Has anyone got any encouraging stories about depression? I am really struggling at the moment.

Being a logical and analytical type of chap, I spend a fair bit of time thinking about how and why I ended up like this. I think it probably goes back to childhood. I am the oldest of 3 boys. My father was an alcoholic from as far back as I can remember, and just used to come in from work and get pissed. Anyone who talked back at him got thumped, mostly my mother but sometimes me. She wasn’t much better as far as the drinking goes, although sometimes I think who can blame her given what she was putting up with. I spent hours and hours listening to my mother, drunk and emotional, pouring her heart out. Conversely, I never had anybody to talk to at home. Or, perhaps more accurately, I never talked to anybody. I had friends at school who I got on well with, but I could never bring them home.

I’m now 34 and from an emotional point of view am a mess. I can never express how I feel, usually because I do not know how I feel. Often I do not feel anything, just empty. I can usually say what I think, but never what I feel. I’m often distant and withdrawn and just cannot engage. I manage to get by at work like this, and I think hide it pretty well, but not at home. I’m often distant and withdrawn and just cannot engage. Consequently, my wife and I are nowhere near as close as both of us would like to be. We’ve been together for about 8 years, and this summer things came to a head with both of us feeling like we may be better of calling it a day. Neither of us wanted to, but both of us had thought, independently, that it might be better for us all (we’ve got 3 kids) to do so. Just to avoid the kids growing up in a house with an unhappy atmosphere. What we’ve ended up doing is seeking some help and doing some sort of marriage course to try and get things back on track. I find it incredibly draining and my inability to express or describe any feeling is frustrating, but we shall persevere with it, and even though there’s a long way to go I think we both appreciate that the other is trying, which in itself is very reassuring. I know that a lot of what is lacking in our relationship is down to my personality, which is why I have to finally try to address my own problems.

I’ve got a job that I generally enjoy and I’m good at, which I’m grateful for. I know I am well regarded by my boss, the boss above him, and by those of my colleagues who matter.

So I don’t feel that I have anything to complain about, yet I go to bed at night and lie awake for hours just feeling sick. I wake up after a few hours sleep feeling the same. I worry far too much about things – like money and the building work that the house needs. As far back as I can remember I have frequently felt like I just want to run away to somewhere where nobody knows me and I can be alone.

I went to the doctor a couple of years ago and did one of those PHQ depression tests. I think I was about in the middle. He referred me to a self help counselling guy, who was really good. I had 3 sessions with him, and we worked out that low self esteem was one of the problems. Having an understanding of that helped for a little while, but the darkness soon creeps back. That guy has now left and he hasn’t been replaced.

When I did the questionnaire at the doctor’s I lied when he asked about suicidal thoughts, and said that I didn’t. Unfortunately I do. I never plan it, but I frequently imagine it. I don’t think I would ever do it, because I can’t bear the thought of leaving my kids fatherless, but just thinking about it is probably not a good sign. Almost every night when I go to bed it is my last thought. Often, but not always, it’s what I think about when I wake up.

As I said, I am very analytical and like to know why things happen. I’ve read quite a few books about depression. I’ve done one of those Myers-Briggs tests and come out as INTJ, although I don’t know how relevant this is.

I have put off seeing the doctor for a long time since my other visit, my wife works there now which makes it a bit awkward, and to be honest I just don’t feel like I can be bothered to sit there and try and explain it all to him. I have made an appointment though, for later this week.

Apologies for a long post. I assume I’m not the only one like this, and I think it would just be encouraging to read anybody’s positive experiences who have managed to get out of a similar hole.

