'you must get lots of bruises' was a new one broached to me this weeekend.

That's not a question and I don't know about you but I DO get a lot of bruises.

When I was gainfully employed, my MD once came in on a monday morning and proudly announced to me that he'd bought TWO bikes for £99 from an advert in one of the sunday broad sheets. Its was his 'how'd you like them apples!' tone that was the most amusing.

But then, the man was a complete idiot.

I struggled to say anything in the end, apart from 'That sounds like a bargain' and then walked off to my desk.

My favourite – "I've had my old bike in the shed/garage for a few years now and fancy getting out again… how much do you think it'll cost to get it back on the road?" usually followed by "It was a really good bike when I bought it"

I struggled to say anything in the end, apart from 'That sounds like a bargain' and then walked off to my desk.

Well done. Good restraint!
I'm unable to do anything about my bluntness and I'd have said "You realise they will be utter crap, don't you?"

😳

LOL Peter!

Imagine in a movie when a submarine is being depth-charged and is springing a leak. People running everywhere, shouting, sprays of water coming in at the seams, commanders shouting futile orders, sirens wailing, emergency lighting flickering, hazard lights flashing.

That was the scene inside my head at the time.

'WARNING! CRAP BIKE ALERT! CRAP BIKE ALERT!'
😆

dont you think your to old for that , HOW MUCH .

At that price I'd want it to come with an engine……….

Imagine in a movie when a submarine is being depth-charged and is springing a leak. People running everywhere, shouting, sprays of water coming in at the seams, commanders shouting futile orders, sirens wailing, emergency lighting flickering, hazard lights flashing.

LOL! Yes I can see it….Only with me, the submarine sinks…. 🙂

The other answer is –

"Did they have a telescope?"

**que quizzical look**

"Well, they must have seen you coming..!"

😉

I hate it when people refer to it as 'falling off' the bike – as if I was riding along a tarmac'd footpath and just 'fell off' like a 3-year old. 'Crashing' is what I prefer – makes it sound much more daring 🙂

But yeah, the classic 'I bought a full suspension from Halfords for £150 last week' one is the most difficult. I'm not a tactful man by nature, but I just kind of mumble and walk away…

I usually show people at work a linky of somesort when they ask about mountain biking, shortly followed by, yeah but I bet you cant ride like that. At which point I pull out the proof photo (6 feet up looking good, best photo ever taken of me!!) I carry round for exactly that reason.

"you can always tell the good ones, they never stand up on the pedals"

Well, I'll be buggered if I can get up the Bealach without standing.

8 year old nephew 'wow, how many gears has that got'

Me ' Um 27 gears'

8 year old nephew ' Uh is that all IVE GOT 29 on mine'

Me 🙄

When Faced with the “What do you think of it then?” question by friends/work colleagues with shiny new Halfords bikes, I always opt for the “looks like it’ll do the job, how are you finding it?” approach..
I find if you meet their enthusiasm, head on with more charitable enthusiasm generally you feel like a better person at the end of the conversation…

Odds are once they’ve ridden it for a bit they’ll go one of 2 routes, stick it in the back of the shed or get more serious, start spending money on upgrades and eventually throw silly money away on a fancy bike like you, and the one thing they’ll remember is when they first got into it, you took the piss… I'd rather not be "That Bloke" to be honest…

As for the standard vacuous questions about cost and why more than one bike is needed, and what is actually involved in each discipline I’ve got plenty of stock responses lined up:

-“I’m working my way towards one for each day of the week”

-“More than it could, less than I would have paid”

-“Oh it’s only a waste of money if I don’t ride it”

-“Yes downhill, think of it like Super giant slalom on a bike without the snow”

-“Yes in the dark, less walkers about you see, you only have to avoid the doggers but they’re normally busy”

-“Yes it is 20 miles to work and 20 back, but that 40miles worth of fuel I won’t have to buy and a couple of hours down the Gym I won’t have to pay for, Silver linings eh?”

I was riding along one day and got into conversation with a man, he said:

"My wife asked me why I have four bikes. I told her it's because I don't have room for five".

Loved it.

Odds are once they’ve ridden it for a bit they’ll go one of 2 routes, stick it in the back of the shed or get more serious, start spending money on upgrades and eventually throw silly money away on a fancy bike like you

there are other ways – I don't mind spending huge amounts on cameras which I can exploit but there's no point for me spending much on my bike as I'd not get any benefit from it.

Guy at work having 'upgraded' via Cycle to Work Scheme recently

'Im doing loads of cycling at the moment, did 12 miles on monday, 8 on tuesay and 10 on wednesday…'

And added together that still wasnt as far as i commute each day. Here have a medal.

'You should fix bikes for the lads as a bit of a sideline'… yes i should, so dont pull your face when i tell you that servicing it will cost you X amount.

"How do you find the time to ride your bikes, I'm too busy to do that sort of thing"

… you mean amongst the pub, going for a SAUNA at the gym (no workout, just a sauna), spending more time at the pub and watching TV every single day.

"Can you ride your bikes in winter, isn't it too cold?"

Got this last week when it dipped slightly below zero for the first time. Usually I point out that as long as it's not what I consider too dangerous (i.e. roadbike commute in the snow, heavy fog, too much wind), I don't really care about the temperature.

"OOO ….. Has it go dual expension?"
"for that money I would want an engine in it!"

You need to settle down, get married and stop playing with bikes.

Says a pal cheating on wife with a man, smokes and prays to Allah!??

