Utterly pants start to the year ...

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Utterly pants start to the year ...

44 posts & 33 voices | Started 4 months ago by Sue_W | Latest reply from nickf

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Sue_W - Member

I started 2012 with such a sense of optimism, it was my year for looking forward to the future and letting go of the past.

But the last week has kinda kicked the emotional stuffing out of me. One of my friends died of cancer at the end of last week - he was the same age as me. Then one of my friend's son died unexpectedly at the weekend from a brain haemorrhage.

Added to this, there are some really difficult family times as we try to persuade my elderly mother than she is reaching the point where she isn't going to be able to look after my disabled brother any more. Really hard and emotional conversation tonight with her as she doesn't want to let him go, and she feels that she is now reached the end of her life.

Then have got back to work to be faced with an on-going harassment case against my current manager, which is getting more unpleasant as it progresses.

Sorry, shouldn't winge. Should be more positive. But it's late, I'm tired, and I'm alone ... will make an effort to WTFU soon! I know it's much worse for many, and I really feel for the family of those people who have died - they must be going through hell.

Just needed to let go for a short while in the anonminity of the virtual world, before putting a more cheery face back on in the real one.

Normal service will return soon.

Posted 4 months ago #
ciderinsport - Member

You have every right to feel miserable..

Hope it does improve soon.

Posted 4 months ago #
MrOvershoot - Member

Sue hang on in there, I think you posted up some encouraging words for me last year for me while I was going through a "dark phase" so...

Feel free to winge its quite a release to let go on tinternet sometimes and pour it out, I know I did.

Posted 4 months ago #
scaredypants - Member

aww, sounds pretty grim Sue. You're allowed to be down

eCuddle ?

Posted 4 months ago #
tails - Member

hmmmm the first two unless they are really close friends let others deal with them, perhaps be the fun friend who shows them life carries on. I was defiantly more happy to be with my fun friends than the ones who constantly talked about my dads death.

I would say your mother/brother situation needs some thinking about, can the problem be helped financially. Could you get a helper for a few hours a week to do a few chores etc freeing up your mums time. Your mothers will to be independent and a useful person is a great character trait, even if she is becoming physically weaker. I wish you luck and hope you make the best decisions for all of you.

The last problem this has been going on a while if I recall, I remember you not wanting to be bullied. Can you smack him in the face and have it done with , if your company offered you ££££ would you be happy to leave. Perhaps try to think about it as if you were giving someone else advice, don't waste years at a job unhappy.

Have a glass of vino on friday night and a big bike ride to release that seratonin.

Posted 4 months ago #
esselgruntfuttock - Member

Sue, take it from me, things will get better. I went through a crappy time, what with the death of my mum, divorce & the loss of my business & home, all in the same period of time.
It may take a while & sometimes you'll be at the end of your tether (& probably on the drink like me) but It does improve, honestly!!

Hang in & ride your bike lots like I did. It takes your mind off things!

Posted 4 months ago #
nonk - Member

sue i am a north wales based bod and i would reckon your mate with cancer is the same one i knew, i only found out today...it's done my head in all day.
why does this happen to someone like that?

anyway chin up lass in someways it's a reason to be thankfull for what you have got.

Posted 4 months ago #
Woody - Member

All those things happening now and in such a short space of time would knock the wind out of anyone.

You have a good positive attitude though and that will see you through.

Hope it all works out for the best and keep talking, it works wonders.

Posted 4 months ago #
buzz-lightyear - Member

I'm sorry about the loss of your friends. I think you have every reason to feel the way you do. Hang on tight because no doubt things will improve.

Posted 4 months ago #
Kevevs - Member

Sue - we'll get out on that Pentrefoelas ride on Fri if you are still up for it? and you can whinge and moan as much as you like to me over the hills. and shout and swear at the sheeps n cows! It's payday, so I can even get the Cakes in. x

Posted 4 months ago #
Sue_W - Member

nonk - yes, I think it is. He is well known in the outdoor pursuits sector in Wales, a great guy who's done amazing things.