Mods – apologies for registering a new account for this but I’m sure you can understand why.

the first step is the hardest and it sounds like your doing your best to take it.
i came at my issues with a lets leave the pills and potions till last especially the kind folks who tell you to buck up.

understanding where you are and how you came to be there is crucial, clearly you and the mrs are making a go of it, if you cant get your feelings out or dont understand them say so but convince them that you are trying.

simple things often make the biggest impact for me it was stopping listening to radio 5 ( middle aged men moaning all day about stuff i have no influence over) and tuned into radio 2, music and self depricating humour ( at least until lunchtime)

before bed be tired, drink warm milk and read a book for 30 mins.. you ll still wake but you ll go back to sleep easy enough.

if the house needs repairs, sort it out one at a time start with the small stuff focus on the job in hand and ignore all other stuff the list will grow shorter..

Thanks. Have you managed to get rid of it, or just improve things?

This will come as a shock to people who have read my posts ( I expect) and some others who know me will confirm some of what I’m about to say which is:

Other than the family breaking up and suicidal thoughts, I’m much like you. I can spend ages wondering “why” this and that are like they are, I find it hard to express feelings and can project stubborness and doom and gloom when in actual fact all is well. To cut it short I learn 4 things (which I still struggle to do properly btw) which may help from people around me, and also Dr Steve Peter’s book – the Chimp Paradox.

1) Dwelling on the past and especially beatiung yourself up over is a complete waste of time. You are where you are, so channel your energies to do what you can today and tomorrow to make a better, happier life for yourself.

2) Who cares what others think of you. Think about who matters (your inner circle) such as family and kids and shape yourself around there’s and your needs, don’t bother about pleasing others with the exception of being polite and gracious to them, they are focussing on themsleves.

3) There are no good and bad decisions just decisions. One you’ve made a decision, deal with the consequences and outcomes in the best way you can.

4) Accept where you are in life. We are ALL on different rungs of lifes ladder. Some are above us, others are below us, but if you constantly trying to be above or below your mind will never rest. Let your actions (See 1-3) take youo where they will.

Oh and a 5th:

5) Life isn’t fair. Accept that and move on. It isn’t fair and never will be, not for you, me or anyone else.

Hope this helps a bit.

I guess I shouldn’t be surprised anymore, but they are lots of people who feel like you do and have had similar experiences in life.

If you take nothing else from any replies to your post, remember, you are not alone! Never, ever think that you are…

I thought it was just me but it turns out that lots of people ride to keep sane.

Having suffered from depression a few times in the last 7 or so years, I was advised that exercise would help keep the spirits up.

At 36, I took up kayaking with my eldest son. This turned my life around and I haven’t looked back since. After a rather sobering experience on the River Dart (in spate) my ardour for whitewater paddling cooled a little. As a result, I haven’t paddled in anger for over 3 years now. I noticed that my spirits were generally low and getting lower as the months went on, so decided after some gentle nudging from my wife that maybe I should dust off the 1990 Emmelle Dolomite XL in the shed and start riding to and from work.

At first I didn’t enjoy it. The fact that Torquay is built on 7 hills means that there is no flat around here. It’s either up or down. The ride to work is very nearly all downhill. Therefore, going home is a hard (for me), ride. Anyway, after a month or two, I realised that I wasn’t so tired when I got home… I could speak!

I then took the plunge and decided that cycling around Iceland (one of my favourite countries) would be a good idea. One little dabble with the Cycle scheme and I got a 2010 Felt Q620 hardtail. Wow, bikes have improved in the last 20 years!!

Me and a mate spent 2 weeks riding in Iceland in July 2010. It was ace. Despite the fact that I hopelessly underprepared physically!

The riding bug has well and truly bitten me and I love riding to and from work. I only live about 0.8 miles from work but I now ride 9 – 13.5 miles home (80% uphill) just so I can ride for longer. I even look forward to the ride home. I find myself plotting longer routes home now.

I have competed in Devon Dirt Mountain bike race and the Dartmoor Classic this year.

I even took my bike to NZ this Summer and rode in some amazing places!

I feel so much happier because I ride. Ask my wife…

Cycling has given me back my self esteem, and taken away over two stone…

It’s taken a long time, but I have come round to seeing this as an illness (although that word makes me cringe) that needs to be resolved rather than a fundamental flaw in me as a person. So I don’t blame myself, but it’s just my nature to want/need to understand what has happened to me.

