Separation and divorce are all very well – but if you want to remain part of your kids’ lives you have to maintain some kind of functional relationship with your ex

A friend of mine, an ex US Army Ranger, managed to convince the court his wife was bat-shit crazy and got full custody of his children – she tried to tell the court he was an abusive drunk (which he wasn’t) and between his intelligent behaviour and his good lawyer they turned it round on her. It can be done. During the breakup she continually tried to test him to breaking point to see if she could make him fly off the hook and do something that would see him lose the children or go to prison. Instead, he calmly documented all the emotional abuse for court. I can’t remember the exact details as it was drawn out over many months.

So I can’t stress this enough, the OP needs to do his best to keep his cool. Stay calm, write down everything she say’s to you in a journal for analysis by lawyers/shrinks and hit record on your smartphone if she starts raging out.

FFS.. I volunteer, doing work with families going through such things. I have a good understanding of how the whole thing works. I often wish we could help people sooner…

For the sake of your child don’t do it at christmas and work on it if you can. That’s all I’ll say. There’s no replacement for a solid family.

Screenprint that Facebook evidence. Keep a diary.
Kicking her out was a mistake though, the courts won’t like that.

She’s back this morning feeling very sorry for herself. Apparently nothing physical as happened between her and this man; this has all been a big ego massage for her and has happened since we first discussed our problems, and is not the catalyst for them. Apparently he started paying her attention at the gym and she let it happen.

She says nothing like this has happened before, and she doesn’t think it would have gone past the flirting stage with this man, she was looking for a distraction from our other issues.

She says she hates herself for failing me, our marriage and our daughter. She says she has told him never to contact her again, and that she has deleted her facebook account.

She seems sincere; but she seemed sincere when I asked whether there was anyone else or anything at all external to our marriage a number of times in the last month. She seemed sincere when I poured my heart out and said that I suspected something was up due to her recent behaviour, and that I felt paranoid and insecure; and she looked me in the eye and promised me that nothing was happening. I don’t know what to think.

well thats brought it into the open, so good for you, she will be feeling bad, who wouldn’t, honesty is often the first casualty, but its the one thing that is needed most in these situations– hold your head high my man, but let her redeem herself if she so wishes.Good luck both

I don’t know what to think.

Neither would I.

But take your time and don’t rush, both of you. This stuff is too important.

@yetanotherone

Your posts from a few days ago show you understand you can move on, you can be optimistic about the future.

The best way forward is councelling from Relate or similar (been there done that) as many have posted if you can work this out it will be best for you all and your daughter, it is possible to emerge with stronger relationship. If you try and you cannot then you know you have the strength to move on, its possible to do that and maintain a great relationship with your daughter.

What I would say is don’t persist like this with no real progress, it needs to either improve or end.

Yetanotherone..

Been there etc..there are several parallels to what I’ve been through. I’m lucky, I don’t have kids so its been a bit simpler for me.

Your misses sounds really confused, grass is greener and all that. My (nearly) ex wife did the same. Instead of talking about the problems she just went looking for the next best thing. I found out about it in a similar way to you, but when I confronted her she flat denied it. It was the lying that got me. It showed an absolute lack of respect.

If you both REALLY do want to save the marriage you’ll need help. Relate or a good counciller. Be prepared for them to help you realise you might be better apart though.

You CAN’T carry on like this.. your head will explode or you will be a miserable shell of a human. It’s no way to live.. I did for 12 months and it damn nearly killed me. Work out what you want, not whats best for everyone and talk it through.

I felt quite a sense of relief when she left and then I began to find out what she’d been up to. It was hard, really hard but every day things got better.. and then I met someone brilliant…. life goes on

keep us updated.. there are some wise words on here.

all the best

I couldn’t think of anything to say other than “hire a private detective” on the first pages and felt that might make matters worse as her complaint is that you’re a control freak, and fan the fire as you do seem to be a little jealous and insecure.

She accuses you of wanting to control everything, you deny it and then go checking her Facebook pages. If she didn’t have sex (I’ll accept a slightly wider definition than Clinton here) then nothing happened – she didn’t lie. She’s entitled to male friends and we all flirt.

We all try to seduce on many levels, we like to be liked, admired even, thought attractive, by our peers and the opposite sex. We like to feel free too, even if in reality we work within a mass of constraints such as work, kids, kids’ activities, the weather, our partners etc..

Put yourself in her shoes, would you feel happy, carefree and in control of your destiny? I might be barking up the wrong tree but I don’t think she’s a nut and she may have a point.

She’s entitled to male friends and we all flirt.

Perhaps the OP could be more specific RE the content of the facebook messages?
Give us the juice.
Really if she said something like “I can’t wait to **** your **** then **** your big ****” ;I’d be pretty dismayed. If it was more like “You were wearing a nice t-shirt in the gym”, then there’s grounds for forgiveness.

Have you considered OP that she may have wanted you (consciously or not) to find out? If someone is having an affair (if that’s what it is), then they surely don’t plaster it all over an external website and/or leave their phone or whatever lying around to be found. It depends as above on what the messages were and also the nuances which you know and clearly I don’t.

