Caught wife playing away on more than one occasion!
now thinking of divorce or separation but worried about the devastating effect on the kids.
Do I carry on regardless and ignore my needs or happiness for the kids sake or make the split and hope I survive and they are ok out the other side?
Life is tough sometimes...besides which if I get flat, where on earth am I going to put my 5 bikes 
Jesus!!!! how old are your kids?
You have to look after yourself first - why compromise you for her. Sorry but do what you need to do for you first. You love your kids so you will do whatever you can to then protect them but you won;t be able to do that if you are not looking out for yourself.
And don't leave, make her leave, get proof etc etc
And for the final time - protect yourself. See a solicitor ASAP - while the optimist in all of us likes to think these things can be done cleanly she is obviously lying to you so why would that change ?
Good luck and sorry you are in that position.
PS Get a bigger flat and or a second bedroom for the bikes.
She's the one who's playing away,kick her out & let her find a flat.
kids are 5, 12 and 15 years old...
I have seen a solictor and he predicts settlement of between 50-60% to her including my pension.
If she leaves I need to re-think my full time job commitments...but I know what you are saying.
I have proof...emails and evidence of a site she was using called illicit encounters!
bit hard to kick her out if you have kids - and they are at school age and she's the one that looks after them (for example) - relationship counciler would be my first step - as at least if nothing resolved it lays the basis for solicitors etc, the kids are the most important thing here, none of this is their fault and what ever happans you are the parents, where as you may go through 2 or 3 wives/husbands etc..... Even if the kids are young they pick up on this stuff and you have to try not to screw them up.
What price you not feeling like , and excuse the pun here, you are being shafted ?
Your life is a one hit show - you don;t get a re-run so please make yourself happy. Nobody should have to voluntarily put up with the sort of behaviour, you are worth more than that.
You'll manage and not only that you will get through it because nothing can be worse than the person you married lying to you.
Playing away what? Playstation 3? Playing with herself?
Having sex with another man or woman?
Don't say a thing, I know it's shattering-takes 2 to make a relationship work though so you're not innocent but she should not go running to someone else.
Now do what Colin states. If the bitch did it once you should have got rid of her.
Now do it wisely and make her seem unstable when you go to court so then you get the kids.
Put your money away like Jersey or somewhere the UK can't touch.
Stay strong!
I have seen a solictor and he predicts settlement of between 50-60% to her including my pension.
If she's playing away, and this is what your solicitor said, you need to get a better solicitor! Do not ignore your happiness, unless you can look after yourself you will be useless at looking after anyone else!
I know of 2 or 3 men that have had similar situations, and though it was painful and quite costly (though not as costly as 50-60% of everything), they ended up keeping the family home and getting primary custody of the kids in each situation.
One useful trick in each case was that they managed to get the house seriously undervalued, meaning that buying her out of her half was cheaper than it should have been in each instance. Getting a house valued properly costs money, so if you can get it done independently but get them to really undervalue it, she's probably not going to want to fork out cash from her own pocket to go and get it valued again, when it may well only get valued at the same low value again. Sneaky trick but well worth it!
Another quick trick, change the locks on the house whilst she's out. Then remove her belongings. She left you, you're well within your rights to insist she leave really.
Regarding the kids, it ain't gonna be easy of course! The likelihood is that the 15 year old will understand though, the 12 year old will understand fairly quickly, and the 5 year old is too young for it to really have much affect on yet. Whatever you do you must explain to them that whilst their mother and father don't get on at all any more, you would not try to get in their way of having a relationship with their mother, and you must not try to influence the way they feel about her. They will most likely feel quite let down by her for playing away from you anyway!
Most men lose out in cases like these by not standing their ground. Women are much more prepared to fight in these situations usually than men are, hence they often win even if they've been the ones to play away. Stand your ground, let her know she's the one that's at fault, and obviously let the courts know too! Prove you're a decent father, capable of looking after your children on your own if needs be, and you should be ok.
Unless there's anything you're not telling us?
Your life is a one hit show - you don;t get a re-run so please make yourself happy. Nobody should have to voluntarily put up with the sort of behaviour, you are worth more than that.
