey, the kids are lovely."
Posted 11 months ago # -
As an extension to that,
I've always felt that a funeral should be a celebration of their life rather than a mourning of their passing. Certainly that's how I'd want mine to be.
Posted 11 months ago # -
Mrs FD Grandmother died a couple of months ago. We took our 13 month old son to the Church and Wake (first checking that her Grandad was ok with that).
On the day I think it helped her Grandad and was a welcome distraction.
However, Mrs FD hadnt really had the chance to greive before the day and it all came out as soon as she got to the church. I think Jnr FD found it quite upsetting that his mum was upset. Mrs FD couldnt also cope with her grief and looking after Junior FD so I ended up taking him outside, which meant I missed the service and couldnt support Mrs FD.
I dont think their is any right or wrong answer, I think you just have to decide for yourself if you want your children there, and I dont think that has anything to do with it being to scary for kids etc etc.
Posted 11 months ago # -
Anyway, my wife doesn't think they should go as it is a sad place to be and not one for children.
Firstly, you have my sympathies for such a loss. Secondly, actually funerals aren't really as sad as you might imagine. For many it is quite a cathartic experience an sometimes the feel quite elated, and positive, celebratory of the life that has passed. In my experience, children add an important dimension to funerals and such. They help to illustrate that life moves on, and that the next generation are a continuation of the last. For me, when i look at my kids, I don't wonder about where my father has gone, I see his 'spirit' or influence so clearly in them, he lives on, through his influence on those that were around him there is a little bit of who he was, in me and also in them. Take them along, they and you are all part of the same One.
Posted 11 months ago # -
And arguably, if it was that important to them then they'd have made an effort at some point in the last two years.
I am talking aging old ladies who were cousins of my mum - and traveling quite far to get there - it isn't like they are immediate family.Secondly, actually funerals aren't really as sad as you might imagine.
Yeah - see my OP - my dad died 2.5 years ago so I know what to expect. Unfortunately.
Posted 11 months ago # -
mastiles_fanylion - Member
Hmmm, thanks for all the feedback.
I guess not attending the service but going to the wake/celebration is a compromise I could make. But I do think mum would want them there and that is why I want to take them. Certainly not for me or others - just for my mum.
If thats the truth then it is the trump card. Its about your mother and what she would have wanted.
Posted 11 months ago # -
Yeah but I have to consider my wife's thoughts too - she is their mum and has a say in what they do and I am not the sort of person to 'tell' her what I am going to do. Which is probably why I asked the question in the first place - to see if I was being odd wanting them there.
Posted 11 months ago # -
Most of my Grandparent's died when my sister and I were preschool or primary school. We were never allowed to go to the funeral, dispite hardly being the kind of kids to cause a ruckus, and I grew up feeling I'd never really been allowed to say good bye.
Posted 11 months ago # -
Sorry for your loss, must be a tough time. I have only read your original post so might be repeating something here but for me I'd take them.
I've been at funerals where youngsters have been and they've been uplifting for everyone else if anything. I've heard something said along the lines of 'It's alright mummy, grandma's in heaven now'. Kids are resillient and full of hope. Depends on your little uns characters but I'd probably take them, they'll not comprehend the significance enough for it to get them upset.
Posted 11 months ago # -
When my partner's Grandad died 5 years ago we didn't take our daughter, who was three.
I did want to at first but my partner said no and i'm glad we didn't as I think seeing her Papa's coffin would have been upsetting for her.
When we told her he had died she was devastated. I was suprised how bad she took it at three-and-a-half years old. Perhaps at 2 years they won't know as much.
What we did do, was buy our daughter a teddy bear the day we told her and told her that was 'Papa Bear'. She is 8 now and still takes Papa Bear to bed with her and won't let us wash him or anything! His dog died a few months after him and Papa Bear got a little dog teddy to go with him - Papa and Frisky
and her way of dealing with it was for us to tell her that Papa has a special glass in the sky with which he can look down and see her.We take our daughter to Papa's 'memory place' a couple of times a year and we talk about him quite a lot. She has a picture of him beside here bed and a picture of her with the wee dog, Frisky, and her memory of him is very, very good.
She wrote him a letter a few months ago when my son was born to tell him all about the new Baby. She can talk about him, and could do within a few months of his death, without getting upset. Papa Bear definitely helped this.
However, don't ask me about the time Papa Bear and Frisky went AWOL in McDonalds in the Vendee a couple of years ago!!! Thankfully some kind French lads handed him in
Not sure about the point of me rambling like this! Just perhaps trying to tell you something positive about my experience of this I suppose.
Ultimately though, don't put added pressure on yourself by saying your Mum would have wanted them there because if it turns out you don't take them you'll end up making yourself feel guilty. You won't be letting your Mum down at all if you decide it is for the best if they just come afterwards. I'm sure your Mum would understand you are doing what you think is best for your children.
Peace
Posted 11 months ago # -
Sorry about your mum m-f. In your position I'd take them but ensure that someone else could care for them if it got too much for you. Whatever you decide your mum character and life experiences will live on in them.
Posted 11 months ago # -
Papa Bear got a little dog teddy to go with him
That's a nice touch
Posted 11 months ago # -
Meant to add. My parents always 'shielded' me from Funerals, although all close family died before I was too young to remember them.
However the first funeral I went to was my 1 surviving Grandma 1 year ago at the age of 36! I was very nervous before it, not knowing what to expect, or knowing how I would feel.
I wish I had gone to funerals when I was younger...
Posted 11 months ago # -
I was none when my Dad died so a fair bit older. My Mum in particular I think tried to protect me by not letting me go to the funeral or even mentioning it around me. I have to say it is one resentment that I have and I think it would have been good for me. Not sure what a 2 year old will get out of it. My only comment then is maybe ask them if they want to say "goodbye" like everyone else?
Posted 11 months ago # -
We're taking my 14 month old to my Stepfather's funeral next week.
If she get's bored or noisy, my wife will take her outside.
It's a family event and she's family. I know he enjoyed seeing her near the end and we'll tell her about it all when she's older.
Posted 11 months ago # -
Ultimately though, don't put added pressure on yourself by saying your Mum would have wanted them there because if it turns out you don't take them you'll end up making yourself feel guilty. You won't be letting your Mum down at all if you decide it is for the best if they just come afterwards. I'm sure your Mum would understand you are doing what you think is best for your children.
Thank you for that - it is an important thought I need to remember.Posted 11 months ago # -
However, don't ask me about the time Papa Bear and Frisky went AWOL in McDonalds in the Vendee a couple of years ago!!!
Always buy doubles of these things!
However, tis a lovely idea of course.
Posted 11 months ago #
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