Telling kids that grandads got cancer...

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Telling kids that grandads got cancer...

37 posts & 31 voices | Started 5 months ago by Zulu-Eleven | Latest reply from grantway

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Zulu-Eleven - Member

Hi all

my Dad, early 70's was diagnosed with cancer this week, Melanoma, too soon for a proper prognisis or anything, so he's in hospital getting some tests & we're waitng for that at the moment - out of the blue as its been asymptomatic so far.

Ho hum, thats life, we're all pretty philosophical, I've told him not to expect any expensive treatments, and that its probably his own fault for spending thirty odd years as a smoker - but Mum says I'm not allowed to take him for a walk in the woods and shoot him just yet

however my girls (11 & 14) are really attached to Grandad, and I'm wondering what and when its right to tell them.

clearly not a good time to discuss it with them being Christmas, so I'm going to try and hold off telling them anything till the new year (by which time we should have a prognosis I guess) but obviously its the time to be visiting family over the hols, so if he's still in, then I don't know whether to say something or to try and gloss over it till the new year.

anyone been on the end of it? is it better to keep them informed from the start, or tell them nothing so they don't worry?

does anyone think than when we do tell them, that its better to just say grandad is poorly, or to tell them what it is and explain?

any experienced views welcome

Posted 5 months ago #
philconsequence - Member

if it was me i'd bite the bullet and tell them, completely honest about it all, no prognosis at the moment etc..... if they love him then they'll value christmas with him so much more

but i'm not a parent, and my parents told me everything like that so i'm only looking at it from one side

i'm sorry to hear about your dad! fingers, toes and nuts all crossed for him

EDIt - if they see you're relaxed about it then that calm attitude rubs off, equally if they see you get upset about it they'll understand and a hug from your kids at that moment is a special thing i'd guess.

Posted 5 months ago #
matthew_h - Member

I completely agree with Phil. I would suggest telling them but in an entirely matter of fact way with no sensationalism to educate them. They're probably old enough to understand and it's better IMO that they know nice and early rather than only finding out when it might be too late

Posted 5 months ago #
CaptainFlashheart - Member

I too agree with Phil.

All appendages crossed....

Posted 5 months ago #
TandemJeremy - Member

If you can avoid telling them until after Christmas I would. However don't gloss over anything too much - they will spot it and kids are resilient and accept stuff well. Better to tell them that fib to avoid telling them

Knowing a prognosis would be helpful as well

When you do tell them I would tend towards being open with them and tell them everything ( although you might get away with a bit of a positive slant) - you are in a better position to judge but they are perhpas old enough to understand

Posted 5 months ago #
ton - Member

i would wait till after xmas mate........and to make sure you are telling them what the proper prognosis is.

proper ba5tard of a situation, fingers crossed and best wishes mate.

Posted 5 months ago #
geetee1972 - Member

My grandmother died a very long and protracted death from lung cancer (adult life long smoker). I was 9 at the time she got ill and 10 when she finally died. I knew she was ill, but I don't think I knew she was definitely going to die from it, although I know now that this was something we knew because she was being nursed in a hospice.

The night she died my parents came and woke me up to tell me. It wasn't too late, maybe 9pm, but for some reason I asked if I could go with my dad and grandfather to see her. It seems pretty progressive now to think that my parents were comfortable lettinga 10 year old go and see their dead grandmother, but looking back, the experience was profound and terribly important.

I remember thinking she looked very still, very peaceful, grey and she was very cold (I actually gave her a kiss goodbye and I won't ever forget the coldness of her skin). None of this was traumatic, just very sad.

What am I trying to say?

I think you should trust your daughters as being adult enough to deal with this, especially the 14 year old. Trusting her to deal with this information would show her you see her as an adult and I think most 14 year olds would feel good about this, even if they feel bad about the situation. Your 11 year old may be too young to fully comprehend what might happen, but telling them is still important.

I never knew that my grandmother was definitely going to die, but knowing that she was very ill didn't impact negatively on me.

Far from it; I have never even so much as drawn smoke from a cigarette let alone smoke a full one and the awareness of cancer means I am now a lot more careful with taking care of myself (falling off my bike aside).

Finally, to you, I hope you bear up and get through this.

Posted 5 months ago #
Ming the Merciless - Member

Tell them (after xmas), as someone who was a teenager (probably 16) in that position (grandad had lung cancer) the family did everything not to tell me and my younger brother how serious things were, even by the time I was 18 I still was not getting the facts so when he died it came as a bit of a shock and something I still feel a bit bitter about.

Posted 5 months ago #
lowey - Member

Having been in this situation earlier on this year when my mum died, Tell them now. You will be very surprised at how strong they will be at that age. Treat them like what they are, grown up girls. They will feel much more included and will no doubt lend a lot of support to you as well as vise versa. Do not run the risk of them find out by some other means, these things have a habit of coming out via all manner of ways.

