Why did the one-armed monkey fall out of the tree?
Because I waved to him.

Me: “I’ve got a really good ‘knock, knock’ joke.”

Other person: “Really?”

Me: “Yeah, you start…”

Other person: “Knock, knock”

Me: “Who’s there?”

Other person: “Errrrrr…”

Gets people every time. 🙂

Wife asked me what I was doing on the computer I told her I was looking for cheap flights. “I love u!” she said,then she got excited, un-zipped my trousers & gave me the most amazing oral sex ever,which is odd because she’s never shown an interest in darts b4.

And those who understand ternary.

And those that don’t. 🙁

’10’ is 2 in binary, and 3 in ternary (base 3).

No, it’s not very funny. Nor is,

Why do programmers confuse Halloween and Christmas? Because 31 OCT = 25 DEC.

Where do Martians get Mercury from?

HG Wells.

A bloke I was talking to the other day was bragging that the temperature of his testicles was -273 degrees Celcius.

Absolute bollocks if you ask me.

Wanted:
£20,000 reward.
Schroedinger’s Cat.
Dead or Alive.

Drunken peer found unconscious at yacht club –

A Knight out with the buoys..

whats the difference between a golf ball & a womans G-spot?

A man will look 20 mins for a golf ball 🙂

Took the missus to a show where a black fella with big hair spins round & round in cicles.

When he had finished both me & the wife felt really horny.

Apparently it was an Afro dizzy act 😕

What’s got three legs and doesn’t talk…..

Paul McCartney and Heather Mills!

I heard he bought her a plane for their first Christmas together.

She still had to use a razor on the other leg though.

A couple viewing a painting of 3 naked black men sitting on a bench noticed that the one in the middle had a white dick. Confused they confronted the artist about it.

He replies they are not black men but coalminers & the one in the middle had just been home for lunch.

My favorite Easter joke this year.

This week is Good Friday, where all thoughts turn to a long haired man who died on the end of a long cross.

Happy Easter Andy Carroll 😆

The worse job I ever had was crushing lemonade cans ………………….. it was soda pressing 😕

Whats the diffrence between a woman and a computer?
A computer has a use for a 3″ floppy

Why did the cheesmaker walk with a limp?

He only had one stilt on

What do you call a fairy who does not wash?

Stinker Bell!

Wife : l want 3grand for a boob job

Me: no way, rub toilet paper between them
Wife : how will that make them bigger
ME : Well it worked on your arse

How did the fairy get pregnant?
She sat on a toadstool

Think about it!

there are two sorts of people in the world:

those that think there are two sorts of people, and those that don’t…

What does a tractor and a giraffe have in common?

One has hydraulics and the other has high bollocks.

How do you organise a party in space?

Planet.

There are three sorts of people in the world
1) people who think that there are 3 sorts of people in the world
B) People who are inconsistent
7) People who can’t count

There are only 10 types of people in the world : those who understand binary, those who don’t, and those who understand gray code.

Bloke sees a man carrying a long pole at the Olympics, so he goes up to him and asks:

Are you a pole vaulter?

The man replies:

Nein, I am a German, but how did you know my name was Walter?

I’ll have to put this one on, even though it’s a true story rather than a joke.

When Richard Nixon was vice president to Eisenhower, he travelled to West Africa in the wake of the one of the independence celebrations (late 1950’s). Always one to be seen to be doing the right things re holding babies etc, Nixon wanders over to the first black man he sees and asks loudly:

“So son, how does it feel to be free?”

The man replied:

“I wouldn’t know, sir – I’m from Alabama.”

A couple driving home run over a Badger, they get out of the car, find the Badger still just about breathing but it’s freezing cold and barely conscious.

Husband: “Quick, put it between your legs to warm it up”

Wife: “But it’s all wet and it stinks”

Husband: “Well just hold the Badger’s nose then!”

Another you say?

I wasn’t sure why the Doctor prescribed LSD for my constipation, until I saw a Dragon and I shat myself!

More?

The Doctor’s have diagnosed me as a schizophrenic with alzheimers. I keep hearing this voice in my head saying “why don’t you remember me?”

More?

My wife was stood at the front door with her case when I got home from work and said “I’m leaving you because of your strange sexual requests”. “OK” I replied, “that’s fine, but could you slam the door on my cock as you leave please?”

mboy – I like the last one – I think it’s the joke itself, but seeing the word ‘cock’ written down always gets me.

It’s like really posh women swearing………..

Two snowmen in a field.

One turns to the other & asks, “can you smell carrots?”

For DannyH

How many freudians do you need to change a lightbulb?
Two – one to change the bulb and one to hold his cock err, ladder

There’s a sale on at the pi shop.

3.1 for 2.

What’s blue and fluffy?

Blue fluff.

How do you organise a party in space?

Planet.

I wouldn’t bother, there’s no atmosphere.

There’s a sale on at the pi shop.

3.1 for 2.

\o/ That’s my new all time favourite joke. Thank you.

what did jesus say to his disciples when he was being nailed to the cross?

none of you lot steal any of my easter eggs, ill be back on monday!

What has two legs and bleeds?
Half a dog.
.
Where can you find a dog with no legs?
Wherever you left it.
.
What’s blue and orannge and lies on the bottom of a swimming pool?
A baby with burst armbands.

A man sees a bee in trouble and helps it out. The be says “think you kind man, if there’s anything I can ever do to help you just shout “bee, please help!” three times”.

The man goes about his business and then a few days later he runs out of petrol in the middle of nowhere. He wonders how he’s going to get home and then remembers the bee.

“bee, please help, bee please help, bee please help” he shouts.

Minutes later the bee arrives,

” hi kind man, how can I help?”

“well, I’ve run out of petrol and I’m wondering if there’s anything you can do?”

“sure, open your petrol cap and I’ll be back in a few minutes”

The man does as the bee asked and sure enough a few minutes later the be comes back with thousands of other bees. They fly into the petrol tank and then back out again, one by one.

20 minutes later all he bees have been in and out of the mans petrol tank.

“right kind man, start her up” says the bee.

The man doesn’t think anything will happen as the motor just turns over but then the cars engine fired into life

“wow thanks bee. What did you put in the tank?

The bee just replied “BP”

Good stuff, people. Kept me going through a night on-call, that. 😆

\o/ That’s my new all time favourite joke. Thank you.

There’s some irony in a Pi joke becoming a recurring favourite.

A freudian slip is when you say one thing and mean your mother