At some point in the future, I expect I'll need to use the loo. What's the best way to wipe? Left handed or right handed? Remain seated or stand? How to cope when you're only provided with those single sheet dispensers? Use socks, boxers or a buff in the case of their being no paper provided at all? What newspaper should I read whilst using the facilities? Open the window, use the extractor, or both?

Maybe use a bald rear tyre?

Anyway-what tyres for getting to the hallowed moral highground

Jeremy Kyle should use some of the folk on here in recent weeks.

The best way to wipe is using dead bees.

Using the 'loo' is like sooo last year. Cool types are using bushes or, if not available, filing cabinets.
HTH

I do it doggy style… drag my arse along the floor…

Who Wipes ?

The best way to wipe is using dead bees.

I disagree, the best way is to smear honey on, then release some live bees into the vicinty and let them do the work. Or ants. Then hose down to remove any particulate residue.

For best wipe use a conveyor belt!

Ah, but if you use the conveyor belt, will you actually take-off ?

How would you use the bald rear tyre method? I'm getting images of last week's Shooting Stars with the knickers mounted to a bicycle wheel…

How would you use the bald rear tyre method

Stretch your arms out and lean right back off the end of the saddle.
Then lower ?.

Thinks its referred to as "Wheel O Death"

Don't let your feet slip off the pedals though 😯

Like Baloo the bear scratches himself against a tree

Don't use the standard Fox wipers, get the Enduro ones.