Really sorry to hear about your Dad.

Posted 5 months ago #
freeagent - Member

I'd tell them, but I'd wait until he's had the tests and you've got some facts.
Waiting a couple of weeks and getting Christmas out of the way isn't going to hurt.

You could ask your Dad what he thinks about telling them - he might want to be there, or tell them himself?

Posted 5 months ago #
philconsequence - Member

considering the topic of this thread i REALLY hope it doesn't turn into a typical STW parenting argument. My apologies for my post earlier...bit hungover from last night and sentences are a bit of a mission at the moment.

my dad, stepmum and mum all have cancer at the moment, i know i dont exactly come across as the most sensible chap on here but if you ever need to offload... even just writing down how shit it all feels at times please do not hesitate to get in contact.

Posted 5 months ago #
mrlugz - Member

I have just gone through it with my stepdad. He died on the 27th November. My 2 boys are 4 and 11.

We held off telling the eldest anything until we were sure of the outcome. Just told him that Granda was very poorly.
We figured the youngest was too young to be told anything.

Both of them were attached to Granda but both seem to be coping very well.

Best wishes Zulu-Eleven

Posted 5 months ago #
Zulu-Eleven - Member

cheers for the help guys - yeah, its nice to hear different opinions on it, I'm pretty much thinking the "wait till we've got a prognosis" approach is best at the moment, and tell them when we at least know that.

Now, what about his Christmas present?

http://www.easyjet.com/EN/Planning/Destinations/Geneva.html

Posted 5 months ago #
deadlydarcy - Member

I wouldn't really know to be honest Zulu. I guess you know your kids better than anyone. Just wanted to say all the best. It's never a good time to get news like this. Hope you all have a good festive season whatever you choose to do. All the best fella.

Posted 5 months ago #
KT1973 - Member

Ski holiday would be good, and I agree to wait until after the festivities and I would also tell your Dad your plans to do so.
Fingers crossed I hope he gets better and I hope the kids have a good xmas.

Posted 5 months ago #
don simon - Member

A friend of mine's husband died a few years ago leaving a little girl behind, she wa too young to know at the time but has been told in an honest and truthful way.
The little 'un will talk about her daddy's death quite openly and without fear to a degree that makes me uncomfortable. She recently turned 8.
I'm not going to tell you what is right or wrong, you'll know and you'll do the right thing.
Wishing you a peaceful Christmas.

Posted 5 months ago #
scuzz - Member

Tell them when you're comfortable telling them - the only problems which can arise are if you don't tell them until it's too late, or if they sense something's up before you tell them.

I was 11 when my mum was diagnosed with Cancer, my parents turned the TV off with my brother, sister and I in the room and just said "We've got something important to tell you..."
I didn't have a clue at that age what it all meant, really. It was only my brother and sister's behaviour that told me something was wrong.

I feel a Christmas without it hanging over them is best. It wouldn't be best for them to associate every Christmas for the rest of their lives with this. Forced memories are unpleasant.
Fingers crossed

Posted 5 months ago #
epicyclo - Member

Tell then now.

It may happen quicker than you expect.

Posted 5 months ago #
cinnamon_girl - Member

I am sorry to hear that Zulu.

Your daughters are old enough to be told the truth so be honest and open with them, sooner rather than later.

Do hope nevertheless that things aren't as bad as you fear.

Posted 5 months ago #
MarkyG82 - Member

I don't have kids and my nephew is only 18 months. My mum is going through recovery at moment. And my dad has some sort of heart issue diagnosed earlier this year. They are really bad at telling me stuff unless I ask and id prefere to be told straight.

I say tell them. As they're your kids you know them better than anyone. You'll know how to tell them when the time comes.

Good luck and think positive.

Posted 5 months ago #
jwt - Member

Xmas 2001, my daughter was three weeks old, went to visit the folks who had my Grandad round for Xmas to say hello with her. We were due to go home around 8 ish, but I got this weird feeling that I should stay and have the craic with my Grandad and for some reason it quite upset me. The wife was fine with me staying as we literally lived round the corner. Finally got home around 2am having had a great nite with dad and grandad. He went home and died in the February without any warning.
If it was me I'd tell them. Children are often much stronger than we think.
Either way good luck.

Posted 5 months ago #
poly - Member

There is probably no right or wrong answer, but personally I'd tell them now.

knowing a prognosis would be helpful as well

I'm not sure it would. Most adults aren't actually that good at understanding the prognosis of loved ones, never mind children.

Personally I'd explain he is not very well, and probably that he has cancer, and nobody knows much more at the moment. By introducing the idea over a period of time I think you make it more 'digestable', regardless of whether the ultimate prognosis is good or bad.

