CYCLISTS – the hollowed out skin of a freshly baked jacket-potato makes an ideal testicle warmer for chilly Spring mornings.

FAT PEOPLE make everyone think you've just stepped out of a shower by climbing a flight of stairs

RYAN AIR – limiting compensation to the £1 someone paid for their ticket is illegal and will only lead to an embarassing climb down with 24 hours.

Convince people you own an iPad by drawing a picture of the internet on your etch-a-sketch

Smoke alarm owners, why not live dangerously for a change?

Save money on expensive nicotine gum by chewing ordinary gum and smoking a cigarette at the same time.

OXFAM. Stop collecting for Africa. I have just had an email saying I have £3,000,000 in a bank over there. You can have that.

My last one.

TALIBAN INSURGENTS. Thwart coalition air strikes by simply puffing volcanic dust into the air over your hideouts.

CONVINCE YOUR neighbours that you're a serial killer by chopping them into tiny pieces with an axe.

HALF A table tennis ball makes an ideal soup bowl for a hamster.

HAMSTERS You might want to put a dent in the bottom of your new soup bowl, to avoid spilling hot soup.

CONVINCE PEOPLE you're a worm by chopping yourself in half and carrying on as normal.

😆

NURSING home staff. Modify a bathtub by attaching roller skates to the bottom, and next time you give an old man a bath, roll him down a country lane for some 'Last of the Summer Wine' style fun.

who is gonna start a thread on Rogers Profanisaurus: The Magna Farta?

It could lead to a mass banning

Fool your neighbours into thinking you've gone on a luxery holiday by dumping your car in the canal and crawling around below the window with the lights off for two weeks.

WIFE BEATERS.
When hitting your wife, get hold of a crocodile, a string of sausages and a policeman to recreate some of that seaside magic for the kids.

PROFESSIONAL footballers.
Remember, there is plenty of time to get pissed after your playing career has ended.

DRIVERS.
When the salesgirl in your local petrol station holds your banknote up to the light, simply wink at her, laughingly telling her “the ink's still wet!” Trust me, she won't have heard this one before, and you might even get a shag.

The last ones a killer!!!

One for Binners:

DEVOUT CATHOLICS.
If the Lord has not yet made Himself visible, perhaps you are looking in the wrong place. Try paying more attention to the flaking paint on your walls, the rust on your frying pan or the mouldy stains on your carpet as these are the sort of places where He usually turns up.

HOLLYWOOD leading men.
When chasing muggers in a London park at 4.00am, avoid tripping over your little dog by carrying it in a shoulder bag.

CYCLISTS: Avoid getting a sore behind by simply placing a naan bread over your saddle. This will comfort your ride and when you return home, hey presto! A warm snack.

POWER COMPANIES. After a blackout, wait until midnight before turning on the power again. That way, everybody's alarm clocks and videos will be automatically re-set.

HR MANAGERS: When confronted with a pile of candidate CV's, select half of them randomly and throw them in the bin. This way you have removed all the people who are unlucky in life and bound to be problematic later on.

STW USERS: REPLICATE all the fun of being at work by sitting at home in front of your PC posting on random threads on STW
🙂

STW USERS: Bait people and see how many people you can get to reply by starting threads with titles like "Singlespeed users Stupid or Ugly?"

STW USERS: Feel superior and get respect by correcting other people's grammar and spelling.

A kitchen roll tube and two small mirrors makes a handy periscope for watching TV from beneath the floor boards.

Shove a cocktail stick up a centipede's arse to make an inexpensive mascara brush.

CAT OWNERS – save money on expensive pet carriers by simply tying your pet's tail to one of its back legs and using it as a handy carrying loop.

WOMEN – save money on expensive skin creams and beauty products by staying ugly, by a man a beer or six it'll do the same job at half the cost of oil of ulay

"Fill an old cigar tube full of angry wasps to make a cheap and efficient emergency 'vibrating massager'."

That was my favourite.

blind people – don't risk a break in at your home by blocking up your windows; you don't need them anyway

Shoe Bombers try dressing as a clown to increase your payload.

NOTTINGHAM DRIVERS try looking up the phrases "box junction" and "Give way to oncoming traffic" in the highway code before setting off on your commute.

MUMS: Don't waste money buying your kids expensive toy Formula One racing cars. Simply glue four buttons onto the sides of an old fag packet.

Spice up your sex life by trying a bit of "rodeo sex". Take your missus from behind and, holding on tightly to her jugs, call her by the wrong name. See how long you can stay on for.

revs1972 You are Jim Davidson and I claim my five pounds.

Love the Etch-a-Sketch and shoe bomber ones. Chapeau! (Assuming you made them up and didn't dredge them from your store of useless mental trivia, like I did)

CHEFS
When making scrambles eggs, to save time on all that beating an egg with a fork pish, simply get a drill and carefully attach a bit of 4 X 2 and use that to mix the eggs.
I done it tonight and wrecked the kitchen however it was good fun and I have a bird to clean up after me.

TELEPHONE COMPANIES: Infuriate all of you paying customers by never having anyone to immeddiately answer your own phone when they ring up to complain,instead make them wait ages while being soothed by Chris De Burgh singing 'Lady in red' ad nauseum.

Keep cool on hot summer nights by filling your hot water bottle full of liquid nitrogen.

Used condoms make ideal fish flavoured chewing gum for cats!

Reduce the risk of paper cuts by removing the sharp edges with scissors

Save money on toilet roll by waiting until you get to work, and be smug in the knowledge that you are also being paid to take a dump.

CYCLE ACCESSORY MANUFACTURERS:
Make a mint by selling a selection of useless and expensive products like disk brake cleaner and cycling specific socks to gullible cyclists.

Anti-cycling campaigners: Discourage cycling by encouraging bike manufacturers to paint their frames the same colour as a nice fresh turd. Explain this away by liberal use of the words 'fashion' and 'retro'.

RAPPERS: Avoid having to say: "Know what I'm sayin'" all the time by actually speaking clearly in the first place.