What he said!
Your kids are going to go through a period of unhappiness, but that's going to happen even if you tried to hide your failing marriage. In time they will respect you much better for standing your ground and kicking their mother out for shagging about. You MUST NOT try to influence any relationship they have with her though, or call her names or anything. She is their mother still, and loves them as much as you do despite the fact she doesn't love you any more. But that said she has wronged you so she should be the one to take her leave from the family home!
i couldn't agree more with mboy - however it pans out, you should never say an ill-word of the wife/mother infront of the kids. fight hard and don't be afraid to be ruthless! because you'll probably get the same treatment...
AAh, the brutal honesty and nonsense of interweb forums / fora....
I was five when my folks divorced - my dad was carrying on big time. My sister was two years older than me. First up; don't listen to anything you read here, or anywhere else online, unless you're paying for the advice.
Secondly; pay for some advice, from a trained professional. Thricely; (did you notice me making an ill-timed grammatical joke whilst your world falls apart around your ears?) I'm 35 and my folks' divorce didn't hit me too hard - I've had some problems but nothing time didn't solve, so look to yersel' first.
EDIT: kids are made of stern stuff and will recover from pretty much any much mental trauma - as has been said several times now - help yourself first, and the littl'uns after (just like you were in a plane crash!).
EDIT: kids are made of stern stuff and will recover from pretty much any much mental trauma - as has been said several times now - help yourself first, and the littl'uns after (just like you were in a plane crash!).
well that's your story - i was 7 when my mum's cheating broke up the family and i went off the rails - compleatly! was as good as gold before that - everyone is different - but DO have relationship counciling, not necessarily to get back together, but so that you can both have some advice on how to do what may be inevitable in a way that it appropriate for the kids.
That sounds awful aw - whatever you do, good luck pal
Personally, I found when trust has gone, thers not much left - get rid!
aw, is the relationship saveable?
I'm with mboy- if she is the guilty party why are you sacrificing your pension etc EQUALLY?
Push her down the stairs then shag her sister. Good luck with it all, it's not going to be easy but you need to do the right thing for you.
Family is such that (in Scotland at least) fault does not play a part in who gets custody - it's about the best interests of the kids. Thankfully financial provision is in theory straightforward here too.
Call me naive but...ss long as there are people as cynical as mboy around then there will be many truly hideous, damaging divorces. Some DO manage to sort it out amicably, avoid mountainous legal fees and nervous breakdowns etc.
If she's playing away, and this is what your solicitor said, you need to get a better solicitor!
Sorry, but the financial settlement is not in any way affected by "who started it". Your chap is not wrong, however unfair that may seem.
Don't take any one elses advice on relationships, only you know what is right for you.
I feel for you
all the best
Pete
purely on a medical note, and not trying to be funny, get yourself checked at a G.U.M. clinic, who knows what the partners she's slept with are infected with, especailly if she's been using 'swinging' websites to hook up with them 
I had a similar situation in 2000. Fortunately no kids involved. I agreed to live in separate rooms to the ex until the divorce was sorted but she couldn't stand the fact that I wouldn't argue with her. I just looked after myself and treated her like a house mate.
It nearly killed me to be pleasant, but I ended up agreeing our settlement without the need for solicitors. I didn't give anywhere near half as I pointed out that I'd go to court to fight that and we'd both end up with less cash due to solicitor's fees.
My advice is to get some advice on your rights from a solicitor but then try to agree everything between yourselves before having a solicitor make it more formal. You will save a fortune and avoid creating a lot of unneeded stress for you and your kids.
9 years down the line, I am now remarried and significantly happier than I have ever been. JnrI appeared last year and my old life is a distant memory.
Life will be lousy for a good while, but it sounds like you are better off out of an unloving relationship even if you see less of your kids. The alternative may be that she one day ups sticks with the kids leaving you with no choice. Do it on your terms whilst you can.
Aw, sounds awful and Im sorry for even mentioning this but have a DNA test carried out on your youngest discreetly. People just dont suddenly decide to visit websites/play around- the thought will have been there before.