I guess it's cumulative, you can face up to one thing at a time, but when tough news and things to deal with all come at the same time, then it just knocks you back for a while.

But it does remind me to value life and to live for today as none of us know when we will run out of tomorrow's. So, big road ride planned for Friday, leading a group up in the mountains on Saturday, and mountain biking with friends on Sunday.

Posted 4 months ago #
Elfinsafety - Member

Sue; you've bin through stuff recently that would floor most folk completely, but you're a person of incredible strength and courage. No shame at all in having a 'whinge' ffs!

Normal service will return soon.

It will Sue, it will.

X

and shout and swear at the sheeps n cows!

I'd shout and swear at those cahs and sheep; mooching about all over the place, pooing everywhere bang out of order no respect for anyone or anyfing.

It's unacceptable. Give 'em what for fer me an' all.

And kick Kev's arse up them hills.

Posted 4 months ago #
neilnevill - Member

Big hug! You've got friends here, hope the tear turns around ASAP

Posted 4 months ago #
emsz - Member

If it makes you feel better Sue W I'm still up, can't sleep, I really think Sara is going to call it off any day soon. We row about the smallest things, she comes down here , and spends all her time working on textbooks from Uni, I know she's finding it hard, but I wish she would just relax a bit. She says all the right things, but I feel like I'm walking on eggshells, and that's so tiring. Xmas was OK, but she suddenly announced she was going to stay with a mate from school, organised on FB, just went...

Don't know what to do, don't wanna be dumped, face is all puffy, been crying a bit.

Posted 4 months ago #
Elfinsafety - Member

Emsz you should get in touch with Sue via email (I'm sure it's in her profile, or you can email me and I'll pass any message on), cos you get on well on here, and it's soo good to have a network of people to chat to about stuff, even if they are strangers. Like a support network innit? Sue's an incredible person and a great listener, and sharing problems can really help with coming to terms with things and dealing with stuff.

One of the best people I've met off here I did so cos of laste night 'voice in the dark' type ramblings.

You don't need to be alone with stuff; the technology we have now gives us such great opportunities to connect with others. Daft not to use it.

So send her an email. I'm sure she'll be happy to chat with you.

And you best send me an email too; gotta sort out a bit of clubbing, innit? And I'm usually up and about in the small wee hours anyway. Insomnia kind of does that.

X

Posted 4 months ago #
Kevevs - Member

I guess we wouldn't appreciate the good stuff quite so much without the bad stuff. But to be able to really feel it and express it either way is surely what being alive is all about.

Posted 4 months ago #
ononeorange - Member

Sue, if you call that a whinge, hats off to you. You're clearly made of strong stuff what with all that happening in such a short space of time - and I've never met you but - as pointed out above - on here you're always decency and kindness personified and you must be the same in real life.

Bad things do seem to have habit of knocking around with their mates and all coming together, that's because they're cowards really and you can beat them standing up to them.

Tails put it better than I can above so I won't repeat it, but all the very best.

Posted 4 months ago #
lowey - Member

So sorry to hear Sue... life can be real tough sometimes, but you gave me some good encouragement at the start of my nightmares last year. Life goes on, these are just tests that are sent to make you ultimately stronger.

Get out as much as you can, ride your bike in shit weather with good mates, or go for a good long walk... get out and keep busy.

Chin up girl, remember, when your going through hell, keep on going.

Posted 4 months ago #
psling - Member

Sue, you seem to be quite a deep person and have a lot to deal with at the moment. I can offer no advise I'm afraid but Im going to suggest something that I think may appeal to you. It is a book by Jim Perrin called West: A Journey Through the Landscapes of Loss. It's quite hard reading, his language can be unnecessarily prosaic at times and the whole book needs to be read to put some order into it! But... I think you would appreciate his writing, just a feeling

Posted 4 months ago #
sharki - Member

I'm not good with words, so can only echo what has already been said on here.

fresh air, exercise and get ya self a good dose of fun company to be around to feed off them for a bit for a lift.