Posted 5 months ago #
TandemJeremy - Member

Poly - what I meant was once you know the prognosis its easier to decide what to tell the kids. However what you say is a perfectly valid way of doing it as well

Posted 5 months ago #
easygirl - Member

Been through this exact situation
I told my kids ,15 and 17 at the time straight away
They dealt with it, and we're able to support us and their grandparents.
Things can happen quickly with cancers, and we thought they should know ASAP
Things did happen very quickly in my dads case, but after 13 months he's still with us !

Posted 5 months ago #
martinhutch - Member

I would advise waiting until you know what stage the cancer is at - whether it is confined to the original skin lesion or is it more widespread.

With melanoma, it makes a big difference to the prognosis, and the kind of conversation you need to have with your kids, and as he is asymptomatic, it can wait a few weeks.

Good luck - hope you manage to have an OK Christmas.

Posted 5 months ago #
mastiles_fanylion - Member

I haven't read any of the above but I will add my thoughts.

Lost mum to lung cancer back in June and I have two nieces of 13 and 14 - my brother has always strongly believed in telling them the truth about anything and everything and not hiding things from them. They were very attached to nana (went to see her every Sunday for a meal, often popped round) but they are kids - kids are amazingly resilient and can brush that stuff off much more easily than you could possibly imagine as an adult.

I would lean towards not telling them until after Christmas though *if* you know his prospects are relatively positive (ie, he is expected to live well into the coming year/s). If he is expected to go downhill quickly then it would be better to tell them straight away so they can be prepared and enjoy their last Christmas with him.

In my mum's case it all happened very quickly - Feb 2010 tests said she was fine, and the chest pains were nothing to worry about, retested in September 2010 and was told it was probably cancer, more invasive testing later and she had a major lung op over Christmas last year, went downhill a bit in April (we assumed dust due to the chemo drugs) and died at the end of June. Our nieces always knew just what was going on and were able to prepare themselves for the inevitable.

Posted 5 months ago #
Zulu-Eleven - Member

Oops

I made a typo in the original post - its Myeloma

which is, of course, much worse news and drops the survival rates quite a lot

thanks once again for the advice guys

Posted 5 months ago #
Junkyard - Member

Tough call but you know your kids better than we do and you know how they will best cope with it - I suspect I would get through Xmas without a word and then decide how to handle it tbh.

My parents did not tell me about my grandad and I never knew [ 10 at the time] there is so much I would have said to him if i had known and had the chance to do it- whatever happens you cannot protect them form the consequences of this but you will know how they will best cope with it.

Good luck and chin up at this difficult time.
Glad you have kept your humour it will help to be able to laugh at this time and Best wishes for you all at this time

Posted 5 months ago #
martinhutch - Member

Advice remains roughly the same though. He's not massively symptomatic, and sometimes myeloma can be very slow growing, so it's worth waiting and finding out more so you can give a clear message to your kids.

Posted 5 months ago #
crikey - Member

Z-11, I'm off here for the foreseeable future, but still lurking. If you want any hospital related 'who do I talk to' or 'how do I get' info, shout out.
All the best fella.

Posted 5 months ago #
Lionheart - Member

Great book in this context for kids and grown up kids

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Looking-Atlantis-Colin-Thompson/dp/1741662338/ref=ntt_at_ep_dpt_1

Posted 5 months ago #
Martin B - Member

To mirror some of the sintimants above
Open, Honest, Frank info is what they need now
Definately feel that they are old enough to understand
Good luck with whatever route you take
Mart

Posted 5 months ago #
project - Member

Best wishes to your father, been there and its a real upseting thing to happen, some kids cope with it, and some dont, i didnt and i was well old when the GP, told me first, and had to sit there a few days latter as my dad told me.

Be strong for your dad.

Posted 5 months ago #
druidh - Member

First of all, my heart goes out to you. I've been through this recently and know how it feels.

My daughter had not long turned 13 when my father was going through cancer therapy. We weren't sure how successful this was going to be but we could see he was rapidly going downhill before Christmas and there was a likelihood it might be his last. We "sort of" told her and she "sort of" picked up what was going on. I let her decide how much she wanted to know.

Within a year, my mother was also taken by cancer. This time, she was (a) much more aware of it and also (b) less wanting to know too much about it.

I think you can drop some hints and let them decide how much they want to know.

Posted 5 months ago #
Gary_M - Member

Tell them straight away, they're at an age where they're robust and wise enough to deal with it.

Just been through a similar thing myself. My mum was diagnosed with cancer earlier this year and we told our then 13 year old son straight away. He's dealt with it very well, yours will too.

Hope all goes well, it's a tough time.

Posted 5 months ago #

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