I read once on here, I think it was ernie who wrote it, something along the lines of while it’s not your fault how your treated as kid, and how that makes you turn out, once your an adult it’s up to you whether or not you resolve it or wallow in it. The context might have been something else, but that was the general gist.

Perhaps I should try and find the time to do some of the long distance walks I would like to do. Just plodding along with just myself for company really appeals.

As you and your wife are making a go of it, have you tried Relate as a counselling service? Go on your own or together, this may help short-circuit the delays in NHS counselling services if they uncover things beyond their ability. You are going to need Mrs Tangerine to help sort it out as there’s some emotional stuff to learn.

Samaritans aren’t just there for those about to end it all. Also a source of where to go next.

Go back to your GP and redo the PHQ test. Be truthful this time, take any medication handed out to take the edge off things (they aren’t a cure just a tool to start the cure) and get him to arrange the extra help you need.

Ride your bike, walk, run as necessary. Endorphins are good for you.

Best of luck with getting it all started and keep on keeping on.

Mike (more poor mental health experience than I’m happy with).

He referred me to a self help counselling guy, who was really good. I had 3 sessions with him, and we worked out that low self esteem was one of the problems. Having an understanding of that helped for a little while, but the darkness soon creeps back. That guy has now left and he hasn’t been replaced.

Sounds to me like you need to focus efforts on sorting out an alternative to this seeing as it really helped. Unfortunately as I found the NHS in my area can only usually fund a few sessions, so you may have to fund it privately if you can find the money. I think you should make it a big priority though.

Sandwich – to be fair, she’s being as supportive as she can be, given that it can’t be easy for her either. What we’re doing now isn’t through relate but it’s a similar sort of thing, with someone to help/guide. not just the tow of us.

grum – how did you go about finding someone privately (assuming you did)?

Go out and do lots and lots and lots of exercise. That will do you the world of good. Worked for me.

Or try either – https://moodgym.anu.edu.au

The NHS has a similar site, Living Life to the Full is what the site is called.

We’re alike in some ways and different in otheres. For me it was nearly dieing 5 years ago that brought things to a head. I ended up doing over 2 years of counselling that made me realise I had a lot of things to face. That was through a charitable counselling service who relied on donations from some people to support those who couldn’t afford it. Realising what you’re up against is the first part of it and I somehw feel better to know ‘why’ I’m feeling a certain way or doing something, even though that itself does nothing to fix thngs. Sometimes I can turn it around by focussing on the good stuff and accepting what I know about myself, but for me it seems there’s no ‘cure’, not so far anyway. 30+ years of living a certain way will take a lot of fixing. So all I’d say is commit to something that will help you, be selfish for once about helping yourself feel better and accept that the way out isn’t always going to be pleasant.

One of my greatest fears is that my children will go the same way. Not because I am like my father, that will never happen. But I just worry that my problems might affect the way they develop emotionally.

Another way of looking at that concern would be that by being exposed to someone with the odd mental health challenge, they will become more aware, more tolerant and less judgemental of such individuals in future.

That’s true. Probably the best thing to do is to be honest with them, once they’re old enough to understand, so at least they’ll know that Dad’s not grumpy because of them.

Back in 2007 I was a mess, I didn’t leave the house, hardly ate, slept 17 hours a day and just wanted to not wake up. It’s been a tough journey but today I am engaged to a stunning girl, holding down a good career in an area I love and have a mortgage. I still suffer with anxiety more so involving social events. It hurts me to look at what I was but I can easily look forward now and be happy.

You can turn it around it just takes time. Ride more, eat well and try not to think too much.

One of my greatest fears is that my children will go the same way. Not because I am like my father, that will never happen. But I just worry that my problems might affect the way they develop emotionally.