I'll give the demons a kick for you next time I see them.

Posted 4 months ago #
binners - Member

Keep smiling Sue! It annoys certain types of people. And lets face it, there's nothing more rewarding than that

Posted 4 months ago #
mogrim - Member

The last problem this has been going on a while if I recall, I remember you not wanting to be bullied. Can you smack him in the face and have it done with , if your company offered you ££££ would you be happy to leave. Perhaps try to think about it as if you were giving someone else advice, don't waste years at a job unhappy.

This - don't waste years hoping for some kind of "justice", if another job offer comes along get out asap.

As for the rest, there's not much more that to add to what everyone else has said. Things will get better, and go scream at the "cahs", you know it makes sense

Posted 4 months ago #
Diane - Member

Oh Sue that is so much to cope with. Hang on in there - time will help I guess and knowing you are doing the right thing with the situation at work hopefully give you strength. So much going on - unashamedly use your friends or whatever it takes- I think you will need to. x

Posted 4 months ago #
philconsequence - Member

a very wise lady once said:

I guess it's cumulative, you can face up to one thing at a time, but when tough news and things to deal with all come at the same time, then it just knocks you back for a while.

But it does remind me to value life and to live for today as none of us know when we will run out of tomorrow's

as above... things will get better, and you sound like you're a fantastically strong person with more than enough inner strength to get through such times xx

Posted 4 months ago #
nickf - Member

Sue, we have all been there (or will do). People die, and not necessarily when expected. That's not to sound trite, or to try in any way to minimise your loss, but to point out that you will face this a lot over the years as you age. Be sad about your friend who died, support the friend whose child has died. But live for the future.

The work issue - you may well be in the right, but be realistic. All harassment cases are awful (for both sides - I was accused of this some years back), and you've got to step back and let it grind its way through. There's probably not a lot you can do on this at the moment, so there's no point in worrying.

The one thing you can really do is address, positively, what to do about your brother. Your mother may well not want to let him go because of the emotional attachment, but she may well be reassured if she feels there's a good support system for him if she steps back. You can help her with this, surely? Rather than spending time worrying, spend that same time doing something positive, even if ionly to chase the social services in your brother's area to sort out his care. That gets the guilt monkey off your back and helps your mother at the same time.

You have to live for today. None of us know when our number is up, and it could be yours tomorrow.

I'm 46 and statistically will see maybe 30 more summers. I've got a huge amount to cram in, and I've realised that I'm running out of time to do all the things I want to do. I just don't have time in my life to fret on things, because any time I spend on that is time I could be spending on positive things.

Emsz - hard for me to give advice on relationships, but yours sounds like many I've known. All I can say is that when you're tense, you'll only be fuelling a fairly negative atmosphere. Can't you both go and do something different? Doesn't have to me a romantic weekend away or anything, but try something that neither of you do, like badminton or abseiling, somthing that you do together but in a new environment.

(btw, this is what tedious conference calls were invented for - dispensing half-arsed advice to people you know only on the internet. Life is strange!)

Posted 4 months ago #
Sue_W - Member

Thanks folks. I really appreciate your kind words and support ... and it does make a difference.

Ready to face another day today, and accept that some things we have to just go through and ride with the emotions for a while. I need to be there for those for whom it is hardest - the families who have lost someone, and my mum and my brother as they both face a massive change in life with a lot of fear and emotion attached.

As for work - I'm going to go and kick a*se

emsz - really sorry to hear that, hope you're feeling a bit better this morning (nothing worse than feeling down in the wee small hours). My e-mail isn't in my profile, but if you want to get in touch you can get hold of me through people like cinnamon_girl; TJ or Elfin.

Posted 4 months ago #
sharkbait - Member

nonk - yes, I think it is. He is well known in the outdoor pursuits sector in Wales, a great guy who's done amazing things.

Chances are that a very good friend of mine would have been his consultant. She obviously deals with this stuff constantly and has lost a good friend of hers to cancer too. I'm always amazed how well she deals with it all and she really lives life to the full.