My folks say the same but I don't have any dirt on them lol

I was asked last week "I've just bought a bike, it's in a box, what do I need to do with it?"
when I asked if he'd opened the box he told me he hadn't but I should know "because I'm a cyclist"

"Can I come and ride with you one weekend"

Cue a miserable day standing in a carpark waiting for them to arrive, having to spend 20 mins fettling their bike to make it work even slightly or cutting short your ride because they're tired.

Last time I just buggered off when they were 15 mins late and told them to call me on arrival. I rode for 3 hours, packed up, got home and then 30 mins later got a call saying "We're here, where are you".

" What? All day? On a push bike?"

And

"Have you got some Kendal Mint Cake on you?"

My mum always says, after a crash(it does sound better than fell off) aren't you too old for that now.

I have a pretty short commute, one that anyone really should be able to manage, and have the following conversation about 3 times a week recently.

'Aren't you frozen?'

'Not really, if I came in the car the heater wouldn't have had time to work, and if I ride fast enough, I soon warm up.'

'You're mad'!

'yeah, you're probably right' (but secretly thinking, yeah, but you're fat, and are a prime candidate for heart dieses)

Let me see,

HOW MUCH???? (The M4's on my singlespeed are worth the same as my car)

You're mad. (Quite possibly right though I revel in it)

How many, but you've only got one arse. (As opposed to being one)

Isn't it time you found a more respinsible passtime. (My Parents and In-Laws faves)

One Gear? (yep, get over it)

Where's the rest of it gone? (I own an xc bike with a Lefty)

Loads more…..bores me how little some people get it. My mates brother was a very serious comp fisherman and thought nothing of spending 3k on a new rod!

When I broke my elbow earlier this year several people said "I always knew exercise was a bad idea". My mum said "why can't you ride the sort of routes your sister rides?" (ie sustrans/old railway lines).

"You must be mad!" Although they also say this about me walking 1 mile to work – "I wouldn't want to walk that far!"

I was asked last week "I've just bought a bike, it's in a box, what do I need to do with it?"

Put it straight into the nearest skip?

"Why did you ride your pushbike in this terrible weather?"
"Well, it's not really a very good idea to ride a motorbike on the snow, is it?"

I also got "Why don't you just get a gym membership" which I liked.

But yeah, it's the dreaded, "Could you take a look". I don't get that now because I "took a look" at a colleague's son's bike and told her it'd cost about £100 to fix. So she took it to someone else who didn't fix it, but at least it was free.

Guy at work having 'upgraded' via Cycle to Work Scheme recently

'Im doing loads of cycling at the moment, did 12 miles on monday, 8 on tuesay and 10 on wednesday…'

And added together that still wasnt as far as i commute each day. Here have a medal.

The guy's obviously liking riding his bike, good for him. Who gives a turd if he's not a mile munching god like you obviously are! 😉

He's riding more than I am at the moment, can't think what that makes me in your eyes…..

You pay THAT much for Taiwanese junk?????

"HaHahahahahahaaha..have you seen the weather? ooooh! its f**cking P**SSING down!! you are going to get SOAKED!!!! hahahahahahahahaha. Im going to laugh at you when I am driving past in my nice warm car hahahahahahahahahaha.

see you tommorrow"

'he's just bought a bmx when he already has a bike. I just use my one for everything'. ( which is £150 fs job) . I am just polite and humour them.
I try to encourage them though. At least he has a bike and he does ride it regulary offroad.

Better than my other colleague who said mtb is 'sad'

My alltime favourite was ' he's broken his bike.. probably standing up on the pedals' LOL

"£3,000 on a bike?!"

"yes, thats less than your season rail ticket and that only lasts a year"

I think the rest have been covered. Peoples' amazement at riding in rain never ceases to er… amaze me. Why don't they realise we have the kit for it – they are in suits and with smart hair that gets trashed by even small amounts of rain unlike my riding kit.

And pointing out politely to all the fatties in the office how much more than them I can and do eat and yet still weigh less than them.

Put it straight into the nearest skip?

Yes specially if it has on-one or ragley on the cardbox 😉

we had to start work at 4am a month back and one of the guys asked "how long will it take you to cycle in at that time?"
"errrrr. about the same time as it takes at 8am, 9am or 10am"

I think for the first time he realized that traffic is not an issue for bikes.

"Do you use ALL those gears?"

"What? You actually RIDE up that mountain?"

"I don't suppose you could fix my gears for me could you?"

But the most common one has got to be the reference to big money/no engine. 🙄

"What do you do when you get a puncture" ? A colleague said,"I remember those solid tyres – now they were a good idea.Have you used them"? (looking at the commute bike & pushing on the tyre,with narrow 26" road tyres fitted at 85psi)

Also, "Doesn't that saddle look uncomfortable I bet you can't ride very far on THAT"!.

I ride 6000miles + a year, won't explain about padded shorts or carbon seat posts 😕

That will look great when it's finished

From a bloke at a BBQ who heard I was a 'fellow cyclist' about my brand new (and complete) fully rigid SS.

Apprently I just needed to fit the gears (possibly a sensible comment) and put the suspension bits onto to forks. I had no idea suspension on forks were fitted after you had fitted a set of fully rigid carbon forks.

His girlfriend was impressed with his knowledge and said that 'when I got good' I could ride with her boyfriend around the sports centre as it was a bit extreme for her.

them:Your package looks huge bet its down to all that padding
me:(straight face) no Its not a pad …look on the smart a$rse's face melting.

another one….On my cannondale:look his bikes snapped/how does the wheel stay on/is it meant to make that creak (bearings need doing see)

"You could buy a car for that"

I could, but I already have two that were far much more than this bike……..Peasant!!!!