ALCOHOLICS – always carry an empty polystyrene cup and when you're sick, place the cup next to it and inform any observers that you've dropped your soup.

PARENTS – leave a hole punch within reach of a three year old boy. That way he can perforate several of your most important documents including but not limited to birth and marriage certificates.

Little git.

VOTERS make sure you have cleaned your house before asking Gordon Brown about immigration issues

PARENTS – leave a hole punch within reach of a three year old boy. That way he can perforate several of your most important documents including but not limited to birth and marriage certificates

LOL – true life expriences eh?

MEN: When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to the volume you desire; then turn it down three notches. This will save your wife from having to do it

So so true

This very morning.

HUSBANDS: Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the loo seat by simply weeing in the sink

blind people – don't risk a break in at your home by blocking up your windows; you don't need them anyway

That's made me feel quite sad…. 🙁

Parents – Leave your 5 year old in the front of the car so they can pretend to drive only to find that they have discovered the cigarette lighter will make patterns if pushed into the plastic dashboard when hot.

BMW DRIVERS: Why not pop your indicators on once in a while so other road users know where the f*ck you're turning?

LADIES – don't miss a moment of valuable tanning time by going topless year round!

BMW DRIVERS – ignor troublesome cars patiently waiting in turn to overtake a slow moving vehicle by using the spaces between them as your personal overtaking zones.

Save your toenail clippings. Place them inside a knotted stocking and they make a handy pan scourer.

Don't read this one then Talkemada

PRANKSTERS: Increase blind people's electricity bills by switching all their lights on when their guide dog isn't looking

CYCLE PART MANUFACTURERS – Make more money by always making new parts that require new tools to fit or maintain them, the mugs will buy anything.

Disapoint wasps this summer by smearing cold tea on your ears instead of honey.
It was just the first 2 words that struck me as brilliantly funny!

I remember an old one:

Pedestrians – save energy by not looking both ways when crossing a one way street

with a responce 3 lines down in the same comic:

Pedestrians – look both ways when crossing a one way street in case a yellow van is reversing . . .

Dulux: Consider renaming your 'Once' range of paints with the technically more accurate name; 'Twice'.

The filter from a tipped cigarette, when stuffed up a cats arse, makes an ideal catalytic converter helping to reduce emissions of harmful methane gas into the environment

Police forces. Save the time and effort spent compiling a sex offenders register by simply obtaining the membership list of the British Caravan Club.

Save money on expensive personal address books by getting the BT phone book and crossing out all the people you don't know