My mate, scottish Kev, sent me this by email:

Subject: Scottish DUI Test…

And then just some blank lines. Like as though you have to fill something in, or there’s in fact no test or something.

Am I missing something? Is there a joke there somewhere? Has he not sent it propply?

Anyone seen this one?

Help me please..

Racist.

No it’s not racist, because it was sent by Scottish Kev, who is Scottish, and lives in Scotland.

LOL

😉

Mibbe your email software deleted the link?

http://www.guzer.com/videos/scottish_dui.php

How about this one..

Man goes into a bakers in Glasgow.

Man: “Is that a doughnut or a meringue?”

Assistant: “Naw – yer right enough”

the blank lines would have been funnier….that was…..crap. (the video)

i chuckled druidh. do any english folks get druidh’s joke?

A teacher was lecturing his class in Glasgow one day. “In English,” he said, “a double negative forms a positive. In some languages though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative.

However,” he pointed out, “there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative.”

Wee Jimmy pipes up from the back of the class “Aye, right.”

Chuckles @ druidh- the old ones are always the best eh?

[edit] That second ones, a new one on me 😆 [/edit]

ok druidh, explain your first one please.

How about this one..

Man goes into a bakers in Glasgow.

Man: “Is that a doughnut or a meringue?”

Assistant: “Naw – yer right enough”

No no no.. even the pishtest Scot can still tell a doughnut from a meringue.
It should be:

“Is that a pavlova or a meringue?”
“Naw – yer right enough, it’s a pavlova”.

ahh, penny’s dropped.

David HAsselhoff walks into a scotish bar. The barman says ‘What you drinking mr Hasselhoff?’

He replies ‘Just call me The Hoff, okay?’

Barman says ‘ Aye, nae hassel’

How was copper wire invented?

An English man through a penny into a crowd of scots 😉

offroading’s post reminds me of genuine graffiti I found today on an Edinburgh University exam desk;

Their green
Their white
Their 1st division shit!

An international group of women have been to a feminist meeting and are discussing the progress they are making. (have to imagine the accents)

French woman: I got ‘ome to my ‘usband and I tell ‘im – from now on, I am not doing the cooking. First day, was nozzing, second day, was nozzing, third day, ‘e ‘as cooked me a gourmet meal.

Italian woman: I ‘ave tell my ‘asband that I am not a doing a the cleaning. First day, is niente, second day, is niente, third day, I come to the ‘ouse and is all cleaned from top to bottom

Scottish woman: Aah tel’t ma man that ahm nae doin mair laundry (good accent, eh?) an e can dae it hisself. First day, naething. Second day, naething. Third day ,aah can jest aboots see outa ma left eye.

its not a scots joke but

a blonde is sitting down at a table. her boyfriend walks in and sees that she has a puzzled look on her face so he asks her whats wrong. she says that shes trying to do a jigsaw. he asks what its supposed to be. she says a tiger. then he says ok…. lets sit down, have a cup of tea and then afterwords we’ll put the frosties back in the packet.
😀

Why do the Scots wear kilts?

Because a sheep can hear a zipper from a mile away

is not “scots” were kitls its welsh

it only works with welsh

Scotsman gets on a plane and sits down next to a very attractive blonde. During the flight, they get talking a bit and he notices she’s wearing a lapel badge – ICN.

Man: “Oh – what’s ICN?”
Blonde: “The International Council of Nymphomaniacs – I’m on my way to our annual convention”
Man: “Gosh. What sort of stuff will be going on there?”
Blonde: “Well, we have a few talks about which men make the best lovers. Did you know that American Indians are the best endowed? And that Scotsmen last the longest?”
Man: “Really?”
Blonde: “What’s your name anyway?”
Man: “Oh – err, Tonto Mackenzie”

What’s the difference between Bing Crosby and Walt Disney.

Bing sings and Walt disney.

Prince Charles turns up to an opening ceremony in Newcastle, smartly attired but wearing a jaunty Davy Crockett style hat, which he kept on throughout the day.

Upon leaving the mayor of Newcastle thanked him for coming, but curiosity made him ask why he’d wore a Davy Crockett style hat.

He said he’d told his Mother he was going to Newcastle, to which she replied ” Newcastle? Wear the Fox Hat!”

IGMC

Offroading – Member

How was copper wire invented?

An English man through a penny into a crowd of scots

Heard the one about the 23,922,144 Englishmen?

One was an obnoxious bastard. So were the other 23,922,143.

Oh and 😉

Druidh’s meringue joke is ace, and I still wonder who hasn’t got it yet…

A speech therapist becomes exasperated with her last few stammering students. As a last resort, she tells them that if they can tell her where they’re from without stammering, she’ll give them the blow job of their lives. When asked, the first chap, a Scot, tries hard but says “G-g-g-g-g-g-glasgow”…unlucky. The second, an Englishman, tries harder but it comes out as “B-b-b-b-b-b-bristol”. The last chap with a suspiciously Irish accent blurts out “London”…whereupon the speech therapist is on her knees fulfilling her promise only to hear a couple of seconds later….”d-d-d-d-d-d-derry”

Mines the blue coat in the corner.

I preferred “Aye, right”

Keron that jokes was awful. Anyway, I thought that was how the first quarry’s were formed in Scotland. Apparently some one dropped a £1 coin!

Taxi…

i don’t get the meringue joke. I am foreign you see, so please explain.

Ok: meringue sounds like “am I wrong” in a scotish accent!

Matt

Eth3er……”a meringue” sounds like “am I wrang” which is Scots for “am I wrong”.

Did you hear about the Scottish Rolling Stones cover band?

Their first and only hit single was “Hey, McCloud get offa my Ewe”

Two Irish chippies are nailing down a floor when one of them opens a box of nails, starts examining each one and chucks them over his shoulder. His mate says “Mick, what the **** are you doing?” Mick says, “all these **** nails are upside down”. The other fella says “I know, but don’t chuck them, they’ll do for the ceiling.”

I’m here all week.

LOL

Scots = Man: “Is that a doughnut or a meringue?”

English = Man: “Is that a doughnut or am i wrong ?”

thanks gran!

Keron: the 80’s are on the phone, they want there jokes back!!!

Matt

Still waiting for that taxi…

Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Seamus, were stumbling home from the pub late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard.

‘Come have a look over here,’ says Paddy, ‘It’s Michael O’ Grady’s grave, God bless his soul, would you believe he lived to the ripe old age of 87.’

‘Dat’s nothing, ‘says Sean, ‘here’s one named Patrick O’ Toole, it says here that he was 95 when he died.’

Just then, Seamus yells out, ‘Good God, here’s a fella here ‘dat got to be 165!’

‘Bloody hell, ‘dats incredible – What was his name?’ asks Paddy.

Seamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker and exclaims: ‘Miles, from Dublin.’

Jokes are funny things aren’t they. Thanks I get it now, still not laughing though.

A teacher was lecturing his class in London one day. “In English,” he said, “a double negative forms a positive. In some languages though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative.

However,” he pointed out, “there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative.”

Little Jimmy pipes up from the back of the class “Yeah, right.”

I liked the first joke better 🙂

Here’s my selection of Scottish people only jokes:

What has 5 toes and shakes?

An epeleptic fit.

What do you call a bear without a paw?

Rupert the bast*rd

A guy goes round to his Aberdonian neighbour’s house and finds him stripping wallpaper. “Are you re-decorating?” “No, we’re flitting”

An Aberdonian decides to go Skiing for the first time, he turns up at ski hire and is issued with his boots and skis, After a few minutes he goes back to the ski hire counter and asks “Fit fit fits fit?”