http://www.velominati.com/the-rules/

I thought it might be fun to write an appendix to the rules specifically with regards to our sport, I know that the rules do mention some aspects of mountain biking but it was clearly written some years ago and could do with updating. Think about all the disciplines of our sport, XC, Cyclocross, freeride, downhill etc,
think about all the sub genres: trail centre riding, downhill, big natural rides, bridleways, bike packing, canals, cheeky riding etc. Think about all the things that we argue about on here: tyre choice, wheel sizes, hard tail, full sus, rigid. Think about kit, components, vehicles, food & drink. Think about everything and come up with your suggestions, for bonus points write a short paragraph in the same humorous condescending style explaining about your suggestion. Anyway here’s one to start off:

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Rule #1.
Always wave to sour faced roadies.

If you do happen to find yourself on a road passing a roadie coming the other way make sure you wave hello. They love it and it serves to ascertain if they are friendly or not and if not to encourage them to be. If they are friendly they will wave or nod back but if they don’t then they personify the sour faced roadie stereotype and will allow you an example when you pointlessly vent on the internet forum of your choice. Your sport is fun, their’s is not, take every chance to remind them of this.

Rule #X – White socks are banned.

Rule #0 – rules are for roadies.

Rule #Y

No rider shall be ready to go at the agreed time, they must first spend a minimum of twenty minutes sorting out their shit in the car park before finally announcing that they’re “about set”.

Does anyone else find this stuff really sad, even when it’s done in jest?

The freedom of cycling reduced to pathetic narrow mindedness and a desparate need to conform.

Funny how those who are the most insistant that ‘it’s all a joke’ are the most desparate to obey.

Anyway 🙂

Thou shalt believe what the scribes and marketeers tell you to believe, for they have your best interests at heart.

Rule #Y

No rider shall be ready to go at the agreed time, they must first spend a minimum of twenty minutes sorting out their shit in the car park before finally announcing that they’re “about set”.

I don’t resemble that at all 😳

Rule #22 26 is all wrong and always has been. It should have always been 650B and will be so until we decide that it should really have been 650.00001B

Rule 42

All bikes being ridden by amateur bike repairers will develop an unidentifiable creak whilst being ridden

Think about all the disciplines of our sport, XC, Cyclocross

I don’t think cx is a discipline of mountain biking.

Why would you wave to people? Nod, say hello, raise a hand maybe, but wave – no ta.

Here’s one
Thou shall not carry more than is necessary to enjoy a ride – no over filled massively large rucksacks with huge volumes of water contained within.

Does anyone else find this stuff really sad, even when it’s done in jest?

Nope. It’s a pretty funny way way to laugh at ourselves. Some of it is true and we conform to the stereo type, some are reasonable sensible, and others a ridiculous. It’s all fun and games. Get out and ride your bike you old cynic 😉

No rider shall be ready to go at the agreed time, they must first spend a minimum of twenty minutes sorting out their shit in the car park before finally announcing that they’re “about set”

at which point someone else will cry “puncture!”

and once that’s fixed another car load of STWers will roll into the car park uttering “bloody traffic, be with you in a minute”

muppetWrangler – Member
Rule #Y

No rider shall be ready to go at the agreed time, they must first spend a minimum of twenty minutes sorting out their shit in the car park before finally announcing that they’re “about set”.

that’s known as the ‘car-park faffage’ rule.

For me it’s the ‘always have fun’ rule with the expanation simply the quote from Jacquie Phelan (or Alice B. Toeclips):

Until mountain biking came along, the bike scene was ruled by a small elite cadre of people who seemed allergic to enthusiasm.

Rule #23

In converstion, when referring to your off-road bicycle, use one of the following terms:

Rig
Ride
Steed
Wheels
Gnarpoon
Dandyhorse
Leg-Powered-Love-Machine

Rule #LOL – UR BIK IZ SARACIN!!!!!!1111oneoneone

Don’t be a sheep

Rule# twelftyeleven – anyone found replacing disc pads/cassettes/chains in the carpark, immediately prior to a ride is automatically excluded from the ride, tarred and feathered.

Rule #1 Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the law.