One if the reasons I haven’t had children yet is the fear of passing depression on or letting them see me when I’m down but you can’t worry over things that haven’t happend yet. Spend good times with them and when the going is rough think of those times.

I know this is not the same situation, but if it is anyway helpful, it’s worth saying.
Go back to the GP as soon as you can, modern drugs for depression can and do work.
A member of my family had a breakdown, and came out the other side completely fine. It took about a year and is no longer medicated.
I feel we are all on a tight rope, holding ourselves together emotionally. One or two bad knocks can just tip the balance sometimes.
What works for me is excersize. I can be snappy with the kids, short tempered and distant. The endorphin hit of a run or bike ride (plus a little solitude), even just an hour, can sort me out for the day.

I’d get out & ride as much as possible & get training for a long distance biking holiday in Spring. It will help you get through winter & give you a new focus.

If you want to do the Ebro valley in Spain, 800km of car free track, get in touch as I’m planning it. It certainly focusses the mind.

Hope it helps

The prospect of being given medication is one of the reasons I have avoided going back to the doctor. I just don’t like the thought of it.

I’ve just finshed reading this book – Depressive Illness – and while it turns out not really to be about my problems (it’s about depression brought on by stress, not other causes) it does give an honest and encouraging review of the medication that is used.

So while I still don’t really want any happy pills I’m starting to see that it might be a means to an end.

Dont think of medication as happy pills, think of them as pills for getting rid of depression. Because they dont make you happy, they just make you feel normal – if you get the correct ones for you.

my inability to express or describe any feeling is frustrating

You’re doing it pretty well here.

You’ve knocked up a makeshift bed with a lumpy matress and are currently lying in it, and feeling glass half full about it. I’m just a bod on a forum and it sounds depressing to me – no money, shonky house, three kids, a dull job, dull sex life – or does it?

Try walking to Compostela. By half way there you’ll either be off with a ballet dancer from Berlin or be hankering after your own bed in your familiar house without half a dozen snoring pilgrims around, your three great kids, your caring wife and your work mates.

Objectively, I’m not disatisfied with anything – wife, kids, job, house, location. There are always little things that could be improved, but none of these cause me to despair. We’re going away later this month, to America next summer, and I’m probably going to take the older kids to Canada in a years time – lots to look forward to. I enjoy spending time with my family.

It’s just a constant feeling of sadness nearly all the time. It’s like I want to cry, but can’t. Sometimes I sit there willing it to happen because I think I’ll feel better for it. But it never happens. I have cried twice since my father died 16 years ago. Once at my grandfather’s funeral, but only after everyone else had gone, and once becuse of this

One of my greatest fears is that my children will go the same way.

Maybe that’s why a logical/analytical person like me has struggled for so long, being unable to make sense of it all, and therefore be unable to solve it myself?

Depression / Anxiety is a horrible illness and there are many drugs (anti-depressants) which can be very effective for people. E.g. I’ve been taking them every day for the last 5 years, and can’t rate them highly enough.

Put very crudely, there are two types of depression, some people just seem prone to it as part of their personality / genetics / upbringing. These people tend to be harder to treat with therapy, such as CBT.

Others, who have an acute episode brought on by a specific even, such as a divorce, normally recover of their own accord as they overcome / adjust to the event. These people tend to respond well to Anti-depressants / therapy (mainly as they’d recover anyway, so the intervention is getting an easy ride).

If you have a depressive personality there is nothing wrong with taking anti-depressants, and they can make a big difference to your quality of life. I know several people who will probably be on them for life and are quite happy about it (myself included).

I’d recommend talking to your GP about this (and be honest about suicidal thoughts as it’s important you get assessed properly).

Feel free to PM me for a chat – I’ve been there and know exactly what Hell looks like…

Ben

Thanks Ben. Have you had any problems with side effects, as this also puts me off a bit.

grum – how did you go about finding someone privately (assuming you did)?