It would also explain her apparent confusion when she was upset with you going out. She really wanted you to pay her some attention maybe?

Clearly I may be wrong, but on the basis of what you said I would at least consider that.

It was the lying that got me. It showed an absolute lack of respect.

Never a truer word spoken!

I’d never take her back as relationships are based on trust and you’ll struggle to ever trust her again.

Call me a pessimist but i’d suggest she’s told the gym bloke that she’s left and he’s either told her he just wanted a fling or more likely that he’s probably married/in a relationship already. Now she’s back with her tail between her legs to her safety net.

It’s up to you though isn’t it, only you can make the decision to try and save the relationship? Just don’t spend the next 10 years with her being miserable just to take the best option for your child, life’s too short.

Nothing physical? Sorry I say walk. Adults dont kiss and hold hands. Sorry I’d I wouldn’t believe that. Men and women who start affairs hit sex almost immediately upon affirmation of interest. Its like a drug. Sorry.

Call the gym reception next time she says shes there.

ashmonkey – Member
Yetanotherone. Feel free to pm me, i work with this sort of situation as part of my job. All will be well in good time.

In case you missed the first 3

Men and women who start affairs hit sex almost immediately upon affirmation of interest. Its like a drug.

coming from someone who knows 😉

is there a remote possibility that not everyone does the same thing ?

This exact same situation happened to me in 2006

She also claimed it was over and she was not interested in him… changed phone number blablabla

I didn’t trust her from then on and rightly so as I checked her phone a few weeks later (1st time) and found she had been in constant contact with her new fella, she is now married to him and living in my old home.

I’m also happily re-married with a new 1yr old baby daughter and planning for another, i have 2 teenage kids from first marriage.

My advise is move on as quick as possible and get on with your life…

i.e. get on internet and date as many women as physically possible… oh and ride your bike more often too

She seems sincere

Don’t trust her as far as you can throw her. Horrible thing to say, but the trust has gone.

And yes, keep a journal. Of EVERYTHING that happens. It can help in all aspects of your breakup.

I also don’t think she is being honest

Her story sounds like classic “damage limitation” to me. “what is the minimum I can admit to so I can get away with this”. She has had all night to think her story through

I would prepare yourself for the possibility that the affair started around the time your relationship notably cooled, and involved plenty of physical contact

I could be wrong of course, I think you probably know how honest she is being if you are honest with yoursrlf

Double post

Trust can be recovered with forgiveness.

Never write anything off imo.

Don’t let anger and resentment get in the way of progress. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to the dark side.

Oh wait.. sorry.. what were we talking about again?

Rudebwoy I know a few girls who consistently cheat. I only know one bloke and hes no longer a mate. Girls can be bloody good at it. Blokes get a big head/egotistical.

Its an awful trap, affairs. Chews decent people up. 🙁

Lots of advice on here, most of it pretty good. All I’ll say is that if my next partner lies to me like my ex wife did I’d be gone. My ex changed the name of her “other bloke” in her phone so I wouldn’t recognize the name. This was after months of Relate, “working at it” etc etc. Unfortunately for her she didn’t delete her sent messages so I knew she was still in contact with him even after swearing she had ended it. We were together 23 years. Protect yourself, build a “fighting fund” in a secret account if you can, try as hard as you feel is right to save the relationship and keep your eyes open. Good luck.

Having just read all your posts OP, one thing does intrigue, the not wishing to be seen naked. If you do have a make up shag keep an eye open for bite, rope and whip marks.

Ok we had a long conversation today. She has been in tears all day. She swears on our daughter’s life that nothing physical happened, not even a kiss. She was looking for a distraction and an ego massage, when attention presented itself she accepted it and it made her feel alive. She is deeply sorry and knows how hurt and angry I am, and hates herself for this betrayal.

I have spoken to the bloke’s wife and told her my suspicions, and that she should ask him some questions (the joys of lax privacy on facebook!) and she tells me he also claims that nothing physical happened, but that they have had a massive bust up and she is thinking of divorcing him. Schadenfreude? You bet.

Do I believe all of this? I’m not sure, but I know I can’t move on positively if I choose not to.

Here’s where we are:

1: She is moving out in the next few weeks, probably after Christmas.
2: We will start our relationship afresh; no baggage, no old resentment. Go on dates, get to know each other again. See where it goes.

We have a lot to work through and I don’t know whether I can ever trust her again, so it may never work and we will just end up being acquaintances. Maybe we will find that we aren’t really compatible after all and better off alone. We agreed that we owe it to each other and to our daughter to at least give it the best effort we can, and if it can work again, great.

I will keep this thread updated as to our progress but I thank all of you, ( yes even you Edukator 🙂 )for your input, it has really helped me.

It sounds like that’s a good way to go, you both try to start over. Hopefully, she’ll get the attention that she was missing and you’ll be able to both decide whether to remain married or not.

As far as her cheating, just keep in mind that there is no way to prove a negative. Even if they never did anything physical, there is no way that she can prove this to you or anyone else. So you need to stop looking for such proof if you are.