Rule# twelftyeleven – anyone found replacing disc pads/cassettes/chains in the carpark, immediately prior to a ride is automatically excluded from the ride, tarred and feathered.

twelvetyeleven.none – anyone caught adjusting shock pressures mid ride for a specific bit of trail WILL be left behind.

For group rides, groups should include as many of the following as possible :

1 person who can’t ride uphill
1 person who can’t ride downhill
1 person whose bike costs more than everyone else’s put together
1 person whose bike hasn’t been seen oil in the current decade
1 racing snake who ate half a tangerine 3 days ago
1 tubster who ate a whole Black Forest gateau whilst waiting for the others to turn up
1 person with no tools, food or spare clothing
1 person with a huge rucksack containing an entire CRC warehouse
1 youngster who’s going to turn pro any day now
1 old codger who reluctantly admits to being an ex National Champion

For small groups, some of the above may need to be combined in the same person

brakes – Member
Rule #0 – rules are for roadies.

This [/thread]

1 person who can’t ride uphill
1 person who can’t ride downhill
1 tubster who ate a whole Black Forest gateau whilst waiting for the others to turn up

For small groups, some of the above may need to be combined in the same person

Hiya! 🙂

No rider shall be ready to go at the agreed time, they must first spend a minimum of twenty minutes sorting out their shit in the car park before finally announcing that they’re “about set”.

Surely the rule should be that one rider – no more and no less – shall be set to go at the agreed time. They will then proceed to ride around in circles for twenty minutes getting increasingly irate until their companions finish sorting their shit by which point the one prepared rider will be so het up that they can’t enjoy the first half hour of the ride.

Lycra shorts, while acceptable for some forms of MTB, shall not be worn on a bike with 140mm or more of suspension. Full length lycra is acceptable on all bikes for winter night rides.
Lycra, if worn externally, shall be black below the waist and black or coloured above.
White lycra maybe construed as gross misconduct resulting in a lifetime ban.

Can I trot out my STW rules that I did many years ago

Rule 99 the only person who failed to bring a spare inner tube or patches will repeatedly puncture until they have consumed the groups entire collection of spares and patches at which point one of the others will puncture.

As amusing (intentionally or unintentionally) those rules are, the only ones you need are…

[list][*]Ride your bike
[/*][*]Have fun with your mates[/*][*]Eat cake[/*][/list]
Anything else is just pretentious – unless you’re a Professional (which is not the case for a vast majority of riders.

Most of the ‘rules’ provided by people above are not actually rules – just certainties. 😉

DavidB – chapeau sir, chapeau.

ROFLMAO 😉

Rule 27: Hora has probably bought part of his bike off you.

Anything else is just pretentious – unless you’re a Professional (which is not the case for a vast majority of riders.

Rule 28: Anyone claiming they don’t need or follow rules and is a person not a number and cannot be pidgeonholed or ringfenced like a unicorn, is actualy just an attention seeker. And probably wears baggy shorts.

Rule 29 – you’re probably riding one of Hora’s old frames.

rusty90, you have just described our little riding tribe near perfectly, all it needs is a hip flask swilling attention whore on a singlespeed.

Rule 30: The forum shall frequently refer to coffee, primeraly the making of and buying beans. The more niche the procured beans and method of brewing the greater the forum members chances of “winning the internet”.

Rule 31: Anyone actualy seen drinking coffee shall be cast out of the group as a closset roadie or hipster.

Some of the ‘cheeky trails’ ethics ought to be included.

Plenty of anti-rules in this:

(It’s a pretty good read, actually)

Rules of Faff!

1) Faffing to be kept to a minimum.
2) If you faff, expect abuse.
3) Preride faffs are to be kept short, riders can be left and made to catch up if excessive faffing occurs. The Pre-ride faffing also determines the Faff Order (see point 5).

4) Faff Stops.
a) A rider can call a faff stop assuming its his turn in the Faff Order.
b) Whilst the Calling Rider is faffing, other riders may pre-emptive faff.
c) However the Pre-emptive faffing will cease as soon as the Calling Rider is ready to ride.