I asked a friend who is also a therapist to recommend me someone – had a few sessions but I didn’t really get on with them. I found someone now just through googling who I think is great. The person I am seeing now is a consultant clinical psychologist. Not cheap but I am confident she knows what she is doing. I have seen counsellors in the past who were well-meaning and provided helpful ‘sticking plasters’ but were a little wishy-washy and weren’t really addressing the issues directly. I think unfortunately you just have to try some people out and see how you get on with them.

I was on anti-depressants for a while and it got me out of a hole but it’s not a long-term solution (for me anyway).

Objectively, I’m not disatisfied with anything – wife, kids, job, house, location. There are always little things that could be improved, but none of these cause me to despair.

I think often it doesn’t have a lot to do with your actual situation, it’s just your brain’s way of looking at things has gone a bit faulty. The same set of circumstances can seem like an exciting challenge or a terrifying ordeal depending on how you are feeling at the time.

I’ve not read all the replies so I apologise if repeating anything.

IME depression feeds off itself. I’m very analytical (ins and outs of a duck’s and all that) and I’ve been depressed. For me, trying to make sense of it all just made it worse.

I’m happier now, for the fact that I try to not think about being unhappy. When I feel the downs starting to come I’ll distract myself (biking, walking the dog, DIY, sorting the shed) and it seems to help nip it in the bud. Doesn’t always work, but it’s much better than it was.

I expect others probably have it worse than me though, so I’m not sure what my opinion is really worth.

All the best though.

Have you read Curse of the Strong, by Dr Tim Cantopher? (apologies if I’ve missed it in this thread, reading fast on my lunchbreak!).

Everything you have described sounds very familiar to me personally, and the book will help.

I’ve had severe depression on and off for much of my life, but really hit rock bottom 4 years ago now when I was talked off the ledge by the Police and found myself in a mental hospital. What followed was probably the most amazing few years of my life as I was re-built by wonderful people in the NHS and by my family. I consider myself well and truly cured now, and I’ve never been happier.
I had therapy, medication etc. But most of of the prescribed treatments were sticking plasters to me which is how I believe they always should be, the actual cure came from within myself. I educated myself and I knew I had to tackle some significant demons and alter my approach to life if I wanted to see my kids grow up.

My point is, get some help, that will provide the foundations to allow you to have a long hard look at yourself.
Read books, study the illness, take those long walks and be honest with yourself. Learn the signs, know what to do to avoid escalating symptoms. Almost all depression is caused by simply ignoring the signs or trying to ignore underlying insecurities.

I could rattle on for hours, but please drop me a line if you need a patient and understanding ear.

Thanks Ben. Have you had any problems with side effects, as this also puts me off a bit.

Personally, none at all. Not everyone gets on with every drug, but there are so many about you can always try different one. Your GP will start you off on a basic generic (out of patent) such as Citalopram. You can see the NICE guidance process, which your GP should follow, here:

http://guidance.nice.org.uk/CG90

I’m now confused; in your opening post you list a host of issues which from later posts it’s clear aren’t issues. Looking forward to things suggests dissatisfaction with what you’re doing today. Why will Canada be any better than where you are now? The people you’ll be with will be the same and let’s face it, holidays are stressful wild goose chases.

So, I think the issues that you consider non-issues are real issues for you and that you’re dissatisfied more than you’re depressed.

Have you read Curse of the Strong, by Dr Tim Cantopher?

Yes, and enjoyed it, but it seems to deal specifically with depression caused by stress, although I’m sure a lot of it crosses over.

I feel better for having posted, so I’m glad I bothered. Especially the fact that it seems possible to beat it given time. Sounds like it needs to be a combination of things I can do for myself and things the doctor might be able to do.

I’m grateful to everyone for taking the time to post. Thanks.

I’ll see how it goes when I see the doctor.

All good advice above.

I tend to spend too long thinking/worrying about things, which brings me down quite badly.