Posted 4 months ago #
stumpy01 - Member

Oh god! I come on here and think I have a reason to moan, be moody & stuff. Then I read about the things that other people have to deal with and suddenly feel very humbled & rubbish!

Sounds like you have a lot on your plate and as you say, it's when it all comes at once that you feel like it's all beginning to swamp you.

I can't offer any advice as I don't really have any. But, other people above have said things far more helpful than I could say.
From your previous posts, you seem like the sort of person who will get through all this and come out smiling.

Best wishes for it all and winge away!

Posted 4 months ago #
Sue_W - Member

tails / nickf: you're right, the situation with my mother and brother is something that I can try to act on, rather than just be affected by.

In part, it has reached this 'reality' point, as we have finally persuaded my mother to acknowledge that she / my bother needs greater support. My mother is in her 70's and my bother is 40, and she has been his 24 / 7 carer all his life. So in effect, being my brother's carer IS my mother's life, and crucially is central to her identity and sense of value.

She had a meeting yesterday with social services, who were very good, and recommended a number of options for support. This included suggesting that my brother spends one day a week at a supportive living community about 40 miles away, with the opportunity to gradually extend this. Many disabled people live there full time, and I have had a look and what they offer appears very good.

However, for my mother, this means she is now facing up to acknowledging that she won't be caring full time for my brother forever, and this is made harder as it involves also facing up to her own mortality in the future. The trouble is, she really doesn't want to let my brother go, and does not have anything else in her life apart from him (and feels she is too old now to start trying to find some interests of her own).

So I am very worried that she will not let my brother gradually move on, and will try to continue without any support which will be very detrimental (and high risk) to both her and my brother. But it is so sensitive, and so difficult to intervene without upsetting her. I love them both, but it is very hard to continue to let my mother ignore the situation as I also need to look out for my brother's well-being, which is now being negatively affected as my mother gets to elderly to care for him properly.

Any advice from anyone who has gone through anything similar?

(Sorry, for the very long post ...)

Posted 4 months ago #
bullheart - Member

Sue,

I'm due to pop over to N.Wales soon for a bike ride.

Wanna meet up, eat cake and chew the fat?

BH

Posted 4 months ago #
nickf - Member

Sue, drop me a mail per profile. My niece is severely disabled, and my sister is facing the same issues as your mother.

Posted 4 months ago #
Elfinsafety - Member

I'm due to pop over to N.Wales soon for a bike ride.

Ooh! Can I come?

(Sorry, for the very long post ...)

Stop apologising! Why are you apologising for such things? You don't need to. If sumat needs to be said, then it needs to be said, no matter how many words it takes.

That's what the forum is for; to get things off yer chest, seek advice on stuff and for people to communicate. That's it's strength.

(Apparently there's sumat about bikes too I've heard but that may just be a rumour)

Emsz; as Sue sez, just email me and I'll pass on yer message to Sue.

Posted 4 months ago #
Sue_W - Member

Bullheart - you mentioned cake ... I'm so there! Let me know when you're heading up this way (and don't tell that Elfinsafety chap 'cos he's just trying to get his hands on my Titus ...)

nickf - many thanks. Will e-mail you tonight.

Cheers all

Posted 4 months ago #
TandemJeremy - Member

I don't have a huge lot to add in general other than to offere a virtual hug.

AS for the situation with your brother and your mum - it seems like you have a good handle on the issues and its obviously hard to reconcile it all.

Can there be more help brought into the house for them? depends on what care he needs. I can understand your mothers reluctance to let him go to a community miles away.

Gradually and gently is the key I guess - this does not have to be resolved now but over months. The idea is in your mums head now - give it time to sink in then bring it back up in future. Do not try to force your mum into things - give her information and ideas and let her accept them.

Self help groups can often be very useful as a source of information.

Good luck

Posted 4 months ago #
singletrackmind - Member

YGM

Posted 4 months ago #