5) The Faff Order
a-i) The faff order is determined by the order in which riders are ready to ride.
a-ii) Ready to Ride means astride Bike, with camelbak and helmet on.
b-i) Alternatively the Faff order is determined by the order in which people arrive at the start of the group ride when the riders are arriving by bike.
b-ii) However if a rider starts to faff at the meeting point delaying the start of the group ride they are automatically placed last in the Faff Order.

6) Mechanical Faffs
a) A mechanical Faff can only be called outside of the normal Faff Order rules if the mechanical makes the unrideable
b) Whether the bike is unrideable is decided by the rest of the group not the would be Faffer.
c) The quickest method of fixing the mechanical must be taken. eg Replace the tube don’t patch it.

7) Picture Faffs
a) Entirely acceptable as long as the group is not held up.
b) No pre-emptive faffing can take place on a Picture Faff.

8) Sneaky Faffs
a) Sneaky Faff’s are acceptable as long as the sneaky Faffer, sprints ahead of the pack and finishes their faff before the pack catches up.
b) Sneaky Faff’s are only for food and clothing faffs.

9) Extreme weather Faffs
a) If the weather changes in the extreme, an Extreme Weather Faff can be called and one and all can put jackets on in the case of a downpour.
b) Drizzle or the sun coming from behind a cloud do NOT count as extreme weather.

10) Faffing during scheduled food stops.
a) Any faffing particularly of the mechanical kind should take place whilst people are eating.
b) Unless the faffer is the next in the Faff Order, when he/she can spend his/her turn.

11) Medical faff’s
a) Medical Faffs can be taken out of turn but:
b) No blood, no Faff
c) Unless your Ashmatic/HayFevery/or something similarly annoying.
d) Glasses faffs don’t count for out of turn Faffs.

Rule X : If you ride a SS CX bike you must have a beard.

Oh excellent:
– Rides will start at the appointed time – no exceptions.
– You will always start your ride with a clean well maintained bike. Well maintained bikes break less often.
– Always start a ride with clean kit.
– Mudguards are only for use when it is wet.
– Black round tyres are what you need.
– Always be able to fix your own bike. Expect abuse if you can’t.
– if someone is fixing their bike mid ride and holding up the ride it is acceptable to offer helpful or amusing advice.
– Always check riders with broken bikes are able to fix them – if they can’t offer advice and maybe help them if they are likely to die as a result if their own failure.
– Camelbacks are for riding in mountains – a all toolkit and bottle is all you need the flatlands.
– You do not need a full face helmet for Swinley.
– If at any point you are concerned about going over the bars let go of your front brake.
– Needs new skills go and see Jedi.
– 26 is dead – get over it.
– Any mountain bike is fine for any mountain bike trail.
– Learn about weather forecasts and local geology this way you will have a good understanding of what a trail will be like without having to ask every five minutes.
– Learn how to fix your bike or take it to a shop and don’t moan about the service.
– If you never ride in Winter don’t moan about the pace of a group ride when you get back in the saddle in the spring. – MTFU and dry your eyes.
– If you ride in wet sand your transmission will break quickly and your brake pads will fall apart. You have a choice.
– Road biking is entirely acceptable when the weather is poor.
– Lycra shorts are for racing and ladies only.
– If in doubt road bike rules provide a useful guide.

That’s my bit for the time being.

– 26 is dead – get over it.
– Any mountain bike is fine for any mountain bike trail.

Erm. Right.

1. Sod it
2. See rule one

CFH – well spotted!! 😉

– You do not need a full face helmet for Swinley.

I once kept a guy company while we waited for the ambulance. He’d donated a significant ammount of his face to the downslope of the tabletop on Red 15.

– You will always start your ride with a clean well maintained bike. Well maintained bikes break less often.
– Always start a ride with clean kit.

Pfffftttttttt, now that I’ve got rid of the CrankBros pedals my bike is actualy invincible* to mud and will never be cleaned again.

How about, thou (shortcut) shall not buy mavic wheelsets, then moan when they inevitably fall apart and the proprietory parts that make them up take months on back order?

*as long as my rear hub doesn’t split appart again, and for some unfathomable reason I’ve bought some organic brake pads.