To try and fix this, I’m currently reading/implementing The Happiness Trap by Russ Harris. It’s based on ACT. Seems to help so far. It’s focused on methods of coexisting with bad thoughts rather than spending loads of energy trying to expel them. So when you have thoughts that you often worry about, you can emotionally detach from them and only spend energy on them if its useful. The book explains it a lot better than me!

Hope it helps.

Edukator – I’m not sure I get what you’re saying? Perhaps I haven’t explained so well?

EDIT

My job isn’t the cause of my unhappiness.
My wife isn’t the cause of it. My introversion has caused a lot of the distance between us.
I’m still able, most of the time, to look forward to things like holidays.
I worry about things like money and the house, I think more than I should, but I don’t think that’s what’s behind my depression.

Objectively, I don’t think these things are the cause, but my depression affects how unhappy I feel about them sometimes.

Steve Peters The Chimp Paradox is a good read. Takes a psychiatric approach to it rather than a psychological one.

Try reading the Hector book about happiness, I’ll Google it in a bit and look for the English translation. I’m just questioning whether what you’re feeling is depression or unhappiness born of disssatisfaction with life.

Edit to add Hector link.

I see. Who knows? I shall add that book to my list!

There are three Hector books. The one about love is perhaps why I’m not posting from Berlin. I read them when I was finding life an uphill struggle, they convinced me to keep trying and make the most of what I have. Carpe diem whiilst still acting responsibly.

When I’m sad I’m introverted, that doesn’t mean I’m depressed though.

I have come round to seeing this as an illness that needs to be resolved rather than a fundamental flaw in me as a person

+100 and very important step that you acknowledge that fact.

There is nothing wrong with your person, personality, soul, being, entity, whatever. Depression is a mechanical disorder like any other disease, but of the brain, and far more common than people imagine. And it can be largely relieved for many people. But even sufferers are sceptical about the existence of mental illnesses and doubt, blame, and criticise themselves.

Apply your intellect to the practices, disciplines and medications that can help. I’ve used talking therapies for relatively minor issues and found CBT concepts and practices particularly logical and therefore easier to buy-in and commit to (I’m an Engineer). It’s a long road back to health so best start walking now. Good luck.

…feeling is depression or unhappiness born of dissatisfaction with life…

This. I’ve done the depression thing, pill’s an’ all in the early 2000’s. I was recommended MTB’ing as a “hobby” to distract me from other events after I came off them.

I was diagnosed as depressive personality, but am now able to spot the difference (in myself) between depression and disatisfaction, its not been easy.

Edukator will vouch for the fact that even not so long ago I went through a long “wanton” phase – ie, never happy with anything. I put that down to a peter pan personality and lots of disposable income (what a problem to have eh?).

Now, I’m much “poorer” than then but much more satisfied. I too didn’t want my kids to grow up like my parents or myself in my childhood years, but watching the happiness and intelligence of my little boy, added to the feedback I get from his teachers and other parents etc about his behaviour, together with the way he wants to help me fix my bikes and spend time with me, I know that even as challenging as I find it (I question my application as a father constantly), I’m doing something right.

In short, I may have been / am an arse to a lot of people, but I’ve a brilliant son who isn’t and whose manners and intelligence are admired by others at the age of 3.5yrs. That to me is reason enough to put a smile on my face an wipe away (yet not excuse) the past misgivings.

Edit: I forgot to explain – I wrote that ^^ becuase I’m trying to show you that no matter what happend, it doesn’t mean that / you really can find a way to create a better future.

A lot of good advice here. Not sure I can add much, except to say that in a strange way, being diagnosed with depression was one of the best things that ever happened to me. In that I realised there was nothing “wrong” with me, I was just ill. It explained why I felt so bad about myself – about most things – all the time.

Good diet, exercise help, as can keeping busy. If tasks seem to be “too big”, then break them up into little chunks and work on them for 10 minutes a day.

For me, getting enough sleep is really important. As to medication, I’m back on 900mg of St.John’s Wort/day. It takes the edge off.