Whatever you do, do it quick. Dont drag it out as that makes the pain last longer. My parents divorced and I was quite glad rather than put up with the arguments etc. Kids are not stupid - they know right from wrong and can read between the lines.
On the bright side, the value of houses is low, interest rates are low. You may be able to buy her out cheaper now than last year.
Check out Fathers for Justice, they may be able to recommend a suitable solicitor.
Aw, sounds awful and Im sorry for even mentioning this but have a DNA test carried out on your youngest discreetly.
Discreet DNA test!
Yep, just pop it around to one of those "DNA results whilst you wait" places!!!
Your stupidity never ceases to amaze Hora..
I thought the research showed that the effects on kids were much the same whether the parents divorced or "carried on for the sake of the children"
Myself I'd get her out of the house ASAP.
BigDummy - Member
Sorry, but the financial settlement is not in any way affected by "who started it". Your chap is not wrong, however unfair that may seem.
This is 100% correct, even she admits Adultery it will not effect the settlement, and you will be doing very well if you get 40% of any equity.
Only remember that going through solicitor will cost you on avrage £160 an hour, £20 for a 2min telephone conversation and £16 to even open a letter. Try to get agreement between the two of you, and then when ready get solicitor to draft up documents.
I have been in your shoes fella so know how you feel, keep your head up and try and focus your attention on the kids, it was mine that helped me through it even though they didn't know it 
Marriage Guidance or have an 'Open Marriage' - until kids over school etc..
You can get binding arbitration is both sides agree on that route. Much better as it costs very little to do
Discreet DNA test!
Yep, just pop it around to one of those "DNA results whilst you wait" places!!!
Your stupidity never ceases to amaze Hora..
Use google, it'll educate you like school never did.
All I want to say is DON'T stay together for the sake of the kids it will just drag you down and you'll struggle to stay happy. I see lots of people in my job who are like that and they just spend all their time depressed.
Good luck though things wil get better over time.
get some legal advice, and kick her out. You only live once and life is too short to be some else's doormat.
Marriage Guidance or have an 'Open Marriage' - until kids over school etc..
DO NOT do this i dated a girl where the family was staying together until the youngest's 16th birthday, the kids found out about it and so, it was then openly discussed. what a present for him on his sixteenth!
most dysfunctional family i've ever met.
whatever you do... stay/go/kick her out, you'll probably find out in years to come the kids knew all about it. i figure they'd rather have two happy parents, even if they are seperated parents. I know I would have.
Don't know to comment on your situation inasmuch as how you must be feeling etc but I wouldn't stay together for the kids' sakes.
My folks broke up when I was pretty young, my mum, little bro and i moved back to a village in scotland (from kent) and she brought us up with help of her sis and mum. I only saw my dad once a month and i guess i did resent my mum for a long time but as you get older you realise how tough it must have been for her and you respect that decision. I also believe for her to stay in that relationship would have been detrimental, hard as it was breaking up was the best thing for them to do. For me as much as them.
Horses for courses but I wouldn't stay together for the kids, as said they prob know/will find out in due course.
Try talking to her, find out where she see's her life going, why she is doing what she does. Then you are in a better position to decide what you want.
f_ck her, move your pension offshore now. transfer a hefty part of it to another pension facility outside of the euro tax regime, you'll take a hit on it, but not 50%.
And start emptying the joint account and destroy any jointly held CC's/
Jeremy Kyle show?
Dip her best friend (female obviously) and let her know how it feels.........then kick her out.
Dont you just hate that cause she is the woman (even though she is in the wrong) that she will get half your money and probably the kids as well. Just no justice in this world!!!
AW its a brave and some may say foolish move to come on here and bare your soul but now you have the only advice I can give you is take your time, make your decisions sober and in light of the facts rather than opinions. Ignore all the aggressive, childish replies on this thread. A lot of the replies on here suggest the posters are dumber than George Bush and about as tactful.
What ever decision you make I hope you and your kids come out of it ok, best of luck and keep riding, its still one of the best stress busters going.
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