And unless you somehow find proof that they did cheat, there will always be some doubt in your mind. Only you can make the decision if you can accept this or not. Some people can forgive and continue on; others cannot.

2: We will start our relationship afresh; no baggage, no old resentment. Go on dates, get to know each other again. See where it goes.

FFS sake close this book and don’t open it again, you’re dragging your suffering out.

s far as her cheating, just keep in mind that there is no way to prove a negative. Even if they never did anything physical, there is no way that she can prove this to you or anyone else. So you need to stop looking for such proof if you are.

She cheated emotionally on him, I’d be far more bothered by that than say if my missus decided she wanted a sneaky bit of cock for one night. I’d be bothered but there’s levels of botheredness.

It seems like everyone here thinks the ultimate sin is sex though….that or I’m a closet swinger.

Having just read all your posts OP, one thing does intrigue, the not wishing to be seen naked. If you do have a make up shag keep an eye open for bite, rope and whip marks.

Hah , I like your way of thinking.

Also, if you do ignore my advice….. don’t bother with the dates etc, that’s not going to bring a spark back. Just get right down to angry kinky sex – basically just have your way with her (with consent). It’ll be less awkward for both of you and for some reason it makes certain women feel less guilty (they’ve been punished and feel wanted….or something like that…I don’t get them at times).

I’ve been following this thread. My ex had an affair. He told me a lot of lies, each one more implausible. One day he was saying something to me and I thought “You know what? I have no idea whether you are telling the truth or not. No idea”. I ended our relationship. Hurt like hell but it had to be done. For me the sex part was ok- well, not ok, but far far worse were the lies, lots of deliberate lies, pre-meditated, structured lies. Trust gone.
I hesitate to advise but can I say that kids pick up on bad vibes and IMO it’s better to live amicably apart than daily sniping at each other under the same roof.
I live with 2 dogs and 6 bikes now – bliss 🙂
Good luck

a sneaky bit of cock for one night.

A sneaky bit of cock?

If you do have a make up shag keep an eye open for bite, rope and whip marks.

Or a tattoo or obvious signs of pregnancy.

Just get right down to angry kinky sex

Take her to the Susanalbumparty

Bwaarp– i agree, women do seem to have a different logic system 😉
and yes, its funny that the trust is deemed more expendable than sexual acts- you can negotiate the latter,not the former.

But only the OP knows his situation,’erm ‘warts n all’ ¬!

Sneaky Cock- thats a good user name !

Sad when this happens. The reasons for her change of feelings will come out eventually whether you stress or not so….. I think like one of the above posts says, spend time with you little one and enjoy time with your mates. Don’t give your wife any attention at all, as much as you may want to. Just stay very neutral and matter of fact. She knows you love her and as soon as you stop the attention she’ll think you’ve changed your heart, that may be the jolt she needs to know how she may really feel about you. Just a girly point of view… we are complicated creatures ?… good luck and hope it works out how you want.

OP you’re a bigger man than me, I’m not sure I would be so calm and understanding if I were in your shoes. I agree that the lying is worse than anything physical, as physical interactions can be just that (come on we have all had *that* kind of sex, right), but the time and preparation that goes with deceit is another level entirely. Hat off to you for trying for the sake of your daughter.

I wouldn’t listen to some of the “advice” from certain posters, they are either 14 years old, not very bright or deliberately trolling you, which on a thread like this is poor form.

Chin up mate and stay strong.

@yetanotherone

Christmas is a very difficult time to be apart of you have children, by letting your wife stay until after Christmas you are making it very easy for her. A real shell shock ( or “near death experience”) would be for her to leave before – she can come round for Christmas lunch (after your daughter has opened her presents) and leave after.

Also in your action plan you don’t mention Relate or similar, IMO that’s essential

You may or may not want to do some reading – try “adultery the forgivable sin” (very American but if you can get past that some good stuff)

From 33% to 98%, very impressive if the claim is true. Perhaps just reading the book shows a willingness to make up and shag again. I’m sometimes dismayed by American prudish and vengeful attitudes that seem drawn from the Old testament but as Britain seems to be adopting American values reading it does seem a good idea.

Good luck OP. I was starting to get angry for you 😆

It could be meeting your SO allover again/a romance 🙂

One thing- DONT dwell on what has happened. Any resentment will turn you bitter. Life is ups and downs. People don’t stay married for 40yrs+ into old age without dramas and fights along the way.

I find it hard to hold a grudge or remember an argument. I’d like to think if mrsHora did anything, I could rebuild and carry on what was a great partnership.

Hey all, thought I would update you on the situation.

After what seems like forever she moved out recently into the flat; there are still plenty of her things at our house but she is slowly moving them all out.

The transition has hit me hard but I am getting there. I went through a deep rut but I am out the other side. I have got the smoking and drinking under control and have joined the gym (not been yet, baby steps!)

Our daughter seems really happy with her new situation; she seems to see it as having two houses now, which is more fun than having just one. Sometimes I wish I could see life through her eyes 🙂

Ironically my wife and I are getting on really well – I thought I would be angry and bitter but not at all, I almost feel like a weight has been lifted.